Never seen DH so angry - wet myself in fear

[Badsitu]

I know this is bad but it’s only just happened about half an hour ago and I don’t know how to deal with it.

I have 2 young children with DH and pregnant with third.

He took the girls out for the morning, came back and went to make himself some lunch. He asked for his olives as I was standing organizing the fridge and I told him that I threw them out a couple of days ago as they went bad (furry mould kind of bad).

He absolutely hates food waste, we both do and we are both pretty good about not wasting food in general but it happens from time to time and I wasn’t going to keep furry olives in the fridge.

Problem is… he went absolutely mental. He has never done this before, he said that if I dared throw away any of his food again he will break my arms. He took the joint card off of me and told me that I am not to buy any food shopping. He threw a sippy cup across the room, called me a selfish bitch but it was his aggressive tone and the look in his eyes that basically sent my body weak and numb and I fully lost control of my bladder and wet myself in the kitchen. It was awful.

He has stormed out of the house and I’m sat in shock, honestly not knowing what to do or say. Luckily the girls were in the garden and didn’t appear to hear or see anything but my goodness he was raging with anger - enough to make a grown woman wet herself.

There's been an interesting programme on Radio 4 recently about reaction to certain medications turning people psychotic (or rather, making them have psychotic episodes) and doing things completely out of character. Obviously the OP needs to get away from him as she's not safe, but it's possible there's something behind it.

@SargeMarge

This. This. This. This. This.

OP, I see that it is not easy to disrupt your life from the norm. Conversely, it is very easy to make excuses about how this one a one off. It was out of character. It will never happen again.

But this is not normal. More, it is actually very shocking.

Aside from the threat - unacceptable regardless, but he said it to you for absolutely NOTHING - you have told us all everything that we need to know by him talking your bank card as punishment.

This is coercive, controlling behaviour and, I cannot emphasise enough, this is NOT ok.

Let go of the excuses and make a plan to get this man out of yours and your children’s lives.

IMPORTANT - always ring the police to escort if he comes to pick up his things from the home, or if you need to be around him. Also, make a dated log of what he said to you today.

Yes, sometimes people can have a psychotic episode out of the blue owing to some physical reason.

What a dreadful experience and shock this must have been for you and your children. How lucky you escaped and he was kept away from the children.

I think you are right to say watch out for someone becoming psychotic. The OP’s DH’s actions do not sound like any ordinary anger.

OP are you OK?

Honestly who are these victim-blaming misogynistic arseholes invading this site in the last few days? Where have they come from?

Well that says a lot about the people you know because I have never known anyone do it .

On a thread by a woman in a potentially very dangerous situation your post is beyond tone deaf. And completely inappropriate

There’s no reason for violent outburst, Just excuses and have all the ones that I’ve read. This is the pisses of the poorest.

Letting him get away with this will just give him the green light that he can treat you like that again in the future. You sound like you were absolutely terrified, I’m so sorry 😔

I'm not minimizing his behaviour.
OP has shared very little information other than that she is pregnant with her 3rd child and her husband just threatened to break her arms over something trivial.

Either he has always been abusive - in which case why have 3rd child with him or this is completely new and out of character. If the latter, then there is more to the story but the only information shared was about being pregnant which is why I linked the two.

I have a brother whose partner had two more children than he wanted and who claimed to have been on the pill. They broke up because he couldn't trust her any more. A brother in law left one of my sister's for accidentally on purpose getting pregnant a second time. She had pleaded with him for a second child but he didn't want one so she stopped taking the pill and soon after was pregnant again. Neither man threatened violence but both relationships broke down as a result.

I don't believe men suddenly change character.
I do believe a lot of women stick their head in the sand until they can't.

OP needs to divorce if married and stay away from this violent man.

OP hoping you are well and safe… you’ve not been back today.

I had a similar issue (terrifying verbal angry outburst) with my husband. I left, with the kids. It was the only way I could keep us all safe and it really hit home to him what he had done (there were months of behaviour sliding prior to this, but never such aggression). For us, it was a real turning point where he admitted for the first time that he had poor mental health and took full accountability, went to the GP, told his employer and even some of our friends what had happened. In the past 10 months we have done a lot of work and he has had a lot of support. I’m pleased to say we are in a much better place now, but he knows that if anything like that was ever to happen again, I would be out because he’s seen me leave before.

if something like what happens again? Believe them the first time.

I hope, OP that you are safe

Just stop. You are wildly extrapolating here and projecting your own miserable family circumstance into this thread when you've absolutely no justification to do so. It is not only unhelpful, it is victim blaming. It does not help the OP in any way.

This is such an insane post.

Like commenting on a cancer sufferer's post that 'we don't have all the information and ALL I'M SAYING is that I know three women who have faked cancer.'

Your input is contributing nothing and you should seek some kind of help if this is your response to OP's post.

Gosh, I think the men in your life need to learn about condoms.

And he saw you come back, and bring your kids back into it too.

They never change. It will always be under the surface and he could snap any time. And there you are with kids, choosing to stay with him.

OP, I hope you’re doing ok and that you have support around you.

I know that if someone says or does something completely out of character, you’re going to want to know what caused it, simply because it’s human nature to want to make sense of it. But when it comes down to domestic violence, there very often is no explanation. There’s no incident that caused it. There’s no stress or breakdown in mental health. It’s simply that he’s not bothered to control himself anymore. And there’s no coming back from that. I know you’ve got an imminent birth to contend with, but if you let this go, he’ll take it up a notch next time. You are not safe with this man. Giving birth alone will always be safer than giving birth with a man you’re frightened of.

Also, I can tell you from personal experience that kids hear when they’re in the garden. Or in their room. Or when their parents think they’re asleep. They hear and they see that their mum is upset and frightened and shocked, and doing her best to seem normal.

It is as simple as leaving him. It really is. It might mean staying in emergency accommodation or a refuge. It might mean claiming benefits. But you’ll be safe and won’t be waiting for the next explosion.

OP, I hope you are OK and have come to a decision that is right for you.
All of the posters saying call police /ltb /go to a hotel etc can be overwhelming and not necessarily the right cause of action right now.
Take care OP and I wish you well with your new addition

I honestly find it hard to believe too.....Usually someone is either abusive or they're not.

Abusive men, people, don’t go from nothing to abusive. It builds over time usually to a significant escalation point such as the one described by the op.

This is well known.

@Anon501178
It's never either/or. Abusers groom their victims, often for years, even decades. The key is patterns of behaviour.The "one-off" rage, the coldness, the silent treatment etc. are all explained by abusers as due to stress at work, financial worries, something their partber did. Then loving behaviour, and fun and affection.Until the next time. And the behaviour gets worse.Whilst this is playing out, it becomes the norm, then gaslighting and self-doubt make it so hard to realise what is happening.
There is nothing that can explain why a husband would threaten to break his pregnant wife's arms-the language he used is absolutely deliberate and calculated, by the way. If a mother has broken arms she can neither care for her baby nor her children nor herself.And would be utterly powerless and dependent upon her abuser for water/food/pain relief/personal care etc. etc. Op's husband is an enemy to her and their children and I pray to God she just phones the police-any embarrassment will be dissolved by the overwhelming relief at having told someone who has the power to remove or arrest and bail her husband out of the local area.

Are you okay today, OP?

@Badsitu don't want to put any pressure on you op as you're probably feeling a lot of it already but just wanted to say I'm thinking about you and hope you're doing okay.