Whats your quiet freedom after leaving an abusive relationship?

[Lex25]

I just read an article about the quiet freedoms that come after you finally break free from an abusive relationship and I was thinking how my favourite thing for me is coming in from work and not having to talk for an hour or so until I am ready. I was never allowed this in my relationship I had to sit and breakdown his day and it made me dread leaving work.
For most people who leave the abuse doesn’t stop instantly so it’s still stressful and exhausting but the little wins do help.
I wondered what other quiet freedoms people have after leaving ?

The first thing that comes to mind is being able to lock the front door and not spend the rest of the evening scared of what will come through it again. I wish I'd seen clearly what was happening. He had everyone fooled, very few saw that side.

Going to bed when I want to / when I'm tired.

Eating what I feel like eating / not eating much if I'm not hungry.

Just having autonomy over really normal everyday things.

Not worrying about being late home. Can go into the kitchen without permission. No loud music. No wondering about mood. No sex! I can do as much or little washing cycles as I want. And I can change the bedding every week. There's more but that will do.

Enjoying being at home. Not having the TV constantly on from the moment he got back from work/got up at weekends till I went to bed.
Not having every weekend revolve around football/cricket/rugby fixtures. If any of these was on, there was very little chance of us going out as a family and if we did, he would be constantly glued to his phone checking the scores.
Being able to sit in my living room in silence and relax if I want. I don’t watch much TV, but if I want to, I can now watch what I choose without being criticised.
I don’t not have to put up with a man child who had to buy himself a new phone every year even when there was not enough money to buy more important items. There was always money for a new gadget but I got criticised if I bought myself any new clothes or anything for the house.
Sleeping in my own bed without being woken up by his extremely loud snoring. Ex refused to acknowledge that it was a problem so almost every night I ended on a mattress in DD’s room or downstairs. Instead of addressing the issue and getting help for his snoring, he would sulk.
Looking forward to coming home at the end of the holidays instead of dreading it.
The best is having a good relationship with my DS now. Ex never managed to turn DD against me but convinced DS that I was the evil person responsible for the break up of our marriage. Luckily after moving DS eventually saw that it is not me who is the selfish parent.

Being able to go to sleep without worrying what he’d do to me in the night. It took years of insomnia until my brain and body finally accepted I was safe now.

I couldn’t make friends with another woman because he would be jealous and he would spoil the friendship by insisting either one of us must be a lesbian or that they were a threat or if it was a man, that he obviously fancied me. He on the other hand enjoyed a vast range of men and women friends and acquaintances who all believed that I was anti social and why on earth was he with someone like me. Whenever we were out together, their astonishment was very visible. I had to be very careful about what I wore outside of the house and if I put lipstick on to go somewhere without him he insisted that it was to attract other men. I was desperately unhappy and my self esteem was in the floor. I had no friends at all at the end.
The freedom now, with his phone number blocked took a few years to fully kick in. For a long time my stomach clenched at the sound of a car coming onto the drive, banging house music, headlights sweeping the room, a key in the lock. All those things now are welcome sounds that belong to somebody I love coming home. I can smile freely and chat to people without being told I’m flirting. I can make friends with other women and that is such a joy. I feel at peace and stronger.

Liberty to speak to who I wanted without fear of them being almost beaten to death.

Being able to breathe in my own home. It was like taking small breaths the whole time rather than proper breathing almost feels like suffocation but as soon as his ass was out that door and the locks were changed I pulled the curtains and sat and BREATHED as if I had been under water for too long.

When I was going through the signing up process with Rape Crisis, one of the questions was "Do you have fibromyalgia?". I thought that was very telling about the effect that abuse, even if the physical didn't break bones, has on victims' bodies.

I'm many years out, but having conversations with people - friends, strangers etc. without feeling fear. I've never felt that kind of fear again, including in my marriage which is in its 13th year.

Love this thread.
Even after all these years I still keep my phone on silent as a habit and I have to remind myself that I am allowed to turn the volume on (instead of watching in silence) when watching little video clips etc.

My home is my sanctuary. I've painted it all lilac. I have candles lit when I want. Flowers in every room. I can watch what I want. Wear what I want. Eat what I want. Bliss!

Just being able to sit down and relax without constant demands. Also, I buy ice cubes! I was never allowed before. I have ice in every cold drink and have had a constant supply of bagged ice for the past 12 years! It’s the small things 🥰

it was many years ago now but I remember just the general feeling of lightness, almost euphoria, if I’m honest, at just being so in charge of myself, doing what suited me and not being on edge most of the time.

Not being harassed for sex and having to put up with a shitty bad temper if I didn’t say yes.
God it was legion really. Truly the best move I ever made.

And it led me to the person I am with now. It’s had its ups and downs and we’ve had our disagreements and the odd argument over the years but I’ve never felt coerced, harassed, stalked, threatened or any of the other nasty things I put up with for 10 years with the ex.

I doubt I will ever have another relationship if I survive my partner but if I was the person I am today, 25 years ago, I’d never stand for any such behaviour and almost cannot believe I did (but I did and now I know why - this stuff usually starts in the family).
so I suppose to summarise the quiet pleasures were just being able to, well, be quiet and content really! Not exactly headline stuff but oh my god so badly needed. I used to be an adrenaline and drama junkie in my 20’s , but I now I avoid it like the plague.

Cooking in my own kitchen without him criticising every damn thing I did.

YES!

Standing up straight, not trying to make myself small or invisible or unthreatening, and breathing deeply.

Same here. No more constant criticism and picking fights. Not having to deal with their negativity and judgement of others. Just… peace and quiet. It was a noisy, argumentative house. Still is, probably - I don’t go back often.

That I can pile stuff on the draining board without being screamed at.
That the children are so happy
That sense of peace/home
Definitely the feeling of not being on eggshells/that sense of dread that they could one day cause some serious physical damage

Being allowed to speak to my mum (well anyone really) - i still did anyway but in secret. I had to archive and mute all her messages as he hated her that much. Because she knew exactly what he was and he couldnt stand it

I could breathe in my own home, didn’t have to put up with his constant gaming, he took over the front room, even bought himself a sofa bed, used the back of the tv in the corner as a dumping ground, threw rubbish and food in there so it stank, refused to let me touch it or he’d kick off.

no more him coming home from the pub twice a week hammered and in a stinking mood, where he’d then be physically abusive to me, also throwing me out of bed and putting his hands around my throat if I spoke to him or looked at him ‘wrong’ kids and I used to pretend to be asleep in the attend whilst he staggered about shouting and having tv up loud

no more financial abuse, stealing my bank card, withholding money, hiding keys, rummaging though my bags, pockets, for money or my card and then blaming my ds for stealing when it was him. I used to go to work with money hidden in my shoes to stop him from stealing it (my late dh, who was amazing and who I also worked with, we got together after me and ex split) was absolutely horrified at this, couldn’t believe what I was going through and he didn’t have a clue)
didn’t have to put up with his weird af daughters anymore, or his ex screaming abuse at me and my dds every five minutes

i remember the day I finished with him and the day he moved out ( he didn’t go without a fight) but in the end accepted it thankfully, I even helped him find a room and move his stuff. Took all his stuff in the car, me and the dc came home (they were aged 8 and upwards to teens by then) looked at each other and just went thank god it’s over, we celebrated by having a takeout. The relief we all felt though, I’ll never forget it.

I had to experience a normal loving relationship to see just how awful mine was. Dh was lovely and I only had 3 years with him (although knew him for a lot longer). I’ll never have another relationship again, men are just too awful apart from a rare few. I’ve also just got used to pleasing myself these days

Is this him trying to make you feel bad for eatting or something?

Today I realised it was being able to eat meat when I want to. He was a huge meat eater, but because I had once said I didn't like meat, that was it, I was never supposed to change my mind.

No, his want for the supplies of gratitude, praise, obedience, money, adoration, etc, knew no bounds.

Three days after making me a slice of toast he wailed, in one of his woe is me crying sessions, "You never even thank me for cooking for you!". This was not unusual. He will always be so hard done by and deeply misunderstood but, more importantly, undiscovered 😆

I know I posted upthread, but so many of the other posts also resonate with me and I've thought of some of the other things that just felt like a proper revelation when I left my ex:

• Living in a home where nothing reeked of cigarette smoke and where there were no ashtrays brimming with fag-ends and no shreds of rolling tobacco all over everything, and where I never had red eyes and a sore throat from breathing in second-hand smoke all the time.
• Not having to constantly cancel on my friends and family and make up fake excuses because he'd kicked off last-minute for some random reason and was refusing to let me go.
• Being able to watch football again. I know this probably goes against the grain for some women whose partners imposed football on them, but I actually love football, while my ex despised it and would never, ever let me watch it. The only sports we were allowed to watch were rugby union and F1, both of which I loathe. If he was watching those things I wasn't allowed to do anything else while they were on - not even flick through a magazine or read a newspaper.
• Receiving nice gifts from my family at Christmas and knowing they weren't going to be deliberately ruined or broken.
• Finishing work for the day and actually looking forward to going home.
• Not having to style my hair to conceal small bald patches where he'd ripped it out by the handful.
• Being able to leave the washing-up until the morning, safe in the knowledge that it wouldn't be smashed and thrown into the bin in a temper.

Going to bed and knowing I wouldn't be groped, or having a shower and knowing he wouldn't walk in, or being allowed to be proud of myself.