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Original poster

Ex partner may be declining cognitively and his daughter expects me to aid in supporting him.

197 replies

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 11:19

My ex, now friend, is quite a bit older than me. I think he's exhibiting some cognitive decline. Very anxious, which is making him depressed. He stresses over everyday, slight issues. To put it into context, he never liked anything that smacked of any kind of stress or responsibility, but was able to navigate things as well as anyone. I've suggested he go to the GP, but he's dismissed this idea.

His DD mentioned it to me last week, clearly expecting me to shoulder a bit of the burden of him. The issue however is that she was a driving force in breaking up our relationship. At the time it happened, she lived with him and made sure she drove me away, because she saw me as a threat, mostly to her inheritance I think (which I wasn't, I have my own financial security).

I'm not even sure he's told her we're not a couple anymore but to my mind, that is almost irrelevant. She did everything she could to split us up, to benefit herself. To my mind, that means she has to shoulder the burden of caring for him now. But she has in the last 3 years built a family of her own, and clearly doesn't want to look after her dad.

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/04/2026 12:45

Oh, you could be helpful and send her links for carer support and information on how people who own property can fund their own care.

Everybodys · 02/04/2026 12:48

You deal with it by being clear. Tell her you've not been a couple for years, so obviously won't be doing any caring. By all means continue to support him as a friend if you want, which is none of her business either way.

saraclara · 02/04/2026 12:51

How can you have split up five years ago, and her not know? How bizarre.

I think it's time someone told her.

LadyKenya · 02/04/2026 12:51

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 12:25

We've not been a couple for 5 years.

Yes, we're friends. I've always wiped out my exes but decided this time not to, because fundamentally, I don't think he's a bad person, just too weak for me.

I've got no intention of being sucked in. I literally don't have the time. And it's definitely not down to me.

My inclination is just to continue standing back. But he is suffering and I feel for him.

Then do what you can do for him, as a friend. You kept him in your life for a reason I take it, or you could have removed him from it, when you broke up.

saraclara · 02/04/2026 12:54

Dear X
I'm sorry to hear this news, but as your Dad and I split up five years ago, it would be inappropriate for me to get involved.

We remain friends, and will continue to be, but his health and potential care is not my responsibility or my business

JLou08 · 02/04/2026 13:05

"His DD mentioned it to me last week, clearly expecting me to shoulder a bit of the burden of him".

What did she actually say? If she she hasn't asked you to care for him outright you don't need to do anything at all, not even tell her you won't be doing anything.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/04/2026 13:11

@MiserableMrsMoppwhat did she actually say which meant she was ‘clearly’ expecting you to help?

CoraPirbright · 02/04/2026 13:11

“Dear Susan, our conversation last week has been playing on my mind so I just wanted to follow up on it. Yes, I have noticed your Dad is not quite as sharp as he once was. When we have our occasional chats, it’s clear that his memory is slipping. You mentioned that I should be getting involved by doing x, y and z. I was, and remain, fond of him but as I am not family, and have not been so for five years now, I am afraid that I am not responsible for his care in any way. I suggest a visit to his GP as a first step, and I am sure they will be able to signpost you to further help.”

If/when she protests, I would follow up with the “but I am not family as you made abundantly clear at the time” line. The daughter needs to bugger off and I think should be aware of the reasons you are now not in place to help with care….

noidea69 · 02/04/2026 13:16

Does she think you are still a couple because her dad still thinks you are (memory issue?)

NotThisAgainSunshine · 02/04/2026 13:18

Notmyreality · 02/04/2026 11:26

You say “Sorry love, we’re not together. You saw to that. He’s your responsibility now. Take this as a life lesson. You reap what you sow.”
And walk off smugly into the setting sun.

The above.

Her message to you shows she’s still a self centred brat.

He is her family and her responsibility.

Chatsbots · 02/04/2026 13:23

Signpost to Social Services and/or GP/CMHT.

Definitely don't get involved. It's really bad dealing with cognitive decline, if the party involved is oblivious.

trumpisruin · 02/04/2026 13:29

But he is suffering and I feel for him
She knows that you feel for him, that's why she thinks she has a chance of manipulating you into taking on the burden.
Mark my words here, if you step up she will step away and leave you to do all the work.

Mangelwurzelfortea · 02/04/2026 13:38

Why are you still talking to the daughter - do you work with her or something? And why does she think you're together? And also, how hard is it to tell her that you're not his partner and this isn't your problem? You don't even like her!

Readytoescape · 02/04/2026 13:49

Give it back to her. “Sorry I can’t help I am not his next of kin”

Coclare · 02/04/2026 13:53

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 12:25

We've not been a couple for 5 years.

Yes, we're friends. I've always wiped out my exes but decided this time not to, because fundamentally, I don't think he's a bad person, just too weak for me.

I've got no intention of being sucked in. I literally don't have the time. And it's definitely not down to me.

My inclination is just to continue standing back. But he is suffering and I feel for him.

She’s still protecting her inheritance.

Know that.

She’s calculating the £7k / month care home fees and looking to your availability to stave that off to line her own pockets ultimately.

I wouldn’t even be involved with her at all - why?

If you want to continue a friendship on your own terms directly with your friend do so - but be really boundaried about what it involves and reassess your ability and contribution regularly.

I wouldn’t even bother with the sign posting her to charities / support etc she can work that out herself and if you do it’s stepping into an area you need to be avoiding.

KimHwn · 02/04/2026 13:55

I'm a passive aggressive cow but I'd say something like, 'I know that you and I are both worried about your father. I still think very highly of him, but sadly we split up as you made it clear that you weren't happy with our relationship. I know things are very difficult for the family now, as caregivers, and I hope you can get him the appropriate help and support. I hope you're alright.'

fabstraction · 02/04/2026 13:56

I'd do only as much as I'd do for any friend or as much as you feel comfortable with. It's obviously not your responsibility, and he's choosing not to seek support, so... It's odd that she doesn't know you aren't a couple, though. I'd make that clear to her, regardless of anything else.

SheilaFentiman · 02/04/2026 14:07

saraclara · 02/04/2026 12:54

Dear X
I'm sorry to hear this news, but as your Dad and I split up five years ago, it would be inappropriate for me to get involved.

We remain friends, and will continue to be, but his health and potential care is not my responsibility or my business

This is perfect.

And if you had been a couple for the last five years (plus whatever time you were dating before that) it would be more than reasonable for both you and his DD to be involved in care decisions. If she truly thinks you are still together, she’s doing nothing wrong by raising it.

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 02/04/2026 14:07

You need to tell her ckearly you are not a couple. I'm not sure why you see this as 'almost irrelevant'. You say you don't want him to suffer but her thinking he has a partner could be having a significant impact on the care she offers. Is it because you don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she broke you up?

trumpisruin · 02/04/2026 14:12

@Coclare is right, the daughter is hoping she can get OP to do the work so that she can get the money.

SheilaFentiman · 02/04/2026 14:13

trumpisruin · 02/04/2026 14:12

@Coclare is right, the daughter is hoping she can get OP to do the work so that she can get the money.

We don’t even know what the DD has said or whether she knows they have broken up - this is quite a reach!

MissingTrees · 02/04/2026 14:23

You say you have no intention of getting sucked into helping care for him, so there's no problem.

You can continue seeing him as a friend and she can do any caring and organisation necessary when he becomes more unwell.

If you tell her you have not been together for a long while it will reduce any expectations she has. But that's up to you.

voilaacrap · 02/04/2026 14:25

Not your responsibility she sounds very spoilt.

How old is your ex?

Could it be depression or are you assuming dementia?

Liveshives · 02/04/2026 14:42

This is absolutely nothing to do with you.
Be very slow to reply briefly to any efforts from her.
Any involvement would be a thankless mistake.
She needs to pay for a carer, not impose on you.

My friend had something similar when she was seeing someone very casually.
His children wanted nothing to do with her, even though it was a very casual relationship through golf.
When he suddenly had sight issues and needed regular help she got a text from his daughters laying out their expectations for appointments and caring duties.
She put them very firmly in their place informing them that she was a friend, not his carer and she was off on a pre planned holiday to Australia for a few months.

She had nursed her husband and had zero intention of being involved in the care of someone she liked and enjoyed days out with.

This is not on you.
This is her thinking you are a free carer.

WearyAuldWumman · 02/04/2026 14:44

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 12:25

We've not been a couple for 5 years.

Yes, we're friends. I've always wiped out my exes but decided this time not to, because fundamentally, I don't think he's a bad person, just too weak for me.

I've got no intention of being sucked in. I literally don't have the time. And it's definitely not down to me.

My inclination is just to continue standing back. But he is suffering and I feel for him.

I hesitate to say this, but if you give any suggestions at all as to how things might be managed, you'll just find yourself being sucked in.

My late husband's daughter wasn't that keen on me until after he had his stroke. Then I became the best thing since sliced bread as I cared for my husband for the next 8 years.

Input/help from the daughter was precisely nil until the funeral was being planned. At that point, she wanted me to do all the work but expected input whilst gushing that I was "family" and asking what I wanted when she and her child arranged mine "many years from now". [I'm sure that my childless, house-owning status had nothing to do with her concern for my funeral arrangments.]

I realise that you still have feelings of friendship towards your ex, but I strongly recommend that you distance yourself before you find yourself being guilted into taking on some of the care load. You sound like a good person. Your ex's daughter? Less so.