Ex partner may be declining cognitively and his daughter expects me to aid in supporting him.

[MiserableMrsMopp]

My ex, now friend, is quite a bit older than me. I think he's exhibiting some cognitive decline. Very anxious, which is making him depressed. He stresses over everyday, slight issues. To put it into context, he never liked anything that smacked of any kind of stress or responsibility, but was able to navigate things as well as anyone. I've suggested he go to the GP, but he's dismissed this idea.

His DD mentioned it to me last week, clearly expecting me to shoulder a bit of the burden of him. The issue however is that she was a driving force in breaking up our relationship. At the time it happened, she lived with him and made sure she drove me away, because she saw me as a threat, mostly to her inheritance I think (which I wasn't, I have my own financial security).

I'm not even sure he's told her we're not a couple anymore but to my mind, that is almost irrelevant. She did everything she could to split us up, to benefit herself. To my mind, that means she has to shoulder the burden of caring for him now. But she has in the last 3 years built a family of her own, and clearly doesn't want to look after her dad.

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

Oh here we go, isn't it always the way. You need to tell her that you are not together, he is not your responsibility. You may visit him if you feel like it but you will not be caring for him.

Then ignore her.

Yes this is what's needed. Not an essay.

If you've not been a couple for 5 years, then surely his daughter must realise this? Just because you've remained on friendly terms with him, doesn't equate to you be involved with his care!

I understand that you feel sad for him, because at one time you were once a couple and you thought something of him. However, he's no longer your partner and as such isn't your responsibility.

You've suggested seeing his GP, which has been dismissed. You can't force him to seek help, and you also can't help someone who refuses to help themselves.

I would make it crystal clear to his daughter, that you are no longer his partner and haven't been for 5 years, therefore it wouldn't be appropriate for you to be involved.

His daughter is a cheeky mare. Destroyed your relationship with her Dad, but now expects you to assist her with his care!! Nope, as the saying goes 'you reap what you sow'!

I know someone else who was on the point of leaving her husband when his stroke hit.

His daughter didn't even come to see him when my acquaintance phoned to let her know what had happened: she was landed with all the organisation for her husband's care needs. It was a few years before she was strong enough to extricate herself from the situation.

Thank goodness the OP isn't married to her ex-partner.

Setting aside the fact that he seems not to want help, I think I’d be telling her unequivocally that I will not now, nor ever be helping, and that she is reaping what she has sown. (It feels a little unkind, but the truth isn’t always pretty.)

Edited for typo.

I've heard of this happening on more than one occasion. Also, once adult social services have someone in their sights as a potential carer they can be very difficult indeed to get rid of.

I would clearly say to her 'sorry we haven't been together for 5 years and I don't think it's my place as just a friend to be offering so much support.
I'll stay in touch as a friend, but that's all I can really offer these days'

Make it clear or she may just keep asking. Maybe even infer that you are seeing someone else now so it would be inappropriate.

Regardless of what the DD did five years ago, her father is now ill and I think making comments like “you reap what you sow” is really off - possibly more unkind than anything DD did.

OP and her ex may well have broken up at any time in the last few years for other reasons, and her ex is an adult who made his own relationship decisions.

😄

Or OP, you could just say that you're no longer together and are no longer responsible for him, and remind her that she is his daughter.

This

Perfect response.

She knows full well you have not been in a relationship with him for 5 years.

What the CF is yet to realize is that you're not a sucker.

I wouldn't point her in the direction of any help or support, as that would be a good little opening for her to latch onto you and slowly but surely manipulate you.

She can find out all she needs to know, she's definitely not stupid, and like others have said, her main focus will still be on her inheritance.

“I am sorry your dad isn’t well. I know he values your care and support and I am glad you’ll always be there for him. He is a lovely man and I have enjoyed his company and friendship over the years. He has always said what a wonderful daughter you are, and how he can count on you. I wish you luck and best regards to your dad.”

Yes, that's probaby so. That's not to say thinking such a thing wouldn't be quite natural and forgiveable in the circumstances, but it's quite unnecessary actually to say it.

This still doesn't make OP in any way responsible for her ex's current predicament.

Forget the DD and her situation ,issues etc.
Hoe do you feel?
Do you want to help care for an Ex/now friend with cognitive decline ?
If you do, do what you wish.
If not, explain you aren't able be involved in your exs/now friends care.
Suggest GP/Dementia organisations may be able to help.

Be a friend but don’t get sucked into anything more - his daughter should take responsibility. Don’t be guilt tripped by her - she sounds pretty awful tbh.

Her expectations are her problem, not yours. So is he.

You've asked him to go to the doc and he refused. That's the end.

Tell her sorry, you won't be his caregiver or helping with that and she's unreasonable to expect that when you've been broken up for half a decade.

I think you need to tell her that your ex is now a friend, not a partner.

As a friend you will be there for him to pop round, chat, have a drink, talk over old times, share a meal, watch a tv programme etc, normal friend stuff, but that is as far as your support will go. You are not able to nurse, stay overnight, deal with household emergencies and maintenance , negotiate with gps, hospitals, carers , administer medication etc .

You want to keep the memories of her dad both as a former partner but now a friend, you are not able or willing to go further and hope she puts appropriate support in place for her dad.

Indeed, OP has no caring or other responsibilities to her ex - though she may visit now and again as a friend.

I think I’d continue to see him once a month (or whatever it may be) and reply to the daughter ‘I’m sorry things are difficult. Hope you manage to get the help and support he needs’.

You must be sad for your friend- never good news this.
Can you pull together a list of local support organizations etc and send that to her stressing that he needs an assessment before he can get help and that unless he has that he cannot get prescriptions for drugs that might delay the onset.
Say that as an ex-partner you are in no position to advocate for him, but she should look at setting up a health power of attorney asap then she can make these appointments
Do this not for her, but for your friend
Then you have tried to help your friend but not committed to any actual care or direct support yourself.
By the way it is possible to get an in home assessment through his local NHS memory services eg
https://www.leedsandyorkpft.nhs.uk/our-services/older-peoples-community-services/memory-assessment-service/
But the daughter needs to do POA before online

Daughter probably wants to rope you in as a carer so that her inheritance doesn't vanish into care home fees.

Alas, you are no longer his partner, just a friend, and not in a position to involve yourself more than that. As next-of-kin it's up to her.

Point her in the direction of some resources if you are feeling charitable but nothing more than that.

My experience is that Social Services do their very best not to let people know what care is available or an entitlement for those over the age of 70.

When my husband was discharged following open heart surgery which had complications he was 71 yrs old, so there should have been some kind of assessment before he was sent home. In actual fact, I was at my work when I got a phone call telling me that he was being discharged that day - there was no discussion (and he hadn't been given the promised rehab).

I got to the hospital at 5 pm to pick him up (as agreed with the nurse who phoned me), only to find that he'd been sitting ready since 12 noon and hadn't even been given lunch. (The patient who got his bed got DH's lunch, I believe.) DH was an insulin dependent diabetic.

There was no help wheeling DH out to the car park in spite of the building work in the hospital which meant that I had to run round to the other side of the building to get the car, drive it to another entrance, run up to ward and wheel out DH and his bag.

We later found out that he'd been discharged without the necessary wound care and without the mandatory blood tests for someone who'd had a blood transfusion.

At the time, I was my parents' carers. No one at the hospital had asked about my situation at all.

I wouldn't point her on the direction of resources. The daughter very much wants to make this OP's problem while she did her best to destroy their relationship when they were together. There will be blowback from her about the resources. Any assistance OP gives will be used by the daughter to place blame and or play the victim. She needs to stay far away from this mess.

I do agree the daughter wants a free caregiver to save money.

Don’t get involved, I got dumped with everything when my older ex reached crisis point. It was incredibly stressful and with hindsight I should have had much firmer boundaries.