Tips for surviving a life I didn’t sign up for?

[Snorfig]

Thanks to my husband’s porn addiction (which I knew nothing of until a dawn police raid in 2024) I’m now a single parent to a highly anxious teen and autistic pre-teen, I have to supervise contact with their dad (I won’t let him live with us) and deal with All The Everything.
I work PT as a lawyer in a high pressure public sector field, I’m very good at my job and better able to cope with my job than I ever was when He lived at home, but my life is a dumpster fire.
I struggle to do the amount of exercise I need to stay in stable mental health (endurance sport) and my whole non-working time is consumed by my autistic daughter, with my eldest getting scraps of my attention.
I had to cancel my weekly cleaner as it isn’t affordable, and my friends are all busy with their lives so I don’t have a social life. Our friends we used to hang out with as families have dropped me, or I find it very difficult to be around them as I’m wary of men (significant PTSD from the shock and betrayal).
all I have is buying things off Vinted and doom scrolling. I am just holding on day by day till the youngest is over 18 and they can make their own arrangements to see their dad. I feel like I’m just existing, I hate my life and don’t recognise it.
Any suggestions for little pockets of happiness I can find that don’t cost too much would be much appreciated.
I already run, lift weights, journal and meditate. I’m in therapy (have been since life exploded).
I don’t get enough sleep (autistic child regressed massively due to trauma) and i struggle to prioritise myself at all.
I think a lot of not existing. That’s not an option obviously but I need to make daily life tolerable.

You sound pretty incredible so don’t give yourself a hard time - there’s not many single women holding down high pressured jobs, with ND children who are finding time to exercise, so therapy and stay on top of things. Something always slips.

The thing that overwhelmingly strikes me as missing from your life is adult friends. I know you say people are busy but could you schedule some drinks/dinners or join some more sociable group activities with new people - just to get you out of your head a bit.

@Snorfig your daughters are very lucky to have you, please don’t ever think otherwise. You are coping amazingly where many others would have fallen apart.

You and others have mentioned lots of stuff I would have said, but have you tried bird watching? A cup of tea by the window watching birds on the feeder can be very zen, or an engaging podcast that doesn’t require much though but has no risky bits, i like one just one thing and sliced bread on bbc sounds.

Keep on keeping on.

I think you sound like you are doing tremendously just holding things together.
I was going to suggest childrens'/YA reading too. Also non-fiction and poetry. I know it sounds very twee and old fashioned but I find learning a new poem now and then is helpful and calming. I keep copies of them in a notebook (and I write them out carefully with a fountain pen).
Growing things also helps me, I garden in plant pots and half barrels.
These things, and knitting small things (especially with complicated patterns eg. Fairisle) help the doom scrolling slow down. You find you want to finish them.
The days are getting longer, I hope this helps you as much as it does me.

Sweetheart I think you sound absolutely awesome xxx

Betrayal trauma isn't talked about much but it's all encompassing. People think you should just be able to "move on". Sending you lots of empathy. I think it's amazing what you're dealing with plus working plus coping with two kids.

As the days will be getting warmer soon, if you have access to a garden, sowing seeds, growing plants and flowers and nurturing them (which you may be able to do with your children, could be therapeutic.
Also music, that can help lift the mood.

You are a Mum who has fought for them, is fighting to give them a good life while damaging their own to do it. I am sorry for your struggle and have no advice but please do not self deprecate over what you are doing.

Woah, you can stop with that nonsense lady! You’ve had your life taken from you and turned upside down and inside out. You’ve removed what sounds like a dangerous man from the family home and aren’t letting him near them without supervision. You’ve got a difficult job and you’re currently kicking arse at it. You’re taking what sounds like excellent care of your daughters in difficult circumstances. You do an endurance sport ffs. You are a warrior of a woman and you’re showing your girls a strength that any of us would be impressed by. Now you know it might be like a swan, (all calm and serene on the surface but chaos going on underneath) but they aren’t going to know that. They are going to feel like they’ve got a superhero for a mum.

Re the reading, why not give older books a go? You’re not going to come across any unexpected sex scenes in a penguin classic. F Scott Fitzgerald, George Elliot, Jane Eyre, Agatha Christie etc. Or if that doesn’t appeal, what about you give writing a go? You don’t have to be good at it; nobody has to read it if you don’t want them to, but a notepad and pen doesn’t cost much.

Also, have a look at Gingerbread, which is an organisation for single parents. They’ve been around for decades. They can’t offer as much as they used to be able to, but there’s still a fair bit they can help with https://www.gingerbread.org.uk Also, if you’re in the public sector and are a civil servant, you can contact https://www.cfcs.org.uk the civil service charity. They help in all sorts of circumstances and could potentially do all sorts of things for you.

Wait he can’t just be in jail for porn? What was he watching? Is there no restitution from him?

How do you get to work normally? If you drive, is there a public transport option? Then you could read, look out the window, dissect your fellow passengers' lives etc.

I just remembered something else silly and cheap I do. I save nearly dead supermarket plants.
I think your girls are lucky, lucky, lucky to have such a brave, caring mum.

Another vote for childhood favourite books.

During a difficult time, I lost my love of reading as I felt I had to be readng something 'worthwhile'. My therapist helped me realise worthwhile come in many forms, and if it's bringing you joy and respite isn't that worthwhile?

I'm enjoying the chalet school, the dark is rising (kids fantasy with nothing too awful in it) and the children of Green knowe.

Massive hugs to you.

I think looking for the little glimmers of joy where you can, and noticing them all, is absolutely a good way forward.

Physical comfort can be overlooked but helpful. Cosy blankets, thick socks, soft jumpers all feel comforting. Even if they only make you feel 1% better, a few 1%s start to add up xx

What was your husband arrested for? I didn't think porn was illegal?

If you try 19th century literature there's no explicit sex in it

Sugar.

That’s how I got through. Is there a better way? Maybe. But I never found it. Sugar works. There were days when I might actually have just walked out and kept walking if there hadn’t been cheesecake in the fridge for later to keep me home. I didn’t even dare fill the tank in the car because it made it that little bit more likely I might just…..drive away.

Cheese also works.

Grow some seeds

Don't know if anyone has suggested this yet, but could you listen to some music you used to enjoy when younger? You can do this alongside other tasks and it might lift your mood.
Sounds as if you are doing your best in a really difficult situation that will not last forever .

What her husband did and how it was dealt with is not the point of this thread. OP may well have changed details for privacy/convenience.

I don’t have anything to add but to echo

1. you sound like an amazing mum
2. your girls are lucky to have you
3. you do need to look after yourself (consider turning your phone to grey scale/setting up a browser time limit/blocking Vinted)

Yes, what was he involved with as police do not raid homes due to legal porn use?
If there's more to this and you're worried your dc were exposed to serious issues and have safeguarding concerns do contact appropriate services for advice.

Regarding the drudgery of day to day life it is hard, many people live with extremely challenging situations and while it sounds twee and a cliche you've got to find a way to find joy in the small stuff.

Good luck sorry things are very tough .

Acceptance that this is your life.

Accept it and enjoy it where you can.

If you go to classic novels, or first half of 20th Century, there will be much less sex. Agatha Christie springs to mind. Or maybe young adult novels. - I’ve picked up several not realising the target audience, and enjoyed them.

My other suggestion would be comedy programs, particularly retro ones - The Two Ronnies and Father Ted are my gotos. A good laugh lifts the mood no end, and the usual 30 minute duration is manageable in a busy life.

Last weekend, I thought 'I just want to look at something that will make me happy'. I bought a calendar (cheap as chips!) and a couple of cards with no message on the outside but they were beautiful.

I am so sorry. I have no idea how you are coping but you are amazing for managing all that.

Re "I feel so sorry for my girls having me as their mum. They deserve better."

You are the best mum in the world for your girls.

Does you younger child want to see her dad? How often does she see him?

I do know a family where something similar happened and it was a terrible wrench so you have my sympathy for this awful situation.

you could try to find out if there are any groups local to you for families of neurodivergent children, whilst not a fix there will be people who will “get it” and sharing some of the mental load and how you are feeling will really help. Also there are charities like homestart who can help with the babysitting part.

Someone upthread mentioned antidepressants, and I agree it’s worth looking into. They turn the brain noise down massively and give you breathing space.

edited to add, you sound like a fantastic mum so give yourself some grace. It was your DH who threw the grenade into your life, you aren’t the problem here, you’re making the best of it given the circumstances

It's not going to be a decision that OP's made. It's going to be a response to the trauma of the raid and ensuing investigation.

Please don't say your DC deserve better. You sound quite wonderful to me.
Agree with PP about treading water, not everything needs fixing or sorting all at once.
I've been trying to listen to audio books. Previously, I would drift off and get distracted really easily, but I'm training myself to tune in better. I'm really enjoying how calm it makes me feel. It's become a real pleasure for half an hour while I do some drudgery like folding laundry or washing up.
I hope you feel more positive soon, every time you're pissed off, mentally allocate it to your husband. None of this was your doing.

I can't add or contribute much - but can suggest some safe(r) novels if that would help?

Jane Austen is my go to comfort read and everyone always gets their just desserts by the end and no sex. There's a lot to get through as well and they're wonderful to reread or relisten to.

I Capture the Castle is lovely also.

The Thursday Murder Club alludes to sex a bit, but doesn't actually cover it if that would be good?

Mad as it sounds - when I can't sleep I listen to Paddington books on audible. Something about the comforting sound of a familiar story really calms me.

I'm so sorry that life is so hard at the moment - sending gentle hugs.