Tips for surviving a life I didn’t sign up for?

[Snorfig]

Thanks to my husband’s porn addiction (which I knew nothing of until a dawn police raid in 2024) I’m now a single parent to a highly anxious teen and autistic pre-teen, I have to supervise contact with their dad (I won’t let him live with us) and deal with All The Everything.
I work PT as a lawyer in a high pressure public sector field, I’m very good at my job and better able to cope with my job than I ever was when He lived at home, but my life is a dumpster fire.
I struggle to do the amount of exercise I need to stay in stable mental health (endurance sport) and my whole non-working time is consumed by my autistic daughter, with my eldest getting scraps of my attention.
I had to cancel my weekly cleaner as it isn’t affordable, and my friends are all busy with their lives so I don’t have a social life. Our friends we used to hang out with as families have dropped me, or I find it very difficult to be around them as I’m wary of men (significant PTSD from the shock and betrayal).
all I have is buying things off Vinted and doom scrolling. I am just holding on day by day till the youngest is over 18 and they can make their own arrangements to see their dad. I feel like I’m just existing, I hate my life and don’t recognise it.
Any suggestions for little pockets of happiness I can find that don’t cost too much would be much appreciated.
I already run, lift weights, journal and meditate. I’m in therapy (have been since life exploded).
I don’t get enough sleep (autistic child regressed massively due to trauma) and i struggle to prioritise myself at all.
I think a lot of not existing. That’s not an option obviously but I need to make daily life tolerable.

Those sound like lovely plans. Glad you managed to get so much out of the day too.

OP I hope you come back to this thread as I've come to it late, read everything you've posted and most of the responses, and have some book recommendations for you. I'm in a different situation to you but still pretty tough, burned out for other reasons. I was an avid reader for decades including as part of my degree but as I've got older I've stopped being 'able' to read - I listen to podcasts and the odd audiobook whilst walking/ running (for sanity) or cleaning/tidying, but I genuinely and very sadly can't manage proper reading these days.

However what we DO do, is read to DD for 20-30 minutes every evening - she has dyslexia and various other challenges so bedtime reading isn't for her even though she's 10, however we do read to her, alternating between me and husband (but all 3 of us there almost every night, so one of us reading and the other listening/ trying to stay awake!)

Our favourite books recently, which we entirely stumbled across, are Robin Stevens. I'd recommend them to any adult who is an avid reader but they are children's books so no sex scenes which is why I'm recommending them to you, OP. There are 2 series, and we stumbled upon the second first of all - The Ministry of Unladylike Activity - set in WW2 with 3 pre-teens as the protagonists. They are diverse and richly detailed portraits of life in WW2 from various perspectives I personally hadn't previously considered before. They are basically Agatha Christie for kids (with a bit of Mallory Towers/ Enid Blyton chucked in - but written from 2020 onwards so very modern in many ways whilst also being very historically accurate). They've been a genuine delight. I recommend starting properly with the first book in the first series (rather than as we did, starting with the second series) - Murder Most Unladylike.

As an added bonus for you, more than one of the characters is seen to be neurodivergent and I gather the author has recently-ish been diagnosed herself.

Also I'm here to tell you that whilst I'd prefer to have the time/ energy to gobble these up in a single sitting as I always used to joyously read, since we are reading them to my DD I can tell you they work absolutely fine in 2-4 chapter chunks!! though they always leave me wanting more.

Recommend, to you and others. And perhaps your kids might like too...?

Many years ago I lived through a very difficult time. I remember telling my husband I would never be happy again. Up to this point, I had lived what many people believed was an utterly charmed existence. I did experience happiness later. I was changed of course. I was not so certain of my life choices and my world view. I was a better more tolerant person. To be totally frank, I'd have preferred things hadn't gone off the rails and carried on being a less nice person and never had to go through that time of utter despair and grief. Anyway what I'm trying to say is that you can eventually be happy again even if it seems utterly unlikely and unimaginable at the present moment.

Thank you for the Ministry of Unladylike Activity recommendation - I actually downloaded the audiobook of that for my 10 year old (the autistic one) but she’s adamant she only wants audiobooks of things she’s already read. She’s currently reading - almost finished - the absolutely wonderful ‘Murderer’s Ape’ which I highly recommend - as she describes it ‘so much happened on every single page’ and it’s such an amazing story. I’m enjoying reading that to her when she’s too wired or dysregulated to read herself.

It’s no huge surprise that I haven’t bounced out of bed for my HIIT workout as planned. I’m trying to show myself some compassion and an having a quiet coffee whilst the eldest buzzes around getting herself ready.

I’ve decided to work around today’s major issue - that only got 6h sleep - and WFH so I can have a lunchtime nap. There’s no way around my current sleep situation (until I can afford the sleep coach who will magically cure all my daughter’s night time issues 😬) but I can do something concrete to address my shortfall. So today I’ll nap. And use the saved commuting time (it’s only 20 mins each way by bike) to do my strength HIIT session.

I’ll try and ‘bank’ and extra hour of chargeable work to maybe tip me towards a payrise - I’ve had no pay rise for 3 years as my mental health was so destroyed by my husband since 2022 that I’ve had 4+ weeks off with severe anxiety and depression EVERY SINGLE YEAR since. If only I’d known what was behind his awful gaslighting, distant but hyper-sexual behaviour.

Anyway. I’m currently at my target for the year, for the first time in forever. That would be such a boost to my self efficacy, to get some financial heft of my own.

I’ve added some Gym Kitchen meals to today’s grocery delivery as I’m always quite impressed by the quantity of clearly fresh-when-frozen veg in the curries.

just chuckling at my daft cats, who are sisters and squabble just like my daughters. It’s love and infuriation mixed together.

They have a fantastic mum totally shit Dad. I dont have any really useful advice sometimes life is just shit. Do your DDs have to see their father. Court ordered? I can only say it will get better I hate this time of year, cant wait for spring. When I was in a very bad place I used to grow things herbs, bulbs etc. I found it so soothing. Good luck and there will be light again.

@Snorfig Do you mind if I send you a PM?

Go ahead x

I had another thought - my ND dd had a really difficult time in the spring, age 10, because of the impending SATs… not sure how her school is approaching the issue (or whether they are putting pressure on), but this may be a significant stressor for her in the background - and even she might not realise that this is causing her lots of anxiety. The week before the SATs was absolutely dreadful, I honestly thought we were heading for some sort of MH crisis. So things might ease a lot for her after the SATs. (Here I am assuming you are in England (not sure about Wales / Scotland?))…

I’ve had a busy day but managed to do my hours, plus a bit extra just now, AND spent some proper ‘quality time’ (a phrase I irrationally hate) with each of my wonderful daughters. I had a nap at lunchtime, which was a good move as I’m not currently feeling absolutely fraught with bedtime-anxiety!
Going to take my hot chocolate to the doorstep now.
peace and love to all x

You are doing absolutely brilliantly.

Aim for something small every day rather than a complete reboot and then running out steam.

If you miss a day, just brush yourself off and start again tomorrow.

I would also recommend a ‘bloody well done diary’ - keep it next to your bed and write 3 things every night that you’ve done well that day.

can be teeny weeny things or bigger things. It will help you gain evidence that you’re doing better than you think!

I posted earlier but the thing I did not say was be kind to yourself. Things like your hot chocolate on the doorstep are helpful in that direction.
The other thing I wanted to say is that cannot be two parents, just because one has gone. I am not sure if you said how much you still see friends and what family support you have. Shame is a powerful emotion which might cause you to withdraw from outside connections, I know I didn’t join any of the school mum things when my youngest was little because I felt like I didn’t fit in and I didn’t want to explain. You don’t need to explain to people or feel like you have done anything wrong, you are the one holding it together. So whatever connections and support you have in real life, draw on them.

I did have a wonderful woman who came to the house two afternoons after school a week to watch the DC, do homework with them, keep me on track with what forms needed filled in and so on. Sometimes she took them swimming. I obviously paid her but it also focused me on making sure my housework was done for when she came, and gave me a bit of routine I did not have to put in place and could concentrate on my own work (my youngest is on the autistic spectrum and could not cope with formal childcare at all). Her own grandchildren came along just as the pandemic hit and after that, she was busy with them and my DC were a bit older. So obviously this cost money and that is something which is always in short supply but she was worth every penny and more. She was a godsend.

Daffodil you’re spot on that shame has made me withdraw because explaining things - both what he’s done and how I’m choosing to deal with it - are painful and exhausting. Everyone has an opinion, and things may seem black and white to others whereas to me they’re so many shades of near-black and off-white.
My priority is and always has been the girls, but I have a tendency to forget ‘my own oxygen mask’ when prioritising them.

Good morning @Snorfig
You've had some good advice which I really hope can slowly make a difference.
I really just wanted to reach out in solidarity to you. My DH died last year in circumstances that (fairly publicly!) revealed a dark underbelly to his life. I’ve since uncovered more stuff. I felt like I was being continually kicked in the head. Like you I have an autistic (not quite teen) daughter. Life feels relentless and small. I’m constantly juggling stuff with pretty much every moment taken up. I don’t think I have PSTD but I’ve compartmentalised much of what has happened into an unopenable box and I find it extremely difficult to concentrate on things. I wish I could read but my brain just goes blank when I open a book.

The things that have helped me…
I’ve treated my self to a very nice duvet and new pillows as well as some posh linen bedding. I too often share my bed with my dd, so my bed doesn’t totally feel like my own space- but it does feel like a lovely lux hug and even getting in it for 30 mins in the early evening with my laptop to deal with tasks can feel peaceful.
When the weather gets nicer I’m going to spruce up a little comfy chill out spot in my garden where I can hopefully work towards having a morning coffee. At the moment my mornings are often too hectic even if the weather were nicer, but hopefully I can work on that.

Anyway I wish you well. Reach out if you want.

LemonMonster I’m so very sorry.
There are so many similarities in our situations, it feels as though your future AND your past have been taken away from you. I feel very paranoid about everything, and struggle to trust. I even became convinced (in the early days) that I must also be doing something unspeakable and illegal without knowing - because how could I have missed it in him? Fortunately that’s passed but I don’t really feel able to unclench at all in life.
sending you so much love and empathy xx

@Snorfig Yes I feel there are more similarities in our situations than I have found with any of the widows I have connected with.

I get the paranoia. I had no idea who else locally (if anyone) was in his world. Strangers know gossip and rumours about me. People are judging and making assumptions. We live in a fairly well to do area and my story doesnt really ‘fit’. I’ve also struggled hugely with what my role in his downfall actually was. Like you I’m not as consumed by this as I was at the start - but it’s still there.

We have good moments and bad moments. I’m getting better at not falling apart every time dd does - but seeing her trauma is by far the worst and hardest part of it all.

Ive read all your posts and it does sound like you’re doing a really good job. You’ve been dealt such a shit hand. Sometimes I find it helpful to compare where I am now to where we were in the early days this time last year. I forgot how far I’ve come already. You’ll have made huge huge steps too and it’s definitely useful to remember that sometimes (although I get that it is traumatic to revisit the early days too). Life will continue to get better. It’s just not always noticeable at the time.

lots of love to you and your girls.

Lemon I’ve sent you a message x

It's his shame not yours. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone, the life you are living now is completely different to the one you had, and it really sounds like you are doing a great job.
Your kids are so lucky to have you. I posted previously that I look back and remember a happy childhood, even though my mum was going through hell at the time.
Kids are very resilient, and one loving parent will see them through. x

A better day today with a run, strength session, I powered through work and spent some lovely time chatting to my eldest. Youngest is extremely dysregulated today and we’re only just doing teeth… so I’m very tired. But overall much more steady.

This is amazing @Snorfig I am full of admiration for you, what you're coping with and how you're pushing yourself to feel better.
it's hard but the small wins can really help and feel massive.
xx