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Original poster

Ex partner may be declining cognitively and his daughter expects me to aid in supporting him.

197 replies

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 11:19

My ex, now friend, is quite a bit older than me. I think he's exhibiting some cognitive decline. Very anxious, which is making him depressed. He stresses over everyday, slight issues. To put it into context, he never liked anything that smacked of any kind of stress or responsibility, but was able to navigate things as well as anyone. I've suggested he go to the GP, but he's dismissed this idea.

His DD mentioned it to me last week, clearly expecting me to shoulder a bit of the burden of him. The issue however is that she was a driving force in breaking up our relationship. At the time it happened, she lived with him and made sure she drove me away, because she saw me as a threat, mostly to her inheritance I think (which I wasn't, I have my own financial security).

I'm not even sure he's told her we're not a couple anymore but to my mind, that is almost irrelevant. She did everything she could to split us up, to benefit herself. To my mind, that means she has to shoulder the burden of caring for him now. But she has in the last 3 years built a family of her own, and clearly doesn't want to look after her dad.

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

OP posts:
Whippets81 · 02/04/2026 15:46

Notmyreality · 02/04/2026 11:26

You say “Sorry love, we’re not together. You saw to that. He’s your responsibility now. Take this as a life lesson. You reap what you sow.”
And walk off smugly into the setting sun.

This

HappyToSmile · 02/04/2026 15:48

Unless he is willing to help himself (eg GP appointment etc), then you cant help him.
As for her, just tell her he is not your responsibility because he is not your partner and suggest she persuade him to see his GP.
You need to take a step back. Be his friend by all means, but you are not responsible for his care.

YerMotherWasAHamster · 02/04/2026 15:51

It doesnt matter what she expects.
You can say no.
You cant be forced to do anything you dont want to do.

notacooldad · 02/04/2026 15:52

You say “Sorry love, we’re not together. You saw to that. He’s your responsibility now. Take this as a life lesson. You reap what you sow.”
I agree with this.

AggroPotato · 02/04/2026 15:54

muggart · 02/04/2026 12:09

“How sad and stressful, I’m sorry to hear this. however it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to help as we broke up in (insert year) and actually the reason for the breakup was because Ex thought it would put too much pressure on his relationship with you if i was to be by his side as we grew old together, including through this sort of thing. I believe he was under the impression that you would want to take the lead on care. Due to the animosity at home he, completely understandably as he is your dad, was reluctant to make you feel more sidelined so I really do not think me involving myself at this point would make anybody happy. (insert signposting to charities).”

maybe that’s laying it on a bit thick?

Brilliant 👏

ThisYearIsMyYear · 02/04/2026 15:58

The only way this would be remotely your responsibility would be if he was an ex of many years' standing and she was the daughter of you both. Even then, it would depend on the circumstances of the split.

In these circumstances I would contact her, ideally in writing so as not to get into a protracted debate, and just say you're sorry to hear he needs support but it would be entirely inappropriate for you to be involved in his care. I don't think there's any need to teach her a lesson over it - that's not your responsibility either.

GeorgiePilson · 02/04/2026 16:02

Oh dear, karma is coming her way! It’s not your responsibility so say a firm no!

Coclare · 02/04/2026 16:05

NotThisAgainSunshine · 02/04/2026 15:11

She knows full well you have not been in a relationship with him for 5 years.

What the CF is yet to realize is that you're not a sucker.

I wouldn't point her in the direction of any help or support, as that would be a good little opening for her to latch onto you and slowly but surely manipulate you.

She can find out all she needs to know, she's definitely not stupid, and like others have said, her main focus will still be on her inheritance.

Agree. It gives her an ‘in’ - no good deed goes unpunished. Really put the boundaries down and then raise them futher for good measure. You have a very difficult character on your hands who had sufficient manipulative capacity to consistently erode and ultimately end your relationship 5 years ago - that’s quite a feat. You have no idea of how low she can go. She’s a wrong ‘un - keep well away. I would seriously consider if your friendship with your x needs to be collateral damage because somehow she will rope you into this - there will be an ‘emergency’ where she needs you - the odd appointment, pick up some bits etc … it will be a slippery slope. She’s got form.

MeridianB · 02/04/2026 16:07

So now it suits her, now there are some hard yards ahead, she looks at you. No way. It’s sad but she needs to deal with this. She should be asking her own family if she needs help.

If you start to help, even in a small way, you will soon find you are sucked in.

tiredandhyped · 02/04/2026 16:10

I would personally say yes but for these prices
and send the costs for care work
she’s mugging you off

LadyWhistledownsSocietyPapers · 02/04/2026 16:12

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 12:25

We've not been a couple for 5 years.

Yes, we're friends. I've always wiped out my exes but decided this time not to, because fundamentally, I don't think he's a bad person, just too weak for me.

I've got no intention of being sucked in. I literally don't have the time. And it's definitely not down to me.

My inclination is just to continue standing back. But he is suffering and I feel for him.

And you can still be a kind friend to him, but you are not his carer. I don't even think it's petty to point out that she ultimately caused the separation so you're surprised she would like you involved now, and I like to think of myself as someone who tries to take the moral high ground.

She made sure her Dad didn't have a partner to support him. He was of course complicit, but he is also unfortunately having to reap what he sows where you are concerned.

Continue to be a friend as you would with anyone else, but this is her responsibility as next of kin.

BeeCucumber · 02/04/2026 16:13

Block her and move on. Don’t even attempt to signpost her to organisations that could help. She will take advantage of your kindness and you will be stuck as the main carer before you even realise what she’s done.

OVienna · 02/04/2026 16:17

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

I continue to be totally gobsmacked by the cheek of people.

(Not you, her.)

How you deal with it is by sending one of the emails already suggested here, just saying as you're no longer a couple, wouldn't be appropriate to intervene.

I'd then block her tbh.

Charel2girl5 · 02/04/2026 16:28

Notmyreality · 02/04/2026 11:26

You say “Sorry love, we’re not together. You saw to that. He’s your responsibility now. Take this as a life lesson. You reap what you sow.”
And walk off smugly into the setting sun.

This absolutely, a brilliant response!

HoppityBun · 02/04/2026 16:29

I’m unclear how it is that the DD drove you away, OP, and thoroughly resented you, but at the same time might be unaware that you’re not a couple and aren’t even living together?

Tell her that you two split up several years ago. If she thinks you’re a couple then it makes sense that she expects you to look after him.

Fast800goingforit · 02/04/2026 16:35

Notmyreality · 02/04/2026 11:26

You say “Sorry love, we’re not together. You saw to that. He’s your responsibility now. Take this as a life lesson. You reap what you sow.”
And walk off smugly into the setting sun.

This is the OP's life, not Corrie.

Notmyreality · 02/04/2026 16:38

Fast800goingforit · 02/04/2026 16:35

This is the OP's life, not Corrie.

Show quote history

Right. And?

binkie163 · 02/04/2026 16:41

Notmyreality · 02/04/2026 11:26

You say “Sorry love, we’re not together. You saw to that. He’s your responsibility now. Take this as a life lesson. You reap what you sow.”
And walk off smugly into the setting sun.

Yep 👍 this with knobs on.

MayaPinion · 02/04/2026 16:48

I’d just say something short along the lines of, ‘I was sad to hear of Dave’s cognitive decline. We had some good times together before we split up in 2021. You should take him to the GP in the first instance so they can arrange for testing and hopefully (for you) an appropriate care package.’ And then if she pushed back you can say, ‘I don’t have the capacity or aptitude to commit to and caring tasks.

ButterBastardBeans · 02/04/2026 16:52

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 12:25

We've not been a couple for 5 years.

Yes, we're friends. I've always wiped out my exes but decided this time not to, because fundamentally, I don't think he's a bad person, just too weak for me.

I've got no intention of being sucked in. I literally don't have the time. And it's definitely not down to me.

My inclination is just to continue standing back. But he is suffering and I feel for him.

In that case call SS and help him get into an appropriate care facility so you know he will get care but also, they will take the value of his home to fund his care.

You know your ex is looked after. Her inheritance is wiped out.

Win/win.

Liveshives · 02/04/2026 16:54

NobodysChildNow · 02/04/2026 15:14

“I am sorry your dad isn’t well. I know he values your care and support and I am glad you’ll always be there for him. He is a lovely man and I have enjoyed his company and friendship over the years. He has always said what a wonderful daughter you are, and how he can count on you. I wish you luck and best regards to your dad.”

This.
Passive aggressive as fxxk🤣.

Paying for private carer's is increasingly expensive.
She is still protecting her inheritance.

OP, offer nothing, not a suggestion nor a view.
It will blow back upon you.

@WearyAuldWumman is on the money as usual.
Caring for someone is a huge task and not something I would be in any way involved with unless I cared deeply for someone.

He put his daughter first ahead of his relationship with you, which was his choice.
Leave him to his choices.
Do not be used.
With this type any involvement will be seen as a weakness.

SerafinasGoose · 02/04/2026 17:03

WearyAuldWumman · 02/04/2026 15:43

My experience is that Social Services do their very best not to let people know what care is available or an entitlement for those over the age of 70.

When my husband was discharged following open heart surgery which had complications he was 71 yrs old, so there should have been some kind of assessment before he was sent home. In actual fact, I was at my work when I got a phone call telling me that he was being discharged that day - there was no discussion (and he hadn't been given the promised rehab).

I got to the hospital at 5 pm to pick him up (as agreed with the nurse who phoned me), only to find that he'd been sitting ready since 12 noon and hadn't even been given lunch. (The patient who got his bed got DH's lunch, I believe.) DH was an insulin dependent diabetic.

There was no help wheeling DH out to the car park in spite of the building work in the hospital which meant that I had to run round to the other side of the building to get the car, drive it to another entrance, run up to ward and wheel out DH and his bag.

We later found out that he'd been discharged without the necessary wound care and without the mandatory blood tests for someone who'd had a blood transfusion.

At the time, I was my parents' carers. No one at the hospital had asked about my situation at all.

Show quote history

I'm sorry about that but not surprised.

My mother was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour when she was 55, which killed her in under five weeks. She and my father were separated. I was 30 at the time, DB was 27. These things were, up until that point in our lives, outside our experience.

We'd have cared for her for however long it took. There was never a question of that. All three of us were close, and DB wanted to be just as responsible for his mother as I was (and had a right to be).

I'll give you three guesses which sibling the hospital constantly phoned and on whom the absolute bulk of the responsibility was placed.

Catwalking · 02/04/2026 17:05

What happened to DSD’s own DM? surely DSD should approach her?

tachetastic · 02/04/2026 17:20

You sound a very caring person and I would have a conversation with the daughter the next time you see her that you and her dad split up five years ago because of her. Do not be vague about this at all. Otherwise she will be going around telling everyone that you were in it for the money and now he needs help you've danced off into the sunset, cocktail in hand.

Now she has driven you off as his potential prime carer, she had better step up if she is still hoping to see any of that precious inheritance she was so worried about. That won't last long if he has to go into a home with specialist care.

zantez · 02/04/2026 17:21

Just out of interest, what does your friendship consist of on a day to day basis? I mean do you see each other in your respective homes, go out for dinner, support each other, and so on? Maybe it's just a casual drink every few months. Who knows.

I'm just thinking that even though you are now platonic, it might still look like being a "couple" to others, hence the daughter's assumptions.