Can’t stop thinking about pics partner sent to “ex”

[CherryGirlAimz]

My fiancé and I are very happy together, engaged last year, live together, been on plenty of holidays together, and I help look after his daughter on weekends he has her.

however, about a year and a half ago, the mother of his child (not exactly an ex as he said she was just a sex thing to him and she developed feelings for him but he never wanted to be with her) messaged me and sent me screen shots of what’s app sexual messages and images (penis pics) my partner sent to her. It broke me at the time but partner swiftly apologised and said it was a one off moment of madness when he was working away. We had a long walk on the beach and he swore he would never do it again. I know for sure he hasn’t as after this moment he stopped communicating directly with mother of his child, she has mental health issues as it is and even tried to commit suicide after he refused to communicate with her again.

fast forward to now and we are happy and engaged, our relationship looks perfect from the outset, however I cannot get this incident from my head - I still feel insecure and jealous that he did that, and it plagues my mind often. She is very attractive and intelligent and I can’t stop feeling I’m inferior to her. He says the mother of his child is a drama queen and just wants to cause him and us misery hence why he never speaks to her anymore. I’m glad he doesn’t as I’d be worried of a repeat if she messaged him again.

my question is - when will this one incident stop plaguing my mind in my otherwise very happy relationship? I’ve not told any friends or family about it, his family don’t know of it either, I’d be too scared to disclose it to anyone I know really in case they judge partner badly for it.

I hate myself for it

Don't hate yourself for it. That niggling doubt is a healthy confident part of you trying to protect you. Listen to that voice. Your future self will thank you.

Oh so she forced him to send her a dick pic just to break you up? Come off it OP.

please never have a child with this sorry excuse for a man. And stop providing free childcare for him.

Please forgive me.
My crazy ex made me do it.

Unsolicited duck pic:

Oh dear. This is a wrong un im afraid OP. Look at how he's treated the mum of his daughter for starters.

I'd guess he's a liar and a cheat, certainly capable of it. If you don't break up with him, certainly don't marry him or get pregnant.

I’m not sure i’d be keen on letting the mother of a man who behaves like this hold my baby, OP. You are being very naive here. I have two adult DSs. If they behaved like this bloke I’d be horrified. All his family seem to think he’s great. He is a very long way from being great.

Please tell me this is a wind up (it probably is) because otherwise, you’re incredibly naive @CherryGirlAimz!
YOUR partner sent messages and dick pics to his ex and yet you’re placing all the blame on her?!
The way he speaks about her is appalling and if he was bored whilst working away, why didn’t he send YOU dick pics (absolutely gross) and not the mother of his child if he dislikes her so much?

Come on, wake up or stop making stories up

That has literally just made me laugh out loud! 🤣

I can't believe you can't see through this man.
Terrible language to speak about his ex/child's mother - attitude which just shows his own core to be rotten.

The sexting- unforgiveable, he's lying, twisting truth for his own benefit.

Letting you live with him, no biggie. It's his house, you have no rights, you are dependent on him, that's a win for him.

Seems like you will stay with him. Heartbreak down the road, for sure. If this is how he treats you now, pff, after marriage he will be even worse. Rotter of a man.

That’s kind of you to share @EvieBB

have you heard of the shark cage theory? We should all make sure our children are equipped with the tools to spot these red flags
https://ccp.net.au/the-shark-cage-metaphor-in-abusive-relationships/

Ah is this a wind-up? That makes more sense because your self-worth is non-existent.

You know the answer to your question, because you’re living with the reality of it, you can’t unsee it. You can’t forget it and you’re doing your best to forgive him by blaming her. You’ll never fully trust him, and you’re trading a relationship built on trust for a family unit you love.

You say you never talk about it, to him? Why? If you want the relationship to be truly happy, you need to both try counselling. Pretending something didn’t happen, pretending you’ve all moved on, isn’t working. This is and will continue to poison the well. My guess, he won’t commit to counselling. He’ll say ‘but we’ve talked about this, I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me, what more can I do or say?’. He might be truly ashamed of what he did. But it’s more likely he’s just sorry he got caught.

This can’t be real.
Surely you know everyone is gonna tell you to get rid and that he needs to speak to the mother of his child for their sake. Child trumps you.
She is not trying to split you up. He wanted to fuck her and tried it on. It won’t be the first or last time and she won’t be the first poor woman to receive a photo of his penis.
How can you ever get over the humiliation of that? Even if this was a one off (it is not). I cannot stress enough just how much you will regret not leaving him.

Normally I am quite supportive of people with low self-esteem having been one of those people myself.

But we have a scenario here where your fiance sends dic pix to his ex, and you think the people to blame are (a) her and (b) your boobs.

You’re living rent free in his house and his dic pic to his ex is living rent free in your mind. You KNOW WHY you can’t get it out of your head.

This is really sad and yiu need help, you blame her so you can stay with himm if yiu accepted the reality you’d not be able to, but lying to yourself isn’t working, hence why you are struggling,

Sorry he’s not a great man, won’t make a great husband or father in my opinion.

He called the mother of his child a sex thing.

Called her a drama queen.

Not saying she doesn’t have mental health issues but maybe his relationship with her contributed to them.

You can’t get it out of your head because deep down you don’t trust him. Your head is screaming at you to wake up and look at the relationship. You know deep down if he treats another woman (let alone the mother of his child like that) he could treat you the same.

Pick a husband and future father of your children who treats women well. Who doesn’t say a bad word about their exs (no matter how bad the relationship was).

OP, god love you but you sound spectacularly naive and so played by him.

He lined you up quickly didn't he with a 6 month old baby?
Crazy ex in the background.🙄

Of course he did.
He is not trustworthy and you are being played.

Do not get pregnant with him.
Not married and he is wisely keeping you very seperate from HIS house.....all while you provide childcare?

This is not a good man and your gut is screaming at you to protect yourself.

As others have said the pic is the least of your problems. You met him when his daughter was 6 months old I think that says it all. Imagine fast forward your pregnant with his child and next you’ll be the ‘crazy’ one who was only a sex thing. Don’t believe a word this man says. Also it’s more likely the ex kicked him to the curb not the other way around and that’s why he doesn’t want you friends with her because it’s likely she knows too much. agree with others red flags everywhere. It’s hard to see in the moment and it sounds like you have very low self esteem. Maybe get some therapy to help.

OP on the weekends he has his DC go and stay with your parents every time.

See how quickly he gets bored of you when he doesn’t have his live in nanny.

(Although I’m sure he’ll just get his mummy to do it for him).

It’s always a one off till he does it again. Don’t get pregnant and don’t marry him. He’s sleazy. Move on, it’ll be difficult to explain to people, well it won’t actually as just tell them what you’ve written here…. Move on, there are better ones out there…trust your gut here, which is yelling ‘don’t do this’ at you.

You have 15 pages of smart experienced women telling you he's a wrong 'un and to run, but you won't. The title of your post is the tiny part of your brain that isn't being swayed by the love bombing. My one piece of advice would be (if you insist on staying in this relationship) to build a good career and have a healthy savings pot, because this will give you choices.

Op I don’t know if you are still reading because this is now mainly a pile on rather than any useful kind of support. Anyway I’m not going to tell you to leave because you clearly aren’t in that headspace and whatever I think about it won’t change that. However I don’t think you should get married or pregnant until you have resolved this. Would you be able to afford some counselling to talk this over in real life?

Yes!

How he treat and talks about his ex is the same way he'll talk about you when he's done with you. Hopefully you have the sense not to breed with him.

Please forgive me! My ex's crazy ex's crazy ex's crazy ex made me do it.

I agree with this @CherryGirlAimz.

The ex sounds like she has tried to do the right thing at every juncture. Your fiancée sounds like a manipulative misogynist. How on earth has he twisted things so much in your head that you blame HER for him sending dick pics? And to protect what he has, he cut off contact with the mother of his child, who has done nothing wrong, when that will inevitably affect his own daughter for the rest of her life? That is selfish and unacceptable behaviour, that no man worth being with would do.

It seems clear from your posts you will stay with this man, and continue to damage yourself in the process by blaming yourself for “not being enough.” Reading your posts is so sad, because the only person to blame in this whole sorry saga is this dreadful man, and you still blame everyone but him and I think you will end up a shell of yourself. I hope you get a good therapist and leave this man.