Can’t stop thinking about pics partner sent to “ex”

[CherryGirlAimz]

My fiancé and I are very happy together, engaged last year, live together, been on plenty of holidays together, and I help look after his daughter on weekends he has her.

however, about a year and a half ago, the mother of his child (not exactly an ex as he said she was just a sex thing to him and she developed feelings for him but he never wanted to be with her) messaged me and sent me screen shots of what’s app sexual messages and images (penis pics) my partner sent to her. It broke me at the time but partner swiftly apologised and said it was a one off moment of madness when he was working away. We had a long walk on the beach and he swore he would never do it again. I know for sure he hasn’t as after this moment he stopped communicating directly with mother of his child, she has mental health issues as it is and even tried to commit suicide after he refused to communicate with her again.

fast forward to now and we are happy and engaged, our relationship looks perfect from the outset, however I cannot get this incident from my head - I still feel insecure and jealous that he did that, and it plagues my mind often. She is very attractive and intelligent and I can’t stop feeling I’m inferior to her. He says the mother of his child is a drama queen and just wants to cause him and us misery hence why he never speaks to her anymore. I’m glad he doesn’t as I’d be worried of a repeat if she messaged him again.

my question is - when will this one incident stop plaguing my mind in my otherwise very happy relationship? I’ve not told any friends or family about it, his family don’t know of it either, I’d be too scared to disclose it to anyone I know really in case they judge partner badly for it.

This. You’ve bought his narrative about his ex, and you sneer at her for being single and doing things on her own with her daughter. You’ve moved into his house with no say whatsoever as to the running of it, and you’re step-parenting his kid. He’s got you strung up like a kipper.

You know what OP, on first read you do come across as destined to learn the hard way.

But then...you wrote this post for a reason didn't you.

Sometimes in life there really are cross road moments, take one turn and everything changes. Could this thread be the moment in your life you use to take the right route, the changing point for you.

You indicate a jealousy of the mum. Big boobs or skinny or some such nonsense. I wonder if it's really that you are jealous of, or deep down it's her self worth you admire. Go and be the woman you dream to be - not this. You can do it and I believe you want to.

And she was right to be unhappy about him introducing a stranger to her 6 month old daughter when he barely knew you. That's red flag number one and it strongly suggests he was very keen to get you involved in childcare as soon as possible.

This is not a good man. I wouldn't have given a man who sent dick pics and sexts to his ex houseroom a moment longer. Have some self-respect - or as others have suggested, you'll be back in a year or two crying that he's treating you like shit and you're stuck.

Run like the fucking wind

"he said she was desperate to break us up and would stop at nothing to do it"

If this was true, she'd be sending him explicit pictures, not the other way around...

You're being so sneery at his ex when she's the one who sounds like a good parent.

He sounds awful, both as a parent and a partner. You've got yourself a dud one I'm afraid. Wise up.

Can someone please go and beat this women over the head with the red flag that is blatantly waving in her face?!

Fast forward X years from now when she'll be saying: 'how could I have been so stupid?' I hope she remembers all these responses.

Get out now before you end up pregnant, your relationship is described as some 'sex thing', you suspect your OH of sending dick pics to other women and who describes you as a 'crazy drama queen'.

Out of interest, if I wanted to ‘make’ someone send me a dick pic how would I do it? I don’t think I could unless they wanted to.
You say she ‘made him’. If she had some strong blackmail info on him then OK, but other than that you are a naive idiot to believe she made him.
If he can make you believe that, then what else is he conning you to believe?

Aside from the pics I would be concerned about how he talks about the mother of his child, you only have his version of events, also you say he has ‘allowed you’ to move in and not pay bills, he sounds controlling. The pics would have been it for me though, no one in a happy relationship does this, particularly to someone he says meant nothing to him and has issues, he’s a liar that got caught.

It saddens me that some women have such low self-esteem.

I also think letting you live in his house rent free isn't the good thing you think it is, unless you are putting the money you are saving into an account for the future. Don't let yourself get trapped into an economic dependency as then it will make it much, much harder to get out should anything go wrong...

And with the red flags you have described, I'd say the odds are against you.

Yeah I think you're right. Subtle probably won't work here....and, no, I don't think anyone could've said anything to me either that would've changed my mind at the time as it's amazing how you only believe what you want to believe.
However I do think comments on here would've given me so much food for thought. If I'd have had access to a list of red flags and other perspectives such as on MN, as much as it would've hurt me, at least I would've understood far sooner what the hell was going on. As it was, I'd never even heard of the word narcissist back then (apart from thinking it was someone who was in love with their own reflection). Thank Christ we talk about this stuff now and have more understanding....I really hope something gets through to OP 🙏🏻

You help look after his daughter at weekends? How much help?
Did he not go for 50/50?
This isn’t a man I’d be wanting to father any future children. Make different choices OP.

When I asked to meet her when she found out about our relationship (long before what happened) - I actually suggested to partner we should be friends - he said no, she’s not that type of person who’d be friends and it’s not a good idea.

He doesn’t want you to meet her. Know why ? Because she’ll expose him for what he is. A lying, cheating misogynist who doesn’t want to spoil his chances with a woman who’s prepared to be grateful for whatever scraps she can get from his table. With no rights, no financial protection, provides free childcare and who he can dispose of in the same way as he did his ‘crazy ex’ the minute it got inconvenient.

Totally agree with this…my ex kept me and DSC mum apart for years. Told me she’d stab me, hurt DC, all sorts….it was all bollocks because he was scared of being found out.

When it suited him, he’d be friendly to her and then wonder why I found it odd.

Please don’t end up like me.

PS I am now the crazy ex having ploughed all my money into his business and our family.

Exactly the same pattern as with the last one.

Please stay away from him….we played happy families, turns out I was just childcare when convenient. When he wanted to hurt me or when I didn’t agree with something about DSC, he took great pleasure in reminding me that I wasn’t related to DSC so didn’t get a say.

Your partner is nice now, mine only turned on me when DC was born and he’d trapped me.

Walk away.

Her being single and focussing on her child makes her MORE of a parent not less of one because there is 2 of you.
You speak of her the way your partner would and just believe she is all that and more. I think the original incident should have been it but he suckered you back in again with all the nasty bile about his ex to alleviate your worries..

You've got a prize there and he's all yours. Keep him locked up to keep other women safe please and thank you.

You love him,but be aware this is not a good man, and he is highly unlikely to be faithful to you longterm- you don't believe it is a one-off you desperately hope it is
If you still love him knowing all this then fine.

You’ll never get over this, you need to move on. Been there, done that, it’s not good.