DH angry with me following work trip

[FlamingoFloss]

Been with my husband 19 years. We ‘were’ in a good place. He’s been away working this week. He got home this evening and I was round my neighbours (who he gets on with and we have a great community). I came out as soon as I saw him pulling up with our friend and came in to be with him. Chatted to our friend and offered him dinner which he declined as he said he needed to go. I said to my DH I’ve left my phone at neighbours so I’ll go grab it. No problem. Neighbour reminds me that I’m asking DH to go and see the band we saw last Saturday tonight (we all went and had a fab night) so call DH and ask him. He says he doesn’t want to go so I say fair enough, can you drop us around the corner as I’d quite like to go. We have tomorrow together (he’s working tomorrow evening) and we have Sunday and next week together. The connection drops so I try to call him back. He doesn’t answer. I’ve come home and he’s laid into me that he just wants to spend the time with me but I’d rather eff off with my neighbour (joint friend), threw his glass so it smashed in the kitchen, shouted at me some more that he’s been away working all week and I should just want to be with him and stormed upstairs telling me to eff off out.

"it’s the first time that’s happened"

It's not the first time.

Omg this thread is almost impossible to understand.

Have you missed the bit where she says he became aggressive, shouted at her then smashed a glass?
Or the next post where she says he's been aggressive before?

Stop victim-blaming.

For gods sake - we don't live in our partner's pocket we are allowed to go out with friends - this is not a normal reaction - please don;t condone it because he has been away!!!

I'm often tired and we all get frustrated - I've never thrown and smashed a glass, shouted angrily at my husband and told him to fuck off! OP had also already said it's not a one off 🙄

Yes it is bolted on abuse and intimidation..the first time it happens

Absolutely not what happened

He’s also messaged my neighbour and told her I’m not to come home

I did. When my ex husband had been cheating and gaslighting repeatedly and was fucking with my head and finally cracked
I didn't throw it at him but I did throw it. I am not proud but not ashamed either. Months of gaslighting and lying and making out I was awful just to make himself feel better about/get away with cheating all game to a head

Never did it before or since. But his behaviour pushed me to the brink

It's pretty obvious to me that OP was offering dinner to the person who was in the car with her husband. But then again we learnt English comprehension when I was at school, something judging by the Mumsnet responders across this and other threads is no longer taught.

And why is once ok but twice isn't? I've never thrown a glass in anger, even when I'm really angry. My husband neither. Shards of glass around isn't good

It’s not the first time

It was a very poorly and ambiguously written op to be fair. Perhaps deliberately so to obscure genders.

That could be because of the reality of where violent behaviour leads when it is man against woman...the outcomes and escalation are nowhere near the same level of risk

It doesn't matter the sex of your neighbour. (BTW, we all know you wouldn't dare see a male because if the behaviour he already exerts to control you).

Most importantly, he has been abusive for at least the second time.

Far less importantly, he doesn't get to enjoy the autonomy of adulthood by choosing to work away and then dictate your autonomy. It's pathetic of him to expect you to sit around pining for him.

Another poster suggested he wanted to spend time with you. Why the fuck would you want to spend time with him? He's a nasty, abusive, self-centred man.

Him "missing you" (which in this scenario is an euphemism for wanting you at home in your place) doesn't entitled him to your time. A nice man would have either joined in or stayed home and chilled and caught up so he had loads of free time to spend with you at the next mutually agreeable time.

Living with a man doesnt entitle him.to your time. Unregulated anger is unacceptable and anger in this scenario isnt even justified. Lord knows what he's like over something important.

Are you sharing this story because you think it’s acceptable to throw a glass because you don’t want your other half to see a band?

Yes, it was as clear as day to me.

It's also pretty easy to read the OP"s subsequent posts so as not to assume that this is the first time her husband has been aggressive and smashed things.

I get why he was hurt if he had been away all week and you had planned to do something else on the evening he returned, it’s unlikely after a week away he’d be up for going to see a band.
It’s not ok that he’s throwing things around and shouting, only you know if this is a repeating pattern and if it is you should plan to leave.

He had just got home when you went to the neighbours. You could have gone home and had the conversation but instead you rang and then asked him for a favour. I can see why he was annoyed it put him on the spot. But his reaction is ott. It now sounds like you are unable to go home. You shouldn’t have to tiptoe round him op.

What are you going to do OP? Do you plan to go home, or can you stay with your neighbour tonight, and then hopefully make the decision that the relationship is well and truly over? I wouldn't go back to a man who behaves like that, and to tell you not to come home over something so silly, is absolutely ridiculous unless things have been coming to a head for a while, or has he been seeing someone else while 'working away'?

I didn’t know what time he would be home but as soon as he was home I went round

Him seeing someone else isn’t a thing cos he can’t

How do you work that one out when I said OPs behaviour was not the best but that his behaviour was completely unacceptable?

Its ok to acknowledge why someone would be upset and her DH is allowed to be upset.

However, how we act when we’re upset is what matters and his behaviour was completely unacceptable.

I’m not really sure why either of you are in this relationship?

You sound like you try and avoid seeing him at any chance you get and he sounds aggressive and perhaps even abusive.

Neither of you even like each other.

Fair enough. But that's nothing like what OP is describing happened here.