Can’t stop thinking about pics partner sent to “ex”

[CherryGirlAimz]

My fiancé and I are very happy together, engaged last year, live together, been on plenty of holidays together, and I help look after his daughter on weekends he has her.

however, about a year and a half ago, the mother of his child (not exactly an ex as he said she was just a sex thing to him and she developed feelings for him but he never wanted to be with her) messaged me and sent me screen shots of what’s app sexual messages and images (penis pics) my partner sent to her. It broke me at the time but partner swiftly apologised and said it was a one off moment of madness when he was working away. We had a long walk on the beach and he swore he would never do it again. I know for sure he hasn’t as after this moment he stopped communicating directly with mother of his child, she has mental health issues as it is and even tried to commit suicide after he refused to communicate with her again.

fast forward to now and we are happy and engaged, our relationship looks perfect from the outset, however I cannot get this incident from my head - I still feel insecure and jealous that he did that, and it plagues my mind often. She is very attractive and intelligent and I can’t stop feeling I’m inferior to her. He says the mother of his child is a drama queen and just wants to cause him and us misery hence why he never speaks to her anymore. I’m glad he doesn’t as I’d be worried of a repeat if she messaged him again.

my question is - when will this one incident stop plaguing my mind in my otherwise very happy relationship? I’ve not told any friends or family about it, his family don’t know of it either, I’d be too scared to disclose it to anyone I know really in case they judge partner badly for it.

Your partner says his ex is desperate to break up your relationship, but he's the one sending sexual pics to her? And you believe him? The ex did the decent thing by letting you know, and you are mad at HER? This reads like a joke, and you sound a little delusional.

Get married. You deserve him.

"Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others"
love this phrase. It’s spot on. Never heard it before.

Yeah the mum says 'your an amazing step mum' partner sends duck pics, but it's the Mum trying to break them up.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

He’s really done a number on you. He doesn’t sound like the great man you think he is and his ex just sounds normal to me. I’m not sure what needs to click to break this delusion but I hope it happens sooner rather than later so you can stop wasting your one precious life with this loser.

So he speaks about the mother of his child like she's a piece of dirt, sends her dick pic's anyway and still continues to blame her. You then forgive him like he's some prized possession while continuing to question his actions (which you should do!). I wonder what he would call you if you dumped him or set some boundaries?

Have some respect for yourself and raise your standards, not your tolerance. You would be mad to marry or stay with this cretin.

Red flags all over this.

He has treated the mother of his child appallingly. He calls their relationship just a sex thing, knowing she was more invested. Power imbalance right there. Instead of calling it off, he had a child with her! Cuts her off (she is probably heartbroken by the point), turns his family against her, convinces everyone she is mentally unstable, starts a new relationship, continues messaging and flashing his penis to the “crazy” ex (if so crazy why is he inviting her to engage in sexting?). He knows she is vulnerable and has feelings for him, there is a child caught up in the middle of all this, and yet he sends those messages (which he knows full well is messing with her emotions). He then gets caught out and blames the crazy ex, whom he was forced to send penis photos to and which really wasn’t his fault at all. It’s all on her.

I’m sorry but no. The ex is emotionally vulnerable due to the power imbalance and he has played with her and then tried to blame her. He is the one with the power here and he has abused it.

He will do the same to you one day, I am sure of it.

Oh and you’re being made financially dependent on him. More power imbalance. I hope you take a step back. There is a reason your intuition is unable to forgive and forget those pictures. This is your instinct screaming at you that something is very wrong. I really hope you will heed that, though I suspect you’ll be back here in ten years saying you’re broken and have nowhere to go as you’re completely dependent on him.

This is not a good man with healthy attitudes to women and relationships.
I hope that you are saving loads of money while you are reliant on him for the roof over your head as you will be in a very vulnerable position should he do anything like this again. (Which he probably will)

OP, this man has shown you that he is deeply misogynistic. He has treated the mother of his child with enormous disrespect. He has also treated you with utter contempt by sending the pictures to another woman. This will not end well.

You have a choice here. Stay with this man and suffer the inevitable consequences of marrying a misogynist who will always treat you poorly. Or be brave and break free, in the knowledge that short term pain is better than long term misery and that you absolutely deserve better than what this man is offering.

So which is it going to be?

not exactly an ex as he said she was just a sex thing to him and she developed feelings for him but he never wanted to be with her

Well, what a complete prince. And you want to be with someone like this? Maybe raise the bar.

I actually suggested to partner we should be friends - he said no,

Ahhh OP I just want go shake you!
You are being so naive and gullible.

Of course he never wanted you to meet her as then you’d hear her side of the story and she’d probably show you proof of him begging her to be with him.

Unless there is abuse, not many parents completely cut all contact with the other parent.
What happens if there was an emergency or just a quick question about changing days.

Hes the one sending her messages (there would have been many more) and you honestly think that it’s her that’s the crazy one who has feelings for him.

You may blindly believe him when he says it’s her that wants him etc but no one forced him to send a dick pic and there’s no excuse he can give to that.

Of course you’re paranoid because you know that he wants her and he can’t be trusted to not try and have sex with her the second your back is turned.

Its not just the messages.
Its the fact he speaks so negatively about her, he’s pitted you against her, he doesn’t have any communication with her (that you know of) and it’s the way he’s so angry with her (if he was happy with you then he’d be trying to rebuild the relationship with her and not slag her off).

Do not get pregnant with this man.

He will find a new woman (or get back with the ex) and talk about you in the exact same way he talks about the ex.

It won’t.

She's extremely gullible and naive. She also sounds unhinged. His child already has a Mother, but she is starting to sound very "The Hand That Rocks the Cradle"...

What's more, OP doesn't have her name on the mortgage after almost 4 years together, doesn't pay bills, doesn't have her own independence. She's screwed if he breaks up with her because she won't know how to financially survive after being completely dependent on this man who has very cleverly put her where he wants her. She's completely blind to his manipulation, but she's coming across as so completely dull, or weaponised incompetence that maybe they deserve one another.

If I was the Mother of said child, I wouldn't want her anywhere near my child. She really sounds deluded. Imagine her teaching this woman's child that it's OK to forgive a two-timing manipulator.

I actually disagree with this as a blanket statement. Should we also be very wary of women who say the same about an ex, either male or female? Or course not. The truth is that some people of either sex are unstable or mental, violent, controlling, emotionally abusive and manipulative or just determined to make your life hell simply for having the temerity to break up with them.

Sometimes the breakdown of the relationship alone can make people behave in a way that is mentally unstable even if they were perfectly reasonable people beforehand. You don't have to look much further than Alice Evans to see that. She's an absolute lunatic. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned has never been truer.

I think I would just say exercise caution and apply some critical thinking skills. If several of someone's exes are all apparently nuts, that should set your radar going. If they are also low or no contact with family members, ditto. If they struggle to hold down a job and say they are victimised or misunderstood at work, ditto.

Look for the evidence yourself, don't just take his (or her) word for it that one ex is mad and unreasonable. The sort of people who claim this inaccurately and unfairly are usually narcs who lack accountability for anything. This pattern will usually repeat itself throughout every aspect of their lives, their work, their relationships with siblings etc, not just their 'bitter and twisted' exes. It should become fairly obvious over time where the truth lies.

But sometimes the ex really is nuts.

He sounds likes a prince amount men, uses a woman just for sex, be-rates mother of his child. Slags her off to you and yet continues to engage in sexting with her. She is definitely not the problem here.

But it's astonishing the number of men who accumulate so called mental exes.

Ok agree about Alice Evans.

I'm just out of a relationship with a man who's now labelling me the mental ex, and his ex wife is a mental ex, so this may be clouding my judgement. There's a saying "behind every mental ex is the man who drove her mental".

I'm talking about the kind of man who uses his mental ex as an excuse for bad behaviour that he won't stop.

You should ditch him and make friends with her.

Exactly this.
They often have more than one crazy ex.
You will become a crazy ex.

The thing each crazy ex has in common is him.

How old are you, are you much younger than him?

He sounds awful and I recommend binning him asap.

It would be okay if the man was sendind duck pics! A bit strange but harmless.😃😃

’Allowed’ you to move in ? OP listen to yourself. It’s very difficult to know what you’re hoping to get out of this thread because your initial post painted a picture of an utter shitbag who describes the mother of his child as ‘just a sex thing’ and ‘a drama queen’. You’ve spent the rest of the thread trying to defend him, despite the almost unanimous advice to run..

If he knew she would try to break you up, why did he give her the ammunition with dick pics ? And if he was in a relationship with you, why didn’t he message you if he was feeling horny ? A ‘moment of madness’ is a pathetic excuse for betrayal.

How do you know she’s intelligent and attractive, and why do you feel inferior to her ? You do realise that at some point you will be a step mum to this child and there will be interactions with his ex regarding parenting. His mother won’t be there to facilitate that for ever and it’s a huge concern that they can’t communicate directly for the benefit of their child. His family are bad mouthing her and you’re already getting sucked into that - sounds as though you’re willing to believe what they’re saying because it makes you feel better about yourself.

OP I’m sorry but you need to think long and hard about this before you fully commit, otherwise it won’t be long before you’re posting here again because you’re trapped in a marriage with a cheating partner, expected to look after his child and possibly with kids of your own. And you’ve done yourself no favours by moving into a house that he owns, where you have no financial interest and you don’t contribute to the bills. What happens when you inevitably split ?

There are huge red flags waving everywhere that suggest he’s not relationship material. The biggest one is the portrait he’s painted of the mother of his child and the way he’s been able to get his family on board with the narrative of crazy, possessive of his child and desperate to break up his relationship with you. One day that will be you.

"when it happened she would stop at nothing to break us up" He sent her the ammo, if he was with you when he did that, he's the problem.

These women are manipulated. I was....I was young and naive and had poor self esteem due to childhood SA. There are always reasons. It happens to seemingly intelligent people.
These men can be incredibly charming and fantastic liars. I never felt as intensely happy and adored (before or since) in our happy moments. But that's all they are. Moments. Like a drug, you're on a high but it doesn't last and then you're having to deal with the lows/misery/sulking/'put downs'/gaslighting/being made to feel grateful for crumbs.....but,hey, at least I wasn't being SA'd and he could be v affectionate and complimentary so I naively thought that I was in a good relationship and was grateful. In reality I was being put on a pedestal only to be brutally kicked off but I couldn't articulate this, much less understand what was happening. It was exhausting and I blamed myself (much like op) for his moods (I must've made him get cross etc) and ended up walking on eggshells.....although I'd like to think I would've drawn a line at cheating/dick picks!! 🤮
I was never cheated on as far as I know during the relationship (although, in hindsight, wouldn't be surprised) so it was harder for me to understand/realise what was dreadfully "off" but something definitely felt very "off"...but I just thought it was all my fault. I wish we had been taught about red flags at school and narcissistic personality disorder but nothing like that was available growing up in school in the late 80s/early 90s.. Plus my parents' relationship wasn't great but they stuck it out so I (wrongly) assumed that relationships were meant to be something that you worked at and weren't supposed to be easy (which is true to an extent, but not to the extent I experienced or observed with my parents!)....so there are loads of reasons why I stayed in that abusive relationship from age 17ish to 31ish.
The best thing for OP is to do exactly she wants for now.....in time she will see him for who he is. She won't listen to us as she won't want to believe that he is the piece of shit that he is (and will convince herself it's a one off). Fine. She will only truly learn when the shit really hits the fan. There's nothing like the University of Life to give you the wake up call you need.
Thankfully for me I listened to my inner voice and knew it didn't feel right for me to have kids with my abusive ex (I kept thinking the time would feel right when the relationship improved but of course it never did). I met a lovely guy a couple of years later and we are now very happily married with two daughters aged 16 and 13. So there's hope for OP yet! 🙏🏻

My husband is kind and supportive. One thing he doesn't do however is send messages and photos of his genitals to other women. If you marry this man I guarantee you will regret it- my first husband was a serial cheater and it started with this kind of crap and "I'll never do it again...the woman is a bit crazy anyway....." Wake Up.