Tips for surviving a life I didn’t sign up for?

[Snorfig]

Thanks to my husband’s porn addiction (which I knew nothing of until a dawn police raid in 2024) I’m now a single parent to a highly anxious teen and autistic pre-teen, I have to supervise contact with their dad (I won’t let him live with us) and deal with All The Everything.
I work PT as a lawyer in a high pressure public sector field, I’m very good at my job and better able to cope with my job than I ever was when He lived at home, but my life is a dumpster fire.
I struggle to do the amount of exercise I need to stay in stable mental health (endurance sport) and my whole non-working time is consumed by my autistic daughter, with my eldest getting scraps of my attention.
I had to cancel my weekly cleaner as it isn’t affordable, and my friends are all busy with their lives so I don’t have a social life. Our friends we used to hang out with as families have dropped me, or I find it very difficult to be around them as I’m wary of men (significant PTSD from the shock and betrayal).
all I have is buying things off Vinted and doom scrolling. I am just holding on day by day till the youngest is over 18 and they can make their own arrangements to see their dad. I feel like I’m just existing, I hate my life and don’t recognise it.
Any suggestions for little pockets of happiness I can find that don’t cost too much would be much appreciated.
I already run, lift weights, journal and meditate. I’m in therapy (have been since life exploded).
I don’t get enough sleep (autistic child regressed massively due to trauma) and i struggle to prioritise myself at all.
I think a lot of not existing. That’s not an option obviously but I need to make daily life tolerable.

Lots of good book recs already, but if you want to read modern, adult novels then Storygraph lets you look up content warnings for books.

Search for a book on the app/website, scroll to the bottom of the page and you'll find a section called content warnings. Sexual content is a specific warning and they note whether it is graphic, moderate or minor.

My life is a dumpster fire too but for different reasons....maybe we could start a club!
The answer to the book issue, which I totally identify with, is to read good children/ teenager books. I have specific place I look for recommendations.
I like to think it'll get better but sometimes I feel that if I get as far as a light at the end of the tunnel, someone will blow it out.

Yes, I was also going to say that (age dep) you may be in Peri / Menopause as well and may benefit from HRT to support both your mental & physical health.

@Beerpink @ThanksVeryMuch @WildMintPanda @TheFilliesWillRiseAgain

take a moment and think whether your passive aggressive comments/morbid curiosity around what the OPs husband did or do not do is serving the OP.

the nosiness on a thread like this is grim but the faux “goodness me arrested for porn surely not” as a way to undermine the OP is disgraceful. You should be ashamed.

I came here to say this too @Snorfig
Work FT and invest in some support wherever you can. I had a cleaner and upped her hours when my DC was a teen. Just helped my mood. I also had a 19 yo gap year student help with after school care for DC when she was in year 9 and 10. She loved her and they learned Hamilton and she helped with homework and cooked noodles and Asian food. I think she was also mildly autistic and completely got my DD.

anyway this gave me some time and my job gave me some self esteem and I tried to see friends occasionally.
small wins but it's tough x

👏 👏 👏
Thank you for saying that I don’t know what is wrong with people.

It is so hard to avoid violence and sex. In that case, how about young adult fiction? In all seriousness, it is great! And of course much safer trigger- wise.

OP, I was moved to emerge from nearly 20 years of lurking to respond to your thread. You mention you do weightlifting, and I sense from your posts that you are someone who likes a sense of achievement? I would recommend doing one of Caroline Girvan's training programmes on YouTube - e.g. the "Iron" series. If I'm at a bit of a low ebb, I feel that being able to tick off the workouts in those series really helps - there are about 50 in each program.
Re: books, I would recommend Anne Tyler if you haven't read her before? Her books are beautiful, quite literary but in a gentle way. I think I've read pretty much all of them and I don't recall ever coming across a sex scene.
I wish you and your daughters all the best with moving through this difficult period.

Agree. Such unnecessary comments from that poster.

You are doing amazing! I could have written your title and it is so tough, remember you need to take care of yourself first and this will help you care for the kids. Oxygen mask on yourself first is how I was told as otherwise you burnout and that’s not good. Doom scrolling affects sleep and mood and is addictive - replace it with something better like music or meditation, knitting even or anything that actually relaxes and benefits you. I listen to Insight Timer and also knit and it really helps. Good luck, you’ve got this.

I can only read between the lines of your post.

What happened was utterly disgusting and the older I get the more I can’t stand men.

Is it possible your ex only see your children at a contact centre that he pays directly?

Can you increase your work hours to pay for a cleaner?

OP, just coming on to say well done. You have been dealt a shitty turn in life, but you are dealing with it. I hate to hear you say that your daughters deserve more from you as mum. You are working, supporting yourself and your daughters financially. And you are consistently there for your daughters, loving them, bringing them stability, a life raft amid the chaos that has been dumped on them by their dad. The circumstances are shitty and unfair and you have too much on your shoulders. But you are doing well. Your daughters are very very lucky to have you and they need you. You make their life so so much better. And you are their route out of this tough time.

Sometimes we have such high standards for ourselves that we feel like we are failing when we are not … eg a clean house, every need met, feeling great, being ‘over it’ or having plenty money are not reasonable targets right now. Don’t whip yourself when you don’t meet these. The circumstances you are in mean you are succeeding just by continuing to be there, loving your daughters, meeting their essential needs and keeping your head above water. It sounds like you are working very hard to do that. Don’t be adding guilt or shame that doesn’t belong on your shoulders. You are the hero here. And you are doing really really well. And yes, I would still say that even if I saw a messy house, a shitty readymade dinner, a breakdown of tears, or see that you feel hopeless sometimes.

give yourself a big big pat on the back. And I hope every day you can credit yourself with keeping going, all the great stuff you are already managing, and any small victories for that day. Sending big hugs.

Thank you for all the replies. I’ve been upstairs to sit with the oldest who showed me a cute ‘trend’ thing she and her BFF are doing where they send each other songs for each colour of the rainbow… the youngest is waiting for Him to come over as she’s desperate to show him her progress on a computer game. He’s running very late (guess what, he now has all this time for his own hobbies and sports and is constantly socialising…)
I’ve got plenty of food for thought from your lovely replies. I want to focus on building a better life for me and the girls, using my own abilities and skills, rather than just existing in the ruins of my ‘broken’ one. I’m going to let myself off for today, as I’ve been getting by on so little sleep, but tomorrow try and have a little more… oomph.

Hey, I’m happy to find, have already read, and can personally guarantee some safe books for you if you’d like, OP? I have experienced trauma of a sexual nature, very different to what you’ve been through but I found any sex at all in books quite triggering. Happy to share a list on here that would help anyone who needs some bright, cheerful no-sex books.

Yes please that would be lovely. And to be honest I’m so done with men. I look at the world and all its problems and there’s one common denominator in the protagonists - having a penis.

Fiona Gibson, B R maycock and Rich Amoii books are romantic comedy books with no sex in them. Hope things work out ok op and you figure out a way to get fresh air, exercise and sleep x

Hello.op so sorry you're going through this. Your title reminded me of accidentally brave a film and I believe a Broadway show about a very similar situation you're going through.

Have you had proper support and therapy for the betrayal trauma? This isn't something a run of the mill therapist will understand. It's perfectly normal to be triggered be all sexual content for quite some time although it gets lots better op there is hope.

If you need resources and support I'd happily supply lots of recommendations.

As a mother of children with additional needs too I really feel how hard it is. Have lots of grace for yourself rest as much as possible the trauma will exhaust the life out of you (as if it wasnt already) but it gets better I promise.

I also second/third the up your hours to FT comment.

I’d also seriously consider whether a move out of public sector would make sense.

i understand this likely seems counter intuitive but as a lawyer I have worked both PT and in GLS and they are IMO the worst options. The former was a nightmare because ultimately I did FT hours compressed into 4 days with none of the benefits and the latter was hideously under resourced so stressful and frustrating for limited pay.

Have you read the novels of Barbara Pym? With the exception of one (Less than angels) I don't think sex is mentioned; she was writing in the 1940s-60s and her books are very sedate, but hilariously funny at times. I would also recommend Diary of a Provincial Lady by EM Delafield and the Mapp and Lucia books by EF Benson.

Separately, I find sewing or knitting very good ways of relaxing. Agree with you about cats as a distraction!

Along the same lines as crochet to keep your mind busy, do you play an instrument? It's practically impossible (for me at least) to spiral whilst trying to coordinate hands, eyes and brain to sightread.

I imagine you need to interrupt the flashbacks and the rumination, not just deal with the practical aspects.

Are you in any anti depressants?

I may be incorrect but the OP's mention of police raid and court case point to illegal porn?

Which of course makes a terrible situation even darker.

I was just asking an innocent question but you've now made me realise what he must have been arrested for 😮

👏 to the idea of decluttering and calming your life expressed by @MxCactus

You might not have the energy to think about this just now, but please consider finding a way to go freelance in some capacity if you possibly can. It is so easy to get used to the idea that work is something that sucks us in and spits us out exhausted every day. Working for yourself gives you infinitely more control over your time (and sleep!), and to my surprise multiplied my income many times over within a couple of years.

It's easy to be the one everyone relies on to get the job done. That's great if you're self-employed but leaves you open to exploitation in jobs, which can leave you little energy for much else.

I'm so glad you have the cats! I was going to suggest cats, but was scared it might sound too frivolous!