Tips for surviving a life I didn’t sign up for?

[Snorfig]

Thanks to my husband’s porn addiction (which I knew nothing of until a dawn police raid in 2024) I’m now a single parent to a highly anxious teen and autistic pre-teen, I have to supervise contact with their dad (I won’t let him live with us) and deal with All The Everything.
I work PT as a lawyer in a high pressure public sector field, I’m very good at my job and better able to cope with my job than I ever was when He lived at home, but my life is a dumpster fire.
I struggle to do the amount of exercise I need to stay in stable mental health (endurance sport) and my whole non-working time is consumed by my autistic daughter, with my eldest getting scraps of my attention.
I had to cancel my weekly cleaner as it isn’t affordable, and my friends are all busy with their lives so I don’t have a social life. Our friends we used to hang out with as families have dropped me, or I find it very difficult to be around them as I’m wary of men (significant PTSD from the shock and betrayal).
all I have is buying things off Vinted and doom scrolling. I am just holding on day by day till the youngest is over 18 and they can make their own arrangements to see their dad. I feel like I’m just existing, I hate my life and don’t recognise it.
Any suggestions for little pockets of happiness I can find that don’t cost too much would be much appreciated.
I already run, lift weights, journal and meditate. I’m in therapy (have been since life exploded).
I don’t get enough sleep (autistic child regressed massively due to trauma) and i struggle to prioritise myself at all.
I think a lot of not existing. That’s not an option obviously but I need to make daily life tolerable.

I wish I had some good advice , it sounds like you are already doing the things I would have suggested, hope someone comes along with helpful ideas for pockets of happiness.

Novels? If you have a free half hour and the 'right' novel, it can be a little almost holiday of joy. I say 'right' because imo the wrong sort of book can feel like a giant boring waste of precious time, but the right sort of novel can transport you either out of your life or further inside yourself, whichever you need. What's right or wrong will obviously depend on what mood and mindset you're in but plenty of people on Mumsnet have given excellent recommendations on book threads in the past if you think that might be worth exploring

Stop doom scrolling.

I genuinely feel like I’ve got a hangover after I doom scroll.

Youve had a horrendous time of it, you need to give yourself time.

Have you got any friends who would just come over occasionally for a cuppa? Connection with a friendly face can make the day seems more manageable.

Good luck!

Thanks Peas. I’ve had some real challenges finding ‘safe’ novels as I was proper literature but there’s so much bloody sex in it all and I’m very triggered by any explicit sexual content. I have so many half read books that I was enjoying til they became too distressing to read.

I can relate to the feeling of a life I wasn't expecting.

I have an autistic and ADHD daughter who consumes a lot of my time, either directly or indirectly with admin and advocating for her (very anxious, out of school for over 4 years with MH issues). DH who doesn't really get it or her, and DTs who are 18 months younger than her- so they're nearly 14 and she is 15. I rarely get to go anywhere or do anything different as DD struggles hugely to leave the house.

I also run and do some weights at home and walk the DDog.

I think connecting with other people who "get it" helps a lot. Do you have a local support group? My DD is likely PDA profile and I have found the local support group is great as people are very accepting of all the difficulties and fears and frustrations. Plus support with the EHCP type stuff. I have online connections and rl friends from this group.

Does your eldest have any support? Do you have any family support? Can anyone else supervise their contact with their dad?

Hey @Snorfig. Good replies on this thread already. I’m here: 1. to say kindle for commuting journeys and when waiting around so you are off your phone. 2. To give you an un MN hug, because I think you deserve one and 3. to recommend looking into self compassion journals etc because you’re carrying a lot and deserve to recognise it and appreciate all you’re doing. Big love from a long term viper x

I was in a similar situation with my ds a few years ago. I built my social life around my ds. We exercised together, cycling, swimming, a martial arts class.
I took him for picnics and invited one of his friends along. We decorated rooms together, made food together, became a very close family unit. A team, with each having our strengths. We sort of went back to basics, rebuilt the foundations and worked outwards from there.
It helped with the anxiety, gave ds confidence, made home life calmer.

Day by day. It’s tough. My sister had an unexpected late (45) pregnancy after being told she was infertile and the man scarpered. Sadly her DD has profound autism, non verbal and will never live independently. She’s a teenager now with all that brings. Certainly not the life she envisioned. But she does have the financial support of my older sibling which is a double edged sword but makes life tolerable.
A couple things she does to help her MH is bake and knit. Beautiful items. This takes her out of herself - she can concentrate on the activity at hand. She is also religious and goes to mass - I don’t quite understand her devotion considering what she has been dealt but she must get something from it

That does sound like it would be very challenging. I think if you wanted to explore options, if you put something on the books board I'm sure the lovely people there could come up with some ideas. (As a starting point, you could consider looking at Marlen Haushofer's The Wall. It is also about a life change that is extremely unexpected, but in a completely different context. Definitely not about a relationship)

Thank you all so much for replying. I don’t know how to do mentions etc and I’m too old and tired to learn, but consider yourselves all mentioned and appreciated. I feel so sorry for my girls having me as their mum. They deserve better.

@Snorfig I’m so sorry to hear about how things are. PPs have given good advice above, but I suppose I just wanted to add a point about whether you can increase the amount of money coming in, as that may enable you to outsource some of the humdrum daily stuff (like reinstating your cleaner), or help buy in more support / time away from dc? Are you in UK?

I am not an expert on benefits - but have you checked you are receiving everything you may be entitled to (esp with regards your dc)? Are you receiving any form of child maintenance?

Have you considered your employment - you mention you are in a high pressure role in the public sector - can you weigh up the pros and cons of possibly moving to a similar (if possible) role in the private sector? Might the remuneration be better?

One other thing that occurs to me is it sounds like you are experiencing burn-out, particularly to do with your caring responsibilities. If work is something you enjoy and find fulfilling, then have you considered the pros and cons of increasing the amount of time that you work?

It would potentially improve the financial situation, allowing you to out-source some things, but may also give you a better work-life balance. I was a SAHP for a while (we have SEN dc), and there may sometimes be a benefit for the dc if they get a bit less time with the parent, but the time they do have is much better quality time as the parent is not so burnt-out from focussing on (what sometimes feels like) the relentless needs of dc.

I find that if I attempt to do the cleaning, it is never limited to 4 hours, it will take me longer as I hate it and find it soul destroying. Maybe increasing your paid work (even just for a half-day a week) may pay for a cleaner, plus a while host of other things), and shift the balance of your week slightly, so that you are spending that extra half day (at work) doing something where you feel fulfilled and valued.

Can you slot in more endurance exercise into your day (if that really helps you cope)? Some people I know have switched from commuting by tube / train to running to work (often workplaces have showers), or cycling?

You are carrying a lot. Could you fit in some therapy? (Better Help is online if time is an issue). It would give you a chance to work things out and process how your future could be, while making the present more bearable. In terms of novels, I read a lot and don't find lots of explicit sex stuff so maybe try some different genres or more obviously safe stuff (classics like Jane Eyre or My Brilliant Career are good reads about women living difficult lives). I'd also say you need to explore finding sexual stuff in books or TV triggering and therapy could help you deal with that too. Could you do Park Run or similar (not sure the age of your kids but there is also junior park run). Podcasts/ brilliant TV shows that hook you in rather than humdrum ones. Swimming with the kids if possible. And probably trying to go to activities with other mums and kids where you might be able to gradually build new connections . There are a lot of lonely mums struggling through and it can help to find others in the same boat.

Just seen your latest message. You are doing an amazing job, never doubt that. You will get your mojo back - and things will get easier. It is sometimes difficult to see beyond the here and now when you are in the thick of it.

I would also add in that you should try and make space for a health check - are you perimenopausal? If so, get advice, consider HRT (I have found it very very helpful, especially with things like sleep / anxiety / brain fog). And get B12 / iron / vit d / folate levels checked. B12 deficiency can be a bit hidden, and isn’t necessarily obvious (even with standard tests), but can make life feel very very hard… sending love.

Thank you so much for these tips. Increasing my hours at work would certainly make financial sense and I already work over my contracted PT hrs, but at the moment my non-working day feels like absolute basic survival. I’m desperate to ring fence it.
if I can hit my chargeable hours target (end of year is imminent) I’ll hopefully get a payrise that allows me to outsource some sludge and focus on what’s needed, without losing my non working day.
i know I need:

• a reliable, regularly-scheduled babysitter
• a cleaner
• healthy ready meals for me
• to do the run-commute more often (I’ve only done it once in the past month and it’s magic for squeezing in extra mileage without ‘costing’ me time wise.
• better boundaries so I’m not pouring from an empty cup.

Lion and Stoufer thank you - I’ll book a GP appt and aim for more ‘treadmill tv’ time too, before youngest wake x

Childrens and teen fiction is great. Classic Childrens books and old friends are my go to when I am stressed. Nothing too bad happens but they are a fun distraction.
Great childrens books: Enid Blyton especially her school stories, Drina series by Jean Estoril, Anything by Noel Streatfield, Anne of Green Gables series by LM Montgomery, Katie series by Susan M Coolidge, Chalet Schhol series. Many more.
Adult authors who don't go in for sex scenes include: Anne McCaffery, E V Thompson, Cynthia Harrod Eagles, Georgette Heyer,

How about Dorothy L Sayers? Terrific writer and they weren't allowed explicit sexy stuff in 1930s mainstream novels. She had a tough life too in many ways.

No, no, no, your DC have a resilient mother who is surviving a very difficult situation. It’s not easy and you are there every day for them. That is worth everything to them. I get the stress and the pressure, I have been a single parent for thirteen years now with a different but also complex set of circumstances.
I cannot be much help as in retrospect, I have no idea how I got through, I just did. If pushed, I would say I noticed the colour, I started to notice flowers in seasonal cycles and garden. Grew my own flowers, experimented with what worked and what doesn’t in my garden. I noticed the sky. I wasn’t able to join a gym until my youngest was a teen as I work FT, but as one of the previous posters said, we did things together - a routine of swimming and exercise and going somewhere every weekend, even just to a local park. I learnt to play Minecraft and we built a city. I thanked my lucky stars often that we live in a society where women can work and be financially independent and I can keep a roof over our heads (touch lots of wood).
I also can no longer read fiction, so I am reading non-fiction.
I took antidepressants at times. If you are thinking you don’t want to be here, then a conversation with your GP might be helpful. Plus, if you have an employee assistance programme. Mine were rubbish but I went back recently and the counsellor was great. Any support you can get to not feel alone.

autism come in many different presentations but for many of us by the teen years they can be left for periods which will allow you to exercise more, potentially work more, these will make you feel better and/or allow you to buy in help. When it’s appropriate for them to make direct contact with their father or refuse to see him altogether will depend on circumstances which we can’t know but might be sooner for your sake - does he have any relatives who could help with facilitating contact? Sending you virtual support, it will get better! Because of my job I’ve seen this scenario before and life seems so hard yet things change and get better

Oh, OP, you have done the v best thing you could in the circumstances. You're a good mum. Do you have a garden, or a space to garden just a little? It doesn't have to be expensive, at all, and is the best therapy in a struggle. Gardens, plants, flowers don't judge. Everyone will benefit. I've had experience of this.

This all sounds so tough. You've had some great advice already. You mention running and weights etc and I wonder, if you don't already, if doing these as a group activity, rather than a solo endeavour might help?
You'd still get the exercise but the added social element could be one way to inject some (more?) like bits of joy through the human interaction?

It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job coping, even if it doesn't feel like it. I wonder if antidepressants might help? You've been through a lot and they might just take the edge off and allow you to work through things and get back to an even keel.

@Snorfig They most certainly do not deserve better! They are lucky to have you. You are carrying so much here. So much. Lots of good suggestions here. Make a list of them all and decide which to prioritise implementing.

@Snorfig Can you make an executive decision to work only to your contracted hours in the schort-term? Do you have a line-manager that you can speak to about this? What difference would that make to your day, in real terms? If you are having to squeeze in an extra hour or two of work, at home, in the evenings (or at weekends) that is soul destroying - and you are subsidising your workplace at the expense of yourself, and your dc.

It is a particular issue for people on 4 days - there is somehow an assumption (maybe internally, maybe external) that you can still achieve a FT workload - is that what is happening?

It might help you to sit down with a calculator for half an hour - and try to estimate what you are typically doing over and above your contracted hours, and work that out in £££ terms. I was in a role about 10 years ago, where I was being paid for approx 2.5 days a week, but routinely spending at least 3.5 - 4 days a week on the work. I worked it out and over a two year period I had subsidised the consultancy I was working for, and the public sector body that they were (I was) undertaking the consultancy for, up to the tune of around £24k - £30k. I felt sick to the stomach when I realised that the owner of the consultancy was making a good profit, the public sector client was getting a really cut-price (top-quality!) service, and it was me (and my very young ND dc) who were paying for this.

On the back of this, I arranged a meeting, and suggested a different model of working that would enable my hours to be much more contained. The owner of the consultancy agreed, and things were much better after that.

But frankly it was only calculating the £££ extent to which I (and my dc) were subsidising the workplace that gave me the drive to really stop and say - this is not acceptable.

It may be that there is a culture in your workplace where everyone works extra hours - but that is a ‘luxury’, and I can guarantee that where this is happening there is someone else at home that is picking up the ‘slack’ with dc / home / admin stuff - which you do not have - so should not be an expectation at work.

My love, why are you being triggered by the content in literature? Your H addiction has nothing to do with you, has no relevance or reflection on you whatsoever. You would really benefit from doing some therapeutic work to distance yourself from what has happened to your family.

this is not your shame to bear.

I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world, you will get through this and you will recover and thrive.