Never seen DH so angry - wet myself in fear

[Badsitu]

I know this is bad but it’s only just happened about half an hour ago and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have 2 young children with DH and pregnant with third.

He took the girls out for the morning, came back and went to make himself some lunch. He asked for his olives as I was standing organizing the fridge and I told him that I threw them out a couple of days ago as they went bad (furry mould kind of bad).

He absolutely hates food waste, we both do and we are both pretty good about not wasting food in general but it happens from time to time and I wasn’t going to keep furry olives in the fridge.

Problem is… he went absolutely mental. He has never done this before, he said that if I dared throw away any of his food again he will break my arms. He took the joint card off of me and told me that I am not to buy any food shopping. He threw a sippy cup across the room, called me a selfish bitch but it was his aggressive tone and the look in his eyes that basically sent my body weak and numb and I fully lost control of my bladder and wet myself in the kitchen. It was awful.

He has stormed out of the house and I’m sat in shock, honestly not knowing what to do or say. Luckily the girls were in the garden and didn’t appear to hear or see anything but my goodness he was raging with anger - enough to make a grown woman wet herself.

Two things can be true at the same time.

His actions were violent and unacceptable, and could also be the result of a mental health issues or other medical condition. They're clearly not the actions of a sane, previously non-aggressive man to threaten to break his wife's arms over some mouldy olives. It's completely illogical and bizarre.

And, as I said in my post, the OPs priority is still her and her children's safety.

@Badsitu I don't think a chain is enough. If he's still angry he could turn up any time and bang on the door, potentially knocking it down but definitely scaring you and the kids. I think you need to leave, and you need to let his family know what's happening in case he really is ill and needs some sort of mental health intervention. If you don't think he's ill and this is really his personality then PLEASE leave the house.

You are not safe with him OP and you are very vulnerable. You need to leave and take your children or call the police and report what he has done. Please don’t downplay it.

Food waste was one of my abusive ex’s triggers. If he saw that I’d put food in the food bin he would go mad, shouting at me for ages. It got to the point where I would sneak the waste out whilst he was in work, so that he wouldn’t see it. I’m so sorry OP, threatening to break your arms is awful. Please seek
some advice from Women’s Aid. Domestic abuse frequently escalates during pregnancy. Take care of yourself and your girls.

OP it’s the first time that I have read a post that has literally given me goosebumps and flipped my stomach.
You really must go somewhere with your children for today. Preferably a friend or relative and have a discussion with this man with a third party present.
Am so sorry that this has happened…what an absolute arsehole this man is .

You need to call the police.

you also need to tell someone. Pick someone you trust. A friend, a family member, a colleague, and tell someone. Don’t keep it hidden and don’t pretend it didn’t happen. What he has just done is not normal and there is no excusing it.

I took a call from a colleague once in a similar situation. She trusted me. I talked to her for hours until she was calm and supported her in the initial steps to get her head together. Once she had professional and family support I stepped aside. But she said afterwards that someone knowing gave her resolve to see it all through for her kids.

please keep yourself and your babies safe.

exh smacked me so hard across the face when I was pregnant it left a mark for a few days. I really wished I’d have left then.

it didn’t improve. He was a foot taller than me and he used to argue, but I was never scared of him until it turned physical.

What on earth am I hearing!
He threatened to break your arms if you touched his food again……
He sounds totally unhinged, tell your support network, you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.
Surround yourself with people who love and care about you as you concentrate on the birth of your next child.
There is absolutely no excuse for how he has just spoken to you/behaved, it’s so extreme it’s almost unbelievable.

Having been through this myself, there is something I really want you to understand ~ he might have threatened you for throwing out mouldy olives, but he would also have threatened you if he went to eat his olives and they were mouldy. You will NEVER be able to win, he will shift the goalposts until you go insane and he will convince that you will never be able to do simple tasks on your own and that you need him.

Get. Out. Now.

Phone the police to report this, they can also advise best steps.

Sounds to me like the prick doesn't fancy having a third baby and all that entails.

Good on you for locking him out. Don't let him worm his way back in, try and be firm in your resolve to get rid of him for good.

OMG and you about to give birth, you must be in bits. I am so sorry, but I'm not qualified enough to give advice. Others have been brilliant at that, listen to them, and I hope you will be OK. Good luck with the baby.

Op don't poke an angry bear

This.man could be very.dangeous.

Can you think and try and think why he did this ?

It obviously wasnt about olives !!

How old are the other children.
Has he slept well ? Job stress ?
Another woman ?

Money worries ??

As a complete trivial aside someone on here once suggested keeping a marker pen in the fridge to write down when things are opened.

It's not about the Olives

So he threatened you, insulted you & taken access to money away?

Any one of those would be a step too far for a lot of people.

The question marks didn't mean I expected her to be able to answer now, just that she might find out later, but as said not really a good enough excuse even then. Just trying to explain the inexplicable, apparently nice, normally reasonable, good husband looses it to the point of terrifying his wife over mouldy olives.

You need support and someone needs to know this happened in case it happens again and you immediately have someone to turn to. Find someone in your life you trust with this and start there. This is sickening. If he returns to the house after you asking him not to, call the police. Safety first, everything else after.

Also agree with pp to be transparent to people around you so they know.

My ex started like this, I put up with it as I just couldn’t get my head around leaving (had a severely disabled son) he attacked our son (5) so I picked up the phone to call the police. He snatched it out my hand but left (he’s high ranking police). My parents drove down from 2hrs away to change the locks. He never returned and now I’m happy with an amazing man

@catipuss I agree. And I asked similar questions
But that's not to excuse his behaviour either

OP you speak of not wanting upheaval - but upheaval is far more preferable -than having a new-born baby around someone who at present is mentally unstable or downright just dangerous.

Can you ask at least friend or relative to come and stay with you?
I don’t think your DH will stay out willingly. I also assume that he needs to go to work tomorrow so he will probably use it and “ it’s my house” excuse and things might get really heated.
I don’t think you need someone to explain him how bad it was. I think you need someone because you are vulnerable yourself and have small 2 kids with you.
I wouldn’t go into discussions/ quarrels/ explanations at this stage. If you can’t leave you need someone else to stay with you preferably someone who will behave calmly and neutrally at this stage.

Im so sorry you are going through it. Remember no excuse in the world could explain that. Whatever stresses or worries he had it wasn’t just one moment. He raised his voice, swore at you, took away card and threatened you. He did quite a lot so clearly meant it.

He gets angry from time to time but no more than anyone considered to be normal?!

I always wonder about this.

Is it normal to get angry?

Annoyed/frustrated but angry not.

Certainly not about food!

Who cares what happened in his head? Even if you could find out, which you can’t, it won’t change anything. You don’t need to move past it, you need to leave the relationship.

That’s ridiculous for him to get so angry about you throwing out his olives. He was probably on one because he had to do childcare for the morning. What makes it worse is that you are obviously heavily pregnant & that’s no way to speak to a pregnant woman let alone your own wife (mother to his two other children). I think you need to leave, or ask him to leave. Hopefully you have some support locally.

Threatening to break your arms over olives is awful, no wander you reacted the way you did. Have you anyone safe to tell in real life

Has he taken your kids? If not, get them in the car and get the hell away from there. Please OP, this won’t be the last time. My Dad was like this and I grew watching my mum terrified of upsetting him, it’s scarred me for life.