Never seen DH so angry - wet myself in fear

[Badsitu]

I know this is bad but it’s only just happened about half an hour ago and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have 2 young children with DH and pregnant with third.

He took the girls out for the morning, came back and went to make himself some lunch. He asked for his olives as I was standing organizing the fridge and I told him that I threw them out a couple of days ago as they went bad (furry mould kind of bad).

He absolutely hates food waste, we both do and we are both pretty good about not wasting food in general but it happens from time to time and I wasn’t going to keep furry olives in the fridge.

Problem is… he went absolutely mental. He has never done this before, he said that if I dared throw away any of his food again he will break my arms. He took the joint card off of me and told me that I am not to buy any food shopping. He threw a sippy cup across the room, called me a selfish bitch but it was his aggressive tone and the look in his eyes that basically sent my body weak and numb and I fully lost control of my bladder and wet myself in the kitchen. It was awful.

He has stormed out of the house and I’m sat in shock, honestly not knowing what to do or say. Luckily the girls were in the garden and didn’t appear to hear or see anything but my goodness he was raging with anger - enough to make a grown woman wet herself.

I’m sorry this happened but don’t waste time or risk yourself / your family trying to understand it.

Believe his actions and how he made you feel. this man is a threat to you all and not the person you thought he was. End of. Get out. Leave. It’s over.

I’m sorry but there is no excuse an no acceptable explanation.

you will be happy again. But not with him.

That's not true.
Lots of women experience domestic abuse early on in a relationship and still end up with 3 or more kids with the same abusive man.
It's widespread.

They've since had vasectomies as they don't trust women any more.
Btw condoms are notoriously unreliable so that's a weak argument.
The pill or coil are significantly better and it's women who get pregnant not men so the ball is in our court more than theirs.

Men are not all bad and women are not all good.
Anyone with that simplistic a view has their head in the clouds or the sand.

Why do you think that is?

Are you familiar with the cycle of violence and the spiral effect?

The vast, vast, vast majority of dv starts with gaslighting and coercion which is very difficult to pin point when you're actually living in the midst of it. Having a baby is often part of the honeymoon period and it's actually about increasing control. Then of course you have all the issues about access to birth control or being coerced into unprotected sex etc.

In all the years I've spent working with women affected by dv its actually quite rare that I've come across cases where theres been physical violence early in a relationship and the relationship has just continued. This is MORE common now in teenage relationships which move much faster through the cycle and spiral, but not in older relationships.

Men are not all bad and women are not all good.
Anyone with that simplistic a view has their head in the clouds or the sand.

Anyone who thinks that this is a useful response to a woman whose husband threatened to break her arms has their head somewhere quite different to the clouds or the sand.

Whenrealityhits you are working very hard in the realm of fiction to make this somehow the OP's fault. It isn't.

So we agree, men abusing women is extremely widespread.

i hope you're ok @Badsitu Been thinking of you and hope you get a chance to let us know you're safe x

I know this happened yesterday, but you need to call the police and report the threats, the violence (throwing the sippy cup) and the coercive control (taking the card).

This is horrific abuse, and sadly very typical when a woman is pregnant.

Have you called any family members to ask them to come and support you?
If not, why not?
Please don't hide this.

Please, please, go to the police.

You also need to call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247.
You need advice and support.
Leave your name and number and a time when it would be safe for them to call you back.

Agree.

The most basic, fundamental context in any relationship MUST be a feeling of complete safety on the part of both people.

I cannot imagine the OP will ever feel safe again with this man.

@Badsitu

You can confide in your midwife - and please do. Your midwife might be able to signpost you to resources available for you.

…and yet both felt entitled to assume women owed them contraception and/or abortions as required.

I find it astonishing how many men who don’t want children expect someone else to bear that responsibility, particularly someone who has said they do want children.

And for them to get all whiny after the fact with their flouncy “I can’t trust women” is beyond laughable.
Has it even occurred to you that they were the ones lying about knowing whether the women were on the pill?
Men who don’t want children should do their own contraception- fundamentally they know that too. They were just entitled and had to learn the hard way.

Give it a rest. Your input is ridiculous

I sincerely hope that the surgeon was female 😂
On another note , why are we entering into dialogue with these people?
This alleged female has come along and attempted to derail a cry for help from a woman who is so terrified of a man that she’s pissed herself
Let’s keep the thread supportive

OP, if you need to dial 999 you can press 55 to alert the call handler that you can't speak-this is how I called the police when my husband went beserk with me and our children in the house.They heard everything, and arrived to arrest him.He wasn't charged in the end but the point is he was banned from the local area, was in another part of the country on bail which gave me 2 months to get support, move etc.Because you are pregnant and because you have children you will be believed and supported.You can also download this app which alerts your contacts (of your choice) that you are in danger.Hope you are OK.https://www.police.uk/pu/contact-us/how-to-make-a-silent-999-call/#:~:text=Call%20999%20from%20a%20mobile,your%20call%20will%20be%20ended.
https://hollieguard.com/

OP, if you need to dial 999 you can press 55 to alert the call handler that you can't speak-this is how I called the police when my husband went beserk with me and our children in the house.They heard everything, and arrived to arrest him.He wasn't charged in the end but the point is he was banned from the local area, was in another part of the country on bail which gave me 2 months to get support, move etc.Because you are pregnant and because you have children you will be believed and supported.You can also download this app which alerts your contacts (of your choice) that you are in danger.Hope you are OK.https://www.police.uk/pu/contact-us/how-to-make-a-silent-999-call/#:~:text=Call%20999%20from%20a%20mobile,your%20call%20will%20be%20ended.
https://hollieguard.com/

Why are you concerned for this man, regardless of his reasons, or lack of?

OP, Im very concerned for you. Please consider speaking with women's aid, or the police.

And please speak to a trusted friend in real life.

This book is fantastic & well worth a read.

But to summerise it for th OP who has an awful lot on right now the answer to the question "Why does he do that?" is simply & depressingly "Because he can".

Because my dad did something very similar when I was a young teenager. He randomly snapped one day; shouted, raved, threatened everyone out of nowhere. Nothing like the kind, gentle father and husband he really was. He then left the house and jumped off a bridge.

So yeah, if my husband acted like this out of nowhere, having previously not been abusive in any way, I would be concerned.

OP might be out of contact here because she's gone into labour or may already have given birth given the shock and trauma of recent events in her life. I do hope she is OK whatever her current situation is.

@Idontspeakgermansorry In the nicest possible way you didn’t know what was going on between your parents and this snap could be something you saw first time but in reality it was one of many. Or others were just different.
Im really sorry about your dad and your whole experience.

It's actually not possible to try and tell someone in a nice way that their dad was probably abusive. Don't tell me you're sorry about my experience when you clearly don't believe my experience.

Sorry it’s my fault for not explaining my point clearly. No I was not saying that he was abusive I’m saying that maybe there was something else you didn’t know as you were a child, some problems, something he was unhappy about.

Well, obviously there were things he was unhappy about. That's why he had a breakdown and killed himself.

I'm not sure what your point here is. There could be any number of problems in the OPs husband's life that we don't know about either.

Well that has no effect on the danger he is currently presenting

Nope, it definitely doesn't. As I said in my first post, the OPs priority should be keeping herself and her children safe.

Literally all I said was that I would be concerned that this was some kind of mental health issue.