Should we keep a bedroom for DSD once she leaves for university?

[LeavingForUni]

Having a slight disagreement with dh as he wants us to leave a bedroom as is for DSD who is going to uni the other end of the country in sep!
She only stayed once or twice a month anyway and my 2 DDs are sharing due to this. I told dd1 she could then have her own room in September. If DSD ever visits she can share with dd2 who will be in the bigger room. Surely this is fine!

OP has said most of this in her posts.

This! Ridiculous that your daughters should continue to share.

I think as she has a room at her mums and your two share you absolutely have to give them the room. She’s no need for three bedrooms dotted across the country

Ordinarily, I think in blended families, one should tread very carefully when dc head off to uni. But this is not her main home.

If your DH gets his way, his DD will have 3 bedrooms: one at her mum’s, one at uni and one at your house @LeavingForUni. Whilst your 2 teenage DD’s share a room full time. That’s insane.

Did you move into your DH’s original family home? Was the bedroom in question his DD’s bedroom when her parents were together? If yes, then that’s the only circumstance where he may have a point for discussion.

No she hasn’t. She has made no comment at all on the family finances!

THIS! It sends a message! My step child was the one who made the suggestion to change our bedrooms around. I said "but we want you to have a space here and feel at home" and she said "I just thought as the boys are getting older they need their own space and we can just move beds when I stay over". Her whole childgood she stayed with us 2 or 3 nights a week, midweek and weekends. This changed when she became an older teen. I wouldn't have changed anything around without her being part of that decision.

I have cousins who had their bedrooms changed while they were at uni and it was shit for them. No step siblings, my aunt & uncle just redecorated and turned one room into an office and the other into a generic spare room. Uni holidays are loooooooong.

Have a calm chat about it to find out what she wants and expects, how often she thinks she'll be around in the holidays. It could be that one of your kids sleep in that room while she's away and when she's around she can get first dibs at sleeping in that room. And don't redecorate unless she suggests it.

The OP has said nothing about who earns what in the household. The OP could earn the majority of the money coming in and it still might not make a 4 bed house affordable or even if it is, it might not be a sensible use of money, eg cost to move, possible lifestyle hit - what if they could all have their own rooms, but then holidays, tech or hobbies might not be affordable?

Absolutely the two children living at home full time and currently sharing a room should have their own rooms.

@GlovedhandsCecilia are you meaning to be so vile or have you just never communicated with human beings before?

I think this is really difficult.

From your DDs' perspective - they've been sharing for years while a bedroom gets hardly used and now, DSD is going to have a bedroom of her own at her mum's and a room (probably of her own) at college.

But from your DH's perspective - this is when his relationship with his DD could really bloom. She won't have the same ties to her mum's house anymore. It's an opportunity to reset how much time she spends with him. And having her share with DD2 will obviously put the kibosh on that.

Has your DH actually discussed this with his daughter or is he just assuming how she will feel? I think your DDs should have their own rooms as they live with you. Maybe give DSD the choice when she comes to visit, either sharing with your DD2 or a room to herself. Explain to your DDs that they will get their own rooms but have to share when you have a guest.

I didn't have a room of my own at one parent's house after going to Uni. But I did have a bed and some space for my things. I don't think it's unreasonable at all as long as she's still welcome.

Really? Can you point to where the OP has detailed how their family finances work? You have absolutely no clue, for all we know the OP is financially supporting her partner.

Your solution seems most sensible to me, but you are negotiating blended family politics which is never easy.

If dsd kept a room for her use when she visits, could dd1 use it whilst she is away/it is empty? Would keeping it as dsd's room in name, enable your dh to accept everyone spreading out whilst she is at uni. Giving her the right to come back and use it if she wants to may well help everyone to relax. Some clever, moveable storage boxes/clothes racks for your dd would allow her to move out easily when dsd is coming home, but to have her own space whilst she's away.

And remember, it seems important to decide thisnow, but honestly in 12-18 months time, your dsd will probably have a rental house/new friends/a boyfriend/girlfriend at uni, and barely come back at all. That probably seems a long time to your dds, but the end is in sight. Hang on in there!

Your dd’s who live in the home all the time need rooms more than someone who may visit every 3 months or so. If her mum lives close by, she can overnight with her mum and if she ever does want to stay at yours, you all squish to make space, like people do at Christmas when lots of family who don’t normally live there come to stay. When my mum moved in with my stepdad when I was uni age, I didn’t even get a room and there were no other children living there. I slept in the home office if I came to stay (I had no other parents so this was my only home, all my stuff went into storage).

Your DD’s should have their own room especially when the room is unused for the majority of the time.

How far away are you from DSD mum? Does she need to stay over?

it’s unfair that your DC have had to share for so long- in this situation.

Of course OP’s solution is the only one.

Her DP may have complex feelings about his daughter growing up, or about paying for two teenage girls who aren’t his own, but he’s still in the wrong.

Whose house are you living in @LeavingForUni ? DSD will have 3 rooms to herself when she goes to university and your daughters aren't even welcome to one in their own home.

If your husband doesn't own the house, then he doesn't get to dictate. Suggest you and he sleep on a sofa bed and one of the girls has your room. All children have their own room in fairness to his DSD and the adults don't. If it is his house, why are you with a man who resents your children?

100% this. Maybe start by asking DSD what she thinks would be fair. It's much less upsetting if she offers than if you impose loss of her room top down.

My parents turned my sister's room into a general guest room as soon as she left for uni and she was distraught. They didn't go to uni themselves and I think they completely misjudged how much first years have "moved out" (they really haven't). The fact she is there so little anyway does change the common sense of this, but it potentially doesn't stop her being very hurt and the relationship being damaged. Going away to uni can be an emotional, vulnerable time. If there are any "third ways" you can find - Murphy bed in the dining room or the others bunking in when she visits - it might help but there's a risk that whatever you do she is really quite hurt. Logical brain can't always override emotional brain when it's feeling rejected.

I'm not saying don't do it, I absolutely see the logic of it. But it's emotionally high stakes. Don't badge her unreasonable if she reacts negatively, she'd just be reacting with her emotions rather than her logically brain, and that is understandable

Yes it would be the norm fur when older sibling goes to uni next sibling gets their room, edit silly if sharing (remember Marsha and Greg fighting over the loft or is my age showing)? The fact she is only there a couple times a month normally and I’m surprised she had her own room in the first place. My stepsons had a shared room at our house and that didn’t change when one moved in full time. When the other visited they shared.

Maybe @LeavingForUni is the main earner and is paying for his child to have a permanent room while her own have to share.

@LeavingForUni is the bedroom in dsd’s childhood home? Did you and your dds move into her dad’s home? If so that gives a slightly different slant if her childhood bedroom is taken from her.

However if your dp has moved in with you or you acquired the house together then yes give your dd the room but let dsd stay there when she comes home from uni.

Who's house was it originally has it always been your dsd room before you moved in .or did you buy the house together ?

YABU

Children don’t become self sufficient adults the memes they start university and they still often need the security of having home to come back to. When your dsd moves out of both her homes properly, then it is fair to reallocate their bedrooms. As long as they are still in education they don’t deserve to be kicked out by their parents or their wicked stepmothers.

I don't think it's fair for the OPs DDs to have to share a room when there is an empty room in the house for the majority of the time
Your DDs are of course at an age when they need space and privacy so a room each makes sense. When DSD is home from uni I think your children should share a room for the couple of nights she's there.