Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Dilemma - son moving out due to partner

191 replies

user1492635465 · 01/03/2026 02:30

Hi, I’m in such a rubbish situation and could do with some advice.
I’ve been alone with my son for 5 years, he’s now almost 23. My partner moved in with us in October last year, son initially unhappy with him moving in but accepted it

two weeks ago we had an argument, our first and wasn’t a big argument, no shouting, wasn’t heated

now son is saying he hates parter and doesn’t want him at home and if he stays, son will move out.
I desperately don’t want my son to leave but I also feel I need to make choices for me now and I want my partner at home

advice, thoughts, opinions welcomed

OP posts:
Justbloodydoit · 30/04/2026 08:13

Holdinguphalfthesky · 30/04/2026 06:53

I wonder if there are a couple of separate strands to this?

Your son's dad cut off a relationship with him. Did you divorce because of domestic abuse, or your ex H's addiction, affair, anything like that?

If so, perhaps son is concerned about you to the point of being controlling, that you'll be hurt again.
Perhaps he learnt to be controlling from dad.

Perhaps he is concerned ( consciously or unconsciously) that you too will cut contact with him, that you'll replace him in your life with this newish partner.

Maybe he has an eye to inheritance? Does new DP have any children?

Perhaps it's a combination of these factors?.

I agree, unless some other issues afoot, this seems t have hit the nail(s) on the head.

Uberella · 30/04/2026 08:17

My son is 22 is married with two children and a house of his own.Your son needs to grow up
and move out.You don’t need to be your life on hold for him.

VictoriaEra · 30/04/2026 08:23

TreatyPie · 01/03/2026 08:34

In your world maybe not in mine

Show quote history

most of my friends have adult children still at home. It’s lovely.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Luckyingame · 30/04/2026 08:27

Hope "your man" is worth this situation.
That's all, otherwise I would have to be vulgar.

DownyBirch · 30/04/2026 08:29

Adelle79360 · 30/04/2026 07:42

I think people are being mean about the son. He’s been abandoned by his dad and had another man move into his home. It’s ok to find that difficult - he’s only 23, he’s not a child but he’s still young and trying to find his way in the world. OP don’t be harsh with him, he’s making it clear that he’s struggling and that he needs some support right now.

You can’t go backwards by getting partner to move out, you need to sit and have a proper chat with your son and tell him you understand his position but that this is how things now are for you all. That you’ll support him if he really does want to move out but that he’s welcome to stay and you’d like to try and make this work for everybody. Don’t just dismiss him, that will push him away.

FFS, he was 18 when he was "abandoned", not 6. Most kids of 18 are anxious to move away, not to keep Mum to themselves.

Bananalanacake · 30/04/2026 08:30

Does your son work and pay towards bills and food, maybe he's worried he'll have to pay more in rent and bills if he moves out.

DownyBirch · 30/04/2026 08:32

Luckyingame · 30/04/2026 08:27

Hope "your man" is worth this situation.
That's all, otherwise I would have to be vulgar.

Go on, tell us what you would say if OP came back and said Nah, he's not really worth it, I just can't be arsed to do anything about it? I want to hear how on earth you would be "vulgar".

DownyBirch · 30/04/2026 08:34

Unfortunately I'm reminded of all too many threads on here where women start going out with middle aged men who live with their mothers and everyone's shouting at them about red flags.

loislovesstewie · 30/04/2026 08:36

Luckyingame · 30/04/2026 08:27

Hope "your man" is worth this situation.
That's all, otherwise I would have to be vulgar.

When do you think it's appropriate for a parent to start a relationship? It seems that never would be too soon for some. The son is 23 for crying out loud, he could be married with a child at that age.

YourOliveBalonz · 30/04/2026 08:38

I would be the first to say ‘put your children first’ but your son is an adult, and actually I think the best thing all round (including for him) is to move out. I don’t think his possessiveness or jealousy of your time and attention is particularly normal at his age. Might do him good to cut apron strings and make his own life! I’m not saying there is anything wrong with living at home at that age, that is normal, but he should be preoccupied with his own stuff.

As there are no legitimate concerns with your partner I think you should reject the ultimatum and gently point out that his attitude is unfair. You aren’t abandoning him but you deserve your own life!

tipsyraven · 30/04/2026 08:41

Fairlydust · 01/03/2026 07:25

I’m not sure I would have let him move in if your son hates him. It wasn’t starting off well. Your son does sound jealous and controlling. Had he witnessed that kind of male behaviour before? Personally I think 2years is quite quick to move in. Perhaps it would have been better to move out together into your own place once son had found somewhere too?

2 years quick to move in? Seriously? The son is an adult and OP is entitled to a life of her own.

Drumrollpls · 30/04/2026 08:45

Well there are two things here:
Your son is a grown up and it would be healthy for him to gain independence now.
BUT if he ends up moving out because he feels pushed out by you and your new partner that might damage your relationship with son permanently.
Just something to really consider and have an honest talk about.

Beachtastic · 30/04/2026 08:51

Your son has a lot of growing up to do, and moving out sounds like a good start.

You don't want him turning into Norman Bates!!!!!

YourOliveBalonz · 30/04/2026 09:01

Beachtastic · 30/04/2026 08:51

Your son has a lot of growing up to do, and moving out sounds like a good start.

You don't want him turning into Norman Bates!!!!!

But a boy’s best friend is his mother!

😂

StandingDeskDisco · 30/04/2026 09:15

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 30/04/2026 05:22

Not what you are asking but....

He’s still alive but chose not to maintain a relationship with his son

Its one thing being a wimp and copping out and walking away from a baby you dont know... I think that circle can be squared its not personal its them not you..

this man raised knew and loved (?) a child for decades....and then at 18 /19 turned around and evicted him from his life.
this kind of rejection is deeply personal and deeply wounding stuff.
Like deep therapy ...it is a pivotal rejection.

I get the point your son hasnt got the right to issue "just us" ultimatums but this is fairly pivotal info that is glossed over.

You def have a right to your own life but I think there some displaced emotions here which id be sensitive to / help your son navigate.

Edited

This.
DS should not be calling the shots, but you need to help him with this rejection.

I see DP already moved in last October, so too late for my suggestion now, but in your shoes I would have just slept at DP place for about 5 nights a week, keeping my own place and letting DS stay for a few more years.

What kind of accommodation did DP have before moving in with you?
I hope it was stable, secure, private and decent.
As MN says, there is no one more 'in love' than a man needing a woman's house to live in.

Largecatlover · 30/04/2026 09:15

My son is also 23 and living at home with me and his sister. We have been very close but recently he has been quieter and a bit resentful of me. He has even snapped at me sometimes which he never has before. I have looked this up and it seems 23 is the age where they really want to become independent. He talks about moving out although he can’t afford it at the moment.

I think your son is also reaching this independence stage and this was to be expected that it would happen at some stage ( hopefully!). Although he is using your partner as an excuse he may have lots of other feelings going on that are making him think about moving out and take more independent control of his life and future. I have just tried to back off a bit and let my son be who he wants to be. He already does all his own cooking and food shopping. My job is almost over. I know he can live safely and independently without me (even though I don’t want him to really) .

SwatTheTwit · 30/04/2026 09:21

@user1492635465 i was in the middle of commuting before but just to expand, DD had exactly the same reaction.

However after 4 years of a relationship i was fed up with waiting, in the current climate most young adults just aren’t in a rush to move out. After all that guess what? She didn’t move out. She knows she has it good with me.

I get it’s a huge deal for them, but it’s also a huge deal for me, I haven’t lived with anyone for 10+ years.

Gemtastic · 30/04/2026 09:26

GoldilocksIsALittleSod · 01/03/2026 07:42

Your son's thought process sounds a little creepy to me to he honest.
You say it has been just you two for the last five years so he was already 18 before he 'got you all to himself'! It isn't like you were on your own with him since he was a little tot, the man was already an adult.
At 23 he should be out making a life for himself, not arguing with another man about who can make you a coffee in the morning!

I agree.

He needs to start building his own life and not depending on you for his social life and entire social support system. Why do you ‘desperately not want him to leave?’. He’s an adult and should be becoming independent.

Have you been leaning on him because that’s not fair on him.

coulditbeme2323 · 30/04/2026 09:33

TreatyPie · 01/03/2026 08:07

Eww at all the "mommies" on here who would actually put their love lives on hold for a 23 year old son 😂
And then we wonder why all the women on MN are struggling with coddled, selfish man babies.

Time for your son to grow up and make his own way in the world, hes already 5 years behind schedule

You expect an 18 year old to make their own way in the world?

AprilMizzel · 30/04/2026 09:35

He's 23 - it your house he has options and is very much an adult. Also when he starts looking he may decide to stay anyway. I'd make it clear he's very welcome to stay but he doesn't get to say who lives in your house.

I'm not surpirsed by some of the answers - we'll likely move for work when youngest is 21 - few years away - even if we stay here and I like the house and area we'd be better near center - I've seen so much outrage over years about moving from family home it's insane. My remaining parent is stuck in a village with that thinking and siblings treat the house as theirs in many respects - even trying to tell her who she can and can't have in it.

Aliceinmunsnetland · 30/04/2026 09:35

BollyMolly · 01/03/2026 07:42

Couldn’t you have waited a few more years until your son was ready to move out of his parents home of his own accord? It seems very selfish to force someone, adult or child, to have someone move into their home against their will just so that you get to have your boyfriend around more often.

Just remember that when you need your son in future, you chose your partner over him, He is unlikely to ever forget it

What if the son never moves out ? Many are staying at home longer and young men in particular find it harder to leave it's a known fact.
The adult son is jealous and seems to see OP as a surrograte 'partner' -that's not healthy either.
OP is more than entitled to her own life with a partner she loves. She said they've known each other for 5 years and together for 2. It's hardly a new relationship of a couple of weeks and her son is not a child who needs OP's full time attention.

SandyHappy · 30/04/2026 09:36

I had a relative go through this sort of thing, she moved her partner in when the kids were around 20 ish, after being divorced for 5 years, it was quite a sudden transition, the kids don't really like the partner and I don't think the partner really likes the kids much, they all just seem to tolerate each other, but they are all still there, rubbing along, 10 years later.. the kids show no signs of ever moving out.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 30/04/2026 09:39

user1492635465 · 01/03/2026 16:56

And I totally agree with this. This is the first man I’ve introduced my son too since his dad and I divorced. It’s not like he’s seen a string of boyfriends come and go

Show quote history

Your son is 23, he’s an adult. And what is your son suggesting? That he’ll never have a relationship, that he’ll never move out?

It can’t just be “you two” for the rest of your lives. It’s not healthy…

I think it’s time to (gently) tell your son that you are both adults and that you both deserve to be happy (and that includes a partnership for many people). Tell him that he is free to stay or move out, that you’ll support him either way etc.

OfficerChurlish · 30/04/2026 09:40

Why is it that you "desperately don't want" your son to move out? I understand you'll miss him and of course you don't want him to feel forced out, but you say he's been talking about wanting to move out and be independent for some time. He's old enough; if he can afford it it'll likely be a good experience for him, and you can certainly tell him he's welcome back any time, if things don't work out for him elsewhere or just for a visit when he wants. He's been free all this time to tell you if there's some reason he feels unsafe or uncomfortable with your partner, but you've seen no issues and he has not told you anything. He's trying to disrupt two other people's lives quite substantially just to have things exactly his way. It's not reasonable for him to give you an ultimatum like this.

Jk987 · 30/04/2026 09:42

Are you sure he can’t hear you having sex? That could be a reason…