Whats your quiet freedom after leaving an abusive relationship?

[Lex25]

I just read an article about the quiet freedoms that come after you finally break free from an abusive relationship and I was thinking how my favourite thing for me is coming in from work and not having to talk for an hour or so until I am ready. I was never allowed this in my relationship I had to sit and breakdown his day and it made me dread leaving work.
For most people who leave the abuse doesn’t stop instantly so it’s still stressful and exhausting but the little wins do help.
I wondered what other quiet freedoms people have after leaving ?

Being able to eat without being watched. Not being judged after food shopping by what’s in the fridge. Not getting told off for not using specific pans to cook with. Freely colouring my hair. Wearing what I like on Christmas and birthdays. Allowing the day to go off-plan without fear of reprisals. Looking in a mirror without being told I’m preening. Not being made to feel guilty for being ill. Not walking on egg shells….

Being able to listen to audiobooks or podcasts without the expectation that l should be available to listen/answer questions at all times. If I wasn't wearing them, then he was complaining I was wearing them.

Being able to get up from the sofa without him huffing/tutting that I am disturbing his game playing/TV watching. He sat where the only way I could pass was by climbing over his playstation controller lead. Its my house and sofa.

Like a previous poster, I can sew or craft and watch TV. Without having to have my full focus on the TV like he insisted. And I can watch what I want. Not being nagged to watch stuff I'm not interested in.

Not having to constantly manage his moods, and walk on eggshells. I feel relaxed, and the tension has disappeared.

My cat coming into the house, and not staying out of his way.

Not being shouted at when he wants to drink, and wants a lift to his house. Then getting verbally abused and screamed at, having constant calls and nastiness. Then having to deal with the withdrawal/hangovers. And being scared he will turn up drunk and abusive.

I can leave mess in my house for a bit and not feel anxious about it.

My child and I can go out whenever and not have someone resentful that we are going out to do something fun and trying to persuade us to stay home instead.

Spending on things I need without guilt.

Not being afraid of anyone else's mood suddenly 'turning'

Realising DC could have friends round for sleepovers. They couldn't do this while he was here as he came home drunk every night. It just became 'normal'.

Going where I want
Spending my time with who I want
Making money I get to keep
Having physical safety

So many of these are sadly familiar!

• a clean bathroom sink, free of beard shavings or gobs of toothpaste just left for someone else to clean
• likewise the toilet and god help me occasionally the sheets
• not walking on eggshells about how to phrase a request or worse yet a complaint without setting him off
• being able to save money because he’s not spending it all
• enjoying days out with the kids without his thundercloud of resentment that he had to take part in a family activity
• a quiet house without his incessant music banging
• being able to cook a wide range of foods as no longer restricted by his fussy diet
• not having to listen to him bitch and moan about literally everything
• or brag about how great he is
• no longer having to deal with his family
• no longer having to defend my friends to him
• being about to buy things I like for the house without enduring days of sulking and muttered comments about how they don’t suit his taste or standards of quality (note: I was a design editor for over a decade so I was certainly not filling the house with tasteless trash)
• not having to wait for ages for things around the hose to get done, and then being told off when I got fed up and did them myself
• not being literally growled at if I moved in my sleep

Freedom in so many ways. A calm quiet home without the sport on constantly. Finances that are under my control. Not being questioned over everything I do. Going on a night out without him putting barriers in the way. Not having anyone go through my phone. My children are happier no shouting for being children.

So many of them are so familiar. The constantly worrying the mood would change, walking on eggshells, being talked at, the children not coming out of their rooms. But I’m sat on a sofa drinking tea and it’s quiet and I’m not feeling anxious about a man’s mood- life is good!

If you can and feel safe to do so you'd probably be better starting a new thread in Relationships to get the most helpful advice and support for your circumstances. Best of luck to you

I grew up with an abusive father, though I was well into adulthood before I recognised it for what it was.
The lovely freedoms I now enjoy:

just being me, relaxing in my home. Not having to worry about what criticism would be levelled at me

being able to wear PJs in the kitchen/living room

not walking on eggshells

not hiding away from anyone in my home

not having to be attuned to how he walked, breathed, opened the curtains, opened his bedroom door…all those little indicators of the mood he was in, before I had even gotten out of bed

being able to have friends call round and spend time in my home

having confidence in my own decisions

feeling worthy of having an opinion

I have no experience of this, but you women are all amazing 🩷

Painting bedroom pink. Wearing combat trousers. Cutting my hair shorter. Meeting a friend and having a glass of wine. Letting the kids study up late.

Not having to account for every second of my day, just trundling through life without clock watching.

Just walking up to bed peacefully, without sticking two fingers up and mouthing ‘fuck you’ at the wall to the living room where he was sat. Lol

Letting kids STAY up late, not study 🤣

Ooo and not having to cope with the constant farting… not that that is confined to an abusive relationship.

Not having to prepare a list of people I had spoken to/interacted with and reasons why on my commute home

Being able to go to bed and sleep without being forced to do things I didn’t want to do. My bedroom is now my safe place, my feminine space and I love it.
Being able to have my hair how I want it.
Knowing that my bank balance is safe and now one else is draining it.
Being able to cook and eat what I’d like for dinner.
Listening to my music and watching things that interest me on tv.
Being able to say yes or no to social events based on how I feel.

Watch what I like on TV.
Not having to keep the child quiet.
Having the back door open.
Being able to go out with friends.
Having money to spend as I like.

This definitely!

Not feeling constantly anxious and on edge that me or DD would inadvertently do something 'wrong' just by being ourselves.

Not dreading the weekends because of the prolonged eggshells.

Not having my character constantly torn apart.

Being able to buy whatever I like without asking for his permission.

Being able to put the heating on higher than 16 degrees without concequences.

Something I'm still working on: learning that it's okay to express emotions or have less than perfect reactions to things without it meaning that I'm an awful person and being punished for it.

This sounds really twee but he never wanted pets, and wasn't religous and refused to get my daughter's ears pierced. When I finally kicked him out, I got a cat, got my daughter christened and got her ears pierced

As the Soup Dragons sang:

"I'm free, to do whatever I want, any old time"

Oh the bliss 😁

I remember taking my DS to the park and thinking I can do as I like! We can get ice cream (ex had lots of “rules” around food), talk to people and come home when we feel like it knowing there will be no sulking, 20 questions etc.

I’m not out of the house yet - but it’s in progress - so I’ve moved into my daughters old room, and the luxury of being able to set my clock radio to play for 15 mins before I have to get up every day is incredible. Now I don’t have to startle awake and turn off the noise as fast as I can so it doesn’t disturb his precious sleep! I think there are so many tiny things like this that I do without even thinking about them as they are so ingrained - might start a list actually!

All of this. Knowing what money will be there, going to sleep when I’m tired, not having a woman sulk when I run down sex (I’m a woman, had the awful experience of a coercive female partner), not being attacked constantly, not having the big light whacked on when I’m asleep!

Honestly my cats give me more back than the ex.

Getting my hair cut. Not having to wonder, when’s the next outburst going to happen? Knowing that bills had been paid. Not having him come to bed at stupid o’clock and then refuse to get up. Knowing that only I would be wearing my underwear…