Dilemma - son moving out due to partner

[user1492635465]

Hi, I’m in such a rubbish situation and could do with some advice.
I’ve been alone with my son for 5 years, he’s now almost 23. My partner moved in with us in October last year, son initially unhappy with him moving in but accepted it

two weeks ago we had an argument, our first and wasn’t a big argument, no shouting, wasn’t heated

now son is saying he hates parter and doesn’t want him at home and if he stays, son will move out.
I desperately don’t want my son to leave but I also feel I need to make choices for me now and I want my partner at home

advice, thoughts, opinions welcomed

He didn't like this man arguing with his mum, he's protective and he's been the man in the house since he was 18 and sees himself in that role, not the new partner.

Not sure who you’re addressing, but I’m not the op, and all mine have left! I’m just pointing out that, following your comment that op’s son is 5 years behind schedule, in the real world, it is definitely not commonplace for 18 year olds to leave home and find themselves house shares unless they are away at university. Of all the school leavers I have known (a fair few over the years through my 3 dc), I’ve not come across any who have properly left home at 18. Except the one who had to find himself alternative accommodation when his mother buggered off to Dubai! He was then sofa surfing for a while at friends’ parents houses. Nowadays it’s the norm to live at home till your early 20s, to save money, given the extortionate cost of even renting, in lots of areas. I would guess that the majority leave when they are with a partner and can afford to.

Your son should find a house share, not least for his own good. He clearly needs to experience living with other people as adults and equals.

This reads like your son has had you wrapped around his finger, and now realising this can no longer happen.

Is her son is a grown man and op has the right to make her own decisions ,a grown adult child has no right to dictate a parents decisions ,just like a parent has no right to dictate a adult child's choices .

I think it depends on the argument @user1492635465 . If your partner is a walking red flag and showed his true cards in the argument, your son is not being unreasonable. If it was just a normal, healthy argument, tell your son you'll be sorry to see him go but it's his choice.

I know they're weird as fuck. I thought I was on the more extreme end by choosing to never bring a partner into my son's life while he is my dependent, even though my marriage ended when he was a baby. I fully agree with not moving another adult into a child's home.

But at 22/23? There is a point where it's natural to not put your grown adult child desires ahead of your own.

Christ on a bike, I've seen it all now. Some of you are crazy if you think that a woman shouldn't have a partner to appease a 23 year old.
When my children turned 18 & 20 I had the cheek to get married AND move away from my home town. Unfortunately I can't get rid of the buggers and they came with us 😂

Agreed! And about time too. Who says to their parent’s partner : ‘you have taken my job’ at the sight of the partner making them a cuppa?’

even if the son was joking a little bit, which clearly the op does not think he was, it is an OTT thing to say in those circumstances .

At 23 he wants it to be just him and his mum? Is he Norman Bates?

Hi, no not connected at all. I met partner a year after separating from my ex

Because I divorced his dad. He’s still alive but chose not to maintain a relationship with his son

And I totally agree with this. This is the first man I’ve introduced my son too since his dad and I divorced. It’s not like he’s seen a string of boyfriends come and go

I’m a bit astonished at some of these responses - OP’s DS is 23, how old does he have to be before she’s allowed a life of her own - 25? 30? 50? How many years does she have to be seeing her DP before it’s not “too soon”? Frankly I’d let the bossy man child move out asap, time the apron strings were cut.

Sounds like a good opportunity for your son to move out and be independent. Sounds like it might be time at 23 to do this - regardless of you having your partner living with you.

At 23, your son can find his own accommodation if he’s unhappy. He’s an adult.

Unless your son is in some way vulnerable and incapable of living an independent adult existence, it is perfectly ok for a 23 year old to move out. If this was happening while he was 15 then that would be really problematic but he is no longer a child to be shielded and you are a fully valid human being with every right to pursue a relationship without your son's approval. 23 year olds should be keen to move out and make their own way in the world and their parents should support that. Neither should see it as a threat of something negative.

I was thinking the same. Depressing indeed. Her home, her life, her choices, & let the son leave... that's his choice, too. He's not 15.

This young man sounds like he's struggling with his mum not needing him as much any more, he's perhaps taken on some form of self imposed responsibility for her when she became single when he was 18 and this has become part of his identity. He's feeling displaced and usurped. But the whole "man of the house" thing is such toxic masculinity nonsense. You're not the man of anything at 18. My eldest is 19 and God love him, he's a lovely wee lad and in many ways extremely sensible and responsible, but he's also still clueless in others!

The answer to his issue isn't to go back to the way things were - that's going backwards. He's 23, not 18 needs to go and be independent, find out who he is, find his own partner, not be making drama over who makes his mum a cup of tea in the morning. That's not healthy. Booting the partner out to appease him and carrying on that rather exclusive mother-son dynamic isn't going to help him grow up and live his own life. If you're happy with your partner OP, then you've a right to move forward with your life. It's OK for things to change. He's an adult.

Not what you are asking but....

He’s still alive but chose not to maintain a relationship with his son

Its one thing being a wimp and copping out and walking away from a baby you dont know... I think that circle can be squared its not personal its them not you..

this man raised knew and loved (?) a child for decades....and then at 18 /19 turned around and evicted him from his life.
this kind of rejection is deeply personal and deeply wounding stuff.
Like deep therapy ...it is a pivotal rejection.

I get the point your son hasnt got the right to issue "just us" ultimatums but this is fairly pivotal info that is glossed over.

You def have a right to your own life but I think there some displaced emotions here which id be sensitive to / help your son navigate.

This.
You're entitled to a life of your own.
He should find a house share and move on with his life, rather than expecting things to stay the same forever

I agree, but my DD is 18. Would I have a man move into our home, no. But that’s my own choice. I think its time this young man did move out as he cannot seriously expect his mum to ask her partner to move out as her 22yr old son is jealous.

Parenting post 18 can be as hard as parenting under 5.

It doesn’t matter that you desperately don’t want your son to move out. Your job was to create an adult who can and does live independently and contributes to society, no matter how much he wants it to me him and mummy.

You might be doing him a favour by getting him to stand on his own two feet.

This.

Totally agree.

Yes it's harder now to afford places, but at 23 he will find his own way.

I left home at 18 and never went back. It was scary but I made a life for myself. Can't imagine being stuck at home home with my mum complaining about her partner at 23.