Whats your quiet freedom after leaving an abusive relationship?

[Lex25]

I just read an article about the quiet freedoms that come after you finally break free from an abusive relationship and I was thinking how my favourite thing for me is coming in from work and not having to talk for an hour or so until I am ready. I was never allowed this in my relationship I had to sit and breakdown his day and it made me dread leaving work.
For most people who leave the abuse doesn’t stop instantly so it’s still stressful and exhausting but the little wins do help.
I wondered what other quiet freedoms people have after leaving ?

So you got me thinking, there is no single answer, there is no short answer,

Why did I stay?
Because emotional abuse is subtle.
Because you didn’t know you were being abused.
Because telling someone they make shepherds pie wrong isn’t abuse.
Because if you are upset that they said you made the shepherds pie wrong it’s because you can’t take criticism. And you are self reflective so you think about it and maybe you are too sensitive and need to be thicker skinned and not over react so much. And maybe you did cook the onions for too long and maybe you could try a different recipe.
Because if they then said they never said anything about your shepherds pie, even though you remember it clear as day, you remember where you were, you remember how they said it, you remember when they said, you remember how it made you feel, how you talked to your friends about it because of the way it may you feel, but they said they never said it so maybe you do misremember.
Because it’s not just your shepherd pie that they criticize.
Because they never say you can’t see your friends, it’s much more subtle, they say they feel sad that you give your friends more attention than you give to them. And because you are an empath you take on their feelings and you don’t want them to be sad so instead you feel a bit sad that you don’t see your friends as much but you are making them happy because that’s what you do in a relationship – you make the other person happy – even if makes you a bit sad.
Because they don’t say that you can’t see your family, it’s much more subtle, instead they say that they feel lonely when you go to your family. And you are the empath, you take that burden on and you drift away from your closest support network.
Because you are told you don’t make enough time for them but you spend so little time on yourself that when someone asks you, what would do if you could go and spend an afternoon doing anything, right now what would you do -you can’t even think of answer because you barely even know what you could do for yourself anymore.
Because they said you are always in a bad mood and you know that you are in a bad mood a lot of the time and they must be right and you try to be in a better mood but it’s hard because you are looking after the kids and they are at the football or at the pub or in the shed or in the garden or they need to pop to the shops to get something, and you haven’t had an adult conversation all weekend but you also haven’t been alone because even when you go to the toilet a child shouts mummy, but it is your fault if you are in a bad mood.
Because if you criticise them it is deflected back on you, why do they put dirty dishes in the cupboard- because you didn’t rinse them before they went in the dishwasher, why haven’t they noticed the child has wet themselves – because you didn’t tell them how to, why is the milk left out over night- because you forgot to tell them to put it away, and it builds up and said with such conviction that you start to think yes it is my fault I am supposed to remind you put the handbrake on before you get out of the car because if I don’t it will be my fault but then if you did remind him to put the handbrake on on the car you are talking to him like he is stupid.
Because “that’s all in the past will you stop going on about it”
Because “that’s nothing to get upset about”.
Because “that’s your fault”
Because “you are so controlling”
Because “you never back down about anything”
Because who would believe you, who would believe that Mr do-any-thing-for-anyone would be an emotional abuser.
Because you always get angry whenever there is a conversation you always get angry, and you say that getting angry is a perfectly normal response to being lied to but then you are a horrible bitch.
Because you spend ages on your phone looking up to see if you are the abuser because you did shout back and you did tell him to fuck off and because every argument plays out in your head on repeat over and over again, and maybe the problem is you maybe you are the horrible person and if you try to leave they will tell everyone that what you said that time in that row about why he had spent just spent the savings without asking you and you were very angry that day.
Because you have normalized it, because your neighbour said her husband was shit with the kids when they babies and it got better, because your friend said that her husband never changed a nappy and at least your husband did that, because your colleague deliberately stays in the office until bathtime is over and you think this is just how men are, this is just motherhood.
Because how many times have you heard a woman question if she is a bad mum? And how many time have you heard a man question if he is a bad dad?
Because even though you are good at your job and your kids are loved and doing well, no one ever tells you that, you only hear the negatives, the things you didn’t and it’s hard not to believe them.
Because you haven’t even noticed it was happening, because it didn’t happen overnight it chipped away at you over and over again and there is no one point that you can define or pin point or say that you changed or they changed. Because when you told your friend that you were thinking of leaving they said that they had noticed that you had lost your effervescence, and that was the moment that you realised you had.
Because hope dies last, because you are eternally hopeful that they will change.

Amazing post @Beaniebobbins

I have another one to add. Ordering a cheeky maccas for tea with no snark … because I want a maccas.

I cried reading this. How to protect your children? Teach them that signs early on in the relationship are not things to gloss over and when their partner does something which seems out of character and then quickly switches back, that they are in fact seeing a side of them that is present and there.

Beanie bobbins, totally been there with knobs on, and seeing it laid out in your post makes me sad, and also how could and did i live like that for 39 years !!!

@Beaniebobbins fantastic post 👏👏

If there was an award for Post of the Year, that epic post by BeaniBobbins above would win it.

Agree, briliant statement for choosing to live alone and how corrosive and subtle domestic abuse can be.
Brave lady Beanibobbins, i hope your life is calmer and free now.

This would be a really good post for all victims going through domestic abuse to read. To know they are not alone and identify the signs. Because abuse is so subtle and confusing.

Thank you @Beaniebobbins for taking the time to articulate so clearly what so many of us have been through and how insidious it is

The freedom to slob on the sofa looking like a mess without someone judging me

Wow. Just wow @Beaniebobbins . Your post is so thoughtful and powerful. I feel fortunate to have read it. Thank you.

Thanks for the support, I was following this thread because I’m still in the thick of it (I’m horrible to live with but he’s refusing to leave) and I was looking for inspiration for the light at the end of the tunnel to keep me going. I’ve been wondering myself how I ended up here and I’m still trying to make sense of it all. I do have professional help but I am looking forward to the day when can crack my eggs open using a fork rather than on the side of the bowl without anyone poking their nose in.

Keep dreaming forward, that day can come, sometimes it takes awhile, but it will worth the wait.

I’m one week free. My quiet freedom is enjoying the peace and lack of tension… realising I how much I modified my behaviours to avoid the moods, the silent treatment and the worry about how much he had to drink. My freedom and peace of mind is truly priceless.

Hoping you get your light at the end of the tunnel soon @Beaniebobbins

Not having to lie completely still when I woke up in the morning or put off getting up for a wee for as long as possible because as soon as he sensed I was awake he would be trying to have sex with me. Also pretending to be asleep when he came up to bed for the same reason. Though he’d often shine his phone torch in my face to see if I reacted. He’d grope me so much that I’d be gradually shifting away and end sleeping with one foot on the floor because I had so little space where he just would not let me be.

He wasn’t violent, just sexually coercive.

Not being shouted at for not using the right knife or saucepan and then lectured about how to do it properly.

Not being sworn at.

Not worrying about being late and having to have a ‘good enough’ reason for being late.

Not having to plan everything around football fixtures on the tv and his schedule in general.

Being able to eat what I like and not be told “woah you must have been hungry, you ate that so fast/ I can’t believe you can eat so much”.

Being able to eat anything in the cupboard without being shouted at for eating ‘his foods/snacks’.

Being able to listen to my own music or the radio. It was always his music: the same songs always.

Being able to go to bed whenever I like.

Being able to watch what I like on TV or films I like without being told they’re not his thing or acting shocked when something I recommended was good. Scroll on phone or file my nails whilst I watch tv. Was told off for doing other things whilst watching TV. We had to watch something every evening.

Going for a shower when I like and not having to check it’s ok to have one and having to tell him if I’m washing my hair “as it takes too long”.

Not having to keep the peace on or just before family days out or holidays so that he wouldn’t get grumpy, start a fight or threaten to cancel the whole day or holiday.

Redecorating the house and doing maintenance jobs. He refused to do any redecorating and wouldn’t let me to do any (or get a decorator in) as we’d be moving soon and it was a waste of money. He would say I could decide on any furnishings as he couldn’t be bothered with it but if I did anything it would be criticised.

Arrange furniture or the kitchen counter how I like. Rearranging the toaster position in the kitchen would result in a lecture about how it didn’t work there.

Not panicking about the house being a bit messy when he came home and having a reason ready. Funnily enough, my house is so much tidier now he’s gone but I was always told I was the messy and chaotic one.

Not wondering if he’s cheating on me or looking at porn. Turns out he probably was doing the former and was doing the latter excessively.

Not having to feel pressured into having sex every now and then to stop the pestering.

Not having to pretend everything is ok with my family and friends or making excuses.

Not being criticised for everything I do or don’t do.

Not flinching and panicking when he starts a sentence with “I’m not having a go but…”

Not having to try and keep arguments or lectures contained so my little one wouldn’t hear.

Thank you for sharing everyone. Some of the experiences you’ve described here as unimaginable and yet as this thread proves so commonplace. I wish you all a peaceful life.

Wearing dangling earrings

Nowhere near as bad as what some of you describe, but I cannot wait to no longer have the "walking eggshells"/"what have I done wrong now?" feeling. Just close the door to my own home and feel at peace.