Can’t stop thinking about pics partner sent to “ex”

[CherryGirlAimz]

My fiancé and I are very happy together, engaged last year, live together, been on plenty of holidays together, and I help look after his daughter on weekends he has her.

however, about a year and a half ago, the mother of his child (not exactly an ex as he said she was just a sex thing to him and she developed feelings for him but he never wanted to be with her) messaged me and sent me screen shots of what’s app sexual messages and images (penis pics) my partner sent to her. It broke me at the time but partner swiftly apologised and said it was a one off moment of madness when he was working away. We had a long walk on the beach and he swore he would never do it again. I know for sure he hasn’t as after this moment he stopped communicating directly with mother of his child, she has mental health issues as it is and even tried to commit suicide after he refused to communicate with her again.

fast forward to now and we are happy and engaged, our relationship looks perfect from the outset, however I cannot get this incident from my head - I still feel insecure and jealous that he did that, and it plagues my mind often. She is very attractive and intelligent and I can’t stop feeling I’m inferior to her. He says the mother of his child is a drama queen and just wants to cause him and us misery hence why he never speaks to her anymore. I’m glad he doesn’t as I’d be worried of a repeat if she messaged him again.

my question is - when will this one incident stop plaguing my mind in my otherwise very happy relationship? I’ve not told any friends or family about it, his family don’t know of it either, I’d be too scared to disclose it to anyone I know really in case they judge partner badly for it.

Op you are believing what you want. Another woman didn't make or trick your loving fiance into a one accident of sending explicit pictures of himself to her.. How many times have you accidently cheated on him in this way? He may well he nice the rest of the time....until he isn't, just look at the way he describes his ex. That will be you one day. I bet you £50 a wedding never materialised and you end up being turfed out of his house with nothing. Currently you are convenient childcare for him.

Your boyfriend is a walking red flag @CherryGirlAimz and you already know it. By all means marry him and fall for the absolute crock he is telling you. You already know how it will end. You could actually spare yourself more of this, but I don't think you will.

@CherryGirlAimz Think really carefully about why you have not told your friends or family about him sending them photos of himself to his ex.

Is it because you don’t want them to think badly of him? If that’s the case, then you definitely know it’s totally wrong of him to do that.

If you are embarrassed that your partner is sending those pictures, again, you know it’s totally wrong of him to do that.

If you think they’ll think badly of you putting up with this behaviour, then again you know it’s wrong of him to do that.

Your gut is screaming at you that this is NOT GOOD. But for some reason (probably because he’s done a number on you - his behaviour is abusive) you’re justifying it as being your problem.

If you are scared to speak to the people who love you, then you know it’s wrong.

You deserve better than a man who sends pictures of his penis to his ex and then blames her for you being upset!

What would you say to a friend if they told you that?

Are you deluded? It wasn't her sending him pictures of her fanny,it was HIM sending her dick pics. She isn't in the wrong here, this is why you posted and can't get over it because he's an arse deep down you know it.

If this is real, RAISE the bar OP. Ffs. 🙄

OP, run and keep on running………do not marry this pathetic excuse of a man! There’s no trust in your relationship and he has zero respect for you.

She probably got so badly treated by him, that she's decided to stay single to raise her child.

You should have a long conversation with her before you marry your fiancé. Get her side of the story.

I think your brain is having trouble “wiping” this incident because the situation is a “threat” to your wellbeing.

Him being the threat.

You'd have to believe he isn’t going to do this with her again or other women. You’d have to believe that even though he talks about her disrespectfully, that so far you have only seen her being reasonable, that he is telling the truth instead of a misogynistic narrative.

You haven’t told any friends or family about it because yes, they would judge your partner badly because of this, and they would be right. Deep down you know that, which is why you don’t want to hear what they would advise you.

His family think his ex is "too possessive" of her child? I assume that means they don’t like it that she won’t let them have as much contact as they would like. How do you know who is being unreasonable here?

He sends her dick pics, she lets you know, but somehow it’s all her fault for trying to break you up? Really?

You sound incredibly naive. You are believing without question everything he tells you and describe him as kind. What?? A kind man would not send sex photos to an ex who he knows still has feelings for him, and who has mental health problems, quite apart from what it shows about his lack of love and respect for you.

I find it very unpleasant the way you are clutching at straws to persuade yourself you are doing SD a favour by giving her a "family feel", while blaming the child's mother for not having new partners. Please!

Imagine a friend of yours told you all this about their partner, and asked for your advice. I hope you would tell her to ditch the untrustworthy swine, and that’s what you should do. Otherwise, you’ll always be wondering whether he’ll do it again, with his ex or a new woman. And I bet he will, and you will be the one he’s slagging off to his new girlfriend.

i Really really agree op that counselling would help you. It really helped me to unpick and understand what my ex was doing and realise it wasn’t all my fault and he knew what he was doing and he did it on purpose. Stopped me wanting him back. I was mourning losing our family unit for a while too as the narrative is ‘two parents are better’ I felt like I’d failed my unborn baby, but really, he had. I think his ex sounds lovely and I really want to be her friend to be honest! I think you should too via fb. if you’re scared about his reaction and him getting angry what does that tell you about how safe and loving a man he is? If he was a decent man he’d understand how his actions led to you needing more transparency and reassurance.

also, to go back to your initial question - ‘can I get over this?’
my friend has a similar situation, her boyfriend with two kids aged just bought a home with - finds out he is sexting a nurse at work. I advised her to leave as she’ll be anxious forever, but all she ever wanted was to get married and be a mum, she can’t have her own, so she went ahead to get this ‘family’

fast forward a year or two and yes she is married but no she is not happy at all. She has regular panic attacks worrying he might have hidden WhatsApp chats, constantly checks his phone. She is also the unpaid assistant of both her husband and the ex, driving all over the place to ferry them to activities etc doing all the laundry and school shoe shopping etc because she’s a remote admin worker she can be flexible where they’re medics and can’t. They both take the piss tbh. He also told her that him and his wife broke up as she had an affair, but I don’t believe him I think it was him. On paper she has her happy ever after and I’m sure she does have some fun days with her, but she had made a deal with the devil really and will never sleep well or feel peace and security. But at least she’s not single like me eh!

Saying all that op, if you do want to stay with him, do the wedding soon and don’t spend any of your own money on it, so you can get some equity in the house at least before you break up (I only condone this if it won’t impact his daughters life negatively). As you’ll need a deposit for your own flat at some point. Stop ‘giving’ to him at make the situation work for you, you wouldn’t be the first woman to stay with a cheater because the lifestyle suits but you need to be honest with yourself and have your eyes wide open if you’re doing this

Who else did he send the photo to?

Only a woman would willingly walk into a load of baggage like this and call it 'love'.

What the fuck??

The reason you can't get it out of your mind is because deep down, you know the answers. You know you're blending a life with a person you don't and can't trust.

People can be kind and still be a shit. they are multi-dimensional.

Be HONEST with yourself. You KNOW he's untrustworthy.

You're blaming her?? That's laughable. Your partner knew what he was doing when he sent her a dick pick.

Question - does he send you dick picks?

It's all a bit weird and strange OP.

Finish your degree, use him like he's used you, and then get the fuck out of there and get someone who is single, without a kid, without a mad ex and without the need to send ex's random dick picks and then try and blame her!!

What is it with women and red flags how many red flags do you want? Of course it wasnt a one off, a man slagging off his ex is a red flag, oh he doesnt talk to her now? You want to be with a man who cant and wont communicate with the mother of his children? When a women shows you who your partner is just believe her not him

Don't you want it all OP?

Not a half-arsed, dick-pick addled marriage with someone who's already got a child (who you are NOT responsible for).

Do you want your own kids some day?

What happens then? You'll always feel insecure.

An insecure basis is not a basis for marriage. You're right he can't turn back the clock and you should have dumped him the moment you found out.

But like so many women, you took him back. And now you're way down the line, much further and it's even more painful to break up.

Why did you do this to yourself? Why do you think you're worth so little?

Who taught you to value yourself so poorly? What are the relationships like in your life with the men who brought you up. They didn't do a good job.

What would your father say to you if you told him? Or your brother?

It’s very sad he cannot communicate with the mother of his child and to be honest I would not have children with him.

You will never trust him and you are not a family unit as the child isnt yours and he should be making you feel your body is gorgeous, you sound very insecure and how will you feel pregnant and after you give birth will you be worried he will go off you because if you do you are with the wrong man, you should feel 100% secure and it appears you dont and why is she saying you deserve better its because you do

I know you say you have low self esteem, I'm sorry about that - you really do sound delusional though.

Just meet her. Get to know the mother of his child....away from him. Hear her out. Do your research before making any rash decisions like marrying him FFS! It all sounds extremely toxic

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

Marry this joker and you'll be back on here in a few years with a baby in tow and he will be fucking about behind your back and he will turn it around it's your fault being tired,busy with baby etc and not enough time for him blah,blah,blah.

This fool has shown you who he is..take the hint.

also part of me feels the mother is the one who made him - and I feel so angry at her for it - but then I also know he had a choice and surely he shouldn’t do it himself if he loved me like he says. and then I’m also blaming myself too - is it because my body isn’t good enough like hers? She is thinner than me and has big boobs and I feel like if I’d been enough for him he wouldn’t have done it. So I’m beating myself up too

How did she make him send the dick pics? Did she hold a gun to his head and threaten to shoot him? Did she say she'd hire a hitman if he didn't send pictures of his penis?

He sent dick pics to another woman (irrelevant who it was) while he was in a relationship with you. Get rid of him.

But I can see why you won't - because you are living with him in his house and he's paying the bills and mortgage.
I don't think you are going to leave this prize prick so I would suggest you make sure you are financially secure with a decent amount of savings for when the inevitable happens and he does this again and you either decide you've had enough and want to leave or he decides he wants you to leave so he can move on with someone else.

Red flags all over the place here.

And when the ex said "In the summer she did message me on Facebook saying i deserve better and thanks for being an “amazing step mum” to her daughter" , she meant you deserve better than that asshole.

You make lots of excuses for your partner. That’s the biggest red flag to me. Followed by his behaviour. Followed by him speaking badly of the mother of his child, you not being allowed to communicate with her, the list is endless. It’s definitely not everybody else’s fault here, is it?

If it wasn’t an issue, you could talk about it openly couldn’t you? With him or friends/family?

By the way, please don’t feel sorry for my children. My husband works away a lot, so it is me and them mostly for our days out, clubs and education. We’re ok though, in fact we love being our little team with ‘just one adult’, have a brilliant life and we love when dad gets back and joins us too (but it doesn’t mean my days with them were worse). Please don’t feel sorry for me either, I was raised eventually by the woman who kicked the dickhead into touch and got rid and made sure I learnt never to accept anything less than I was worth. Family life was amazing, just me and my mum 🥰

She is allowed to be cautious about you. Her baby was young and suddenly there was another person who she’d never met that she was just supposed to trust with her baby!

You don’t know her side of things with his family, plenty of us have MIL issues with them overstepping and not respecting how we want to raise our kids etc. You don’t know why she didn’t want his mum to hold DC, that just sounds like something that has been twisted into something it’s not.

She offered an olive branch and you blocked her based on your partners comments. I would have met her for a coffee. You don’t need to be friends, but maybe meeting you would put her mind at ease, got you off on the right foot and it would be nice for DC that she can see you being civil to one another.

Whilst it’s not good “girlcode” to get involved with someone you know has a partner, you have no idea what he was saying to her that led to that - He definitely led her on though for dickpics to be sent.

I’m sorry that you don’t like the comments on here, but they are coming from people who have been in similar or worse situations. Some people have been in your situation and ended up hurt, others have been in her situation. We can spot the red flags a mile away.

She may well be “crazy”, but you can’t take his word on that, it’s not your experience of her. Personally, I would not have met any young kids for a long time and I would have offered to meet the mum first. I would like to find out about the kids from her perspective and reassure her that I wanted it to go well and set some boundaries around what we all felt comfortable with.

The reason you can’t get over the pictures is because his explanation isnt sitting right and deep down you know it. You can paint over it with everything else that’s wonderful about him, but it isn’t going to go away.

OP has not been back for several pages now and has not posted on any other threads.