Whats your quiet freedom after leaving an abusive relationship?

[Lex25]

I just read an article about the quiet freedoms that come after you finally break free from an abusive relationship and I was thinking how my favourite thing for me is coming in from work and not having to talk for an hour or so until I am ready. I was never allowed this in my relationship I had to sit and breakdown his day and it made me dread leaving work.
For most people who leave the abuse doesn’t stop instantly so it’s still stressful and exhausting but the little wins do help.
I wondered what other quiet freedoms people have after leaving ?

What a tool!! So ,any men so thirsty to be admired for nothing

Genuine question, what made you guys get into these relationships and stay ? What helped you leave? And how can we prevent our daughters and potentially sons getting stuck like this

I'm so happy for all of you getting out of these horrible situations

@Whatisthisweirdness The armchair psychologist in me thinks I had low self esteem due to losing my parents/feeling unattractive generally/awkward. Then this extremely handsome man came into my life, love bombed me, and effectively wanted to spend every waking minute with me. By the time the tempers came, he was already under my roof. I just assumed all relationships were like this, and it wasn't all the time. Then I got pregnant, and it all worsened and frightening. I left just after child was born (15months), only for my children, as I only had the courage to put them first.

With my children, im going to teach them to value themselves. Those friends in bad relationships I notice, had self esteem issues whereas conversely, others are happy. And ive also surrounded myself with great friends to give my children role models of relationships. That they dont deserve to be screamed at etc, or live in fear.

My son fronted him up combined with the fact I had a really good therapist who was helping me deal with ‘ my anxiety ‘ and I finally saw it for what it was but also probably the support I got on this platform, in someways other women calling it out for what it was, the A (buse) word was horrifying to me. Once I recognised it something in me changed. I was convinced I absolutely adored him and he was a flawed damaged angel who had been through so much trauma. There was genuinely a lightbulb moment and I’ve never looked back. I have not shed a tear over him.
I have shed tears over how I have let my children be damaged and myself abused.
I’ve left with nothing other than my clothes ( no exaggeration ) and as we are not married and he is v wealthy I’m entitled to nothing and I honestly don’t care. I will work it out but the benefits so outweigh everything else,

in regards to my kids, I am bot sure, it’s a work in progress I guess, I hate myself for staying so long but equally if I left and had recognised it sooner they would have had to stay with him prob 50/50 without me to protect them.

to be honest I think this can happen to anyone regardless of their upbringing. Some people are extremely convincing and plausible. Hopefully the majority of women recognise it and part ways before too much damage has been done (kids,marriage,joint purchases etc).

For some of us it’s because we had autocratic parents who had no respect for our boundaries and parents modelled a dysfunctional codependent relationship, lots of silence then shouting etc. so we are primed. It happened to me twice - was targeted both times, first time almost as soon as I left home (very young as desperate to escape the autocracy).

For all that, my experience wasn’t nearly as bad as some - but I think what you can accept as normal really depends on what type of house you grew up in. Our family violence was repressed and erupted after a long boiling time. My relationships exactly echoed this.

The scariest thing is that I didn’t connect these men to the man my father is until last year and I’m nearly 60.

Took me a year of therapy to make that connection. The fallout has been bumpy but im
mostly over the other side for now. Going LC with family has helped hugely.
what made me leave?
Well the first time it was because after 5 years and many failed attempts to leave, I met/was targeted by someone else (the next abusive guy so from frying pan straight in to fire). He was the someone else I had kid with
So I stayed for 8 years as I thought it was the right thing to do for my kid (I know, right?!)
I left a few times then went back, believed the promises to change.
Eventually he completely flipped out one night, threw me in to the street, having ripped the landline out of its socket, and my child was inside with him.
Luckily while all this was going on my mobile phone was in my pocket connected to my sister as I’d just made the call and quickly hid the phone.
Luckily she called the police and came racing over as well.

honestly i overheard him talking to the police ‘she’s overtired, im
just trying to help her, she’s not well, she needs a holiday’
i almost thought he’d get away with it until a few minutes later my son turned to the female police officer who was stood with us and said something like ‘my daddy’s been very naughty and I don’t want to live with him anymore’.

that was it- police ordered him to leave that night and he never came back unless it was for access. I regret allowing him access as he has on the whole been a total waste of space and son now has very little to with him but luckily there has been a very good step dad around for many years.

all I can say ladies is never think you are too old to get out.

never think about what you are leaving behind.
I’ve walked away with just the clothes on my back and enough change for a phone call. I’ve had to leave pets, friends and start again in a completely new area.

nothing is worth being treated like that.

all that said, I think the stats about how long it takes to get away ring very true.

the best we can do is educate kids, and model decent relationships of all sorts.

my son, thank god, is a thoroughly decent human being and currently undergoing trauma therapy to deal with what happened back then. These things can take years to surface, all it takes is the right trigger.

Wanting to be in a relationship, sick of always being the single one. Ignored the warning signs (partly because his behaviour was similar to how my dad had been when I was a kid so I thought sulking and the silent treatment were normal responses to conflict). I don’t think I had particularly low self esteem but maybe I did. Wanting to ‘save’ someone who’d been through a hard time with his ex (of course I now know he was the problem, not her). I dunno.

But also nobody would get together with someone who’s an arsehole from the start. This stuff is insidious: they test your boundaries little by little to see what you’ll tolerate. You start trying to guess what’s going to provoke their anger and avoid doing whatever that thing is, but the goalposts move and you start thinking you’re losing your mind. You get pregnant or become ill, you’re vulnerable etc. They isolate you slowly from your support network. And they dangle a carrot of nice behaviour from time to time, except you know that if you don’t respond with sufficient (in their eyes) gratitude and appreciation, you’ll pay for it later.

You have to remember they don’t start out being vile. They mould themselves to be what they think you want. They love bomb. You find yourself thinking how lucky you are. I see now, in retrospect, there were red flags, but o didn’t know what red flags were! We married quickly (too quickly) and I didn’t realise until we’d been separated for a year how abusive he actually was.
Why did I get sucked in? Low self-esteem, unstable attachment issues with my Mum, undiagnosed Autism and ADHD (love bombing can look a lot like hyperfocus; but the intent behind it is polar opposite). What I teach my teen DD is red flag behaviour. She asked if we could watch Twilight and I agreed if could point out red flags 😂 I hope and pray she won’t get sucked in like I did. I’m in a healthy relationship now, I hope that will help.

Not having to cook from scratch every night. I could make fish fingers for the kids, snag the leftovers and that would be it. Amazing.

ETA:

• What got me into it? Being young, naive and having a terrible sense of self worth.
• What got me out of it? He decided that my domestic goddess skills weren't up to scratch and left. After the initial shock, the sense of relief was enormous.
• How do we stop our kids doing the same thing? Teach our sons to value women and girls.

A bit of an eye opener for me was when someone said “does he get angry with anyone else like he does with you?” And I realised that no, he didn’t. Not in the sense of it erupting from seemingly nowhere for some perceived wrongdoing, anyway. Although he was known for being tetchy, he could control his temper with others, which made me realise that it was a conscious choice, ie he knew full well what he was doing when he shouted in my face and squared up to me like he was going to hit me.

sending support to everyone here.

no one gets into these relationships on purpose, it’s like a boiling frog, things change gradually. And you normalise the behaviour. This article was illuminating for me.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-emotional-intensity/202206/why-highly-sensitive-and-empathic-people-may-be-more

I was in a relationship that was sort of winding down, and he came along and love bombed me and I totally fell for it. Ignored a couple of red flags and put it down to his insecurity, which would improve if I moved in with him, so I did. I remember the moment I realised "this is domestic violence" but I thought demonstrating my commitment would change him (lol). I left after a couple of big fights but went back when he begged. By the time I realised he wouldn't change I was worried about the logistics of disentangling myself. I was trying to plot my exit strategy when he left me. The relief was overwhelming.

I think the best thing we can do to prevent this is to model behaviour for our children - my children have a dad who is loving, warm and kind to me and them. I hope they think "that's not how it's supposed to be" if they end up in an abusive situation. The next best thing to model, if you can't model that because your abuser is their dad, is to leave. Show them you won't put up with it and they shouldn't either.

For me it was a combination of love-bombing and biological clock that got me in too deep too fast. Some vulnerability from not having quite recovered from my previous relationship too.

But also, as someone else said, they can just be very convincing for some considerable time. They are often capable of and willing to lie remorselessly, and to play the victim convincingly.

I only found out the extent of my ex’s deceit after 10 years and it was shocking to me; part of what stopped me seeing it earlier was my ingrained belief that if you tell someone you love them, you don’t fuck them over at the same time. It was just outside my scope of thinking that someone i knew, lived with and had children with was lying to my face regularly and faking being the victim whenever I questioned anything.

I had an idea of abusers as the kind of dominating, aggressive type, who would demean you by saying things like “You’re a fucking slag, you’d be nothing without me”. I didn’t realise they also came in a whiny version where they’d insist they didn’t recall saying the thing I was upset about, or complained that they “could never do anything right” or tried to isolate me by criticizing my friends for “being flakes and drunks” (neither true) or accused me of being controlling and paranoid while not being able to give any specific examples of this behaviour.

For my kids, I’m very focused on teaching them how to see abusive behaviours, encouraging them to trust themselves and their instincts, will never make them feel like a failure for ending a relationship, and will make sure the both have emergency funds that mean they can leave if they had to. Financial constraints were what kept me stuck for a long time, along with the shame of “failing”, fear of not being believed, reluctance to put my kids through a divorce and distrust that he would care for them properly when they were younger.

I should add that what also seems so obvious once you've seen it and understand it, is not always so obvious from the inside.

My ex has a new girlfriend now, and to me, knowing about the way he operates it’s obvious that he’s targeted her because she was vulnerable (just out of a long relationship), she serves his financial needs (owns her own house, while he’s asset-poor) and he already has a measure of control over her (she’s his employee).

I’m sure she thinks he’s the greatest guy around because she’s enjoying being showered with gifts (paid for by his debt-ridden business) and feels sorry for him that he was treated so badly by his controlling bitch of an ex (me) who will barely communicate with him. He will be able to keep this facade up for a long time because he is careful to keep himself separated from anyone who can tell a different narrative.

When we separated, he instantly moved halfway across the city and dumped all the couple friends who would have seen his behaviour evolving over time or who heard the “behind the scenes” story from me.

I got into the relationship because when we met, he obviously didn’t behave like that. When I met him he appeared to be kind, funny, loyal etc. We clicked and got on very well. I didn’t actually intend it to be a long term, serious relationship but it became one.

The ins and outs are far too complicated to explain but essentially I moved in with him into a flat that went with his job as a pub manager for a large brewery. Various things happened that meant I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to leave the first time he hit me but if I’d left then - bearing in mind I had a broken nose and two severe black eyes - everyone would have realised what had happened and I was extremely ashamed and embarrassed. Then there were a whole load of financial and work-related issues.

I should point out that I was not what people think of when they picture a stereotypical DV victim. I was 23, recent graduate with a 1st degree, lovely family, job in PR, and an assertive, shrewd, pragmatic personality. I earned more than him and I was much less emotional. I don’t back down in arguments and pretty much everyone would say that I don’t stand for any bullshit. One of my best friends once described me as ‘epically fearless’. So because of all that I was basically embarrassed to be in the situation I was in and I didn’t want people to know. My parents still don’t know. Only two of my friends do and I only told them 20 years after it happened.

I should also add that it wasn’t even a case of “but I love him”. I didn’t love him. I rapidly lost all respect for him.

What helped me to leave was my brother, who had just come into small amount of money and was able to lend me just enough money to pay a deposit on a tiny rented studio flat.

Id echo this. At the time I read on mumsnet about seeing how abusers change their behaviour depending on the audience. Even now, 10 years later, I can see how my ex cares so much what others see yet saves the anger to be heard by myself or his wife, or the children. Only we know the true temper. Once you realise this, you realise they are actively choosing to abuse you.

Absolutely everything. Wish I'd trusted my gut even at age 20 but fear of never meeting anyone else kept me there. 40 years and one more abusive marriage later and I keep pinching myself that I'm now free of both of them, in the semi rural cottage of my dreams, and I have two happy faces and 8 paws greeting me daily. Am never living with ANYONE again, I'm just too happy in my own world now.

I think the common denominator is a lack of self-love, for whatever reason. When asked 'would you want this relationship for your child, your friend, or anyone you loved?' we would all answer 'no'. That speaks volumes about how we feel about ourselves?

When you don't love yourself, the love-bombing is like an oasis in the desert. Whereas to someone who loves themselves, it comes across as fake and creepy. It's addictive, and they get you hooked to them. Most of all, I stayed because I believed that addiction was love.

There are also societal and individual things that apply. For example, women are taught to put others first, and are given false views of what love looks like from films, books etc. I personally was brought up by an abusive mother, who held me responsible for my her moods and violence. I had no real boundaries - no real understanding of where my responsibilities ended and another person's began. I always had an urge to help others and I thought I could help him. He would cry, and promise to change, and I believed him, because I wanted it to be true.

For me, Lesley Morgan Steiner's explanation is completely true:

https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave

https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave

Didn't seem to copy over properly!

This is a really interesting point - about moving around the city. My ex did exactly the same before we met and after I left. Not before telling the old neighbours a fantastical cock and bull story about why I left, painting themselves as a victim and good person.

It is monstrous.

I don't think anyone can truly understand the way they work unless you've been in the unfortunate position of being in a relationship with one (narc?). How they can twist everything and put on a fantastic show of being a wonderful, helpful, loving and funny person - the person of your dreams! Until they're not. They've done enough to suck you in, gradually isolate you and fuck with your head until you end up wondering if YOU'RE the problem and doubt everything you've seen and heard them do and say. It is crazy.

Also, amazing how fast the discard happens and you're a disgusting, awful person once they realise you're really leaving them.

And when you finally do see them for what they are, you can predict exactly what they will say and do next. Thankfully, once you know, you know and can spot it in others.

I haven’t experienced an abusive relationship as an adult, thankfully (my childhood was abusive), but I remember how it was for my DSis when she came out of her abusive first marriage. (He left her, but she divorced him.) I remember how she said it was for her when she bought her new home, that she valued being able to close her front door and feel safe at home.

It was also a relief to have a DDog who wasn’t anxious; her ex had bullied her beloved Labrador Retriever as well.

For me, it was a relief to see my DDis go back to her old feisty self. I also felt guilty for not realising how bad things had been for her during her marriage. I definitely understand so much more about abusive relationships now, since coming onto Mumsnet and reading about other women’s experiences.

Thankfully, she now has a very happy second marriage and the family she always wanted.

Not hearing the key in the lock

Being allowed to eat cooked cheese and using vinegar, not having the radio on all day long.

Well these people were not obviously awful or abusive when you first meet. In my case she was positively charming, funny, smart, great job, shared interests etc and I felt I had massively 'lucked out', very much a honeymoon at first. In hindsight the first red flags started to appear several months in, initially minor stuff that you could shrug off as not important but incrementally more issues started to emerge, criticism of my friends and family under the guise of being concerned that they were not acting in my best interests, increasing say in my finances, increasing jealousy over anyone who knew me longer then she did, slow isolation away from social circles, hobbies and sports. It took years. Thankfully I had a few friends who for want of another phrase staged an intervention. Even then I was making excuses for her, after that it started to get physical and at that point I finally managed to leave.

Being able to enjoy bedtimes and getting a good night’s sleep again.

Going out with my friends without endless phone calls about ‘where are you?’ ‘When are you coming home?’ My ExH even turned up at a night out with friends celebrating passing our post grad qualification and insisted I came home right then because I had work next day. It was 10:00pm on a Wednesday night.

I thought he was amazing.

Imagine a cute and hunky builder who is a genius at maths with wonderful, professional parents, a great fun and playful dad and treated me like the most amazing, intelligent and attractive person he had ever met. Very attentive, very caring, very empathetic.

It was intoxicating.

The very first signs which I ignored were when he'd have a few drinks and say the odd cryptic thing like: 'you have no idea who I really am do you?'.
I didn't, I gradually found out though.
Over the next year he gradually found reasons to dislike each of my friends and tried to persuade me that they 'weren't for me' (as in, if someone's not for you, they are against you).

The way to help our daughters is to teach them to look out for, and definitely not ignore, the warning signs in those first few months. If in doubt, get out.