Tips for surviving a life I didn’t sign up for?

[Snorfig]

Thanks to my husband’s porn addiction (which I knew nothing of until a dawn police raid in 2024) I’m now a single parent to a highly anxious teen and autistic pre-teen, I have to supervise contact with their dad (I won’t let him live with us) and deal with All The Everything.
I work PT as a lawyer in a high pressure public sector field, I’m very good at my job and better able to cope with my job than I ever was when He lived at home, but my life is a dumpster fire.
I struggle to do the amount of exercise I need to stay in stable mental health (endurance sport) and my whole non-working time is consumed by my autistic daughter, with my eldest getting scraps of my attention.
I had to cancel my weekly cleaner as it isn’t affordable, and my friends are all busy with their lives so I don’t have a social life. Our friends we used to hang out with as families have dropped me, or I find it very difficult to be around them as I’m wary of men (significant PTSD from the shock and betrayal).
all I have is buying things off Vinted and doom scrolling. I am just holding on day by day till the youngest is over 18 and they can make their own arrangements to see their dad. I feel like I’m just existing, I hate my life and don’t recognise it.
Any suggestions for little pockets of happiness I can find that don’t cost too much would be much appreciated.
I already run, lift weights, journal and meditate. I’m in therapy (have been since life exploded).
I don’t get enough sleep (autistic child regressed massively due to trauma) and i struggle to prioritise myself at all.
I think a lot of not existing. That’s not an option obviously but I need to make daily life tolerable.

I have started having a mug of hot chocolate on my front door step every night.

it’s doing wonders for my nervous system. Just being outside in the quiet and fresh air, NO PHONES ALLOWED completes energises me.

I go out in the rain, snow or sun - we have a tiny porch which half protects me.

I leave the door open so the kids can get me if needed but it’s completely soul restoring.

I also eat my breakfast on my doorstep for all the same reasons.

if that’s impossible, a cup of tea sitting looking out of the window would have a similar effect.

Would you enjoy a zoocam while relaxing? They broadcast from all over the world. Your DC might enjoy them with you. There are also nesting cams from various wildlife sites all over UK.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5491441-anyone-want-to-watch-some-storks-on-their-nest-wildlife-camera?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

hope this works

Maybe project yourself a few years ahead and think about what you are building now- nurturing two future adults, being a parent. Also, through your work, setting them an example. Contributing to a state pension and also I hope an occupational pension. For books, I have been finding refuge from the beastliness of the modern world in pre 1960s literature. Anything from the Persephone Press is good. Sex in there ( if indeed there is any) is just alluded to, certainly not described. You could visit the “ rather dated” board in mumsnet’s book section.

Oh, just another suggestion. Doom scrolling is what we tend to do when we have spare time but nothing structured to fill it. Since you mention enjoying sports, do you have a fitness tracker? I recently got a Garmin Vivoactive 5, which I like because it's not just linked to an app but has an entire online dashboard where you can obsessively peruse endless data on your latest activities. There are also various coaching plans to follow (I'm doing the 10K running one). You can also feed the stats into AI for more detailed feedback, which is how I learned that my running is improving in all kinds of subtle ways such as cadence and stride length. It's a very absorbing hobby!

If you have 30 minutes to spare for a quick yoga flow that is not too demanding but reaches all the parts that other movement doesn't reach, try this - I often return to it as a basic reset:
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There's so much free content on YouTube, such as Move with Nicole for Pilates or Juice & Toya for weights. And so many 30-day programmes to choose from if you feel like it/can spare the time. Just ticking one off per day is very pleasing.

I'd also recommend James Clear's Atomic Habits.

Or maybe listen to audiobooks? Laying in a warm bed listening to Stephen Fry read Evelyn Waugh or Oscar Wilde or P. G. Wodehouse is my idea of heaven. The classics really can heal you. Dickens, Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf, etc, work on you at a subconscious level. I feel different when I have immersed myself in a great novel.

Just keep going OP. For what it’s worth, most people’s lives are pretty crappy. Being so saturated in American culture, we have absorbed their belief in happiness. I mean their belief (delusion?) that we’re meant to be happy, and that if we’re not there is something wrong with us. Much better to accept that life is mostly shit but that there are good bits here and there. x

Could you have a female student who does a bit of cleaning and babysitting for accommodation. Now he's gone, can you move rooms for a new start and to free space for one?

It actually sounds like you do quite a lot ‘for yourself’ as it were. Journaling, meditating, weightlifting and the other sound more than many fit in even without the difficulties you’ve been having. It sounds more like you’ve got ptsd and therefore you’re being triggered a lot by small things and are finding that is exhausting you. You’re probably attaching ‘images’ to his actions to try and figure it out. Not being able to read about sex, for example. You didn’t know what he was doing and therefore your brain is just latching on to ‘sex’ as an image to fill that blank in with. This needs unpicking and working through. You’re grieving. It’s like when people lose someone in an accident and picture what they must’ve felt like/looked like/what the accident looked like - even when they didn’t actually witness it.

also, (I don’t know if this is relevant but just in case it is.) you said your daughter regressed and isn’t getting sleep etc. If you’re able to perhaps just go with her needs, rather than trying to feel you have to get her sleeping in her own bed or whatever. Sometimes society makes us feel like a kid at XYZ age must do this thing or must behave that way.

You have had a terrible shock. It is so hard to process everything you believed in was a lie, especially with children at a vulnerable stage. You were absolutely blindsided. The only advice is to keep going. One day this will all be far in the past. You are doing what you can for your own sanity. As for carving out small pleasures, reading books fact/ fiction has given me escapism when I have had my life turned upside down. What makes/ made you laugh? I know it may sound trite in these circumstances but reels of 'Black adder' ( may be not the end of the last one!) . Satirical feminist humour gives me some feeling that Im not the first and won't be the last women to be fucked over like this.

Your girls already have the best - you!
You sound amazing,coping with all that you have.
Sending you massive hugs.

Find novels published in the 1960s or earlier. Some in the 1970s are okay too.
Avoid modern books or new publications unless they are non-fiction.

What about young adult books? There might be romance but minimial if any sex

I definitely have PTSD. And don’t feel I can trust sexuality as safe, with all I now know about what goes on online. I had no idea someone I had known for 24 years could be getting tangled up in such appalling stuff from the comfort of a smartphone.
The girls are in therapy too, and I think we do have some nice times, but I’m constantly triggered by daily life. Youngest (autistic) sleeps in with me and has a hardwired fear of waking up to a parent being arrested / missing from her life.
I need to look at HRT and melatonin, and lower my standards for myself!

Existing - yip there are times in your life when that happens and it can go on for a few years and that’s just how things are sometimes. Life is tough sometimes.

you seem to have things - like your exercise - that should be”pockets of happiness “ but you are not seeing them that way ? Do you need to take a deep breath and say to yourself “this is for me” before starting exercise or reading a page of a book ?

and anytime you put a meal on the table or get the kids to school, stop and say “I am a good parent aren’t I “

reflect on all you do right and give yourself and the family time to heal.

Join the library and borrow audio books for free🙂 If you filter by YA books there’s some lovely ones with no sex in!
Micro interactions do a wonder for you too - if you go to the shops just compliment a piece of clothing or chat to the cashier for a bit longer than strictly necessary.

I see that, but it’s not her shame to bear, she has no blame in this, and it’s so so sad that she’s been trapped by this situation

it’ll pass in time, I’m sure. My heart goes out to @Snorfig

@Snorfig you are loving your dc, supporting them and helping them, you must also make the time to do this for yourself too. You will heal, you absolutely will.

@Snorfig Can you give your autistic dc some concrete ‘facts’ that may help her to relax about you having the potential of being arrested? Could you talk to her about your role, and how you are not allowed to do your job if there is anything at all ‘criminal’ about you? Could you show her your registration documents (for whatever governing body you might be in), as a way of giving her some solid ‘proof’ that she is not going to lose you to being arrested. I know it is something like a ‘Dumbo’s feather’, but her autistic brain might find it difficult to accept reassurances, and might want something ‘concrete’ and ‘factual’ as proof. Obviously this wouldn’t work if your dh was also a lawyer (as it didn’t stop him being arrested).. It might not help, but I’ve found with my ND teens that sometimes being able to touch / see something (like professional registration with all that that means) is more powerful to them than just being told something..

Raising Hare is a gentle book.

If I have understood correctly you supervise their father in your home. Is this a condition you have to meet or could you make most times somewhere neutral so you are not uncomfortable in your home?

This is a lot, and recognising how and why and what you're struggling with is honestly massive, and you sound like you're doing an incredible job for your kids! I haven't read all the replies, but I can see melatonin is mentioned - this was an absolutely LIFESAVER for our family when my youngest (autistic) just stopped sleeping during covid and never really recovered. She still takes it and it just means she gets enough sleep and I get like an hour of evening.

My eldest (also autistic) has really struggled with extreme anxiety for various reasons and is now on sertraline herself which has made a huuuuuuuge difference to her coping with life, in only a short time. It has meant she can more easily engage with therapy too.

Your situation sounds remarkably like mine. I'm now a single mum to 3 (10,12 and 14) for what sounds like a very similar situation.
What helps me is dedicated R&R time. Yes the house looks like a shit tip sometimes but that can wait until I've got the bandwidth to deal with it.
I make sure I take decent holiday and me and the DC go away and recoup and have a nice time. I'm not talking abroad or expensive just a few nights Airbnb or a caravan park etc.
I do read a lot and I do read smut and romance it's my escapism. I came to terms that the exH was at fault and it wasn't me he was just sick. The DC have been incredibly resilient despite understanding what he did. They have had therapy though.
I'm not going to lie though there have been times when I've cried and thought I can't do this and it's not fair and I just want out but I put my big girl pants on and paint a face of make up and pretend to the world I'm ok. Then eat a dirty takeaway and watch horrible reality TV!
It's tough but you can do it and just by posting it shows you are a good mum and your DDs and you will be fine.
Sending huge hugs of support and solidarity

What kind of books/music/tv do you like? I'm sure we can come up with lots of recommendations!

I love ‘victimless’ true-crime-adjacent tv like the Fyre Fest documentaries, where it’s rich idiots making arses of themselves. I’m rewatching Arrested Development as it’s just perfect, and 20 mins gives me a serotonin boost. My music taste is basically ‘sad hick’ music like Wilco, Lamchop etc. Book-wise, I adored Vernon God Little, Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Prayer For Owen Meany etc. Sort of ecstatically soaring melancholy…

This thread and your kind replies have been a huge boost for me today. I can’t thank you enough. I think it’s forced me to take stock of the tools I do have at my disposal, and accept / be grateful that I’m not alone in my pain. Misery loves company eh?
In my head I’ve already gone FT and have spent the extra £££ on meal delivery, weekends away, a cleaner and possibly a sleep consultant. I don’t think it’ll go that far :D
My therapist says I need to find a plateau, where I can consistently ‘cope’, rather than striving for constant joy. And sleep is at the heart of good mental health, certainly for me.
sending love to all xx

Haven’t read the full thread except your posts but wanted to suggest nature writing such as James Rebanks, John Lewis-Stemple, Melissa Harrison, Kate Bradbury, Robert MacFarlane, Roger Deakin etc. Wonderful escapism.

All power to you, you’re doing a fantastic job in extremely difficult circumstances.

In my head I’ve already gone FT and have spent the extra £££ on meal delivery, weekends away, a cleaner and possibly a sleep consultant. I don’t think it’ll go that far

but that’s fine because you need those things now whilst you’re PT not just because you’d be moving to FT.

the sleep consultant which is probably the most expensive is also likely to be the most temporary and therefore not something that needs to be taken incorporated into your budget long term. Weekends away always bring joy 😊