Dilemma - son moving out due to partner

[user1492635465]

Hi, I’m in such a rubbish situation and could do with some advice.
I’ve been alone with my son for 5 years, he’s now almost 23. My partner moved in with us in October last year, son initially unhappy with him moving in but accepted it

two weeks ago we had an argument, our first and wasn’t a big argument, no shouting, wasn’t heated

now son is saying he hates parter and doesn’t want him at home and if he stays, son will move out.
I desperately don’t want my son to leave but I also feel I need to make choices for me now and I want my partner at home

advice, thoughts, opinions welcomed

Your son is 23, not 13 - if he’s not happy with you having a partner then he can move out and support himself like a big boy 🤷‍♀️

He’s a grown adult FFS!
OP, I’d be telling him that he’s more than welcome to move out and you’ll help him look for his own place if he wants. Do NOT let this man-child control you.

Yes he's a grown adult and he can move out whenever he likes but I can see why having his home life upended by another bloke moving in could be difficult for him. I think I would want to support my kids to move out in their own time before moving a randomer in.

It's sad your DS does not accept your partner. I think I'd take him out to lunch and tell him I love him so much but I also know he'd likely be finding his own partner and moving out very shortly. There are so few good men out there for older women and you genuinely thought your DS would be pleased for you to have found someone to love and care about you. Tell your DS noone will ever take his special place in your heart and you would really like him and your DP who both say they love you to make an extra effort for you. I'd tell DS you have loved the time it was just you and him and you don't want that to end on a sour note. I'd ask him to stay until and save up a deposit until he was ready to buy his own house.

Very few 18 year olds move out on their own unless at uni then still home on holidays.

So how old does her DS have to be before the OP can prioritise her own happiness? 24? 28? 30?

In your world maybe not in mine

Nailed it.

You live in a world where the majority of 18 year olds can afford to move out and to finance their own rent or mortgage independently? Whereabouts is that, then?

Son is 23, he does not get to insist that his mother can't have a serious relationship simply because he is is unhappy. If there are valid reasons why the man being abusive or something ok, but not because "he isn't happy".

@user1492635465 he is old enough to move out so it would actually be better for your relationship if he does and either he realizes life outside isn't as easy and comes back with acceptance that you have a right to a relationship or he finds his feet on his own and you continue your relationship in a healthy manner.

My view is on the assumption that there isn't some backstory about your partner.

Its not a world where boys go straight from their mothers mansions to renting or buying their own bachelor pad.

Its a world where men go and get themselves a room in a houseshare.

Im sorry if you have raised a man baby but you are not going to convince anyone here that its normal to have a 23 year old man living in your house and telling you what to do with your love life

Its not about the age. Its about the history of the relationship and the specifics of their situation, the DSs other relationships and finances. Obviously its not as straitforward as kid turns 23 and gets hoofed out in favour of new shag.

He’s not being “hoofed out” - he can stay if he wants to, but what he can’t do (as a grown adult) is expect to dictate his mothers’ relationship and whether she lives with her partner of 5 years or not.

If he’s unhappy, he can find a house share somewhere and move out. I’m sure he’ll soon discover how expensive that is and how living at home with mum’s boyfriend isn’t so bad after all 😉

Perhaps he should stop behaving like a controlling man. He should be mature enough to understand that his mum is entitled to having a relationship. He's not being kicked out, he is issuing ultimatums because he doesn't want her to do that. It's not a good move.

Either your sons dislike of your partner is irrational and unfair or it’s based on something more tangible e.g the way he treats you/him, or his past behaviour. Only you know which it is.

If his dislike is unreasonable then you need to have an honest conversation about the changing dynamics. He needs to accept change is a normal and appropriate part of life and you need to accept that having change imposed on you can feel distressing. Neither of you are wrong but you need to find a way forward that doesn’t blow up your relationship.

if there’s something else going on then you need to take responsibility and fix it.

I can see why having his home life upended by another bloke moving in could be difficult for him

Most 23 year olds live in shared rented accommodation where people move in and out all the time. They just get on with it.

You've done nothing wrong OP. He's 23, past time for some independence.

From the sounds of it your son’s dynamic with you is a bit unhealthy and him moving out, living more independently will be good for him

Unless there are concerns from your son about your partner’s treatment of you, at 23 years old he is old enough to understand you have a right to a personal life

this.

id also ask if there were any concerns about anything in your relationship with this man that were upsetting your son. anything he's overheard or anything else.

that way you can address this. or indeed consider the points he raises as you may not have noticed behavioural patterns that he has or may be being manipulated by this new guy and dont want to see it as you want a partner…

if you argued with dp and your son isn’t used to seeing that you can explain that it’s ok to argue as long as nobody’s being violent or disrespectful.

I would say I’m very child focused, stay at home Mum, extended breasting, cosleeping well past the age most parents would consider and I have kids with SEND so I know they maybe at home longer than most but the bloke is 23! If he isn’t happy with who he is living with then he sucks it up for cheap rent (is he financially and practically contributing?) or he moves out.

Don't let your adult son dictate your life. You says hes been considering getting his own place. Tell him to do it

😂😂😂 this is her partner whom she has been in a relationship with for 5 years. Hardly some ‘randomer’. But hey, let’s not allow facts to get in the way of hyperbole eh?

BTW, I have a family member who decided he didn't want mum remarrying. He didn't want anyone to take his dad's place. Mum gave up on that, he then married and mum sat at home by herself for the rest of her life.
I hope he was pleased with himself.

Your son is 23 years old, so it’s about time he was independent. You can’t have expected him to live with you forever.

I wouldn’t want to live with some other random adult I had no attachment to (which, to your son, is what your partner is) so it’s not surprising that he’d prefer to move out. But that isn’t a bad thing because he’s 23 and ought to be moving out anyway really. It’s not a reason for you not to have relationships!

Eww at all the "mommies" on here who would actually put their love lives on hold for a 23 year old son 😂
And then we wonder why all the women on MN are struggling with coddled, selfish man babies.

Exactly.

Because her son is an adult and is welcome to pay rent elsewhere rather than accepting a free ride from his mother and by the sounds of it controlling her life.