Ex partner may be declining cognitively and his daughter expects me to aid in supporting him.

[MiserableMrsMopp]

My ex, now friend, is quite a bit older than me. I think he's exhibiting some cognitive decline. Very anxious, which is making him depressed. He stresses over everyday, slight issues. To put it into context, he never liked anything that smacked of any kind of stress or responsibility, but was able to navigate things as well as anyone. I've suggested he go to the GP, but he's dismissed this idea.

His DD mentioned it to me last week, clearly expecting me to shoulder a bit of the burden of him. The issue however is that she was a driving force in breaking up our relationship. At the time it happened, she lived with him and made sure she drove me away, because she saw me as a threat, mostly to her inheritance I think (which I wasn't, I have my own financial security).

I'm not even sure he's told her we're not a couple anymore but to my mind, that is almost irrelevant. She did everything she could to split us up, to benefit herself. To my mind, that means she has to shoulder the burden of caring for him now. But she has in the last 3 years built a family of her own, and clearly doesn't want to look after her dad.

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

This.

You need to stop ANY contact with her completely, she is not your friend or family member, you owe her nothing.

With regards to him - ask yourself how much practical support he would offer you if things were the other way around.

I’ve been on Mn a very long time and can I tell you how many threads I’ve read where a woman has care needs and her ex partner has stepped up and provided practical or financial support ? Its zero.

It’s the same in real life . Many men don’t even care for their wife of many decades if she becomes ill, let alone their ex.

The most I’d even think about doing for this man is meeting up somewhere for a coffee once a month or so. But I’d make no commitment to this. And I’d not go to his house - it’s too easy to get roped into cleaning or housework if you do that.

He is your ex for a reason.

But he is suffering and I feel for him.

Okay, but you've suggested he goes to the GP, which is literally the only way to start the ball rolling to getting a diagnosis/medication/help and he's refusing so what are you supposed to do?

Stepping back is the right thing. He's not your responsibility. And make sure that the selfish daughter knows that you haven't been a couple for 5 years. Quite honestly, she can F off after the way she treated you. The cheek of chasing you away and now that it suits her she wants you back to take the burden. Bugger that!

With regards to him - ask yourself how much practical support he would offer you if things were the other way around.

And this ^ with bells on.

Just say I’ve suggested he go to the dr that’s all I can do we both moved on a long time ago I won’t be getting involved any further.

Funny how she wants you around now that she’s built a life for herself and doesn’t want the hassle of caring for her dad. I’d reply and say you’re sorry to hear this, but unfortunately now you’re no longer a couple you’d be over stepping to be getting involved (but also make it clear you cannot if she tries to say its not over stepping). She reaps what she sowed now. As sad as it is, it’s not your responsibility.

@MiserableMrsMopp

I think you'll have to find some way to let his DD know that you are not going to be involved in his care. Only you know whether you'll be able to soft pedal it with "Oh that's so sad, what are you planning to do?" hoping she gets the message or whether you'll have to be blunt "Your dad and I have not been a couple for 5 years. I will not be taking on caring responsibilities". But if I were you I'd be keeping the phone number of whatever agency in the UK (I'm US) handles adults who are unable to care for themselves as I have a feeling she won't be stepping up in any satisfactory way.

Similar but not the same. My parents had 'couple friends' and after my dad died his wife died a few years later and he moved in with his DD. My mum and he kept up a very casual 'occasional lunch/phone call' friendship. But once his cognition and physical abilities started to go his daughter started pushing a 'relationship' between them. Telling him how 'close' they were, urging him to call and see Mum more often, telling him "Oh I know XX will drive you to XYZ place/appointment", telling Mum how much he 'enjoys your company', etc. She started feeling the pressure, and being Mum she called the daughter out and told her bluntly that her dad was her responsibility not Mum's. And that she needed to knock off encouraging him to think there was more than just a friendship. The DD acted insulted but it did the trick.

I think the daughter is a very sly one.
It's unlikely she doesn't know they jave separated.
She is mosy likely banking on the lingering feelings OP has for her dad - especially as the relationship didn't come to a 'natural ' end.
If she can tug on her heartstrings, she still gets to protect her inheritance, but without the care responsibilities.

I think it's a perfect response, as the daughter will know she can't push her luck.

She's probably asking you because she thinks you're still a couple!!

How did she drive you away?

Do you have to reply to her at all?

Do you owe her anything?

I think I'd just ignore any messages.

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

It's really very straightforward. You say 'Sorry, I'm a bit confused about why you are mentioning all this to me. You do realise we haven't been in a relationship or quite a while now, don't you?

It's not really any of my business to get involved in your future care plans for him. How you choose to manage his decline is entirely up to you but I wish you well with it. It must be a worry.'

Hi OP, I am the carer for my DH with LB dementia. It is extremely hard work and demanding on a 24 hour basis. I would not have taken this on for anyone other than DH. It is not just the caring (which is tough), it is often the paranoia and anger that goes with dementia. I would always encourage people to be kind to those with dementia. So many of our friends have just disappeared without trace, so please keep in touch. However, at this stage I would be clear with your ex's daughter that whilst you will keep in touch, you cannot be part of care arrangements and that it would be good to get help now. At the early stages of dementia much can be done via medication. Your daughter in law needs to work hard and push to get him to the Doctor and then on to a specialist so that he can live independently for as long as possible. Support is also available from the Admiral nurse network.

Yes - that’s an excellent boundary. Meet outside the home so you are not triggered into worrying by what you see or manipulated into picking up x, popping y in the wash, doing his admin, cleaning etc whilst there.

Goodness - people are shameless, highly manipulative and self serving.

The other point I would like to make is that I have two close family members one who died instantly of a heart attack and the other left very disabled with stroke and died 3 months later - who were the fit and well carers in the couple in their 70s - this is not an unusual outcome as the stress is huge.

I would tell this gentleman’s daughter that you’re sorry - only if you truly are and that her dad definitely needs to see a doctor.
And that he was dismissive when you made the suggestion to him.
And - as she is aware, you and he are not together any more and it would be inappropriate for you to be involved in such a personal family matter.
Then you wish her and her father the very best of luck and that you hope he gets the treatment he needs.

If she tries to persuade you to become further involved, simply say, “I’m sorry, but that’s simply not possible.” End. Of. Just keep repeating that. You do not OWE HER any kind of an explanation. Savvy? ❤️

Do you really need it spelling out? Alienating the daughter will be a really quick way of making sure she never sees the ex again. There are better ways of saying the daughter needs to take responsibility without being so blunt and dismissive.

I do think you need to spell it out clearly that you aren’t together anymore @MiserableMrsMopp- the DD might not know and sadly, if your exP’s memory has been failing for a while, he might have given her confused messages about your relationship. A simple “I’m sorry to hear about your Dad’s health. We actually ended our romantic relationship in xxxx and have just kept in touch as friends. I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to be involved in his care or to be told his medical details.”

Really clear, most importantly you don’t want to know and won’t get involved.

The only reason she needs to respond is because if the exPs memory is failing, he might be confused in what he’s told his dd about the status of his relationship with the OP. Sometimes older people fall between the cracks because no one sees it as their responsibility to take care of them because they think someone else is/it’s someone else’s responsibility.

The OP does need to respond to make it clear to the dd that she’s not in a relationship with the ex, she doesn’t want to know his medical/health information and she won’t be stepping in, so they daughter knows she’s got To do it herself or use external help.

You could ask his social work department to carry out a needs assessment this will ensure that he has access to tailored care - don’t be guilt -tripped!

This feels fair. I don't think it's unreasonable to remind her that her actions led to the break up (which in turn is why she's now having to care for him by herself)

Not your circus and not your monkeys. I’d tell her that your relationship has been platonic for sometime and while you’re still friends - you don’t have any caring responsibilities and won’t be taking any on. Very sorry for her situation, wishing all the best etc.

Are you absolutely sure your ex isnt in your life OP? You describe him as a friend and it's at least unusual that there could be any doubt in his daughter's mind that you aren't together. My sense is that you need to think through exactly where you are with your ex and move from that to the boundaries you set with his daughter. It's hard but you need to be clear with yourself first. Is he your friend? What does that mean to you?

What a bloody cheek!!!! Tell her to do one op. And id be inclined to tell her that as she was the driving force behind your split from her father you don't want to get involved on any level

I would have no qualms in telling her you have not been with him ( partly thanks to her ) for 5 years and no plans to look after him.
That is her job , you reap what you sow .