Dilemma - son moving out due to partner

[user1492635465]

Hi, I’m in such a rubbish situation and could do with some advice.
I’ve been alone with my son for 5 years, he’s now almost 23. My partner moved in with us in October last year, son initially unhappy with him moving in but accepted it

two weeks ago we had an argument, our first and wasn’t a big argument, no shouting, wasn’t heated

now son is saying he hates parter and doesn’t want him at home and if he stays, son will move out.
I desperately don’t want my son to leave but I also feel I need to make choices for me now and I want my partner at home

advice, thoughts, opinions welcomed

And if OP makes her DP move out due to her son? If that relationship breaks down due to OP letting her son call the shots?

Might that not damage OP’s relationship with her son (and definitely her partner!!) as well?

And what would that teach her son? That he’s allowed to dictate who his mother lives with? Who his mother allows into her space? Not good…

Your son is an adult. If he doesn't want to live with you and your partner then he can move out.
He's old enought to make his own choice and weigh up the consequences.

On the other hand, what was the argument about? And might your son have a good reason for "hating" your partner, even if it's something you haven't noticed or considered yet.
I read somewhere that you should always take note of the first thing you argue with a new partner about because that will be the thing that continues to be an issue over the years. So maybe a bit of reflection on your part as to what the argument was about and what the solutions are and then open and honest discussion with your partner about it.

I wouldn't let your son call the shots though!

You say your son has been talking about moving out and being independent for the last two years. And yet you also imply that you are desperate for him not to move out.

Wouldn’t it be better for your son have your support and encouragement to find his feet as an independent young man instead of having your son and lover fighting over who is to bring you coffee in a morning.

You need to confidently lead him to deciding what sort of life he wants. He can’t live tied to your apron strings much longer without permanently damaging his motivation to get on with his own life.

Support him to move out OP. It’s the natural order of things and a very normal step to take, hard as it might be for you. It means you love him and want to see him happy. It doesn’t mean you are rejecting him, far from it. Neither does it mean you are choosing one over the other.
Your son needs to experience the thrills and knocks of life on his own, away from your guidance now. Have faith to allow him to make his own mistakes.
Be reassuringly positive about it. I know it’s hard to suddenly change your mind set.

Yes, you deserve a life of your own. Of course you do.
But it’s going pear shaped because you are hanging on for dear life to both men.
So discuss it all with your lovely son and make a plan.

The adult son is jealous and seems to see OP as a surrograte 'partner' -that's not healthy either.

I'm not sure that would be the case, but he HAS been the man of the house for at least 5 years, and I'm sure OP has relied on him for emotional support since divorcing his dad when it was just the two of them for a while, normally that would form a really close bond between the two of them, them against the world sort of thing, especially with an absent dad. Their living arrangements, how much they rely on each other and how they spend their time together become part of that.

It's like when you are best friends with someone, then they get a new boyfriend and you don't see them for dust, they don't need you in the same way they did before as that new partner now fulfills some of the roles they used to rely on you for.. it's perfectly natural for it to be that way, but the 'rejection' can certainly sting when it happens. You could distance yourself from that friend for a while to get over it, but it's not like you can distance yourself from your mum when you live together, you are feeling that rejection in real time.

IMO the onus should be on the one who has changed the relationship to make the transition as smooth and pain free as possible.. it doesn't mean you give in to demands, but "like it or lump it" is not fair either. If OP has fostered a co-dependent relationship for years with her son, when it was just her and him, she needs to be sensitive that moving a partner in will not exactly be an easy transition for him.

I agree with other posts stating they wouldn't move DP in while adult son lives at home. If my mum or dad had done so while I still lived at home I'd be angry.

I can’t help feeling sorry for your son. Yes I know he’s 22 and an adult and you’re obviously entitled to your own life but by moving your partner in, you’re making it your son’s life too, whether he likes it or not. Would you want to live 24/7 with any girl he was in a relationship with? Not many 22 year olds are financially independent.

It’s your home, but it’s your son’s home too!
I would keep my relationship with my adult child over a partner.

If he was 16 I would say move your partner out but he’s 23 years old… moving out is probably a good thing. Unless he has some SEN or additional needs that mean he can’t live on his own.

Oh look, a new variant on "you're retired but don't want to save us money by looking after our children 5 days a week, so you'll die alone".
How terribly selfish of a woman to have a life partner (and God knows good ones are hard to find when you're middle-aged) when her son has only been an adult for the last 5 years and wants to continue living off his mother.

Well i grew up with parents who always told me i was allowed to come back home if life was hard and i did a few times. Once with children of my own.

I know i would choose my son over a new man any day, but at the same time i dont appreciate people controlling each others lives.

Its tricky. 20 somethings arent very rational sometimes. I would have a very good honest talk with the son. The relationship between mother and a child is forever and more important. Relationship between two grown ups can end any time.

Do you think the son has the right to treat his mother's house as his for as long as it suits him to do so? Till he's 30? Till he's 40? Till she dies of old age and he inherits it? And I very much doubt that he's paying his way.

I'd be asking your son how he sees your life when he moves out and leads his own.

Most young people move out after university, and somehow continue to have a relationship with their parents. They move on with their lives, live with a boyfriend or girlfriend, focus on their work and their peer group. They become - you know - independent adults. Having a good partner as you grow older is hugely important OP - don't risk losing that relationship. Have a grown-up conversation with your son, who doesn't seem to want to move on with his life and become self-sufficient. Isn't it time for him to stretch his wings?

Your son sounds very immature. I think moving out will be good for him.

I remember when my first husband left, my son (only child) was 17 and he said 'I'm the man of the house now'. I put him right in no uncertain terms - no, you are still my child not the 'man of the house' but I do know he felt very protective of me. Perhaps your son has felt the same, that he felt he had to step up into that role so sees your new chap as the cuckoo in the nest.
It needs addressing for everyone's sake so I think I would take your son out for a coffee and explain that he will have the chance to live his own life on his own terms and you have the same rights too. This is your chance to build a happy future for yourself as your son will also do one day. In the meantime it's a new situation and compromise and adapting will take some time as everyone finds their place.Tell him he will always be your son and you will always have a special relationship as mother and son, not as partners.
My son doesn't particuloarly get on with my new partner but treats him with respect as someone who makes his mum happy. That is the position you need your son to get to - be patient, it takes time.

BUT if he ends up moving out because he feels pushed out by you and your new partner that might damage your relationship with son permanently.

Oh look, yet another thread where a woman is supposed to let her adult or near adult son walk all over her for fear of damaging their relationship.

in your shoes I would have just slept at DP place for about 5 nights a week, keeping my own place and letting DS stay for a few more years.

How would that work financially? Would op have to bear the cost of keeping her own home going while also contributing to living costs at her dp's home? If she was a man, MN would be expecting her to contribute at the dp's house.

And ds still wouldn't be making op's coffee in the morning in that scenario.

I also hope that if the son expects to have a say in who lives in the house, he makes a significant contribution to the household expenses, more than just a token amount.

Could anyone tell me at which age it would be appropriate for a mother to bring a partner into the house? I mean the age of the child. It seems that many think that no mother should ever have another marriage or live in partner.

Your son is adult he should move out anyway . It seems to me he needs a talk with , he needs to understand children leave the nest and it’s not fair for you to be alone just to make him happy .

It’s ridiculous. According mn users never , a woman has children therefore had no right to a live life. Not even when the partner is a great person 🙄.

Question for you - do you think he means it?

I'd normally side with the child in these circumstances but in this case I agree with most of the pps - at 23, he needs to go live on his own and be independant now.

Your son’s relationship with you sounds really unhealthy. He will never develop healthy relationships of his own if he is completely dependent on you for emotional sustenance and able to blackmail you into doing what he wants. What sort of partner/husband will he be if he continues to be this selfish and thinks ultimatums are the way to resolve conflict?

Unless you want to be still living with him when he’s 40 then stop pandering to him and let him move out and start building a life of his own.

!00% Some mums on here aren't doing future partners /wives any favours.
Who in turn will be on here in a few years time moaning about their mil and their useless partner /h.

New shag, hardly, she's been with him for 2 years 🙄
Saucer of milk?

Well i grew up with parents who always told me i was allowed to come back home if life was hard and i did a few times. Once with children of my own.

my mother (still!) tells me that as well. :)

I am absolutely not against that. But how is that relevant? OP isn’t saying that her DS can’t stay or wouldn’t be allowed to return.

I am simply saying that she shouldn’t let her adult DS dictate her private life or let him enforce these kinds of boundaries!

And an ultimatum? Wow, how controlling!

Yeah, a 23 year old man has zero right to coerce/influence his mum into not having a live in partner. As long as partner has done nothing wrong. Which he doesn't seem to have.

I hope she doesn't do his laundry, buy and cook his food, clean up after him or not expect any payments towards the house? That goes for the son and the partner.