Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Ex partner may be declining cognitively and his daughter expects me to aid in supporting him.

197 replies

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 11:19

My ex, now friend, is quite a bit older than me. I think he's exhibiting some cognitive decline. Very anxious, which is making him depressed. He stresses over everyday, slight issues. To put it into context, he never liked anything that smacked of any kind of stress or responsibility, but was able to navigate things as well as anyone. I've suggested he go to the GP, but he's dismissed this idea.

His DD mentioned it to me last week, clearly expecting me to shoulder a bit of the burden of him. The issue however is that she was a driving force in breaking up our relationship. At the time it happened, she lived with him and made sure she drove me away, because she saw me as a threat, mostly to her inheritance I think (which I wasn't, I have my own financial security).

I'm not even sure he's told her we're not a couple anymore but to my mind, that is almost irrelevant. She did everything she could to split us up, to benefit herself. To my mind, that means she has to shoulder the burden of caring for him now. But she has in the last 3 years built a family of her own, and clearly doesn't want to look after her dad.

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

OP posts:
2dogsandabudgie · 02/04/2026 11:23

How often do you see him and speak to him? When did you split up, you need to explain to her that you are no longer together.

cantthinkofagoodusername1 · 02/04/2026 11:24

Tell her that it's a very sad situation, but you are no longer his partner so it's not up to you to look after him.

PoshLady90 · 02/04/2026 11:24

Sorry to hear your ex P is in a bad way,
If i was you i would signpost her to charaties or institutions that could provide help or support.

I would also be minded to say to her "you do know were not a couple anymore dont you?"

Notmyreality · 02/04/2026 11:26

You say “Sorry love, we’re not together. You saw to that. He’s your responsibility now. Take this as a life lesson. You reap what you sow.”
And walk off smugly into the setting sun.

OttersOnAPlane · 02/04/2026 11:26

It's not your issue to handle. She can 'expect' to her heart's content but it's nothing to do with you. Leave her to it.

Bristolandlazy · 02/04/2026 11:30

Let her figure it out, she was a pain in the arse, she ruined your relationship, you don't owe her anything. You've suggested your ex gets help and they don't want to. It's not your problem anymore.

Pedallleur · 02/04/2026 11:30

He is an ex who doesn't want to seek help. Not up to you to care for him.

dunroamingfornow · 02/04/2026 11:31

cantthinkofagoodusername1 · 02/04/2026 11:24

Tell her that it's a very sad situation, but you are no longer his partner so it's not up to you to look after him.

This. I would do it quickly as well. She needs to know that you can’t be part of any support package if and when it comes to that

BridgetJonesV2 · 02/04/2026 11:31

Not your circus... not your monkeys. Next time she asks for help, suggest she tries the GP and gently remind her that you are no longer his partner primarily due to her hostility to the relationship and that you won't shoulder this burden for her.

Mischance · 02/04/2026 11:32

Please do not get sucked in. I cared for my much-beloved OH in this scenario. It was hell on earth.

Do not even think about getting involved in this for an ex.

caringcarer · 02/04/2026 11:32

Igree with a PP tell her you are no longer a couple and broke up in X year then signpost her to dementia charities. I'd probably also try to speak with him to go to GP.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/04/2026 11:33

Hi (name)
that’s really sad news, please send him by best. We’re not a couple now so it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to get involved but I hope the wider family can support and there is some good advice here (link to dementia charity).

ItsSunnyTodayAgain · 02/04/2026 11:34

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 11:19

My ex, now friend, is quite a bit older than me. I think he's exhibiting some cognitive decline. Very anxious, which is making him depressed. He stresses over everyday, slight issues. To put it into context, he never liked anything that smacked of any kind of stress or responsibility, but was able to navigate things as well as anyone. I've suggested he go to the GP, but he's dismissed this idea.

His DD mentioned it to me last week, clearly expecting me to shoulder a bit of the burden of him. The issue however is that she was a driving force in breaking up our relationship. At the time it happened, she lived with him and made sure she drove me away, because she saw me as a threat, mostly to her inheritance I think (which I wasn't, I have my own financial security).

I'm not even sure he's told her we're not a couple anymore but to my mind, that is almost irrelevant. She did everything she could to split us up, to benefit herself. To my mind, that means she has to shoulder the burden of caring for him now. But she has in the last 3 years built a family of her own, and clearly doesn't want to look after her dad.

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

This happened in my family too, OP. My SIL drove away her dad’s partner who she had always been very jealous of, but then expected her to help when her dad got sick! By that point the ex partner was also sick and told SIL to get lost. The whole thing ended up in a massive feud, through which my SIL behaved appallingly. I think you need to be firm with her this is not your responsibility!!

SockPlant · 02/04/2026 11:36

I'm petty so I'd probably say something along the lines of "don't be silly, why do you think I'd be up for that?" And carry on my relationship with him as I had been recently.

CrotchetyQuaver · 02/04/2026 11:43

Tell her to do one and as above poster, explain why and what an important life lesson she's just learnt...

Skybluepinky · 02/04/2026 11:51

Tell her how long ago you split up and suggests she sorts out support for, that won’t include you.

Senmum2026 · 02/04/2026 11:52

How long ago did you split up?

You say you think she maybe under the impression that you’re still in a relationship with her Dad which makes total sense that she is sharing her concerns with you if that is the case.

Do you still see him as a friend?

WheretheFishesareFrightening · 02/04/2026 11:57

Notmyreality · 02/04/2026 11:26

You say “Sorry love, we’re not together. You saw to that. He’s your responsibility now. Take this as a life lesson. You reap what you sow.”
And walk off smugly into the setting sun.

I’d send something very close to this. Maybe, “as we’re not together any more I don’t think this would be appropriate. I thought you’d be pleased we’d broken up! Wishing you both well though.”

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 02/04/2026 11:59

“Sorry but we are no longer together so it wouldn’t be appropriate of me to help out. I thought you already knew this? Never mind. All the best to you & your dad.”

Eggandspoonrace2 · 02/04/2026 12:06

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 11:19

My ex, now friend, is quite a bit older than me. I think he's exhibiting some cognitive decline. Very anxious, which is making him depressed. He stresses over everyday, slight issues. To put it into context, he never liked anything that smacked of any kind of stress or responsibility, but was able to navigate things as well as anyone. I've suggested he go to the GP, but he's dismissed this idea.

His DD mentioned it to me last week, clearly expecting me to shoulder a bit of the burden of him. The issue however is that she was a driving force in breaking up our relationship. At the time it happened, she lived with him and made sure she drove me away, because she saw me as a threat, mostly to her inheritance I think (which I wasn't, I have my own financial security).

I'm not even sure he's told her we're not a couple anymore but to my mind, that is almost irrelevant. She did everything she could to split us up, to benefit herself. To my mind, that means she has to shoulder the burden of caring for him now. But she has in the last 3 years built a family of her own, and clearly doesn't want to look after her dad.

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

Lol. She can expect away, can't she?

The past, the reasons, all of it - doesn't matter. He's your ex. She can jog on.

You deal with it by having nothing whatsoever to do with either of them, ever again. If only all problems were so easily solved.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2026 12:07

Cheeky cow. I’d just block her tbh but if you want to give her an explanation - which she does not deserve - tell her she clearly resented you being in his life and you aren’t anymore so it’s odd she’d want your input now and you won’t be getting involved.

You don’t owe him either, he could have protected your relationship from his chippy daughter but chose not to.

wracky · 02/04/2026 12:08

Don't deny your friend help you'd otherwise give him out of spite to his daughter. He's what's important here, not his daughter.

Make your own mind up on how much help you would be prepared to give if you'd broken up without her involvement and do that. That might well mean none or very little.

RandomMess · 02/04/2026 12:08

Don’t think I could resist including “it’s a shame your behaviour was the reason we split up as I would have become his carer”

muggart · 02/04/2026 12:09

“How sad and stressful, I’m sorry to hear this. however it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to help as we broke up in (insert year) and actually the reason for the breakup was because Ex thought it would put too much pressure on his relationship with you if i was to be by his side as we grew old together, including through this sort of thing. I believe he was under the impression that you would want to take the lead on care. Due to the animosity at home he, completely understandably as he is your dad, was reluctant to make you feel more sidelined so I really do not think me involving myself at this point would make anybody happy. (insert signposting to charities).”

maybe that’s laying it on a bit thick?

ReadingCrimeFiction · 02/04/2026 12:10

Surely this is very simple, if she says anything again you say, "You know we broke up right? I'm very sorry he's struggling but its up to him and any of his actual family to sort out."

If she didn't like you and you aren't with her dad any more, I don'y really understand why you're even engaging with her at all?