Tips for surviving a life I didn’t sign up for?

[Snorfig]

Thanks to my husband’s porn addiction (which I knew nothing of until a dawn police raid in 2024) I’m now a single parent to a highly anxious teen and autistic pre-teen, I have to supervise contact with their dad (I won’t let him live with us) and deal with All The Everything.
I work PT as a lawyer in a high pressure public sector field, I’m very good at my job and better able to cope with my job than I ever was when He lived at home, but my life is a dumpster fire.
I struggle to do the amount of exercise I need to stay in stable mental health (endurance sport) and my whole non-working time is consumed by my autistic daughter, with my eldest getting scraps of my attention.
I had to cancel my weekly cleaner as it isn’t affordable, and my friends are all busy with their lives so I don’t have a social life. Our friends we used to hang out with as families have dropped me, or I find it very difficult to be around them as I’m wary of men (significant PTSD from the shock and betrayal).
all I have is buying things off Vinted and doom scrolling. I am just holding on day by day till the youngest is over 18 and they can make their own arrangements to see their dad. I feel like I’m just existing, I hate my life and don’t recognise it.
Any suggestions for little pockets of happiness I can find that don’t cost too much would be much appreciated.
I already run, lift weights, journal and meditate. I’m in therapy (have been since life exploded).
I don’t get enough sleep (autistic child regressed massively due to trauma) and i struggle to prioritise myself at all.
I think a lot of not existing. That’s not an option obviously but I need to make daily life tolerable.

I have a young adult autistic son who will never live independently. He is lovely but obviously life can still be stressful and worrying. Learning to paint in watercolours has helped me enormously. I think that art in all its forms can be incredibly therapeutic. There are friendly and helpful groups online and in real life. If a local class isn’t possible then there are so many books you can start with. The great thing about watercolours is that they are inexpensive!

Very very different circumstances, but what I found helpful when rebuilding my life:-
I add to the people suggesting childhood literature (I understand about how books can trigger)
I took up crochet to try to reduce the doom scrolling it seems to quiet my brain a bit
Singing in my local choir

you are doing better than you think.

I have two beautiful crazy cats who joined us as kittens a month after the nightmare started. They are honestly medicinal. They’re wonderful little loons. The girls really benefit too.

I just wanted to say that you sound brilliant OP. I hope that's okay to say.

One of my closest friends had almost the exact same thing happen to her about 4 years ago (ND kids too)

I think she's been in survival mode for a long time but things we do to try and bring some glimmers of joy are just going round for a takeaway and doing a craft together at hers, painting nails or face masks. Something very small and simple as adult company was draining even though she craved it.

She's started reading, but found her attention span was really affected by it all. Audio books helped. Comfort telly like period dramas, Agatha Christie's, Modern Family, The Middle, Brooklyn 99 etc.

Much love and strength to you and your girls x

Somewhere on here there is a thread about “cosy” books. I recommend those!

No advice @Snorfig but I think you sound like a smart, brave and strong woman, and your daughters are lucky to have you. Would horse riding be an option for all three of you? Its an excellent therapeutic tool, particularly for children with SEN/anxiety

Just sending a hug and 🌸

OP your most recent post sounds so much more positive. How wonderful for you to have cats, they are lovely. I am glad you are getting medical help from pills, and cats!

You are doing brilliantly.

Do you have a garage? If so, could you convert part of it to your own ‘space’ - either with your weights in or a comfy chair - somewhere to escape to? If the weights are in there it gives you the impression of being in a gym and away from everything while still being within contact of the children.

Not sure what genre of books you like but the Cadfael ones are great (no sex) and also. Elizabeth Chapman’s historic series on Eleanor of Aquitaine and the one based on William Marshall. I think there are a couple of bedtime scenes but no explicit sexual references.

Sending a big hug.

Doom scrolling won't help ( she says while on MN). Set a timer on your phone for things like FB, insta. Go on MN news etc with a timer set ( 15 minutes while you drink tea).

Try something new like chrochet- you can learn on YouTube. Find a SEN support group which really helps me. Luckily I also made friends via sons SEN schools so there is "normality" within SeN parenting there. A safe space. Walking and being in nature also helps.

If you still in the same house as the dawn raid, change whatever you can to make it a different space even it's just paint, curtains, throws etc. You could buy them on Vinted

Have you read Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys? Held by Anne Michaels is good too (both sex-free literary fiction). Or The Life Impossible by Matt Haig (less literary, but readable). Or Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Alblom

I’m sitting here wondering the same thing.
I can’t quite believe my current life situation.

housing uncertain (no supply stuck renting)
work uncertain
crippling cost of living (digging into our savings which is also our diminishing house deposit)
rural setting to move half closer to home and I hate it.
Dangerous neighbour who we can’t escape and trying so hard.
DH started new job in new area and is miserable.
my kids are happy, it’s our one consolation.
but I am miserable.

tips welcome.

Ok, just stop!

Your girls are LUCKY to have you for their Mum. You obviously care about them very much.WRT to contact, YOU need to decide what contact benefits them & what doesn't. It's what is good for them, not what they want.

you're going to need to stop being so proud/independent and ASK for help. Ask friends if they will supervise visits to get a few hours for yourself.

can you up your hours by doing any from home? Generally upping your hours (however) & getting your/a new cleaner will really help.

Books that don't trigger can be really hard to find. But hopefully the reading threads can help you.

Would it interest you to knit or crochet? It is quite mind soothing & a feeling of having done something productive. Making simple squares for 'woolly hugs' who make a lot of charity blankets, is rewarding as well as things fur you & the girls.

This must have knocked you for six and it's still early days, but it sounds as if you are already putting your life back together in the face of challenges many of us can only imagine. Are you familiar with the support 'Talking Forward' offer to those struggling with the after effects of family members' online sexual offenses? https://www.talkingforward.co.uk/
Some of the support is online if you aren't in the north.

Do you want to tell us more about who you are - interests, previous hobbies, what you'd like to do if you weren't holding everything up yourself? It's easy to lose sight of this and others might have ideas about how to fit some of this in.

As you use the word “dumpster” I wonder if you’re in the USA.
In addition to the ideas suggested by PPs, and if you’re in the UK, could you use the healing power of nature and spent time outdoors to benefit all of you? I’d suggest guided tours but they tend to be run by men. Alternatively use books to identify wild flowers, tree buds, butterflies, damselflies, fungi etc. It’s really good for MH and would to some extent take the focus off your problems.
You’re in a difficult situation but doing far better than it might seem to you. x

I would recommend cosy crime mysteries to read, and if you feel up to it, make a date to meet a friend at least once a week for a walk, a coffee and a chat.

Make the internet work for you, not the other way round. Be selective in what you follow.
As you are p/t, you may be able to find a local carer’s support group. It’s not just about caring for the elderly. Some people care for multi-generations. You may meet other parents with children who have autism. It may provide emotional and practical help.

You sound like an amazing woman and mother, OP, and I'm sorry life is so hard for you at the moment. I wonder, can you afford for the next month or so to try out one of those healthy meal subscription services like Gusto, to give yourself a break/treat? Sometimes they have special joiner offers. Just taking one of the chores out of the equation might help.

I also echo PP's suggestion to read children's literature. I'd re-read the Harry Potter series again and lose myself in that for the escapism.

OP, you may completely dismiss my comment/find it silly - but I felt similarly overwhelmed recently and got into mininalism. A slowly decluttered my whole house - threw out and sold everything I wasn't using. Then I stopped buying things. Whenever I want to buy something that isn't food shopping or absolutely essential like soap/a refill of something I use every day etc, I write it down on a list and then revisit the list the next month when I get paid. I never want to buy the stuff a month later, and I've saved a huge amount.

I mention this because perhaps getting into mininalism could help you feel calmer (it did me), less overwhelmed, and also help you put more money aside for things that would genuinely make you feel better, ie scheduling a regular cleaner or more childcare to give you time off.

Just curious, why not healthy ready meals for all of you, not just you?
It does sound as if you have a fair bit of you time. Yes, I know this isn't what you signed up for, but it sounds like you're doing your best.
I was a single parent, SEN child, no back up, no respite. Unable to work because of being called to the school every day, because they had no clue what to do with her, so next to no spare money either. New to area, so no friends, apart from miles away. Like someone else said, we simply went everywhere together. Camping, free museums etc etc.
No, it definitely wasn't what I envisaged my life to be, but hey ho. I made the best I could of it. I'm 66 now, and yes, feel as if I've missed a bit - loving partner, better places to live etc etc, but the upshot is, I've got a beautiful daughter, and now a granddaughter who I love dearly (even though DGD is showing signs of being SEN too) I'm also recovering from cancer.
I'm sorry, but compared to some your life isn't all that bad. Count your blessings, and stop resenting your life. It'll feel a lot better.
You say about your 'one day' off? Yet you work PT? That doesn't make sense.
Sorry if I sound harsh

On the book front, if you have 10 mins to read in the morning, I recommend 'Seed to Dust'. He does talk about a few issues in his life, but it's mostly observations about gardening. Same goes for a lot of nature writing generally.

I'd also recommend that you look into Japanese and Korean literature that's popular right now - I can't rule out sexual content, but a lot of them seem very quaint, often about women working in or opening their own bookshops, cafes and potteries. Some of them are more surreal and have talking cats and the like which prescribe various remedies to humans! A lot of historical and fantasy novels do have sexual content, often with lack of consent if there's a female main character, so I'd stay away for those for the time being.

If you are working out and are finding it difficult to keep in shape, I wonder if there's an issue with your thyroid (that could well be stress caused) or that you starting to experience a decrease in testosterone (which may not show as officially 'abnormal' on your blood test).

My life's been a dumpster fire as well in some ways, but it sounds like you've had a really tougher time generally, so my sympathises. I wish I had enough money to open a free retreat so that women like you could have a little break (and childcare). If you ever get a full weekend to go somewhere, I can recommend you a place in Wales. It's basic but clean and the place is run as a small retreat centre, so you get people going there to do yoga workshops.

OP would it be an idea to change your hours to FT? You say you are good at your job so this could improve your sense of wellbeing, confidence and mental stimulation while providing you with enough money for childcare, a cleaner etc. Also I find when I am busy at work I have less time to worry about random stuff, which is good for my wellbeing. Not sure if it is manageable in your situation (or the extent that your autistic DC needs practical support), but you also need to look at what you need to do for your own wellbeing- it not a good idea to put the DC first in everything if they end up with a desperately unhappy mother.

This is your only life.
Influence more hours of your own time.
You are well rid of the porn addict; feel positive about that.
You deserve to live your best life.
Have a serious pep talk to yourself to see the bright side of situations - smile more.

Allow yourself very limited time scrolling ... it is a negative addiction and your girls do not need to have another addicted parent.
Teach the kids to clean their own rooms and the bathroom.
Work more hours and enjoy your work place.

Each of you work out an out door, one hour exercise program. Join in together to complete them every second day.
Try to enjoy the things you can't change.
Cook a couple of exciting meals.
Watch reruns of Absolutely Fabulous and comedy films.
Ride your bike more.

Read, learn crafts, painting and help a local sustainable habitat or conservation charity.

Wow. Yes you do sound harsh and this isn't what the OP needs.

Hey. I'm so sorry to read this, and I can see loads of other great suggestions. I just wanted to add that I get immense joy from gardening. Cliched as it is, just spending a little time outside growing thing brings me quiet joy and has gotten me through some tough times. It can be as simple or as complicated as you want it to be.

Wishing you some much-needed peace.