Ex partner may be declining cognitively and his daughter expects me to aid in supporting him.

[MiserableMrsMopp]

My ex, now friend, is quite a bit older than me. I think he's exhibiting some cognitive decline. Very anxious, which is making him depressed. He stresses over everyday, slight issues. To put it into context, he never liked anything that smacked of any kind of stress or responsibility, but was able to navigate things as well as anyone. I've suggested he go to the GP, but he's dismissed this idea.

His DD mentioned it to me last week, clearly expecting me to shoulder a bit of the burden of him. The issue however is that she was a driving force in breaking up our relationship. At the time it happened, she lived with him and made sure she drove me away, because she saw me as a threat, mostly to her inheritance I think (which I wasn't, I have my own financial security).

I'm not even sure he's told her we're not a couple anymore but to my mind, that is almost irrelevant. She did everything she could to split us up, to benefit herself. To my mind, that means she has to shoulder the burden of caring for him now. But she has in the last 3 years built a family of her own, and clearly doesn't want to look after her dad.

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

I think you re right. And you don't need to know how to deal with this situation. That's on the daughter.

To me its very clear you tell her he's her responsibility not yours end of story . She's clearly a very selfish person and didn't think ahead unfortunately for her thats not your problem .

If she was instrumental in your breaking up with your ex partner why are you still socialising with her? Time to drop the rope. Stop replying to her messages and texts. Block if necessary.

So she wants a free carer to protect her inheritance then. Offer some friendship like visits maybe but you don't need to watch him for her there's people he could pay for to do that and benefits he could claim

I have no contact with her. She just happened to be there when I popped over to see him 2 weeks ago. It's all very fake smiley and friendly. Although she was a bit warmer than usual (sounding me out for care maybe).

So did she say something to you about care when you popped over, or has she subsequently messaged you?

You do realise caring for someone with dementia can be, literally, a thankless task. Been there, done that, got the abuse from him, the criticism from his 'friends' who were happy to snipe from the sidelines while doing nothing to help, the stress until my own health broke down. And that was for a family member I loved (at least until the terrible treatment polluted all my good memories). There is absolutely nothing wrong with firm boundaries.

"She" is irrelevant. The question is what being a "friend" means to you.

With a friend, I'd be inclined to do a bit to help. But that would only be if there was no family available. DD is available. Lives a 10 minute drive away.

but what specifically has she said that leads you to the conclusion she thinks you should do the care?

As our advice is different if there are hints - basically ignore and don't engage - or l if she has said something specific - in which case it depends on what.

💯 do not get involved in 'helping'. You'll get roped into being the general dogsbody in no time because women. And I'd be telling his daughter, 'don't know why you're asking me or expecting me to do, we split up over 5 years ago'.

You are going to have to stand very firm on this. Don't get roped in to help him in any way, or it will just get worse and worse.

As a PP said, you reap what you sow. She didn't want you around, so you need to continue to stick to that.

Thank you for educating me

@MiserableMrsMopp

I think this is a relevant question. And I agree with ignoring hints but addressing specific requests.

But I think perhaps you're worrying a bit too much because it sounds as if you never really hear from her, you just happened to run into her when you went to visit your ex. It'd probably be easy to avoid her. If you go by to visit and see her car, just don't knock. Do you really think she'd contact you directly to ask you to be involved with her dad's care?

Oh well it's sorted then. You don't have to do any care and make it sure if it does actually come up which it hasn't for now.

@MiserableMrsMoppyou have never replied to answer the posters asking what the daughter actually said/asked to make it clear she was obviously expecting you to help?

Indeed…

I agree. I cared for my late husband for four years and the stress nearly killed me. I don't regret it as I loved him and we had been together almost fifty years. However I would not get dragged into this in your situation.

@saraclara puts it perfectly.

You can still be a friend to him, but tbh you also need to be careful given his daughter’s previous behavior. If you get too involved, anything that goes wrong (him getting muddled with money/losing it/overspending, etc.) could be blamed on you.

She lives locally and she can sort out support for him. 🤷

I would say to her if she asks you for help in caring for him that you broke up 5 years ago because you knew she was not happy with you and him being a couple and that unfortunately you don't have the time to do this.

I would tell her to ring his GP and bring him there to establish what's wrong with him.
Give her citizens advice and the the altizmers society phone numbers as they can give her advice.

I would not provide any care to him because if he has cognitive decline, altizmers or dementia it will get worse in time. My feeling is that she was nice to you the day she met you because she wants you to help her out. It not your job to do this but I would still call to him as a friend.

I would still occasionally visit the friend but decline any caring duties or involvement of that nature. That's not a friends job but the responsibility of the next of kin who lives 10 minutes away.

This. Really, don't get sucked in. It will destroy your life and he's not your partner.