Can’t stop thinking about pics partner sent to “ex”

[CherryGirlAimz]

My fiancé and I are very happy together, engaged last year, live together, been on plenty of holidays together, and I help look after his daughter on weekends he has her.

however, about a year and a half ago, the mother of his child (not exactly an ex as he said she was just a sex thing to him and she developed feelings for him but he never wanted to be with her) messaged me and sent me screen shots of what’s app sexual messages and images (penis pics) my partner sent to her. It broke me at the time but partner swiftly apologised and said it was a one off moment of madness when he was working away. We had a long walk on the beach and he swore he would never do it again. I know for sure he hasn’t as after this moment he stopped communicating directly with mother of his child, she has mental health issues as it is and even tried to commit suicide after he refused to communicate with her again.

fast forward to now and we are happy and engaged, our relationship looks perfect from the outset, however I cannot get this incident from my head - I still feel insecure and jealous that he did that, and it plagues my mind often. She is very attractive and intelligent and I can’t stop feeling I’m inferior to her. He says the mother of his child is a drama queen and just wants to cause him and us misery hence why he never speaks to her anymore. I’m glad he doesn’t as I’d be worried of a repeat if she messaged him again.

my question is - when will this one incident stop plaguing my mind in my otherwise very happy relationship? I’ve not told any friends or family about it, his family don’t know of it either, I’d be too scared to disclose it to anyone I know really in case they judge partner badly for it.

Ask yourself this op….are there ANY circumstances under which you would send gynae shots to your ex? Ever?
I already know the answer…you would not.
And frankly a “walk on the beach” and him “swearing“ he won’t do it again, does not an honest man make.

I am probably in the minority when I say I believe that people can change, but it is a fact, they can and do, all the time. But this man, at this moment? Why would he? You don’t discuss it or bring it up him, what changes has he had to make, bar a few empty word? None. All the while you are trying to swallow the shit sandwich he’s served you and do it quietly? Fuck that. His behaviour was utterly appalling, you’ve allowed him to rug sweep the whole thing. He WILL do it again.

When a man shows you who he really is, believe him.

Of course she’s going to be possessive of her bloody child, when you have even said yourself he didn’t want the child or a relationship and she was “just a sex thing”

How dare you talk like that like what you are offering is somehow better?? The daughter doesn’t need a horrible trustless relationship to get a “family feel” - she will get safety and security from her mum. Who sounds like the only sane one here.

Starting to think you actually deserve this dick pic prince, since he “lets you live for free” and everything, what a gentleman.

‘The mother was too possessive of her own child’? I’m sorry but I’m team Ex girlfriend here. She sounds like she’s been treated really badly. Your boyfriend sounds a real shit and frankly you don’t come across that well. You seem very dismissive of her struggles.

He sent her sexy messages and dick pics to keep her interested in him even though she’s vulnerable because he was bored and she tried to commit suicide. The aftermath must of been traumatic for their child and he devasted you too but you decided to give him another chance. Your brain is screaming for you to see him as he truly is but you aren’t listening.

So this single mother has been on her own raising her child and has tried to protect her child from her ex’s family (you might want to think about why that is) and the whole family are calling her possessive?
You are very vulnerable moving in with him if things go south when it’s his property. Please just take a moment and think about how him and his family might speak about you if you break up?
I’m sorry you’re upset and you can of course stay with him if you want to, but he has not treated either you or his ex with respect and, if he’s so nice and she’s so awful why is he sending her sex messages and pictures of his penis?
Please take a moment to reflect about this.

His ex sounds like a good mother for not having any new partners involved in her parenting. You are out of order criticising her for that.
He's really convinced you he's a prize. Of course he's let you move in, he has childcare on tap then, plus sex and housework too? Are you saving your wages so you have the ability to house yourself in the future?
You can't forget the dick pics because you know it's a really bad sign. She did you a favour showing them to you.

too possessive of her child? Of course she is… she’s the mother and she doesn’t trust the father no doubt! I can understand this incident might seem like a one off, but the disrespect would have me running a mile. Sounds like he has you financially dependent on him too which I would consider. Sorry to be negative, but don’t waste your life when the likelihood is he’ll do it again

He's 'allowed' you to move in with him because as you said in your OP...

"I help look after his daughter on weekends he has her."

He has to keep his nanny with a fanny sweet.

Do not marry this twat and definitely do NOT have kids with him.

OP are you very young? Because what you've shared:

• he cheated on you with the mother of his child
• he minimised the cheating as a one time, digital only thing
• he speaks poorly of the mother of his child
• he's confused the co-parenting relationship to the point he doesn't have one
• he introduced a new woman to his fresh from the womb daughter
• you don't see your role in his child's life clearly. Her mum is her family, and just because her father is in a relationship doesn't mean he provides more of a family setting.
• you're in a position where you'll likely become increasingly financially reliant on him

This does not sound healthy, and your post here shows you know it on some level. Wake those instincts up. 💐

You love who you thought he was before this happened. Your feelings haven’t caught up with what you’ve learned about who he really is, that’s all. And he really is a crap bag.

Yes he’s certainly got you nicely lined up op. I hope for your sake that he’s genuine but the narrative they’re spinning about his ex is giving red flags. Have you met her? Talked to her? I suggest you do before you marry him. Most parents would want to meet the potential step parent sharing the child’s life. Don’t fool yourself that you are the new perfect family, her mother is still her family and the grown up and healthy approach is to co parent amicably.

Its telling yourself something - the plague feeling

i dont think this sounds like a happy relationship - your partner doesn’t sound like husband material. Carrying on youll be done the road in 5years wishing you had listen to yourself

Sorry, red flags are waving all over the place here and no matter what every single one of us say, you’re going to ignore it.
• they were never in a relationship, he only wanted sex from her - lovely
• she developed feelings for him - yeah, probably as he kept having sex with her and she’s clearly vulnerable with mental health issues. Lovely man again.
• he sent multiple messages including a dick pic but it was only as he was working away - so you weren’t enough for him? He couldn’t have sent you “sexy” messages instead??
• blames it all on her, as she’s such a drama queen - yeah, he’s not to blame for any of this.
• you won’t tell friends and family about it as they’ll say exactly what we have all been saying.

you need to open your eyes here.

I haven’t met her and it doesn’t look like I ever will, especially as partner has not even seen her since what happened - he was very angry at her and upset for me. When I asked to meet her when she found out about our relationship (long before what happened) - I actually suggested to partner we should be friends - he said no, she’s not that type of person who’d be friends and it’s not a good idea. Then after what happened I obviously don’t have any interest in meeting her. In the summer she did message me on Facebook saying i deserve better and thanks for being an “amazing step mum” to her daughter - I have no idea if she was being sarcastic or not but I blocked her after this as it just hit me too much knowing what happened between her and my partner.

Exactly this

the feelings you are getting is because your fighting the reality - your instincts are telling you loudly

Of course he painted her as the bad guy

this is text book stuff..run a mile amd keep running

When I asked to meet her when she found out about our relationship (long before what happened) - I actually suggested to partner we should be friends - he said no, she’s not that type of person who’d be friends and it’s not a good idea.

Lol and you didn't see that as a big fat screaming warning and question why he doesn't want you two talking??

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So your partner was ‘upset for you and angry at her’ that HE sent HER dick pics.

Gosh and then she went and proved what a Selfish B person, bad mother and harlot she was, by letting you know about the pics and thanking you for being a great step mum.

I can see where your conflict between whether it’s her or him/his family that are delusional, comes from …

You've been "in his daughter's life" since she was a 6 month old baby?!

Wow, everyone is messed up in this story. A 6 month old baby is not a parcel to be passed to the father's new girlfriend.

And you call the mother "possessive" - well frankly you'll understand better when you have your own baby.

It’s playing on your mind because you know his excuses make no sense and he’s lying to you. It won’t stop playing on your mind because his excuses will never make sense. The dick pics are awful but what he said about the mother of his child is worse. He’s shown you who he is.

The answer OP is never, you will always remember it and it will taint your future. If you can't live with it now then you then leave as it will never go away.

If she made him so miserable, and he thought she was crazy and obsessed with him, why was he sending her pictures of his cock when he was in a relationship with you?

He’s an absolute arsehole who said awful things about the mother of his child, while simultaneously using her for sexual gratification and cheating on you.

What a repellent man.

OP, your judgement is absolutely terrible.

This guy is a walking red flag and some of your comments/views are very questionable too. I don’t want to victim blame but I just can’t understand why you have allowed yourself to get into this situation. You need to get out of this relationship and grow up a bit.

I’m not excusing what he did but I do believe he is a changed man, and I do love him despite how much it hurt me, and I don’t seem to be able to stop loving him - he’s done so much good to me since and i feel myself loving him more each day

even though I’ve not met mother of his child I do know how miserable she made him before the incident - I see how stressed he got when he messaged her. And she has never spoken to his family for a long time, his mother has said she never let her hold her own granddaughter, which I do think seems extreme and unfair.