DH angry with me following work trip

[FlamingoFloss]

Been with my husband 19 years. We ‘were’ in a good place. He’s been away working this week. He got home this evening and I was round my neighbours (who he gets on with and we have a great community). I came out as soon as I saw him pulling up with our friend and came in to be with him. Chatted to our friend and offered him dinner which he declined as he said he needed to go. I said to my DH I’ve left my phone at neighbours so I’ll go grab it. No problem. Neighbour reminds me that I’m asking DH to go and see the band we saw last Saturday tonight (we all went and had a fab night) so call DH and ask him. He says he doesn’t want to go so I say fair enough, can you drop us around the corner as I’d quite like to go. We have tomorrow together (he’s working tomorrow evening) and we have Sunday and next week together. The connection drops so I try to call him back. He doesn’t answer. I’ve come home and he’s laid into me that he just wants to spend the time with me but I’d rather eff off with my neighbour (joint friend), threw his glass so it smashed in the kitchen, shouted at me some more that he’s been away working all week and I should just want to be with him and stormed upstairs telling me to eff off out.

You refer to as your neighbour as him! That sounds male to me.

What a weird comment

Why were you so careful to avoid giving away neighbour's sex in your op?

Either way this sounds like a relationship that died some time ago

Nothing makes me want to spend time with a man like him throwing a glass and smashing it
What a fucking idiot

Yes.

Throwing things, being aggressive and shouting are forms of domestic abuse.

He should be able to communicate calmly he’d like to relax back at home and spend the evening with you, without becoming aggressive.

Nothing justifies his behaviour. However, I can see why he might be upset. He’s been working away all week for three weeks in a row and is working tomorrow evening. He was clearly looking forward to getting home and spending a relaxed evening with you. But he’s barely got home when you’ve popped to the neighbours, then (rather than coming back home) called him from there and asked him to come out and, when he’s said no, you’ve then asked him for a lift!

Why don’t you want to spend time with him when you haven’t seen him for a week? Is it because he’s abusive?

You're the weirdo on this thread 😂😂

Pretzeling yourself like mad to see how this guy is the victim of OP. Are you him? 😂😂

The OP isn't clearly written.

Clearly you haven’t read my posts properly. Haven’t remotely suggested he’s a victim, the opposite actually.

No one excused his behaviour and or reactions . Posters are saying they can understand his feelings.
He's away from home all week 3 weeks running and on the nights he's come home, his wife has made plans with their friends.
She’s not bothered that he’s not coming.
She wasn’t even in when he came home.

Nothing to do with being a little woman. I can’t see many women being happy with this situation if the roles were reversed.

You said you were.

"... I was round my neighbours (who he gets on with and we have a great community). I came out as soon as I saw him pulling up with our friend and came in to be with him. Chatted to our friend and offered him dinner which he declined as he said he needed to go... "

My bold for emphasis

That’s how I read it too. But re reading I think the male friend was a different person who came home with DH and then left shortly after when OP offered him food. She then went back to the neighbours. The OP is not clearly written

I didn't say it was nothing. Do you think women never get angry and smash things and swear?

This ^

I'm not surprised the OP's partner is annoyed

Using the Reddit ESH.

Him for his behaviour but also you for yours.

He wants to spend time with you and when you wanted to go out with friends he said no, and your reaction was "Ok, can you give me a lift then?" No wonder he felt uncared about after all his time away.

That said, his reaction was U. If it has never happened before and this was genuinely a one off then I would firstly, cancel going out and then talk to him about what prompted it. If he has never behaved like this before then there is almost certainly something else underlying it.

There is a difference between an abusive person and a person who has acted in an abusive manner. On the basis of your OP I would say he falls into the latter category and that needs looking into.

I say this as someone who escaped an abusive marriage, so I know whereof I speak.

You said it means nothing. I don’t smash things, ever… and it’s not ok to when arguing or shouting at someone. If you think it is then you have a problem

As a one off that would mean nothing

Your words.

What's your point about a woman doing it? Is that relevant?

If it was a one off what do you think it means?

For sure it's relevant. Women and men are held to completely different standards on this forum.

What?

Tell me why it's relevant. Explain why you think what 'women' do is anything whatsoever to do with this man being violent and abusive.

yes and controling behaviour, basically LTB

Please let me clarify. I was around my female neighbours (I don’t know what time he would be home). I saw him pull up outside with a mae friend who had given him a lift from the station. I came out as soon as I saw them. I had dinner in. I offered our friend dinner with us which he declined. I popped back round to my neighbours as I’d left my phone there and she asked me if we were going to see the band that we’d all seen last weekend. I rang my husband and asked him if we were going. He said he didn’t fancy it and I said I quite did and could he drop us. This is not an unusual occurrence. This is when he hung up on me and when I went home he smashed the glass. If he has spoken to me In a nice way this could have been different

Rubbish.

"It’s normal to want to see your partner when they’ve been working away. She was at the male neighbours house when he got home, briefly came back into the house for a chat with her partner, then went back to neighbours and phoned him to see if he wanted to come with them, and then asked for a lift for her night out with the neighbour, not a thought for catching up with her partner. Most people would be a bit annoyed."

You are clearly saying here that OP has provoked this outrageous behaviour by her partner, when there is NO excuse for it. You are two-faced.

If a child threw a glass across the floor and swore at you, you would be in absolutely no doubt that this was bad behaviour and in no way your fault. You sound so confused running through all the details in your mind. The fact is he should not have done that and there are no excuses.

Your decision to go out was in line with what's normal in your marriage - the marriage you have built together, the rules for 'going out/not going out' that you have figured out together.

Yes it sounds like something upset him on his work trip but what the hell - is this how he is going to act now when something bothers him?