Tips for surviving a life I didn’t sign up for?

[Snorfig]

Thanks to my husband’s porn addiction (which I knew nothing of until a dawn police raid in 2024) I’m now a single parent to a highly anxious teen and autistic pre-teen, I have to supervise contact with their dad (I won’t let him live with us) and deal with All The Everything.
I work PT as a lawyer in a high pressure public sector field, I’m very good at my job and better able to cope with my job than I ever was when He lived at home, but my life is a dumpster fire.
I struggle to do the amount of exercise I need to stay in stable mental health (endurance sport) and my whole non-working time is consumed by my autistic daughter, with my eldest getting scraps of my attention.
I had to cancel my weekly cleaner as it isn’t affordable, and my friends are all busy with their lives so I don’t have a social life. Our friends we used to hang out with as families have dropped me, or I find it very difficult to be around them as I’m wary of men (significant PTSD from the shock and betrayal).
all I have is buying things off Vinted and doom scrolling. I am just holding on day by day till the youngest is over 18 and they can make their own arrangements to see their dad. I feel like I’m just existing, I hate my life and don’t recognise it.
Any suggestions for little pockets of happiness I can find that don’t cost too much would be much appreciated.
I already run, lift weights, journal and meditate. I’m in therapy (have been since life exploded).
I don’t get enough sleep (autistic child regressed massively due to trauma) and i struggle to prioritise myself at all.
I think a lot of not existing. That’s not an option obviously but I need to make daily life tolerable.

Hey lovely - I feel your pain and have experienced similar. When my life exploded in my mid thirties, I had some counselling via my work’s EAP. When I told her I had nothing good in my life and no money to buy nice things / experiences, she told me something I never forgot. Her advice was to do one small thing for myself every day. To decide what it would be when I woke up and then spend time planning it and looking forward to it. It would be something inexpensive like a face pack or a bubble bath but I had to do something every day. I tried it, and it lifted my mood when the rest of the world felt very bleak and lonely. Only you can decide what those little things will be, because you know what you like and when things are tough it can be difficult to find some joy, but it’s worth the effort. I hope you can find the way forward - I can promise you life will get better.

Can you teach rhe girls the household jobs and pay them ie they are the cleaners
Or make pocket money contingent on doing some of the housework to reduce your load?

Here are my only bits of tips for life. I have not experienced what you have but I have a child (now adult and healthy) who thought about not being alive, and tried to make it so. I also have a younger slightly challenging child and some health issues making life complicated at the moment.

Things that helped me a lot at the time (of my child's suicidation) and still do are:

• Going on a relatively low dose (50mg) of Sertraline (prescribed by GP)
• I go to church and I enjoy it, I pray and do Bible studies. Regarding religion or spirituality, whatever works for you
• Making time for me I like to write poems, I go to a writing group once a month
• I go out for lunch with friends (I don't really like pubs or evenings out - too tired, I am 61) and go on at least an annual trip to the theatre
• Having food I love, whether it’s a spicy curry or warming pie; healthy food, indulgent food or whatever, nurturing your body is important
• Watching films I know and love (like, A Few Good Men) …no surprises with films I know well!
• Reading positive affirmations, and making sure I repeat them to myself occasionally, it sounds silly but we all have some degree of negative self talk, and I believe positive self talk does help us all
• Having a few nice beautify products, like pretty nail polishes and exquisitely-scented hand creams. Pampering the body a bit, whatever works for you
• Growing tomatoes or house plants that are hardy, whatever works for you
• Having a pet I love (cats are so much easier than dogs, we have one of each) – but no pet is without effort so you may want to skip this one!

Indeed you may wish to skip any of these but they are just suggestions.

Most of all, none of this is your fault and your girls have a wonderful and fabulous mum.

I play Animal Crossing on my Switch 2. I find it very relaxing. I also find my life difficult for many reasons.

There must be a million books with no sex. Have you ever read any Bill Bryson? perfect feel-good reading.

I'm curious about the dawn raid for porn addiction. Was what he was watching illegal? in which case why are your children still seeing him?

I find creative things helpful, but particularly repetitive, slow things that engage your attention just enough to stop the mind whizzing around in despair but not so complicated that they become a chore in themselves. For me that is exercise, colouring books and art done with pencils, which takes ages. If I liked knitting or crochet that would count. Physical movement of some sort really helps, rather than just, say, watching TV. Such things can be started and stopped as necessary, and maybe even the kids could be interested in joining?

In respect of reading, try classic books, children's and adult eg E Nesbit Five children and It, The Secret Garden, The Thirty nine steps {John Buchan..not PC but readable}, Tolkien, HG Wells, you get the picture. Well written and safe

They absolutely do raid for child abuse images. Also, read the room..

When my children were younger we grew a pepper from seed in a pot indoors. It was a thrill to finally harvest the big red pepper. My son grew a Kowhai tree from seed as a child and I smile when I see it in flower in summer - he's all grown up now and it's quite a large tree.

This may not fit with your circumstances or time constraints but a pet has been important to my children. We have a Tonkinese cat - short haired, playful, and almost doglike in many ways - she plays fetch. She is very little trouble. I wouldn't have another longhaired pet because of the shedding and brushing and combing though we had a much-loved Birman for many years. My children were on the spectrum and one in particular was devoted to the cat.

I also like mohair socks - very cosy. And decent Earl Grey tea.

I like smelling nice too - I think Versace's Bright Crystal is very cheerful though it doesn't have a lot of staying power.

OP I think those that know (others in similar positions) are coming on and saying you are a great mum, please take comfort in that. I have support from a carers' group specifically for my DD's condition and it's my entire lifeline. Eventually if you have SEND kids most friends and family fall away, or come up with crap that just invalidates your experience. You are also dealing with so much more, so many aspects to it, including grief for the life you thought you might have.

I like @Italiangreyhound's post above. It is about acceptance, accepting where you are, and its taken me a very long time to get there so I know what you are going through.

If you watch movies with your children the film "Hugo" is worth seeing. There are two teenage leads but there is absolutely no romance.

I have a book recommendation for you: The Book Forger by Joseph Hone. It's a true story, very well researched and a total page turner. Highly recommended.
No sex.
If you'd like to rehome my copy then feel free to PM.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Forger-story-literary-fooled-ebook/dp/B0CCTNVYB5

Someone said novels, great idea, a more practical option is Audio books. I cannot find time to read that much but if I listen to audio books I can finish 2 books a week, some really delightful entertainment that make the mundane tasks enjoyable.

Sorry OP this is utterly shit. I would try to consciously find ways to take back your agency wherever possible. Things I've found helpful as a single parent in a tough situation are:

• Shut the phone away and put in airplane mode in the evening to prevent doom scrolling. Read a book about something that is of interest to you.
• Sit with your feelings, feel them, allow the anger and sadness to come, it will eventually leave and leave space for something better.
• Seek out other empowered female role models that have come through tough times and share. Women can hold each other up without men.
• Look for tiny things that bring you joy, i.e taking your daughter for a walk outside with a flask of hot chocolate, sit on a bench and take 5.
• Lie flat on the floor and close your eyes and listen to your favourite music. Think about what made you happy before all of this happened. Try and connect to that feeling.

Sending loads of good wishes, power and strength 💚💚💚

OP I just wanted to offer you empathy and solidarity. My youngest is an anxious little thing and my eldest is autistic with very complex needs and on max rates of disability benefits. I too am tired all the time. I have no solutions, just want to say you aren’t alone.

I dream of a white bedroom in a Mediterranean villa, a breeze gently disturbing the net curtain, a comfortable bed and silence. One day... maybe.

Kids books. Crack out the faraway tree books, or twins at st Claire’s series. Pure escapism and no sex in them at all.

Nobody gets the life they signed up for (although this is a particular issue when raising disabled children). Often we think life should be carefree but our struggles get in the way of it. But the struggles are life and it’s all about how you frame things in your mind. This is your life, so re-frame it. You have escaped living with your ex. That’s a positive. You are raising two children who will undoubtedly have times they make you really proud. You have the strength you need to deal with your struggles, and even in your darkest moments you are able to recognise you need to keep plugging away. You are an amazing person for being able to put one foot in front of it the other, for holding down your job and doing it well.

How old is your eldest? Ask them for help with the house and praise them highly for being part of your team. Have a weekly “hour of housework” where you stick on the best tunes and belt out the songs together and dance it out like nobody’s watching. A weekly cleaner might be unaffordable, can they come once a fortnight or once a month?

Exercise with your kids. Is there something they enjoy doing? Try something new with them once a month.

They will feed off your mood. It’s hard to stay positive but an element of faking it til you make it can help. Both of them will really benefit from routine so schedule everything. Housework, homework, exercise, fun activities. Use visual schedules to do it, to help your youngest.

Sleep will be the biggest issue. Have you sought medical help for her sleep issues? Some people I know in your situation use melatonin, or CBD to help. Is there time you can take just to have a good solid nap. If it’s a choice between cleaning the house and having a nap, I choose sleep every time.

Replace the doomscrolling with some online games or something educational. Duolingo or a BSL online course or whatever your interests are. Get your eldest involved. I did an evening class with my daughter and it was fabulous for giving us a shared interest. We cook dinner together and gossip about school, or politics or whatever.

You can change your life, prioritise what is important and start from there.

*DecisionTime123 *

Thank you

Darkladyofthesonnets

I have 'met' a Tonkinese cat - you are right they are amazing. Siamese are a bit dog like too - or so I am told.

Cranarc

"Physical movement of some sort really helps, rather than just, say, watching TV. Such things can be started and stopped as necessary, and maybe even the kids could be interested in joining?"

Very good point. I did not include that on my list because one of my health issues is limited mobility but I have started (about 18 months ago) some very gentle Pilates and it does give me a feeling of achievement to get through a class - even though I cannot do all the moves!

Oh OP I feel for you. And I totally understand the “this is not the life I signed up for”.

Just so you know I understand, my 24 year old daughter died, unexpectedly in October last year. I have a 21 year old daughter and a 14 year old son. I have to carry on for them. But it’s very hard. I’m not making this about me. But I wanted you to know that I totally get the “this is not what I signed up for”

I am also am a lawyer (a barrister actually, so I am self employed and the main breadwinner, so money is an issue too)

These are the things that are keeping me (relatively) sane and just about alive:

Candles. Lots of them (I have them arranged around photos of DD but they are lovely anyway). I buy prices tapered candles from Amazon. A big box for £20.

Fresh flowers a couple of times a week. Just a few. I have taken up flower arranging. DD would howl with laughter at that!

A hot scented bath each evening followed by a really nice body lotion. This is my daily treat. Along with 2 Kennedys chocolates and a cup of Lapsang tea.

A weekly splurge on Vinted (Friday evenings). I allow myself up to about £15. Sometimes I go over!

Re-reading my favourite novels as it takes less concentration. For me it is Dickens and Hardy. And Undermilk Wood.

Can’t listen to music. But I think if I wasn’t bereaved that would be a regular go to. I used to listen to baroque music and opera.

Growing things in pots.

Baking for the children.

Keeling a diary.

I am having therapy. That might help you too (I know it’s a cost issue though).

Sitting in the garden after dark with a hot drink wrapped in a blanket.

Nice bedding.

I also know how exhausting it is supporting children with mental health difficulties and neuro divergence. Some of the things I do might be things your children could join you in (Kennedys chocolates - you choose them individually so that’s fun, or getting into speciality tea and choosing it and trying it out).

For me it’s about regular little treats (I’m not going out at the moment or eating solid food - other than the odd bit of chocolate) that can find me at home. Your horizons are obviously wider than mine but hopefully you can take some inspiration from the little things I do.

Sending good wishes and hope.

If you have time, keep a journal. It will give you space to express yourself and might make you feel in control of your own story

So many stories on here of amazing parents coping in amazingly difficult situations. More power to all of you. XXXXXX

I’m also surviving a life I didn’t sign up for. My DH had an affair and ripped our family apart. I’m sad all the time, I have horrible intrusive thoughts, I dream about it.

I thought we would grow old together. He thinks we still can (of course he does). But I cannot look at him and love him.

I’m trying so hard to find my identity but all my friends are still married so now I don’t have that in common with them. Doing things on my own isn’t the same. I’m exercising and love it and I’m working on me but not having someone to talk to at home about it is hard. Everything is triggering. I’m just faking my way through life.

I agree that a good book can be a perfect escape .
As an avid reader i have read many genres but during lock down and since i avoid thrillers ,violence etc , try reading some of the many wonderful classics, Austen ,Bronte,Hardy also Rebecca of sunnybrook farm, Anne of green gables , i capture the castle and anything by Georgette Heyer these types of books saw me through the gloom.
None of them were 'slushy' just well written with great characters and stories.
There is a great channel on Youtube -Miranda Mills i have discovered brilliant authors from watching her.
Even though you perhaps can't see it it sounds like you are holding your family together ,i hope things get better for you .

These are great suggestions. I would add Michael Morpurgo. He has written some fantastic stories for older children. And as PP above suggested, Agatha Christie - her books are very well written and I'm pretty sure there is no sex in any of them.

When I've had bad times I've found the Jeeves and Wooster series of books soothing and easy escapism. They are short stories, easy to read, funny and light-hearted with no sex scenes that I remember. There was also a series starring Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie that was very good.

Thank you for every kind helpful empathetic comment and all the useful ideas.
I am so sorry for those who’ve lost their precious beloved children. I cannot imagine your pain. You are so kind to share what’s helped you xx
To deal with a couple of things: i have been in therapy since it happened, the legal case is concluded so there’s no longer a horrific uncertainty hanging over me, just a grim certainty ha. I’m on max dose sertraline and was on mortazapine for 12 months as I literally couldn’t function. Came off that once sentencing was done.
The girls are happy with the amount of contact they have - I’d prefer less and it’s something I’m giving lots of thought to.
I think less time to brood, and more disposable income to improve quality of life, could be beneficial, ie increasing my hours. Getting the cleaner back. Joining a SEN support group. Showing the girls ‘I’ve got this’.