Never seen DH so angry - wet myself in fear

[Badsitu]

I know this is bad but it’s only just happened about half an hour ago and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have 2 young children with DH and pregnant with third.

He took the girls out for the morning, came back and went to make himself some lunch. He asked for his olives as I was standing organizing the fridge and I told him that I threw them out a couple of days ago as they went bad (furry mould kind of bad).

He absolutely hates food waste, we both do and we are both pretty good about not wasting food in general but it happens from time to time and I wasn’t going to keep furry olives in the fridge.

Problem is… he went absolutely mental. He has never done this before, he said that if I dared throw away any of his food again he will break my arms. He took the joint card off of me and told me that I am not to buy any food shopping. He threw a sippy cup across the room, called me a selfish bitch but it was his aggressive tone and the look in his eyes that basically sent my body weak and numb and I fully lost control of my bladder and wet myself in the kitchen. It was awful.

He has stormed out of the house and I’m sat in shock, honestly not knowing what to do or say. Luckily the girls were in the garden and didn’t appear to hear or see anything but my goodness he was raging with anger - enough to make a grown woman wet herself.

Are you…making excuses for him?

I’m so sorry he did that to you, it must have been terrifying. Call the police, tell your GP, tell your family, it will all be useful in future as a record.

Is he still a high-ranking police officer? It’s terrifying how many of these men are police officers. I’m so glad you got away from him.

Well, he should have thought of that before he fathered another child. It takes two...

Firstly, i am so so pleased that you have made the choice to share this. I am so sorry that this has happened.
You are not to blame.
Please make contact with a friend or family and arrange to stay with them.
You are not safe where you are and neither are your children.

A reasonable "man" would make no such threats. He needs to give you space and show he is sorry and really put the work in.
Ideally, there is no coming back from this (only my opinion) but if you are wobbling or worried about the family unit etc...remember he chose to explode, chose those disgusting words and clearly needs some help.
I wouldnt even be entertaining a discussion with him unless he was grovelling. So sorry for you x

Can you keep us all updated please really hope you are safe x x

@WhenRealityHitscould have the correct explanation, and if true, thats a massive reason to gtfo. It’s only going to get worse once there is a new baby in the house. And it will feel completely overwhelming to leave with three children, including one in nursery and a little baby.

Then he should have kept his dick in his pants until he has a vasectomy.

The most common time for domestic abuse to start is when women are pregnant. He lost it over some olives and threatened physical harm. There is also an element of coercive control with him taking your card and stopping you buying food. You need to seek help as this will get worse and at some point your kids will definitely see and hear what he does. If you have family/friends who can support you, call on them and report him for the behaviour. He needs to leave so you and the kids can stay safely in the house and have some consistency and security.

I think she has better things to do than keep us all updated. I want her to be safe too but she owes us nothing

Yes it does take two but women have more power in this regard than men.

Most married men rely on their wife using contraception.
Condoms are not nearly as reliable as the pill or a coil - that's a fact.
My husband and I used condoms at the start of our relationship until I got pregnant unexpectedly and ended up having an abortion.
I never relied on a condom ever again after that.

Also, a lot of women intentionally get pregnant again and again so that they don't have to go back to work. They convince themselves that their husband will "come round" but many don't and resentment festers.

it was his aggressive tone and the look in his eyes that basically sent my body weak and numb and I fully lost control of my bladder and wet myself in the kitchen. It was awful

I'm sorry OP. This is awful and you're heavily pregnant too. It's so far away from love.

Please don't let it become the new normal because the next incident will probably be worse. I hope you call the police and Women's Aid. It's scary, but I need you need strong support to deal with this.

I have no further advice to add to what's already been given.

I just wish I could give you a hug. What a horrible man

So does the OP. Some were suggesting she should leave. He has threatened her etc. Why should she leave? Something needs to happen before he can be in the house with her again.

@WhenRealityHits Lots of people get stressed for all kinds of reasons, but to tell a pregnant woman that you'll break her arms next time she throws out some mouldy olives? No. That is just far, far beyond an understandable reaction to stress.

This is it @Badsitu. Pregnant with third child. You do not work. You have fewer options. This is the escalation from He gets angry from time to time.

Shame on him op. I hope you are safe. 💐

If you want to understand what goes through his mind I highly recommend reading 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft - and everything will become crystal clear. In the meantime he has threatened to break your arms because he knows he can and that you are unlikely to leave him whilst heavily pregnant. However difficult it is you need to start telling everyone you know about this - your family, your best friend, your neighbours, the GP and the police if you can face it. Don't keep it quiet, tell people and keep telling them. That is the first step on the path to a way out.

Yes you’re right. Hence the bit about the solicitor… but, in the short term what can she do? It’s terrifying. He could return and carry out his threat. Surely involve the police.

Op this is totally normal that you are seeking to understand why he did what he did. But there is no good enough reason for getting into such a level of rage that you've physically intimidated your partner and then threatening to break their arms. There is no justification.

I actually think that going looking for one is quite dangerous because it opens the door wide for him to gas light you and try to convince you this is your fault in some way. At some point you have to decide where your line in the sand is and where your hard boundary is. And then when it's crossed you have to step away. Trying to understand is actually just you looking for a way to find hope that this can be fixed and you can excuse him. It's inexcusable..

If a man threatened to break my legs and I peed myself in fear, that would be the last time he would ever have the chance to do that again.

You have children and you need to protect them from this man.

I think you should call the police and log the threat he made, as it sounds terrifying. I know that sounds like a major step but think of it as if he never ever touches you or the children it will never matter that you spoke to the police, so it will only impact him if he escalates.
your midwife also really needs to know.
I too am really worried about you being stuck with this man with a tiny baby, please think through if there is anyone you can stay with, any family or friends. Preferably now, so he knows it’s not ok before he escalates, not later when he’s already escalated and you have a tiny baby to get out too. I know it’s hard to tell people but it is not your shame, and protecting your children is the most important thing. Protecting your children means protecting you, and right now that means telling several people about him. Starting with the police. Pick up the phone and dial.

If this is what you post on a thread started by a woman who wet herself because she was (justifiably) terrified of her husband then I suggest you have a serious problem and need help yourself.

That coupled with your bald statement that 'men can get violent when feeling trapped" makes me think you must be living in a very bad situation yourself. Normal people with normal relationships don't think like this.

Or maybe you just decided to be provocative - for fuck knows what reason.

The issue is if she does not involve the police, she can’t legally keep him out of the house without a Court order.

The police shouid issue a restraining order and that will keep him away from the house

To get get a court order kicking him out, an Occupation order, she needs to prove that he is a risk to her and or the children so he should be barred from the house

Without police involvement, or evidence of the risk of harm, such an application may fail. Courts don’t turf people out of their homes lightly

So her best bet by far is police. And now.

What on earth point are you trying to make?