Whats your quiet freedom after leaving an abusive relationship?

[Lex25]

I just read an article about the quiet freedoms that come after you finally break free from an abusive relationship and I was thinking how my favourite thing for me is coming in from work and not having to talk for an hour or so until I am ready. I was never allowed this in my relationship I had to sit and breakdown his day and it made me dread leaving work.
For most people who leave the abuse doesn’t stop instantly so it’s still stressful and exhausting but the little wins do help.
I wondered what other quiet freedoms people have after leaving ?

Being able to cook (and eat) what I wanted, and when. And subsequently the joy of being married to someone who does at least 50% of the cooking, but also has an appreciation for 'proper' food and encourages a wide variety of food. We also eat anywhere between 6pm and 9pm depending on what we've been doing as a family that day/evening which feels like a luxury compared to the rigid timeframe I had to stick to before that.

Too many freedoms to articulate. But a few stand out.

No silent scream lodged in my throat for years.
No muscles aching in my face from the forced jollity of trying desperately to smooth his mood.
Panic free communication. Chats with friends, phone, meet ups, messages.
No more stomach rolling over when my phone rang.
The joy of not stifling my words into muteness, to avoid him kicking off.
Priceless.

Not having to get up early to put on make-up before he saw me in the morning. Or, if I happened to wake up after him, not hearing the over-exaggerated gagging noises he made when he saw my face. The freedom of just relaxing in my home and not made to feel like a freak was beyond measure.

Being able to wear loose clothes and comfortable cardigans without being sneered at.

Being able to buy things with my own money.

I used to have to ask for money from my own salary, and I would often be close to a panic attack by the time I got to the till.

Didnt stop him spending money 3/4 times a week in the pub though, but I had to beg for money for a sandwich for lunch.

For me it is:

Quiet - he was just so boorish and loud and we had a small house - it felt like he took over EVERY bit of the little space we had.

Reading - related to the above, just the quiet and space to read without being bothered. Bothering by kids - fine. But with him it’s like he couldn't stand to see me having a moment to myself ie my attention not fully devoted to him. Even if the girls didnt need anything he would still disturb me; seemingly just for the sake of it.

Lastly and most importantly - when I have my precious DC with me - the laughter. They giggle, we laugh, we dance, we eat what we want when we want (within reason), they climb on me, we cuddle, we cook, we live - without being constantly told off.

You could not pay me to go back and I say that as someone who has taken the most incredible financial hit.

I am so much worse off financially but no amount of money would make me live with that man again.

Everything had to be exact, uniform. There was no joy or spontaneity.

My first Christmas without him.....we had the brightest gaudiest Christmas tree imaginable. The kids had free rein on decorations. They got loud/messy presents. It was a real "fuck it" time.

The peace and quiet. Going to bed and waking up alone to even more peace and quiet.

No horrible atmosphere in the house, no depressive gloom hanging over eveything that felt like an actual stifling, heavy weight. Doors and windows open, fresh air, no stink of cat piss from their cats that were almost feral.

Buying and eating lovely food. Watching what I want on TV (in peace and quiet). No high grade stress by being constantly on edge, waiting for the next thing to happen. Not being followed around the house and worn down by threats and accusations.

Not being accused of being in love with my ex almost daily, constant texts about what I'm doing and where I am.

Not having to put up with their absolute bullshit, fake suicide threats and all the poor me shit. No drama!

Life is light, sunny and full of possibility. Having to start again is totally worth it.

I think there are so many tiny things like this that I do without even thinking about them as they are so ingrained - might start a list actually!

That's a good idea @iknowimcoming , because you will forget some things and it'll be good to look back on if you're having an upset moment (which may well happen, no matter how glad you will be to be free, breaking the trauma bond isn't easy but so worth the tears). That list will get further and further down in The Pile as you become yourself again and you'll eventually throw it out without giving it a thought but you may find it useful in the early weeks and months of your freedom

I've said this recently on another post but it's relevant here.

For a while when I first woke up, I'd tentatively stretch my arm across the bed and feel a wave of relief that he wasn't there. I used to worry that maybe I had only dreamed he'd gone.

I posted originally on relationships, I got so much support from there. I hadn’t even recognised the abuse until then and I’d been in therapy for years for anxiety. Amazingly enough my anxiety has disappeared now! Please post there and you will get lots of support. I was advised to contact women’s aid but despite trying so many times I never got through but I found out that councils usually have their own local domestic abuse support. I have an out reach worker through them who is helping me with housing and calls me weekly,
i left a million pound house with literally my clothes and I cannot tell you how much happier I am. Good luck 🤞

Oh so many things!
The first week after he moved out, I kept sighing loudly. I realised I’d been metaphorically holding my breath for months.
I said to my counsellor it’s amazing how my stuff doesn’t get broken now. She looked horrified and asked he broke things on purpose. I can’t say for certain he did (not like he deliberately threw things) but he was careless with my belongings and shrugged if they got broken like it was no big deal, because it was mine, or it was cheap.
It’s funny how he said I was messy or sloppy but the house is much nicer now.
Agree with the decorating. I’m about to do my room and DD’s in warm pastels. Currently my room is grey (his choice when we decorated it).
I can’t even begin to express the peace we have. DD and I have a lovely time together. We eat together, watch tv, bake, play games. We always seemed to be at loggerheads but in retrospect, he stirred it up. DD says she can’t really remember much from before we split (she was about 9). She no longer sees her Dad (her choice based on his behaviour but he’s not trying to see her either). She has had counselling but I kind of hope her key memories are the ones we are creating now at our home together as she moves towards her teenage years.

So much to relate to. But what I really love is not sitting in the car when I get home from work, wondering how my evening is going to pan out. Now I just walk straight into my home thinking how good it feels to be home 😊

Peace, like a weight had been lifted and I didn't have to be scared and ready to defend myself all the time.

The freedom to be the mother i wanted as he constantly told me i was a bad mother as i should just stay at home and be a mother and not go anywhere or do anything, i wasnt allowed to be a person my whole being was to be a mother only, his evil mother never worked but scrouged off the state in a huge 3 bedroom council property on her own!! The irony was i worked and earnt more than him which he hated, so yes the freedom to be me, i took my child abroad on holiday and oh god the freedom whilst he ranted that i needed his permission to go on holiday after we seperated!

These are all so sad, some made me feel sick you had to endure that!
Mine are:

Not having to hold in a pee at night because it pissed him off if I got up.

The freedom of actually having money for me, I paid all the bills and more, I had no money for myself, he would go on spending sprees for clothes and often a new car, I had fuck all.

The freedom to be me, I still say sorry far too much! Its ingrained.

This has to be simultaneously the saddest but also the most joyful and inspiring thread I’ve ever read on mumsnet. If anyone has any doubt over just what a massive impact domestic abuse has on women and how sickeningly prevalent it is, they should read this. Why are some men just so awful to women?

Not feeling ‘wrong’ all the time.
not feeling annoying/messy/demanding/hysterical/stupid.
being able to buy stuff for the house.
having pets
not worrying about if it’s clean enough when he comes in.
not worrying about having to have sex with him otherwise he would be a big grump to me and kids.
doing what I want with my money.

god I hate that cunt

Being able to sleep without the fear of being violated by him

Not being woken by his loud music or television in the night. Choosing my own bedtime. Reading without interruptions. Not having to take my knickers off when I get in the front door!

Not tensing the minute I heard the front door open.

I was out driving with my now dh and we had a disagreement. I felt confident enough to have a moan at him while we drove along. Not an argument just a simple disagreement. And I didn’t have to feel scared that he’d start speeding, slamming brakes on, threatening to throw me out at speed or taking corners fast/overtaking dangerously. Just my lovely dh tootling along grumbling back at me

Being naked. I'm old and my body is ravaged but I wore mens clothes , didn't shower much, tried (and failed) to be physically unappealing so that he wouldn't insist on sex (lots of nonconsensual also).

Now I can be naked with no fear of anything and it's ok. I wear women's clothes, even the odd dress, sandals etc. it's just a few moments here and there but it is the time I am most aware of the difference.

It’s been so long that I’ve almost forgotten, which makes me smile because it’s a big “fuck you” to the turd who thought he’d control me forever. But mine would be not worrying that everytime someone has a drink they are going to decide to “knock some sense into me” and starfishing in my own bed, without worrying I might wake the beast. Twat. May his dick fall off.

It is horrendous, it really is. Sadly, it's women who do it too. My abuser was a woman and NOBODY would believe what she was like unless they'd experienced it too.

After I left, she got a boyfriend. I often wonder how the poor bloke is 😪