Tips for surviving a life I didn’t sign up for?

[Snorfig]

Thanks to my husband’s porn addiction (which I knew nothing of until a dawn police raid in 2024) I’m now a single parent to a highly anxious teen and autistic pre-teen, I have to supervise contact with their dad (I won’t let him live with us) and deal with All The Everything.
I work PT as a lawyer in a high pressure public sector field, I’m very good at my job and better able to cope with my job than I ever was when He lived at home, but my life is a dumpster fire.
I struggle to do the amount of exercise I need to stay in stable mental health (endurance sport) and my whole non-working time is consumed by my autistic daughter, with my eldest getting scraps of my attention.
I had to cancel my weekly cleaner as it isn’t affordable, and my friends are all busy with their lives so I don’t have a social life. Our friends we used to hang out with as families have dropped me, or I find it very difficult to be around them as I’m wary of men (significant PTSD from the shock and betrayal).
all I have is buying things off Vinted and doom scrolling. I am just holding on day by day till the youngest is over 18 and they can make their own arrangements to see their dad. I feel like I’m just existing, I hate my life and don’t recognise it.
Any suggestions for little pockets of happiness I can find that don’t cost too much would be much appreciated.
I already run, lift weights, journal and meditate. I’m in therapy (have been since life exploded).
I don’t get enough sleep (autistic child regressed massively due to trauma) and i struggle to prioritise myself at all.
I think a lot of not existing. That’s not an option obviously but I need to make daily life tolerable.

Fisk on Netflix - pissed off middle-aged lawyer in Melbourne 😁

I think others have given some great tips already. The only thing I would add is: please don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes winning is simply getting to the end of the day with everyone fed. Life can be messy and not always fair, but your children’s lives - and the lives of your family and friends - are so much richer with you in them.

Something that is cheap and free, and may help with the load you are carrying, is gratitude exercises. There is a lot of research around it. It works really well with journaling.

Good luck OP

Try Hilary McKay's books, particularly the Exiles trilogy and the Casson family series or The time of Green magic. They're children's books, but like all the best children's books have so much in them that they're really for anyone.

Gardening is my go to therapy. In fact it can be prescribed as therapy by doctors (green prescribing). I am currently going through a huge, life changing, incredibly stressful and frightening time with my family (husband terminally ill) and honestly gardening is the thing that has stopped me from going under. It's all about new life, nurturing things, learning new skills, and the satisfaction you get from growing things is just so lovely. It helps you feel more connected to the world outside your own bubble. You could buy a few packets of seeds and some compost for under a tenner. Your kids can get involved too. I recommend Zinnia's - the flower and flower and then flower even more, for pennies. It genuinely brings joy.

Perhaps select from books written in earlier times? I'm quite fond of an Agatha Christie, especially her earlier books - pre-forensics, even fingerprints are new-fangled! They're a quick read, and she wrote plenty of short stories if you want even-quicker reads.

There's also a bit of a fashion recently for translations of Japanese books. I can recommend Toshikazu Kawaguchi's 'Before the Coffee Gets Cold' series. Very gentle and positive.

@Snorfig

Ok, so it definitely sounds like you don’t want a romance book! And that’s totally okay! Who could blame you. So. Non-romantic, non-sexual books for adults. I’m going to share some resources and then a very short list.
RESOURCES:
I can give you a starting list, but you also want the tools to choose your own books. These will both help you determine if you should read or avoid a book you’re interested in. Just search for the name of the book and it should tell you.
https://booktriggerwarnings.com/Welcome - Covers a lot of possible triggers. For example, if you’re fine with sexually explicit scenes but absolutely do not want a book with sexual assault, or you like to read crime novels, but don’t want to read about any child abuse - all those things are covered.
GoodReads - check the reviews here for any book and if someone hasn’t mentioned triggers, feel free to leave a comment asking someone who’s read the book.

MY LIST
Psalm for the Wild-Built - Read this immediately. You need it in your life. I’m dead serious. Find a copy today. If you can’t afford it, DM me and I’ll send you a copy. This will help with the “I’m so far in the forest that I can’t even see the forest for the trees” feeling you have, I think/hope. It’s about the relationship between a robot and a tea-monk.
Days at the Morisaki Bookshop - I won’t try to describe it. But if you like this, I can recommend a lot more like this.
Legends and Lattes - Look it up. It might be for you or it might not. Again, if you like this, I can recommend more like it.
Anything by Agatha Christie (except Hallowe’en Party and Third Girl) - the original queen of mystery. Bonus, you get to watch men being murdered! (That’s a joke, but I understand you might find it funny right now) But she does start to mention sex in the books that she wrote in the late 60s.
Anything by Terry Pratchett - Sir Terry wanted his Discworld to be accessible at any age. I recommend his books focused on “the witches,” “the city watch,” or the character of Death. I know some people don’t enjoy the Discworld setting, but I think his books contain some really profound thinking in simple words. Also, consider his Tiffany Aching series; you could read along with either your kids if they’re readers, because it’s targeted to both teens and adults.

*AI has not been used for this comment. I just didn’t want you to think I outsourced it and risked AI getting it wrong, OP.

I’ve downloaded Psalm For The Wild-Built and will get on it once my kindle charges! Thanks for the trigger warning website! Would have saved me from the allusions to sexual exploitation in How To Be Both by Ali Smith. Love the book but terrified to read it any further!

I have some experience of the feeling of not wanting to exist, a lowish doze of sertraline really helped me. Took the edge of and allowed me to think more rationally.
Children’s books might be less triggering for you and there is much that is well written. Classics tend to have less sex, Jane Austen, Trollope, Forster.
Even if you can’t increase your hours could you skill swap?

Is he a danger to his daughters? Do social services insist on supervised contact?

Sounds very tough x

Reading or audio books - I find i can escape even for just half an hour

Audio have the added perk of being able to be used when driving / chores / gym

All the best - don’t under estimate your awesomeness

Oh , and it’s ok to let stuff slip (standards etc )

NOT Anne McCaffery. While the sex is in no way explicit, its very clear and some people might find it a bit rapey.

Seriously curious which you have been reading? Not come across anything approaching this description.

Hiya, this may sound like a silly idea but has worked for me . . .

Write yourself a "bucket list" of things you would like to do, items you would like to buy, events you would like to attend, films you would like to watch etc etc. You could involve your girls with this too. Some items may be huge (go on a safari was one of mine) or quite small (cooking a new recipe)

You can take your time over this and add things as they occur to you. Keep your list in a place where you will see it frequently ~ pick an item that seems achievable and work towards that. Enjoy crossing it off the list. Somehow, gradually seeing items ticked off makes you realise how much you are achieving

Wishing you strength as you move forward

Have you talked to social services about respite for your daughter? Not sleeping is going to make everything 100 times worse

Get your calendar and schedule in one lovely thing to do a month. Go for a nice meal ( or organise a favourite take out) go to the theatre/cinema or an exhibition, long walk somewhere nice with a coffee or hot chocolate at the end ( beginning/middle!) Write a list of things that make your heart sing. Do them more often or try to schedule in a trip or day out at least every month, if that feels undoable then every few months. I have something to look forward to on my calendar every single month. Sometimes it’s very simple and free, sometimes it’s a weekend in Barcelona! I know that might be difficult at the moment but this time will pass and life will get easier I promise. Podcasts are fab and if I can’t do something I’d like to do because of time or money sometimes I listen to a podcast about it ( like wild swimming etc). Hope things start to get easier soon.

If you work it out please let me know… I have 2 ND teens and honestly it sucks most of the time 😢

Some great advice on here already. You sound like you’re doing an amazing job in such tough circumstances and you should be really proud! This may not be new information but the Lucy Faithfull Foundation website may have some useful resources x

If you will struggle financially with a weekly cleaner, would a less regular but more deep clean still help? I live in a rural area and have struggled to find a regular cleaner (currently have a good one) but for a while I had to book quarterly ir bi monthly deep cleans. They were more expensive per job but it was cheaper overall and they were more thorough. It was easier to keep clean myself then. I also bought a robot hoover which keeps the living areas clean and tidy. Big investment but absolutely worth it.

I agree with a PP re sertraline. It was a game changer for me.

Hello @Snorfig, I've read your posts, but have only skimmed others, so many apologies if I'm duplicating previous suggestions.

For me, I've found connecting with nature a huge positive, and there's so many different ways to do so. Examples could be getting an almanac e.g. The Almanac: A seasonal guide to 2026 - as a prompt to help you think about what's happening in the natural world each season.

I also find bird-watching whether at feeders on a window-sill, feeders in the garden, or out at a local nature reserve, a visitor centre, or woods etc hugely soothing. There are also recordings available of different bird songs and calls, which may be of interest, and I recall a book called 'Birdwatching in the dark'.

Another way to observe nature could be through moth trapping (light trap to draw moths in overnight, and then see what's appeared in the morning before releasing them).

I know other people who find growing things very restorative.

When and if you reach a point where you'd like to connect with others with similar interests there are probably local bird and/or wildlife groups etc.

Best wishes.

Don't be silly, you sound like an amazing mum. I can't believe how much energy you have despite all you're carrying mentally along with the lack of sleep (with the energy to run and lift weights etc). Wow x

@Snorfig And when you manage to get the headspace (and actual time) to do some really fun / nice things with your dc, (even if it is just baking using a kit or pre-made dough) make sure you take lots of photos, and get some printed, so you can have them up on the fridge, or in frames.

It has actually really helped me - I have lots of photos of my dc on special days out / holidays etc on the wall, right next to my bed, so I see them first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Having these visual reminders of very happy times (and looking at them regularly) can help your brain re-frame the past a little bit (and your brain’s snapshot of whether you have been predominantly happy during the day (ie so whether your internal sensor feels like you are ‘happy’), by focussing on good things. I struggled a lot when my dc were small - but seeing photos of happy times every day has overwritten those overwhelmingly bad feelings, with more positive memories.

Re my earlier post, the book title was 'Birdwatching With Your Eyes Closed
An Introduction to Birdsong'

It sounds to me as though your girls have a fabulous and formidable mother. You have modelled leaving a bad relationship while prioritising your mental health with therapy, journaling and meditating. You are a successful lawyer in a high pressure public sector field. You focus on being strong by running and lifting weights all while taking care of them and their needs.

Honestly, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you sound brilliant. You deserve more and I believe it will happen for you, better days will come.

I was going to recommend Terry Pratchett audio books instead of doomscrolling. Start with the witches series if you want female focused. For something more classic consider Cranford by Mrs Gaskell.

If you like crime fiction don’t rule out Sherlock Holmes. They are mainly short stories and well written that is why they have lasted.

I have a BBC Radio Drama Jane Austen series on my Audible which is a play format with multiple actors.

My other game changer has been a robot vacuum and mop with a docking station. Every morning I come down to a hoovered and mopped kitchen and every other day it does the ground floor. We take it upstairs to do the bedrooms each week too

100%.

My mum was left to bring up two children up single handedly, dad had an affair, left, and we never saw him again.
I can't imagine the pain my mother was going through (I was very young) but she coped, and I remember my childhood being very happy, all because of her.

I'm sure OP, in a few years your girls will look back and remember all the good times and that will be because of you and the very admirable way you are coping, even though your life has changed beyond recognition.....you still sound amazing.