Tips for surviving a life I didn’t sign up for?

[Snorfig]

Thanks to my husband’s porn addiction (which I knew nothing of until a dawn police raid in 2024) I’m now a single parent to a highly anxious teen and autistic pre-teen, I have to supervise contact with their dad (I won’t let him live with us) and deal with All The Everything.
I work PT as a lawyer in a high pressure public sector field, I’m very good at my job and better able to cope with my job than I ever was when He lived at home, but my life is a dumpster fire.
I struggle to do the amount of exercise I need to stay in stable mental health (endurance sport) and my whole non-working time is consumed by my autistic daughter, with my eldest getting scraps of my attention.
I had to cancel my weekly cleaner as it isn’t affordable, and my friends are all busy with their lives so I don’t have a social life. Our friends we used to hang out with as families have dropped me, or I find it very difficult to be around them as I’m wary of men (significant PTSD from the shock and betrayal).
all I have is buying things off Vinted and doom scrolling. I am just holding on day by day till the youngest is over 18 and they can make their own arrangements to see their dad. I feel like I’m just existing, I hate my life and don’t recognise it.
Any suggestions for little pockets of happiness I can find that don’t cost too much would be much appreciated.
I already run, lift weights, journal and meditate. I’m in therapy (have been since life exploded).
I don’t get enough sleep (autistic child regressed massively due to trauma) and i struggle to prioritise myself at all.
I think a lot of not existing. That’s not an option obviously but I need to make daily life tolerable.

I agree with this. Go back to basics and build from there.

I honestly came on to say well done for surviveing and being their for your self and your children it's an achievement you get up and you do all you do especially exercise. I remember being a single parent I was dirt poor and so lonely, I came to say I completely hear your experience and what you have to say .
I also agree with you many men are shits, but some are fabulous and with time all will be well and you'll find your balance and peace. I joined CrossFit for the community and it really helped.

Support group for lone parents or parents of kids with autism/sen? Sometimes when life is shit you need to talk to others in the same boat and then you feel not so alone with it and at least someone understands

Also a single parent mum of SEN kid. Look at Pause - menopause training by Sixpack Revolution or anything of their other programs

I’m so sorry that you’ve been through what you have. It sounds like you’ve coped magnificently even if it doesn’t feel like it. Other posters have given such great advice that I couldn’t but I can suggest a couple of books that might fit the bill.

I agree with a previous poster, books like Little Women or Anne of Green Gables are lovely, easy reads, although very much of their time!
The Kate Atkinson, Jackson Brodie series are great reads too - private investigator crime fiction, well written and with a gentle humour.
I also loved The Princess Bride - it does have a romantic theme, along with many other themes, but it’s so gloriously written and not soppy in the least bit.
The Snow Child is melancholic in parts to begin with but it’s also beautiful and uplifting too - another great read.

You sound like someone I’d love to have as a friend, OP.

Do you like historical fiction? I love the Shardlake series by CJ Sansom - literary-ish and a brilliant recreation of Elizabethan London. I don’t remember any sex in any of them (someone please correct me if I’m wrong!) Alternatively, I found the Cadfael books by Ellis Peters calming and escapist.

or how about the Mapp and Lucia books?

I’ve recently been having a very difficult time with my own mental health. I’ve been watching a series called Superstore on Netflix which has cheered me up no end - it’s silly and far-fetched but it’s basically about people finding meaning in dull and difficult lives. Consensual sex is discussed but there are no sex scenes.

Wishing you and your girls (and cats!) all the very best 💐

I want to recommend Clemency Burton-Hill's Year of Wonder to you. For each day of the year she introduces a different piece of (mostly classical) music, which you can find easily on YouTube. Most are short - 2 to maybe 20 minutes - so you'd easily find time during a short break from work or something. When I was going through a terrible, very stressful time, I worked my way through the book and whenever I heard something I liked I'd look out more by that composer, either online or buying secondhand CDs. Even if I didn't like that day's music I felt I was learning something for only a small time investment. Music can be totally transformative. I keep a CD player on my bedside table now and listen to something beautiful before bed each night. It's brought my blood pressure down 30 points.

The Pern saga. When the dragons and riders bond. As I said, not explicit but could be triggering in the OP's circs.

And Damia (McCaffrey’s Tower series), which is partly about a much older man waiting for a child to grow up and their subsequent relationship. I read it as romantic as a teen, now not so much…

Haven't read the whole thread. Like you I'm sole carer, in my case to 2 elderly parents and an adult child with significant MH difficulties.

What has made a difference for me: grounding sheet for much better quality sleep (I know its woo, but it works for me); plus calm app and a snoozeband, so I get really calm in bed fast and go straight to deep sleep. Better quality sleep means I can cope better with the rest. I feel my life has got very small, but this does mean I can keep going. Good luck op.

Life getting small - that’s exactly it. I feel like I’m the one serving the sentence as I’ve lost all my freedoms. I got both my daughters snoozebands for Christmas and neither has touched them - I’ll reclaim one for me and try to persuade the youngest to use hers.

If your oldest is old enough to text and has enough cognitive ability they can already text dad for arrangements.
Most child arrangements orders end at 16 not 18 so you do not need to wait for 18.

You do not have to supervise contact use a third party

The first one has some unfortunate behaviour in it - a dirty monk.

TV recommendations - anything by Mackenzie Crook.
Small Prophets is gentle magic realism and The Detectorists is possibly the calmest and kindest TV show ever.

Also, Schitt’s Creek and Fisk. They soothe and amuse me.

Portrait Artist of the Year and Landscape Artist of the Year are very soothing, as is Mortimer and Whitehouse Gone Fishing.

yes. I thought the same about the Twilight series. Could not get why it was thought suitable for tweens. but I digress.....sorry OP. PS you might like to try Elizabeth Goudge, the Eliot series and the Three Cities of Bells. Not sure if you are into crime but a favourite of mine is Dorothy Sayers' Peter Wimsey books.

PS other thoughts. What worked for me with PTSD, EMDR therapy. Life changing and pretty quick, but very deep working. You can read a book about it, Getting Past your Past, Francine Shapiro to see what you think.
Also Julia Cameron's The Artists Way. Great book to journal with exercises to write on, and download where you're at. Made a big difference for me at a very bleak time, and helped me see themes and move on.
Bullet journalling now, to help me spot small things I am grateful for, and to read back and see distance travelled.
Nice flowers. Gardening. Cups of tea on garden bench first thing. Your children are so lucky to have you. You are making a massive difference.

This is a lovely book about how important the arts are for our health and happiness. She includes reading in this too.

Art Cure: The Science of How the Arts Transform Our Health

https://www.waterstones.com/book/art-cure/daisy-fancourt/9781529935530

Well, I lifted some weights (deadlifts) and managed a tiny run on the treadmill, but helped my eldest practise her drama monologue and watched / helped the youngest through an Xbox game she’s always wanted to play (I was on hand with walkthrough articles but she did so much without needing help!). I treated the 3 of us to pub lunch so we left the house. I was dissociating through much of it but I just took my hot chocolate to the front doorstep for 5 minutes and, would you believe it, it felt transcendental. Peace, darkness, slightly ethereal. Better than the back garden because it felt connecting rather than isolating. Thank you for the clever mnetter who suggested that xx

It may sound a little pathetic, but would you consider keeping a gratitude journal?

Just write one thing each day that you are grateful for, can be so very simple.

Things such as, ' i was able to enjoy a hot cuppa', or ' have seen the first signs of spring'.

I have recently started doing this and it's a lovely way to focus on the good little parts in life , rather than the big horrid areas.

At the end of each day, give yourself a pat on the back. You've made it through!!

I remember a Health Visitor saying to a group of us that we didn't need to be the best mum, we just needed to be good enough.

God Bless xx

Honestly, this thread shows how amazing MN can be.

I find that sunshine really helps. Walk in the park or woods, or just sitting on the bench. Yoga. Knitting.

Could you find a different sport that would do you good but would cost you less money or time? Rollerblading?

I’m so grateful and touched and feel so much less lonely than I did this morning. Thank you all xx
I’ve written out what I hope to do tomorrow, around the ‘scaffold’ of childcare and work. Morning coffee on doorstep. HIIT weights before I wake youngest. I have a babysitter booked for 6pm but no plans and no one is free to hang out - I think I’ll cycle down to the river and have some twilight peace solitude.
I can actually imagine waking up in the morning, and it isn’t that bad >D

This is such a wonderful update to see OP - so happy to see you sounding more positive.

Lunch at the pub and each of the three of you getting some quality, quiet time sounds brilliant.

Small, manageable steps forward might be the best way ❤️

One thing I realised after my divorce is meeting a friend for a coffee (even when I didn’t feel like it/had too much else to do), was very recharging. Especially laughing with someone. So maybe pause your things to do list every now and again and connect with friends/family.

Something you may find helpful is Brenee Brown on YouTube and Netflix, talking about self compassion. The importance of kindness towards yourself and how to begin that.

Another lovely book is Wintering - the power of rest and retreat in difficult times by Katherine May. It gives you permission to hunker down and not be ok, by showing other people doing that (rather than the highlight reel we see on social media), yet it's not depressing but beautiful and uplifting.