Dilemma - son moving out due to partner

[user1492635465]

Hi, I’m in such a rubbish situation and could do with some advice.
I’ve been alone with my son for 5 years, he’s now almost 23. My partner moved in with us in October last year, son initially unhappy with him moving in but accepted it

two weeks ago we had an argument, our first and wasn’t a big argument, no shouting, wasn’t heated

now son is saying he hates parter and doesn’t want him at home and if he stays, son will move out.
I desperately don’t want my son to leave but I also feel I need to make choices for me now and I want my partner at home

advice, thoughts, opinions welcomed

Any chance YOU can move to your partner's place? That way you have your privacy, your adult life and your son stays in his home and you do not have to compromise in such an awful way?

You and your son's relationship sounds very unhealthy. He should be interested in having relationships with women/men his age but he's stuck in the Œdipe phase: in love with his mother and jealous of her partner.

It's time to put in some boundaries @user1492635465. You have been living too long together in a partnership that he needs a nudge to leave the nest. Or you kick your partner out and you live with your in this semi incestuos relationship forever 🤷‍♀️

Jealousy is a destructive and pointless emotion. Your son needs to deal with this as I think this is what it is.

Enjoy your life OP, and if your son won't talk and listen to reason, have to remember he is an adult himself and he makes his own choices. So if he really wants to leave, let him. Make sure he is aware though this is 100% his choice and not to let him blame you.

As a daughter who lived with my mom until I was almost 30 to try and help her pay off her house, I stayed waaaay too long and our relationship has improved immensely since I left

Is the son in education or work? If not, why not? Where does he invest his energy? Bringing coffee to his mother cannot be his 'job' except in fun! Can he go abroad on an English language teaching or foreign language learning programme? Can he join the RAF? Does he have a range of friends? What is he doing with his life? Has he ever had a romantic partner?

Family counselling might be an idea.

Not ‘most kids’ I know.

People struggle to cope every single day. Stress is extremely common in day to day adult life.

There are some healthy ways to cope with that stress, having adult conversations where you communicate your struggles and your needs, but there are many very unhealthy ways people deal with stress, trying to control other adults around you to behave in ways that match your comfort as the son is doing, is an unhealthy way of dealing with stress.

Any chance YOU can move to your partner's place? That way you have your privacy, your adult life and your son stays in his home and you do not have to compromise in such an awful way?

And who would be paying for that? If the ds is living in the house alone, can he afford to pay all the bills? Or would the op be expected to pay for a house she no longer lives in, plus contribute to expenses at her partner's house?

Your son has a lot of growing up to do.

Why would you have been angry? I really don't understand that. Do you think parents cannot have a life?

Fgs, WHAT am I reading here ??
Meanwhile in the real world...

So what happens then? He finds himself a partner moves them in maybe has a couple of kids, because mum doesn't need the property? I mean he sounds pretty entitled anyway, so that would be the logical conclusion.

68% of 23 years olds in the UK live in their parents home. The OPs situation is the norm for a sizable majority.
I agree the OP shouldn't have to make her decisions around her sons preferences, but the fact he lives with her is perfectly normal at his age and not an indication he is less independent than most. He is much more typical that 23 year old renters of shared houses.

Has your son had any help with his dad disowning him at 18? That is likely affecting how he is behaving now

Had my exh's mum done this she would have never moved her partner of in. H left home at 45 and was back with his mum and her new husband at 47 when I divorced him.😐
How old were you when you left home Fed?

I think you should sit your son down and say to him that you agree he should move out if he's not happy living with you any more. You can help him look for somewhere to live and you can keep in touch and still meet up, etc.

I suspect you will find he was bluffing.

@DownyBirch there is moving out of home at 18 (although many young people can't afford to do that nowadays) but still having contact with your parents, and then there is your dad not having anything more to do with you at 18, they are both very different scenarios, and the latter one would be devastating in most scenarios.

I was ready to come on and say you need to prioritise your child, assuming they would be 12 or something. But he's in his 20s! Honestly its probably time for him to get some independence so would encourage him to move out so hopefully relationships can improve all round

At 23 your son should be looking to move out and support himself. He does not like your partner as he is taking your attention away from him. His bubble has burst & is now being forced to move away from his likely very cushy number he has living with you.

Honestly it is your life and home as well as his. But you are entitled to have a partner in your life and home. You son can either adjust or move - at 23 probably time for the latter.

Exactly. If her son meets someone and wants to move in with them, is he going to accept the OP telling him he can't? Absolutely not!

Exactly what I was thinking. I'm almost always on the child's side in these things - but usually the child is under 18/20.

At 23/24 it's weird - time for him to move out and grow up. At the moment he's not great boyfriend material - it might help him be more appealing to others rather than being some sort of mummy possessive weirdo. And obviously this is now you time, enjoy x

I never think partners should come before children but in your case I do. Your son hasn't got a legitimate reason and that's my main issue.

That's a very new phenomenon.

Yup, the son doesn’t get to dictate. Tell him you’ll always love him, always have a spare bed for him, but if he wants to move out now, you understand. Your partner isn’t going anywhere.

Or after a year or 2 the son gets a girlfriend and moves on with his life, and his mother is then left on her own, struggling to find a decent man in the hellscape of online dating. Regardless of the boyfriend, the son needs to move out and become a real adult.