Whats your quiet freedom after leaving an abusive relationship?

[Lex25]

I just read an article about the quiet freedoms that come after you finally break free from an abusive relationship and I was thinking how my favourite thing for me is coming in from work and not having to talk for an hour or so until I am ready. I was never allowed this in my relationship I had to sit and breakdown his day and it made me dread leaving work.
For most people who leave the abuse doesn’t stop instantly so it’s still stressful and exhausting but the little wins do help.
I wondered what other quiet freedoms people have after leaving ?

ExDP insisted that eggs that were going to be made into omelet or scrambled egg had to be passed through a sieve before cooking! He said it was to get rid of the ‘grit’. When I gave him unsieved scrambled eggs and told him that I had sieved them, he didn’t notice.

Not been accused of going out for food when I was at the gym
My phone not being tracked.
Being a counsellor to his needy family
Listening to him moaning about work.
Not paying for all big things because he had a gambling issue
Not paying for my own maternity leave.

Being able to do what I wanted of an evening, instead of having to put the knitting and the book down because hecwanted me focusing on the TV programme with him.

Not having to keep an eye on the clock in order to be back from town/Sainsbury's/ wherever FIVE MINUTES BEFORE I said I would be in, in order to be able to answer the phone to reassure him I was home when he rang FIVE MINUTES BEFORE I said I'd be in, to check whether I was home yet.

Being able to knock a glass of water over without being shouted at and told I'm a retard

Being able to go to bed when I want.

AE1: wearing make up again and feeling free to see friends wherever and whenever.

AE2: eating what and when I want. Looking after my house in my way. Closing the front door and knowing it's just us and it's safe. Bliss.

Buying whatever I wanted. I was super skint but needed stuff for my flat and got the chintziest bedding, a pretty light shade with a bow on it, a pink kettle. I dialled it down over time but it was the hugest treat to be able to buy and have nice things. Also not worrying about his fucking awful incredibly dysfunctional family, I never heard from or spoke to them again after I did my flit, the relief was immense. I wonder if they ever wondered what happened.

Being able to go on a night out without the fear of him kicking off with someone and ending up with his head kicked in or vice versa.

Just being able to "be"...

Freedom to simply do nothing if that's what I want to do.

If I wasn't doing something, exercise, reading, listening, anything at all I was lazy, or stupid.

I'm neither of those things.

Oh there is so much. It's been 4 years for me and I still feel so light going to bed and waking up with nobody next to me. It's probably my favourite parts of the day and something I absolutely dreaded for years with my xh.

Otherwise, it's not having the TV on all day on the weekends. He would just get up, make tea, switch on the TV and then sit there for hours stewing in his musty sleep smell. I especially hated it on nice sunny days.

Another thing I enjoy is not having to smell his cooking. He never cooked for us as a family but whenever he got into fitness, he did this off and on, he would cook copious amounts for panfried chicken and salmon several times a day but everything was always absolutely cremated and the cooker had constant fat splatter everywhere.

Enjoying my children’s play noise without worrying it will make him angry

the pain free hair washing thing too. He used to drag me about by my hair a lot

cooking what I like not his unhealthy restrictions

leaving the washing up till morning. Leaving an empty cup on the side

Control of my own money.

decorating how I like. His sofa was fucking hideous and filthy

sleep

Two that I was intensely aware of in the moment:

1. Standing with my trolley in an aisle of the big Sainsbury's, realising I could buy whatever I wanted to eat and feeling bewildered because I'd forgotten what I liked!
2. Sleeping spread out, like a starfish 😊

It’s been over 27 years for me, but I can still remember being terrified of being late home from work, even if it was just 10 minutes late, because he would accuse me of having an affair.

Also spending too long on the phone with my Mum. He’d be pointing at his watch after 5 minutes, and after 10 minutes would just take the phone off me and end the call. This really stings as she passed away, and what I wouldn’t give to have a long conversation with her now, he stole that time from me and I’ll never forgive him.

Him deciding what we were all going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Hitting me, kicking me, punching holes in doors, smashing glasses at the wall, having tantrums about the smallest inconvenience. It didn’t matter if I had a baby or toddler in my arms.

This all happened in my 20s, and by my 30th birthday I knew I needed him out my life if I was going to have any life at all. I don’t how I ever summoned up the courage but I told him to leave. He was having an affair anyway, so he had somewhere to go to, but he still didn’t like being told to get out.

I hope all the women who are reading this thread and feel stuck in a miserable, toxic or violent relationship can summon up the strength to leave, or even better, throw him out. I promise you it will be the best thing you will ever do. Having peace in yours and your children’s lives is just so incredible. ❤️

A peaceful house. No fear of arguments for no reasons. Not crying on my birthday. Family occasions not being ruined.

• Painting my rooms all the colours of the rainbow. 😊
• And listening to the radio without someone constantly turning it off.
• Flinging the windows open on sunny days.
• Eating veggie chili, without anyone rooting around in it looking for meat.

And dancing with ds in the kitchen. 😁

Many years ago now, but being able to dance in nightclubs and wear bright colours.

Not having to constantly say "how high?" every time he said "jump."

Letting the dog on the furniture.

The first night without him, I called her to me and we cuddled in bed all night.
I never saw the point of not letting her on it as her fur just managed to get everywhere anyway.

Taking my Dad up on his offer of a dishwasher.

My ex always refused that offer saying "if you have a problem with washing up, get the children to do it" (they were his step children and quite young - pre-teen). He would never do the washing up himself.

When I finally moved out and got a place of my own, I reminded my Dad of his offer of a dishwasher and bless him, he honoured it! I named it after him...

Just being able to be myself. He was constantly telling me that I spoke differently around certain people, or that I was acting differently.
Being able to go out with friends without being accused of all sorts.
Not walking on eggshells in case I set him off.

Not treading on eggshells or dreading seeing his car in the drive. Also just being able to just ‘be’. Not filling up the weekend with day and weekend trips (that I inevitably had to do all the packing/ unpacking for.) just sitting in my lovely home, reading, listening to a podcast, doing little bits and pieces to the house, or just doing whatever I want.

Just being me.

Buying a bath mat. A previously not allowed purchase.

No more kids or I sliding on the floor. Cried when I lay it down and the kids didn't know what it was. Its all tatty now but it stays.

This has made me very emotional. In mostly a good way. The freedom in our home now to be noisy, eat what we want, when we want, leave the dishes to soak overnight. No eggshells. Not listening for how he turned the key to decipher his moods. None of us having to apologise for things we hadn’t done and days of stonewalling. Pink things everywhere now. The music is freedom. Thanks for starting the thread. I never take mine and my kids’ freedom for granted x