Whats your quiet freedom after leaving an abusive relationship?

[Lex25]

I just read an article about the quiet freedoms that come after you finally break free from an abusive relationship and I was thinking how my favourite thing for me is coming in from work and not having to talk for an hour or so until I am ready. I was never allowed this in my relationship I had to sit and breakdown his day and it made me dread leaving work.
For most people who leave the abuse doesn’t stop instantly so it’s still stressful and exhausting but the little wins do help.
I wondered what other quiet freedoms people have after leaving ?

For me it was being able to walk the beautiful country lane to work, knowing his car wouldn't appear to check i was actually going to work. I can remember the bird song, celebrating my peace with me. 30 years ago now but I remember that so clearly.

For me it is having basic peace and quiet. He didn’t work, constantly had the TV blaring and was always in the house. He stealthily took over every room with his hobbies so there was nowhere to go for downtime.

I now enjoy quiet reading, relaxing with my cats, watching what I want on the TV. Simple pleasures that most take for granted

Wearing make up.

All of the above, the freedom of waking up at the weekend and knowing I can do what I like and go where I want without him constantly checking up where I am. Also knowing I will not have to spend the day trying to predict what will set off a bad mood and three/four days of silent treatment. Also know that I will feel safe in my own bed without him pressuring me into sex I didn't want, and he won't be coming home drunk and argumentative.
The freedom is amazing and well worth the financial hit.

Being able to move furniture around without someone sulking for days in end afterwards.....

Wearing what I liked, jeans and comfy underwear instead of stockings and suspenders, and not being criticised for allowing my pubic hair to grow.

Making my home look lovely and having financial freedom. He was financially abusive and we weren’t ever allowed to spend money on anything that didn’t benefit him. The house was literally falling apart by the time he left.

Parents - not having to please them or walk on eggshells. No gaslighting or triangulation of other relationships. Being myself and not being criticised. Realising I can cope without them, though sad that I've a family shaped hole in my life. Realising that some people can't change.

Oh - and no more silent treatment or failure to apologise and just power past poor behaviour.

I can relate to most of the previous posts. Being able to listen to whatever music I want, watch TV (or not even turn it on) and not feel sick and overwhelmed every time I walk into the house, anticipating a big drama because someone left a cup in the sink or put a bag in the wrong place.

Strangely enough it’s only since being in a healthy relationship that I can see just how bad it was. When I react to normal things with the response created from years of constant stress, my DP is initially confused and then horrified at the realisation that some people behave so badly.

All of the above, large and small, but the one I still relish every meal time is being able to cook and eat what I want knowing it hasn't been added to and not having to be fawningly thankful for a slice of toast. And knowing that there will be peace afterwards, no hours long but oh so subtle put downs of everything I dared to cherish or just like.

Not coming home and being scared I would find him dead.

Peace. beautiful peace. Not having the TV on constantly.
Not dreading seeing the car lights arrive outside.

I have had that sense of relief and freedom after the end of every relationship, not just abusive ones. Humans weren’t meant to live in small brick boxes with a stranger for years on end.

Not walking on eggshells and not having to think before i speak, not being afraid and enjoying being me.

Being able to roll over in bed whenever I wanted and not having to be careful in case he felt me move, because if he did, he'd kick or punch me. It was a long time before I would roll over without thinking, because it had become so ingrained to take extreme care.

I also vividly remember the first time I washed my hair without any pain (he used to bang my head against the wall almost daily). It's something I still appreciate every time, over 10 years later.

Not having to be careful when I butter bread. He would open up sandwiches and check I had buttered every little bit of bread, right up to the edges.

My sister said the same when she left her awful abusive marriage @Montink

Sitting on the sofa doing nothing for a wee while… I was never allowed. Read this thread earlier and couldn’t pinpoint mine, but after being out and about/busy all morning and before going out this evening I just sat on the sofa to recharge a bit (doing nothing), with nobody to tell me I couldn’t.

Getting home and doing as I please all evening, eating what I want and not dreading the sound of his key in the door.

Spending money on treats (simple things like a bar of chocolate) and not being told that I’m a spendthrift. We never shared finances but he was determined to criticise any purchases he thought were frivolous.

And quite simply, not being treated with contempt for merely existing, unless I could be useful to him in some way.

14 years free of the cunt and still happily single.

I have my home as a cosy haven for my children and I, nobody is forbidding me buying cushions and throws and soft towels and when I open the front door the peace makes me smile.
I love being able to stay downstairs in the evenings if I want to…ex used to make me vacate the living room/kitchen at 7pm as he was “busy” and would be angry if disturbed.
I love being able to buy my children fruit and vegetables.
I love that I will never be diminished in my own home again.
Little things that will always mean so much.

Many years ago in my 20s I escaped from a violently abusive partner. He managed a pub for a living, and we lived above it, and he insisted that I spent every single evening, without exception, sitting in the bar with him and his regulars from the moment I got home from work up to whenever he decided to close. He also regularly, without consulting me, moved various staff members into our flat with us.

I am not a people person at all. I’m not especially shy but I’m very, very introverted and privacy and time alone is very important to me.

Anyway. Eventually I managed to get away from him, a very difficult and dangerous process, and moved into a tiny, tiny rented flat. It was minuscule - one small bedsit room, a little bathroom and a tiny kitchenette - but brand new and all mine. I remember moving in on a Saturday, unpacking my possessions (minimal, as I’d left almost everything behind), making myself a cup of tea and thinking “Oh my god. I can just… sit and chill by myself. I don’t have to talk to anyone. I’ve got total privacy. I can just do whatever I like in complete peace and quiet.”

I don’t think I’ve ever in my life felt such a powerful sense of relief. I remember lying in bed that night and actually being unable to sleep because I was enjoying the peace and solitude so much that I didn’t want to waste it 😂

Not having to drive him about for hours on end while he drank and listened to shit music in my car. Not having to check my phone constantly when I am out incase I miss a call or message and he accuses me of all sorts:

Not having to worry I'd boiled the egg for too long.

Enjoying a drink in a pub without having to be on high alert monitoring how much has been consumed and calculating how soon I can leave.

That’s an exactly what I was going to say! Plus nobody deliberately messing up something I had just cleaned. Evert time I cleaned the kitchen floor, ex used to walk around the kitchen in muddy wellies before the floor had even dried and didn’t see any need to clean up the footprints. He also had the nerve to write to me after I had left to hurl various accusations at me, including that I had been lazy about cleaning. Well yes, I probably lazy cleaning but that would have been because it seemed pointless if he was going to mess it up the instant I cleaned anything.