Never seen DH so angry - wet myself in fear

[Badsitu]

I know this is bad but it’s only just happened about half an hour ago and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have 2 young children with DH and pregnant with third.

He took the girls out for the morning, came back and went to make himself some lunch. He asked for his olives as I was standing organizing the fridge and I told him that I threw them out a couple of days ago as they went bad (furry mould kind of bad).

He absolutely hates food waste, we both do and we are both pretty good about not wasting food in general but it happens from time to time and I wasn’t going to keep furry olives in the fridge.

Problem is… he went absolutely mental. He has never done this before, he said that if I dared throw away any of his food again he will break my arms. He took the joint card off of me and told me that I am not to buy any food shopping. He threw a sippy cup across the room, called me a selfish bitch but it was his aggressive tone and the look in his eyes that basically sent my body weak and numb and I fully lost control of my bladder and wet myself in the kitchen. It was awful.

He has stormed out of the house and I’m sat in shock, honestly not knowing what to do or say. Luckily the girls were in the garden and didn’t appear to hear or see anything but my goodness he was raging with anger - enough to make a grown woman wet herself.

Hi @Badsitu I think this is important.
genuinely has he never got angry, unnerved you? Controlled you or money or commented on your appearance or told you what to wear? IF he has this could be a sharp escalation and a need to take action to protect yourself.

If genuinely he's never behaved like this before - and he comes home and he's sorry - there's a small chance he could be ill - brain tumour or something affecting his personality or he's under extreme stress, maybe a threat of redundancy at work.

Nothing makes what happened right - and I'm so so sorry / but I think how you respond does depend on whether there are red flag signs in his past behaviour. Do you have family or friends you can call on now who can visit for when he returns? Xx

Op call the police ! Let them take him and ask for a non molestation order . I hat are you expecting ? For him to really hurt you or worse your children ? He is showing you who he is ! Listen !!!

Has something happened that he's not told you about? Lost his job? A bad diagnosis in the family? Something really serious. It would be no excuse for treating you like that over something so trivial, but could have been a final straw moment if he was bottling something up. The other possibility would be drugs of some sort that are causing mental instability, does he or did he ever have a drug habit?

But can you ever trust him again? If that is in him somewhere it's really scary to think that something like that could happen again at any time with no warning. I think I would be out of there or call the police and get them to tell him not to come back at the very least for tonight. And get someone to come and stay with you.

This is not normal @Badsitu. Get yourself and your children to a place of safety immediately. Please contact your midwifery team, they are trained in domestic abuse situations.
Be safe, your children deserve not to grow up in fear, trust me they will know, and they will never forget.

Has something happened that he's not told you about? Lost his job? A bad diagnosis in the family? Something really serious.

I don't understand how the OP could possibly answer this??

I've had some absolutely blazing rows with DH but he's never once threatened me with violence in 25 years. Your H said he'd break your arms! You need to get you and the children out of there.
Sending you hugs x.

OP I’m so sorry.
But thinking ahead, reporting this now to the Police will in future allow you to access Legal Aid in any Court proceedings.

He needs to know he has overstepped AND drawing a line in the sand.

Women's Aid and the Police.

Then ring his mother. Explain and ask her perspective.

Is he unwell?

Was the baby planned?

Is he stressed about carrying the financial weight and could be suffering a mental health crisis?
Above all make sure you and the children are safe.
Get family support into your home x

Sorry I am just still in a state of shock and panic and as crazy as it sounds I don’t know if I can face the upheaval right before giving birth.

I obviously want him to stay away so i’ve put the chain on the door and told him not to bother coming back tonight. No response so far.

Waters still in tact, it was definitely wee.. it took me back to being a child - I was quite a shy and fearful child - where you get into trouble and suddenly go all weak. I completely lost control of my bladder and fully wet myself.

He gets angry from time to time but no more than anyone considered to be normal?! He can get overtired from work and get a bit snappy but nothing like this. I am tempted to send a message asking where on planet earth that reaction came from, but equally I feel it’s best I stay silent.

If he truly never has acted like this before it could be some kind of mental breakdown due to stress. That’s not an excuse and I still think you shouldn’t be with someone who resorts to threatening you when they can’t handle stress.

Please contact woman’s aid and the police, if you have a relative who’s close by get them to come round. Personally if it were me I would want a male relative like my dad or brother but who you want depends on you. As for weeing yourself, you’re heavily pregnant and we’re terrified so it makes sense. Sending love.

I do hope that your are not responding because you are busy calling the police. The Domestic Abuse Act means that if you do call them, HE can be removed from the house, leaving you and the kids in peace to decide your next. Don't minimise what happened, your body knows how dangerous it was and had a pure fear reaction.

Please please please DO NOT try to talk to him in a not public situation.

sure, it might be ok. But clearly at the moment he isn’t ok and someone could get hurt and that someone would be you.

my then H “talked” to me for about an hour about how our daughter had made up the fact that she had bruises all down her arm and that she was lying when she says he did it.

it was honestly one of the most terrifying conversations of my life because I knew he’d hurt her so badly just 10 mins before and I was very aware if I said the wrong thing he’d hurt me too.

do not risk it. Get out. Let him calm down, if you HAVE to communicate then by phone.

Do not provoke him for Gods sake. You should still call the police even if you are staying at home. For you and your childrens safety. I dont want to read anout you in the papers next week.

Are you able to transfer any money in the joint account to a personal account that he can't access? You will need that for the children and yourself.

Im so sorry youre going through this. His behaviour is absolutely not acceptable, even if hes never done it before. If it causes this reaction in you, his actions are abuse.
My ex scared me so much once I did the same as you did. When my solicitor found out they used that episode in my fact finding hearing to evidence abuse. That how serious that kind of reaction to anger is considered.
The restricting your buying food and access to money is also abusive.

If you have close friends and family you can trust please confide in them and start looking for a safe way to get you and your children out of the relationship. He's done it once, he knows he now has power over you. Women's Aid can give advice or there are often local charities that can help you get out and support you and your children. Do not let yourself be vulnerable with a newborn around him please.

Big no to being concerned about HIM. This is how we women get ourselves deeper into dangerous situations. Be concerned about you and your children. That’s your responsibility right now, especially with a new baby imminent. Having been through this for far too many years myself, I would advise you to report his behaviour, tell family and friends (don’t expect everyone to understand, sadly), seek help and don’t accept pathetic excuses and apologies. What he did was horrific and inexcusable.

I suppose I just want to try and find out what happened in his head… because in mine it was a perfectly normal situation where I informed him that I had thrown out some mouldy olives. How much more normal can you get? It wasn’t like half the fridge went in the bin. Plus, nobody else eats olives so it was pretty stupid in the first place to buy a large container full of them - there were loads in there and it was on him to eat them.

There must be more to it but for now I just want him to stay away and offer an explanation off of his own back - I shouldn’t need to ask. As for accepting any sort of apology, well I worry I won’t be able to move past it. I literally wet myself in fear.

Right. But… call the police.

It isn’t just about you anymore. You have kids. And you have a violent man who threatened to break your arms for throwing out mouldy food. And who has withdrawn you access to family funds when you don’t work. Both their actions are crimes.

Call the police. Tell your family what he did. Get someone to come and stay with you.

If it was just you then fine, take whatever action you want and text him all you like. But it isn’t. You have kids.

I obviously want him to stay away so i’ve put the chain on the door and told him not to bother coming back tonight. No response so far.

Which I suspect will make him even more angry and unless you tell the police what he did, they'll be on his side in terms of telling you that you cannot lock him out of his own home.

I always think when women refuse to call the police when men first do this, it’s because they know that once it is documented then other people are involved and other people will start making sure that the children are safe, so they won’t call the police or tell anyone because they don’t want anyone else knowing that they are keeping their kids in a domestically violent house. It’s covering it up so you can stay, and then when he does break your arm or goes after the kids, you can say there was no history of anything.

So sorry this’s happened to you, especially at a time when you are at your most vulnerable. Please do not feel you are to blame or make excuses for him. You now have a duty of care towards your children to make sure they do no grow up in a house with a father like this. He is abusive and will escalate. Anyone capable of scaring their pregnant wife like that is capabale of anything. I grew up with a father like this. I will never forgive my mother for not leaving. Growing up in an environment with an extremely angry volatile father has had a massive impact on my life. Please tell someone and get out. Be strong and do it for your children.

One of the best things you can do for your safety and your children is to call the police, get this documented.

Oh my god. Leave.

Have you got a safe man like a brother who can come round and be with you? Then call the police.

Otherwise take the kids and go to family or friends. You have done nothing wrong, no one wil think badly of you

Quite honestly there is nothing he can say which will reasonably explain his behaviour. His actions were completely out of order, I’m not surprised you were frightened anyone would be.

I agree you should call the police, this needs logging due to how serious it was. Also contact Women’s Aid for support and advice.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. 💐

This is there anyone in yiur family or a male friend who can come over