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Original poster

Ex partner may be declining cognitively and his daughter expects me to aid in supporting him.

197 replies

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 11:19

My ex, now friend, is quite a bit older than me. I think he's exhibiting some cognitive decline. Very anxious, which is making him depressed. He stresses over everyday, slight issues. To put it into context, he never liked anything that smacked of any kind of stress or responsibility, but was able to navigate things as well as anyone. I've suggested he go to the GP, but he's dismissed this idea.

His DD mentioned it to me last week, clearly expecting me to shoulder a bit of the burden of him. The issue however is that she was a driving force in breaking up our relationship. At the time it happened, she lived with him and made sure she drove me away, because she saw me as a threat, mostly to her inheritance I think (which I wasn't, I have my own financial security).

I'm not even sure he's told her we're not a couple anymore but to my mind, that is almost irrelevant. She did everything she could to split us up, to benefit herself. To my mind, that means she has to shoulder the burden of caring for him now. But she has in the last 3 years built a family of her own, and clearly doesn't want to look after her dad.

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

OP posts:
GeorgeMichaelsCat · 02/04/2026 12:16

Notmyreality · 02/04/2026 11:26

You say “Sorry love, we’re not together. You saw to that. He’s your responsibility now. Take this as a life lesson. You reap what you sow.”
And walk off smugly into the setting sun.

Totally agree with this

NoTouch · 02/04/2026 12:16

It will be difficult for her so I wouldn’t put the boot in, especially as you obviously still care for your friend.

But I would regularly drip feed in comments about “family” dealing with the practicalities of care and you will keep in contact with your friend socially when you can. If she asks directly repeat and mention as you are no longer in a relationship with her father you are not family so cannot advocate or make decisions for him.

MeAndMyGhost · 02/04/2026 12:17

Did the daughter outline what the expectation involves?

purplecorkheart · 02/04/2026 12:17

I would simply tell her that you are no longer a couple so it would not be appropriate to get involved. And then I would not longer engage with her. By signposting her to charties/GP etc is getting involved and she sounds like the type who would suck you in.

Viviennemary · 02/04/2026 12:22

Just point out to her that you are no longer together. As she is presumably his next of kin, she has to take charge and make decisions for his welfare.

Lunde · 02/04/2026 12:24

I'd just grey rock - make sympathetic noises but refuse mention of giving any assistance yourself

"Oh that sounds very difficult for you - has he seen the Gp/been assessed by Social Services? Have you contacted XYZ charity to see what help is available?"

Original poster
MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 12:25

We've not been a couple for 5 years.

Yes, we're friends. I've always wiped out my exes but decided this time not to, because fundamentally, I don't think he's a bad person, just too weak for me.

I've got no intention of being sucked in. I literally don't have the time. And it's definitely not down to me.

My inclination is just to continue standing back. But he is suffering and I feel for him.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 02/04/2026 12:27

Why/how often are you seeing her seeing as she was the driving force in ending a relationship with her dad-I can’t imagine you’re going to have anything to do with her or him?!

Just say you’re not with him.

Why does her telling you about his decline make you thing she is expecting you to care for him?

AgeingBanana · 02/04/2026 12:29

I don’t think you can say it’s irrelevant whether she knows you’re broken up or not. If she thinks you’re together, she’s not unreasonable to think you should be helping as any partner should.

If she does know (or continues to ask once you tell her), she’s obviously unreasonable and you can tell her bluntly to get lost.

AprilMizzel · 02/04/2026 12:29

Other than make sympathic noise - point out you split 5 years ago - and maybe mention GP or hearing tests ( a lot of FIL decline was hearing related and hearing aids have made massive improvement) again - there's nothing to be done.

Her expectations are her problem - and as little contact as possible with her will probably help you ignore her.

SerafinasGoose · 02/04/2026 12:32

wracky · 02/04/2026 12:08

Don't deny your friend help you'd otherwise give him out of spite to his daughter. He's what's important here, not his daughter.

Make your own mind up on how much help you would be prepared to give if you'd broken up without her involvement and do that. That might well mean none or very little.

Women are not society's default carers.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/04/2026 12:32

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 12:25

We've not been a couple for 5 years.

Yes, we're friends. I've always wiped out my exes but decided this time not to, because fundamentally, I don't think he's a bad person, just too weak for me.

I've got no intention of being sucked in. I literally don't have the time. And it's definitely not down to me.

My inclination is just to continue standing back. But he is suffering and I feel for him.

You split up with him five years ago and you don’t think she knows (despite her Neng the one to split you up?).

Senmum2026 · 02/04/2026 12:33

5 years is a long time!

Just tell her that you split up 5 years ago but yes you have noticed x,y and z and perhaps it’s time she took him to the GP to discuss it

Happyjoe · 02/04/2026 12:33

No, she had her part to play in driving you away, she doesn't get to pick and chose.
Anything you do for your ex should be because you want to, not because she demands anything. If that amounts to doing nothing, then that's absolutely fine. Not your problem. Take good care OP and whatever you do, don't feel bad about any choice you make.

zingally · 02/04/2026 12:35

Next time she mentions/hints:

"Yes, I've noticed that David isn't as sharp as he used to be. Such a shame. But you know he and I aren't in a relationship any more, right? And haven't been for a while. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to get involved with his care on any deeper level than a concerned friend. You're best off speaking to his doctor."

MyDeftDuck · 02/04/2026 12:36

“Not really sure how to deal with this situation?” Simple, you tell her and him that his care is not your responsibility. She went out of her way to remove you from his life and he wasn’t strong enough to stand up to her to prevent her driving a wedge between you. Walk away.

Mydogisblackandwhite · 02/04/2026 12:37

I'd definitely remind her of her behaviour when you were together and how it impacted your relationship then leading the relationship to break down.... as others have said, not your circus,not your monkey's

Ceramiq · 02/04/2026 12:37

Just stay away. You have absolutely no role here.

Frugalgal · 02/04/2026 12:39

MiserableMrsMopp · 02/04/2026 11:19

My ex, now friend, is quite a bit older than me. I think he's exhibiting some cognitive decline. Very anxious, which is making him depressed. He stresses over everyday, slight issues. To put it into context, he never liked anything that smacked of any kind of stress or responsibility, but was able to navigate things as well as anyone. I've suggested he go to the GP, but he's dismissed this idea.

His DD mentioned it to me last week, clearly expecting me to shoulder a bit of the burden of him. The issue however is that she was a driving force in breaking up our relationship. At the time it happened, she lived with him and made sure she drove me away, because she saw me as a threat, mostly to her inheritance I think (which I wasn't, I have my own financial security).

I'm not even sure he's told her we're not a couple anymore but to my mind, that is almost irrelevant. She did everything she could to split us up, to benefit herself. To my mind, that means she has to shoulder the burden of caring for him now. But she has in the last 3 years built a family of her own, and clearly doesn't want to look after her dad.

Not really sure how to deal with this situation?

Tell her he is no longer your responsibility as you split 5 years ago and she needs to take him to the GP.

Finaly · 02/04/2026 12:40

zingally · 02/04/2026 12:35

Next time she mentions/hints:

"Yes, I've noticed that David isn't as sharp as he used to be. Such a shame. But you know he and I aren't in a relationship any more, right? And haven't been for a while. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to get involved with his care on any deeper level than a concerned friend. You're best off speaking to his doctor."

I would go with this approach. She needs to know that you're not a couple so she has no expectation of you dealing with it.

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2026 12:41

Ask her outright why she thinks it is your responsibility.

You ended the relationship because of her behaviour, so ultimately you don't want to work with her on anything anyway as you know it won't work out and won't be in your best interests to deal with her.

Any responsibility to him ended when you ended the relationship. If you were prepared to take on that responsibility and deal with her youd probably still be with him. But you are not so you aren't.

HazelMember · 02/04/2026 12:42

Why is it a struggle to know to deal with the situation?

The DD is expecting you to shoulder the care when she drove you away. She is not your boss. She can't make you do anything.

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2026 12:42

'Inappropriate' is definitely the key word here.

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2026 12:43

It's an inappropriate expectation/request and it would be inappropriate for you to intervene as you are only a friend.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/04/2026 12:44

I really don’t get why didn’t you tell her that you weren’t a couple when she said this?! You say this isn’t relevant but it’s completely relevant.

I don’t see why you are spending any time with someone who destroyed your relationship anyway tbh.