Never seen DH so angry - wet myself in fear

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I know this is bad but it’s only just happened about half an hour ago and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have 2 young children with DH and pregnant with third.

He took the girls out for the morning, came back and went to make himself some lunch. He asked for his olives as I was standing organizing the fridge and I told him that I threw them out a couple of days ago as they went bad (furry mould kind of bad).

He absolutely hates food waste, we both do and we are both pretty good about not wasting food in general but it happens from time to time and I wasn’t going to keep furry olives in the fridge.

Problem is… he went absolutely mental. He has never done this before, he said that if I dared throw away any of his food again he will break my arms. He took the joint card off of me and told me that I am not to buy any food shopping. He threw a sippy cup across the room, called me a selfish bitch but it was his aggressive tone and the look in his eyes that basically sent my body weak and numb and I fully lost control of my bladder and wet myself in the kitchen. It was awful.

He has stormed out of the house and I’m sat in shock, honestly not knowing what to do or say. Luckily the girls were in the garden and didn’t appear to hear or see anything but my goodness he was raging with anger - enough to make a grown woman wet herself.

I’m so sorry. You need to go to a domestic abuse helpline and get support. Do you work, do you own your house, and are you actually married or just referring to him as DH (as many people do).

Do you have family or friends nearby?

We are married, I don’t work as youngest is not yet in nursery and I am about to give birth any time now.

I have people nearby but how on earth do I explain this to somebody… my own husband made me wee in the kitchen in fear because I threw away any few olives. This is crazy and I can’t make sense of it. He has never been so angry.

I imagine you will get lots of posts saying leave him, and that was my gut reaction, but it’s not that easy is it. So, do you consider yourself safe? Are your children safe? You could report this threatening behaviour to the police and it may well be an idea to log it.

Is it an isolated incident, or if you think about it, have there been others?

You know it’s unacceptable - the question is are you able to tell him this?

Best wishes to you.

If possible, I think k you should take the girls and go stay somewhere else for tonight.

once you’re safely out of the house, send someone you trust back to get change of clothes, toothbrush, mobile charger etc.

call a domestic abuse charity who will help you get safe and then you can plan your next steps.

how awful for you. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

Oh my God OP. Would you ring the police due to threats made? I'm so sorry 🍀

He threatened to break your arms. There's no coming back from that is there. Is this really the first time he's behaved like this?

You need to leave with the kids. NOW. Call womens aid. They will help you.

Whether he has form or not this is extremely dangerous (Im a social worker). He has threatened to break your arms and made you wet yourself in fear. Please leave immediately and get urgent professional support because you need it.

My thoughts are with you.

So sorry this happened - well done for writing it down and not minimising it. It sounds terrifying. Has this sort of thing happened before? If not, has he started taking steroids or something recently as this would be a weird behavioural change to happen out of the blue. Have you got someone you can trust to talk to? A friend or family member?

Terrifying. Could you go and stay with family this afternoon?

That is a bizarre and frightening reaction . I'm sorry that happened to you.

Obviously, your first priority should making sure that you and your children are safe. If this is genuinely the first time he's ever acted like this, then I would be concerned for his mental health though.

Agree with pp. He has threatened to break your arms. You don't feel safe. I would call the police.

Are you sure it wasn't your waters breaking?

You are extremely vulnerable here, OP. I think you should call the Police.

He threatened to break your arms, over some olives. Do not minimise this.

You say you've never seen him so angry, so you have seen him angry? I'm so sorry OP, you know it will only get worse.

Oh God. That is not ok.Can someone come and be with you?

Don't talk to him about it being unacceptable. And of course she doesn't feel safe? Even if she did, she clearly isn't with that threat.

She mustnt confront him at all. She needs to leave and get professional support. This is a dangerous man.

I'd get the dc and leave for a friends or family members house, its not normal to threaten to break your wife's arms due to any thing she has done, nothing at all warrants this behaviour.

Has he acted aggressively before? So much that you are in fear today. You are so lucky your kids didn't see this. It is very damaging to young kids and can affect in later life.

Agree with pp get out at least for the night and talk to someone in real life. It is absolutely unacceptable.

OP, I’m sorry to hear this. It sounds terrifying for you. If the girls are ok playing then get yourself into the shower and fresh clothes. Can you then go somewhere for at least the rest of the day (family? Friend?) with your children - take overnight bags.

I think you need to get out of the house and think clearly about what you do next. Perhaps a chat with the midwife tomorrow if you can arrange it.

For the avoidance of doubt please remember that you did nothing wrong. His actions and behaviour are his to own and what happened was a violent and scary abusive act on his part. He is in the wrong here. Do not let him persuade you otherwise. A common tactic ‘you made me do it’ (aka ‘the wife-beaters excuse’)

Take care, be strong

Don't gaslight yourself by saying how would you explain it. The olives were irrelevant, it's what he said and did that is relevant.

Phone a friend or family member and ask for help. You owe it to your children and your unborn child to ensure you are in a safe environment.

He threatened violence and was horribly aggressive. He is currently a threat to your safety and you really need to take that seriously.

You need to ring the police, do you have a friend or relative who will come and sit with you.

don’t be embarrassed, don’t be ashamed, this is all on him and he is an absolute danger to you and your dc.

if even be tempted to go get yourself and the baby checked and have the midwives help you call the police, this level of fear isn’t good for you.

Im no sure how you come back from this. He threatened physical violence if you do not obey him! Even if he is so so sorry etc etc, he still did it. Is there anywhere you can go to get help with the birth? Your mums? I’d be looking to physically distance myself from him while I digest it. If you have nowhere to go, perhaps you could report this to the police and say you are afraid to stay in your own home and get him removed. To be honest I’d report him anyway and ask for advice. As above, I’d go to a domestic abuse service like women’s aid to see what can be done. Please don’t ignore it, what happens if next time he takes his temper out on your baby? Oh and tell everyone why you are going, don’t hide it for him.

If a stranger threatened to break your daughter's arms, what would you do?
I couldn't be in the same house - I'd be terrified.
Do you have any family you can contact? Can they stay with you?

You need to get external help this is so far from normal i dont know where to start

he said that if I dared throw away any of his food again he will break my arms. He took the joint card off of me and told me that I am not to buy any food shopping.

You wet yourself in fear

I would start with th police and womens aid now.

I'd also consider the police.... they can act on:

Threats of violence
Intimidation
Coercive and controlling behaviour
Criminal damage or assault (throwing objects in a threatening way can count)

Even if he hasn’t physically hit you, a credible threat like “I’ll break your arms” can be enough for police involvement.

I would want the police to come now and ave him stay elsewhere. I wouldnt let him stay in the house tonight

Don't gaslight yourself by saying how would you explain it. The olives were irrelevant, it's what he said and did that is relevant.

Agree with this.

Oh love, I am so sorry this has happened to you. How close to giving birth are you? I think in your shoes I would be telling your midwife what has happened and asking her for help and support. Unfortunately you wont be the first very pregnant woman she's seen who's partner has become an abusive piece of shit during the pregnancy, midwives are trained to handle domestic abuse.

Get out of the house if you possibly can. Do you have supportive family or friends you could go to?