Ex partner may be declining cognitively and his daughter expects me to aid in supporting him.

[MiserableMrsMopp]

My ex, now friend, is quite a bit older than me. I think he's exhibiting some cognitive decline. Very anxious, which is making him depressed. He stresses over everyday, slight issues. To put it into context, he never liked anything that smacked of any kind of stress or responsibility, but was able to navigate things as well as anyone. I've suggested he go to the GP, but he's dismissed this idea.

His DD mentioned it to me last week, clearly expecting me to shoulder a bit of the burden of him. The issue however is that she was a driving force in breaking up our relationship. At the time it happened, she lived with him and made sure she drove me away, because she saw me as a threat, mostly to her inheritance I think (which I wasn't, I have my own financial security).

I'm not even sure he's told her we're not a couple anymore but to my mind, that is almost irrelevant. She did everything she could to split us up, to benefit herself. To my mind, that means she has to shoulder the burden of caring for him now. But she has in the last 3 years built a family of her own, and clearly doesn't want to look after her dad.

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

Just tell her straight he is no longer part of my family I will not be taking part of the burden.

Truly, don’t take it on. My DF died of dementia and the stress of dealing with it put me in hospital. I had to hand him over to social services in the end (I was his only living relative and had no support, plus a new baby). He kept going missing and I’d have calls at all times of day and night from the police saying they’d lost him, found him, he’d collapsed, been admitted to hospital, discharged himself... It was horrendous and it was the best thing when SS put him in a home. If he’s your ex, he’s not your responsibility. You can continue as a friend without being drawn into a supporting role. Agree with PPs, signpost his DD and that’s the limit of your help.

Deleted as I posted on wrong thread!

Jist tell her where to go

I'd reply to her Op but make it clear that since you've been separated for years his care is not your problem. His DD has two choices, she cares for him and may end up with a lot of hard work but a much closer relationship, or she can say it's not her problem and live with her decision.It's lovely that you want to help him as a friend but you don't owe her anything, time for her to grow up

@MiserableMrsMopp You tell the daughter, essentially, what you've said here:
I've not harboured any ill will, but I shouldn't have to remind you that you did not want your dad and I together. You actively pushed us apart. Your dad and I have remained friendly, but that is it. I'm not going to be able to take on any responsibility for him and it's up to you to sit down with him and discuss his care wishes and ensure his affairs are in order.

How to deal with it? You don’t because it’s not your problem to deal with. You can listen and acknowledge the daughter if you wish. You don’t have to offer help/support and if she asks you to do anything ‘no’ is a complete sentence.

If she is badgering you and you want to go there “you were instrumental to us separating. He is your family, you deal with it.” is also okay.

He is a not your problem.
his daughter can deal with it how she wishes.

More to the point, he is responsible for his own health. It doesn’t sound like he lacks the capacity to make this decision. If he won’t go to see his doctor that’s on him. People are allowed to make stupid decisions. Maybe this is their time to find this out for themselves.

Sorry, but you split with this man, and he’s no longer your responsibility. You left on amicable terms. Fine. But all his money goes to his daughter, which is what she wanted. If he made a will or in intestacy, all his money goes to her.

she is now finding out the uncomfortable truth that she has to look after him. Tough luck. She made her bed, now she has to lie in it.

it’s karma.

Hope she loses all her “money” as she has to put him in a $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ nursing home because she can’t be bothered to look after him.

maybe your ex already knows this as he’s already told her he needs help and she has ghosted him or told him to F.O. which is why is he now being especially nice and crawling round you now.

I find the whole situation deplorable. He obviously knows he needs looking after and was too cowardly to defend you to his daughter when you were together.

If you examine the facts, he’s no friend of yours either. It’s a friendship of convenience.

I would actually back off from being his friend, because his friendship comes with conditions - that he’s cowardly expecting you to look after him.

This is precisely why I tell my friends that when they split up they should cut off their exes, unless young kids are involved.

Since you share no kids, you need to politely withdraw from this friendship and leave him to slug it out with his selfish nasty daughter.

incidentally, where is the daughter’s mother in all this? Where is she? Where is this man’s extended family like siblings, nephews, nieces, cousins? I doubt he has no family.

You can be there as a friend for him, in whatever context things currently are. But you do not have to take on any of the daughter’s burden. Put simply, it’s her responsibility not yours

You don't need to go anything at all to "deal" with this And tell her that.

He is not your responsibility, you know that, but as you are a fond friend you could see hm sometimes and keep an eye on him.

He may be OK for a long time, if he isn't his daughter will have to involve the GP but not just yet.

Hope she loses all her “money” as she has to put him in a $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ nursing home because she can’t be bothered to look after him.

The DD has a family and almost certainly a job of her own. No, she can’t expect anything from OP but equally describing a DC not caring for an elderly parent with dementia as “can’t be bothered” is really bloody harsh,

This is the problem, right? The longer the OP hangs around this person, the more stress and anxiety and responsibility will fall to the OP.

you can bet your bottom dollar that when he needs to go to hospital, the daughter will put the OP’s name, address and mobile number as a contact and social services will be dumping him at OP’s home, as they have bed pressure at the hospital. And the ex will have doggy eyes saying nobody is there to look after him and will guilt trip you into looking after him.

Meanwhile the overstretched hospital will just say there’s a mix-up (no mix-up) and that you are down as the next of kin.

Both your ex and his bratty selfish daughter need to have a massive wake-up call as to where selfish actions lead you.

What was the reason he broke up with his daughter’s mother? I guess we will never know.

shame the coward didn’t defend you to his daughter, then you wouldn’t be in this predicament.

sounds like the pair of them just wanted a “nurse with purse”

It’s called sacrifice. In every other country on the planet, children are expected to look after their elderly ageing parents. They know this from birth.

But hey, no doubt she wants to watch Corrie in the evenings and have a lie-in at the weekend, instead of looking after her dad, who probably won’t even last that long. All very boring tedious work which she wants to offload to some other sucker.

There is help from charities btw. So the daughter won’t be doing it all by herself.

And where are the other relatives? Done a runner, right?

Average house price £300k. That’s a lot of money to look after someone for 1-2 years max.

@Nicewoman wow. Never was a poster less suited to a user name.

Dementia lasts a lot more than “1-2 years max”

I have no wish to engage further with your deep unpleasantness. Goodbye.

I would just be really blunt with her “Oh gosh No, that won’t be possible at all Daisy. When I was in a relationship with your father you did carry on until you had destroyed it. I won’t be stepping back in for any more of that drama, and will just do as suits me best. I’m sure you understand how these things work, and had made plans for looking after him alone.”

Hit a raw nerve have I?

So many relatives dumping elderly parents at the council because they don’t want to look after them, then expecting taxpayers to pick up the bill, whilst they quietly pocket inheritance money.

perhaps this is why the government is introducing an assisted dying bill because the cost of the state looking after all these elderly is untenable.

Don’t worry, no need to reply, as you said. Happy to leave it now.

“she saw me as a threat, mostly to her inheritance I think (which I wasn't, I have my own financial security).”

Cannot imagine where she got that idea.

“I've always wiped out my exes but decided this time not to”

Oh, now I see it.

I'd do this 👆

’I have no wish to come between you and your father. I still have very vivid memories of how you behaved while your dad and I were together. It was instrumental in our break up and I have no wish to revisit that period in my life. I wish your father well but I am no longer his partner and it is inappropriate for you to share his medical details with me.’

Just to add that the poster who says that the decline of dementia is more than 1-2 years is right for most cases. My mum made it to 90. I cannot remember precisely when it started, but it went on for a while.

We had difficulty in getting her to sign the declaration for her POA, five years before she died. The first time, it didn't go through. The second time, we had a solicitor notary - a young woman who made Mum a bit more at ease.

I recall that before the soilcitor arrived, Mum put on her glasses for the first time in ages and asked "Do these make me look more intelligent?"

When she was asked if she understood what the POA was for, she replied "Yes, it's so Weary can do my banking for me and so on."

Her signature, notarised by the solicitor was an indecipherable scrawl compared with her previous handwriting.

The solicitor left, Mum took off her glasses and went back to her confused state.

I cannot explain what happened that day.

A family friend has been declining for 10 yrs. I think he's 90 now. He's bedridden and his longterm memory has totally gone.

As I noted above I am the carer for DH with dementia. Unless you have very limited savings there is no respite support available either from charities or otherwise which you do not fund yourself. The Alzheimer Society and Admiral nurses are good at offering advice, but do not provide respite. Carers allowance and attendance allowance provide some funding, but these fall off at very small income levels. The life expectancy with dementia is very variable according to type, the age of the person with the disease and any co-morbidity (any other diseases they also have). For DH condition (Lewy bodies), the life expectancy on average is 5-8 years, but some people may live considerable longer. Fifteen years is possible.

In short taking on caring responsibilities is a really big commitment which may last for a substantial period of time. I would not judge anyone who felt they were not able to take on this commitment. Carers have quite a high mortality rate given the stress of the role they perform with very limited support.

Wiped out as in went total no contact. Not financially. Every penny / asset I have I earned from my employment. Not rinsing my exes. Frankly, it's only this ex that would have had anything to rinse. Not that I did.

I think women that use men financially are deplorable. Or men that use women. Earn your own money.

Thanks @WearyAuldWumman and @Cyclebabble for your well informed posts ❤️

Sorry Sarah, but we are no longer a couple. You made sure of that. If we were still in a relationship I would of course shoulder the burden, but to be blunt, it was you who drove us to split up. I always got the distinct impression you didn’t want me around.

Karma is a bitch.

I would run for the hills OP.