Can’t stop thinking about pics partner sent to “ex”

[CherryGirlAimz]

My fiancé and I are very happy together, engaged last year, live together, been on plenty of holidays together, and I help look after his daughter on weekends he has her.

however, about a year and a half ago, the mother of his child (not exactly an ex as he said she was just a sex thing to him and she developed feelings for him but he never wanted to be with her) messaged me and sent me screen shots of what’s app sexual messages and images (penis pics) my partner sent to her. It broke me at the time but partner swiftly apologised and said it was a one off moment of madness when he was working away. We had a long walk on the beach and he swore he would never do it again. I know for sure he hasn’t as after this moment he stopped communicating directly with mother of his child, she has mental health issues as it is and even tried to commit suicide after he refused to communicate with her again.

fast forward to now and we are happy and engaged, our relationship looks perfect from the outset, however I cannot get this incident from my head - I still feel insecure and jealous that he did that, and it plagues my mind often. She is very attractive and intelligent and I can’t stop feeling I’m inferior to her. He says the mother of his child is a drama queen and just wants to cause him and us misery hence why he never speaks to her anymore. I’m glad he doesn’t as I’d be worried of a repeat if she messaged him again.

my question is - when will this one incident stop plaguing my mind in my otherwise very happy relationship? I’ve not told any friends or family about it, his family don’t know of it either, I’d be too scared to disclose it to anyone I know really in case they judge partner badly for it.

@EvieBB
is there anything anyone could have said to have made you realise it was him that was the problem?
I know people are saying this is a pile on, but I think everyone is just trying a different angle to see if something will get through. I’m not sure you can be subtle with someone who has blamed the crazy ex for stalking him after he sent a dick pic to her.

This in spades. He is blaming her for his behaviour much like abusers everywhere.
You are worth someone who does actually care about you.
I have just read all ops updates and cannot believe you are still blaming her for him sending a dick pic. How is that even possible?
I recommend counselling for self esteem issues. Having all your bills paid is not worth putting up with this nonsense.

Sadly OP if it's not the ex it will be someone else. He doesn't respect you (or women at all, it seems!)

He was angry at her because he sent her pictures?

OP, can't you see how disgusting, cruel and exploitative this man is?

And not this poor little girl you claim to care about has parents who can no longer speak about to each other - all because her dad is a sex pest and her dad's girlfriend puts her own jealousy over a small child's well being.

Be with this disgusting creep if you want. But the little girl is the one who should come first her, so if you do anything other encourage her parents to have an amicable co-parenting relationship for her sake, you are a behaving like a selfish dick. Your petty feelings of jealousy aren't as important as a child's emotional well-being! Who cares if you can't get over it, frankly? If you choose to stay with a man who sends dick pics to his ex then blames her, you deserve everything you get.

What would it take for someone to make you take off your jeans, take off your underwear and get your phone take an intimate pic and send it. How would that work? How little agency do you think he has? Think about how you could be convinced or someone else could convince you. And then consider his role and her role again.

He's shown you who he is.

Your posts are so sad to read @CherryGirlAimz , especially you thinking he is a changed man.

Changed from what? Being caught out? He didnt even have the love and respect for you to protect you by warning you of what he had done. You have had to cope with the shock and horror of this woman contacting you and telling you what HE had done!!!

That isnt love. That is a vile, selfish man who now knows he can do whatever he likes, say sorry, and you will accept it.

Fgs raise your bar

Oooh dear, I would be more worried that he was using a woman with bad MH just for sex. Even when she was obsessed with him and the situation mixed her up so much, she became suicidal. And then didn't even have the decency to wrap his penis 😬 Maybe he thought it was to gorgeous to wrap, considering the photographs?

Maybe your hang up on the photos, is your gut trying to tell you something? He sounds like he has an unpleasant and worrisome attitude towards other people / women.

I also read your post where you claim to "feel sorry for the children of single parents".

Do you have the slightest idea how offensive that is????

My daughter has absolutely no need of your pity, thanks. Her dad and I are no longer together but we communicate effectively and politely as co parents - we somehow avoid sexting each other - we spend time together on some occasions so that our daughter knows we will always be family though not together, and ALWAYS put her needs first. Neither of us are foisting a stranger on her as a pretend family relatuonship. (We have boyfriends/girlfriends but we don't cohabit with them, and primarily see them when we were not with her).

I feel sorry for the girl in your situation - and am staggered by your claim that you "go above and beyond for her", when you are a key part of the thing that will harm her most - stopping her parents communicating effectively. Must be so extraordinariky horrible for the poor little girl, and will only get more painful as she gets older I suspect.

If you want to go above and beyond for her, remove yourself from the situation, so that her parents can concentrate on being just that.

Why don't you get some counselling for yourself, before you make a decision about what you want from life? Then if you do marry him, you'll know it's the right decision and that you made the decision unblinkered. It can help you make peace with his past behavior, and help you identify the reasons for your low self-esteem and work towards improving it.

It doesn't sound like you're in a good headspace at the moment. Whatever you decide to do going forward with him, don't spend the rest of your life with this dick-pic thing hanging over you, and feeling low and inferior to others x

I'm struggling to believe this is real. If it is - OP, you need therapy, you clearly have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. This man is taking advantage of you.

Get rid. He seems good at blaming others for his poor behaviour.

It seems to me like you deserve each other... good luck!

And she has never spoken to his family for a long time, his mother has said she never let her hold her own granddaughter, which I do think seems extreme and unfair.

Just as "unfair" as him using her just for sex, it seems. He didn't want to make a family with her, he just wanted to fuck her. Lovely family values there!

She tried to commit suicide. Did he tell you that?

I bet they weren’t just a ‘sex thing’ . I bet they were in a relationship like you are now and he cheated and they split up . But that’s not going to be the story he tells his next victim is it.

Jesus wept 🤦‍♀️ so he used the poor woman for sex, dumped her when she developed feelings for him, he knows she has mental health problems yet he chose to jeopardise the co-parenting relationship by sending her pictures of his dick and sexual messages? What an absolute tosser he is 🤮

Have you ever thought that rather than being jealous and wanting to break up your relationship out of spite, she was actually trying to warn you about the kind of man you are marrying? That she's actually trying to save you making a big mistake?

Honestly, if you marry this bloke, good luck because you'll need it. You have a lifetime of worrying, feeling insecure and suspicious, checking his phone etc ahead of you.

Just focus on the nice holidays and forget the fact that he basically cheated on you, uses you for childcare and thinks his Dick is worthy of adoration

Why are you blaming her for what he did? She didn't force him to get his dick out and send her pictures - he chose to do that!

You need to have some therapy to address your low self-esteem. Maybe then you won't be so grateful for the attention of this awful man.

You want to marry a man who describes women as “sex things”??
sends nudes to women while he’s in a relationship?
and would hide those secrets until he’s caught?

im not calling you stupid but you have choices. Why would you choose him?

Surely anybody with anything upstairs would be “Thanks for the memories, I’m on my way now”.

are you waiting until you are pregnant and married and saddled to this man forever ?

this is not love.
this is not how loving people act.

stop trying to change him or wait for your trust to materialise. He has shown you exactly who he is.

you now choose to leave and start fresh with no baggage or stay and accept your position. Those are literally the only two choices.

from somebody who has been in this sitch and never had the balls to leave- you are allowing this man to destroy your life.

posting on mumsnet wont fix your situation. You need to cancel your wedding and move out. Go through a few months of feeling crap and then move on and enjoy the rest of your life with a real man

I promise you that he is being very well-behaved right now because he wants you to play the mother role with his daughter, keep his house and warm his bed. That's why he was so apologetic and seems to have reformed.

Once he has a ring on your finger he will slip back into his old ways. He will leave all the domestic tasks to you and expect you to do everything for his child. If you have children with him it will be the same. And unless you are on the deeds of the house, one day he will leave you for another woman and refer to your relationship as just a sex thing.

LTB.

This.

Why why why are you blaming her for HIM sending an unsolicited dick pic?!?!
He has no respect for you, or her, and this type of nan never will.
You are basically there to do the child are for him.
Get out now while you still can.

Spoiler - you end up pregnant in a year
he gets bored after changing three nappies
you discover he’s seeing someone else
he describes you as
“just a sex thing”
”never loved her”
”mentally unstable”
uses your child to solidify relationships with new partners
drags you through the courts to make himself look a hero
you end up broken with all of his baggage and no support to parent, all whilst painted the villain.

did you not ever consider he was lying about the mum?

You're incredibly naive to think that she is in any way the problem. HE is the problem; a walking, talking, red flag problem that sends dick photos to his ex's, doesn't co-parent properly, treats the mother of his child like rubbish (including insults her) and generally is rather unpleasant.

I bet a large part of her 'mental health issues' are down to him and the way he has behaved.