DH angry with me following work trip

[FlamingoFloss]

Been with my husband 19 years. We ‘were’ in a good place. He’s been away working this week. He got home this evening and I was round my neighbours (who he gets on with and we have a great community). I came out as soon as I saw him pulling up with our friend and came in to be with him. Chatted to our friend and offered him dinner which he declined as he said he needed to go. I said to my DH I’ve left my phone at neighbours so I’ll go grab it. No problem. Neighbour reminds me that I’m asking DH to go and see the band we saw last Saturday tonight (we all went and had a fab night) so call DH and ask him. He says he doesn’t want to go so I say fair enough, can you drop us around the corner as I’d quite like to go. We have tomorrow together (he’s working tomorrow evening) and we have Sunday and next week together. The connection drops so I try to call him back. He doesn’t answer. I’ve come home and he’s laid into me that he just wants to spend the time with me but I’d rather eff off with my neighbour (joint friend), threw his glass so it smashed in the kitchen, shouted at me some more that he’s been away working all week and I should just want to be with him and stormed upstairs telling me to eff off out.

This actually really resonates as he has Asperger’s Stndrome. I’ve just looked it up and it makes perfect sense. Thank you

Both things can be true at the same time

Of course I was worried but I need to deal with life still and to be honest, I needed a distraction

I'm not sure how he can have a diagnosis of Aspergers because that term is no longer used clinically and hasn't been for a pretty long time.

Posted before I meant to. I also find it really strange that you only mention now that he is autustic. It's a very big thing to hold back and completely changes things.

And could go a very long way to explaining his behaviour on the third Friday in a row that you didn't want to spend the evening alone with him after he had worked away all week.

My 40 year old cousin has Aspergers. That was his diagnosis, when he was diagnosed. Nearly 20 years ago.

Since @FlamingoFloss has been with her partner for 19 years, he is probably a similar age.
An ex also had the same diagnosis, he is currently 29. Just because the term isn't clinically used now, doesn't mean no one has the diagnosis now.

Neither of them have ever responded violently. So why is it an excuse for OPs husband?

Ah, the autism card. Excellent.

Neurodiverse has become synonymous with fails to take personal responsibility.

In fact given that all cuntish and abusive behaviour seems to be being attributed to “is he/she ND?” These days I think we should just start accepting that everyone is neurodiverse i.e. we’re all unique individuals and everyone is responsible for their own behaviour, and if that behaviour means they’re an abusive arsehole then they need to be held accountable for it.

Smashing things in anger is abusive behaviour.

It’s not excusable,. It’s not explainable, and unless people want to start accepting that being neurodiverse means that you’re likely to be an abuser and is happy for people with genuine ND conditions to be acknowledged as such, no? Didn’t think so.

OP ignore the abuse apologists on this thread.

There was a time when MN was a supportive place for victims of domestic violence.

This time he smashed a glass on the floor. Next time it could be in your face.

Oh but poor diddems must be upset because he had a bad childhood/can’t get it up/has fuck knows whatever condition which apparently supersedes the fact that the OP is on the two week cancer pathway and had surgery yesterday.

No, no, no, no, no! Smashing the glassware is a really scary/intimidating thing to do.

It's domestic abuse and a huge red flag.

As a one-off, it is a red flag that could be forgiven/overcome once the reason is understood and sincere apology (and promise not to do it again) has been made.

If it's not a one-off then OP's next question is "will it be me next time?"

Edit to add: never minimise a violent response to an everyday situation. An appropriate response would be to say:
"I'm tired and I don't want to go out; I was hoping to spend a quiet evening with you, couldn't you give it a miss this time?"
Not to start throwing things!

Thread has drip fed a lot more since I wrote that and I also added posts. Perhaps read it all first.

Yes! Which I have now read 😀.

But I still think my point is valid. We do far too much excusing of violent behaviour from a man who has lost his temper.
I think it is disgraceful, for instance, that we (as a society) use the phrase "crime of passion" to excuse violent (potentially murderous) behaviour.

And? No drip feed excuses violence, and we need to stop saying that it does. It doesn’t.

If whatever condition he claims to have means he reacts violently then he has no business being in a relationship. The end.

Stop justifying/minimising/excusing domestic violence.

Understand is not excusing.

Maybe not where you are but where I am it was in use recently. Perhaps it shouldn't have been, but it was. Perhaps also this man was diagnosed as a child and was given the label at that time.

OP it's abusive behaviour and whether it's due to autism or not is irrelevant. It's not something that should be tolerated. If he has RSD that's something he needs to deal with, not something you should have to tiptoe around.

It doesn't matter that the glass didn't hit you, it was still a violent action used as a way of expressing emotion and that's unacceptable. I'm also sure he's leaving you to clear it up isn't he? And will he even bother to apologise for acting this way (not that that makes it ok or acceptable)?

He may have wanted you to stay home with him but his wants don't trump yours, you're not an accessory to his life. You're a person with your own life and on this evening you wanted to go out with friends to a particular event. There's nothing wrong with that. You weren't ignoring him, you chatted with him, you were going to spend time with him the next day. His outburst wasn't your fault.

I wonder if you're only "in a good place" usually because he works away so you get a break from his behaviour. I wouldn't start altering your behaviour to appease him and try to stop the outbursts, that's a slippery slope where you eventually end up a shell of who you used to be, too scared to have an opinion in case it offers from his or to have a life of your own because he doesn't like it.

Wow these responses are something else. My partner also works away every weekday. Am I supposed to never make plans with anyone else on a weekend and ensure every single weekend is reserved for him solely? Seriously, he was invited, he didn’t want to go, that’s on him and even if he wasn’t - op has a right to spend time with friends on a weekend and shouldn’t feel guilty for doing so.

Ah, the asd purity police are here to ignore the ops distress and tell everyone they are wrong, including those with their own lived experience, because if it contradicts the purity police it doesn’t count.
this pissed me off on every thread about autism.

Yes sorry it was lucky but I was posed of about a drip feed that would have changed my own response and probably a lot of others.

I'm very sorry for the OP but her marriage sounds as if it's been in deep trouble for a very long time.

totally agree.

And its one thing to be a bit fed up that his wife went out and sulk, (though not preferable!) but to refuse to take her to her serious hospital appointment the next day is disgusting.

Complete over reaction, being verbally and physically aggressive. Need to talk to him and give him earning of that ever happens again you are off. Completely unacceptable

This should read

Yes sorry it was picky but I was pissed off about a drip feed that would have changed my own response and probably a lot of others.

I'm very sorry for the OP but her marriage sounds as if it's been in deep trouble for a very long time.

The glass smashing is a form of DV. GTFO fast!