URGENT - in-laws

[WorthyMintQuail]

I need someone’s help with this and your views of situation…

My child has been in out of hospital since the age of 9 months and consequently she has missed three out of the five birthdays as she’s been in hospital. This time round, we had a birthday party for her at a play centre.

Rewind slightly… my SIL is a cake maker and usually makes cakes for my kids for birthdays etc. this time round she never reached out to ask about what we wanted etc. We arent ones to ask or assume so went else for the cake. (One of my friends)

Fast forward to party day. It was a scooby doo themed party. I did everything myself and bought everything myself with the help of the husband the day before with party bags. My MIL comes into the party room which is in separate room from the play centre and starts asking me questions about the cake such as “who did the cake”, “why did you go to her for the cake” “what flavours are the cakes”. Questions that were odd to me, I turned round and answered said questions and also said “they don’t seem to of gone too well, as my SIL is ignoring me” to which she responded “are you surprised, we’re not exactly family. You didn’t include us in anything. You quite clearly don’t want us here”. I was dumbfounded. Anyway the disagreement kept going, I was getting upset, and my husband came in at this point, sticking up for me etc. Then my FIL comes in, same situation etc. Back and forth, back and forth. Till he leaves the room, and walks past my mum calling me a drama queen. My mum said that he shouldn’t say that and to which he turned to my mum and said “you better keep out of it, if you know what’s good for you”. Now, my instinct was to tell him to get out and leave so that’s what I did. Since this day I haven’t spoken to them and I don’t wish to ever. But I want to know other people’s views on this matter really?

The daughter in hospital is relevant, it shows that this isn't just another birthday it's a special party cos she's not spending it in a ward. If you haven't spent a lot of time in or around hospital yourself I can see how you'd not understand what a big deal this is for a small child.
OP is also saying that she's had a lot on over the last few years with said child in and out of hospital etc. Totally relevant.
PIL are rude and horrible. How dare they start a fight at a child's party, let alone a child that has had so few (see above, hospital stays etc). And FIL is totally out of line for threatening mum. What an AH. Who says "if you know what's good for you" anymore anyway? Is he a mobster?
MIL is batshit for bringing up the cake and SIL. If SIL is upset or whatever, she needs to put her big girl pants on and talk to OP herself. Not cry to get mother (if that's even what happened, maybe MIL is making mountains out of molehills).

Happy birthday to OPs daughter, hope she ha d a lovely party.
I'd give the ILs a wide berth, OP, and let DH sort them out. They at least owe you and your mother and apology.

They sound awful. My SIL is a cake maker by profession, sometimes she offers to do the children’s cakes, sometimes she doesn’t. When she doesn’t offer I assume she’s busy and make other plans. It has never been a problem!!

Well, you've had five pages of comments now @WorthyMintQuail so are you coming back to your thread?

Is there a back story?
Why did your MIL say
“are you surprised, we’re not exactly family. You didn’t include us in anything. You quite clearly don’t want us here”

Clearly how your FIL spoke to your DM was unacceptable

If my child was in and out of hospital from the age of 9 months I am perfectly sure that I wouldn't give a shiny shite what anyone else thought of their birthday cake.

They came to the party with chips on their shoulders and seems to me they're the ones who started this with their 'we're not family' shit over a stupid cake. I don't think you were out of line to stand up for yourself.

Why are you meeting with them tomorrow? Is this supposed to be some sort of 'clear the air' session because those don't often go well unless one party is happy to grovel to make it all go away. If it's a family occasion NOT at one of their houses and you must go (wedding, funeral, party, etc) then just avoid them.

Yes I do agree on that it doesn’t excuse the behaviour - I don’t think anyone has covered themselves in glory. Whilst I don’t think SIL was wrong to feel somewhat “shunned” over cake gate I think the right thing to do would’ve been for everyone (especially the PIL) to keep their gobs shut at the childs party, and let SIL raise it with them afterwards.

You maybe aren't going to update op but I'd just say you and your dh need to be a fully united front so you need to talk honestly with him before meeting with them. And tbh I'd be laying it out with him that they've really stepped out of line and behaved terribly to you and your family and its his job as your husband and dds father to keep them to account on that.

I'd be highlighting to them that you've had an extremely stressful time with your dc and so you'd expect them to understand they cannot be front and centre of your priorities as dc holds that spot. I'd also state that you didn't want to put sil under pressure to make a cake this year as she usually offers and felt that asking would be rude and could come across as demanding so while you've loved what she'd made before, you didn't want to assume she was able to go it this time.

But really op I'd expect your dh to be doing 99% of the talking and laying this out clearly in your defence. I'd also be expecting him to tell them they owe you and your mother an apology for the way they spoke. And he should be telling fil that if he makes any further threats to you or your family then he won't be included at such events going forward because that was completely out of line.

😆

This.

I am surprised how can an amazing cake become a shit cake only by being made 40 years later?

Might have helped to put that in your first post then.

Mind you, why are you meeting them tomorrow if you "don't wish to ever speak to them again"?

Why didn't you ask your SIL regarding the cake, if she usually makes your child a cake? You say it's because you aren't the type to ask, yet you asked someone else! Perhaps your SIL was waiting for you to tell her what you wanted? I'm guessing that your in-law's took umbridge to the fact you hadn't asked your SIL to make the cake or included them in any party plans??

Honestly, your in-laws are behaving ridiculously over not being asked to help party plan. No, you aren't obliged to have your SIL make a cake every year. However, you know your SIL usually makes your child a cake, if you were asking someone else, you should have told her. Equally, if you wanted her to make the cake, you should have spoke to her. Your FIL is completely out of order threatening your Mum.

Tomorrow be polite. Answer questions briefly but politely. Let your husband handle his parents.

You and your DH need to be a united front so you need to discuss before hand how tomorrow is going to happen, but generally life is way too short for this level of drama and I would try and wind back the drama.

Maybe your sister in law didn’t ask as she didn’t know whether your child was in hospital, maybe her and or your MIL had a lot of drama going on elsewhere. Maybe they don’t feel as involved as your parents etc

It sounds like everyone was stressed on the day and surely (unless there is more to this) the best thing for everyone is a reconciliation?

Who invites grandparents to a playcentre party? Is this a thing? What do they do except mill around waiting to sing then leave? .... oh that's right pass the time by starting fights 🤣.

So much drama over a bloody party they didn't even need to be at.

I hear of so many families on here and in real life who are 'no contact' or 'low contact' and it's all very sad. So much bitterness and hurt feelings.

The best way is to forgive and forget and get along. Who really wants to go through life estranged from their family over a misunderstanding? Sounds like your in-laws really want to be part of your life but you've hurt your SIL's feelings which unfortunately has led to a bit of a heated situation and everyone has said things they probably regret. Clear the air, move on. I'm sure you're all lovely people at heart. Maybe next time ask your SIL if she will make your cakes before anyone else- communication is the answer.

its not surprising. advances in materials, easy to access tutorials and visual technology means home bakers can make more attractive and complex cakes far more easily.

Hope it goes OK tomorrow OP.
MIL/FIL obviously knew there was a party, they turned up. S-I-L (know's it's your kids birthday) didn't offer to make a cake so you made your own arrangements. You rightly or wrongly assumed there was probably a reason she didn't offer and you didn't want to seem pushy. Yes?
MIL/FIL turn up at the party and make a scene and were rude to you and your DM. That was out of order.
For the sake of your DH and kids, try and stay calm. Don't make getting an apology your hill to die on unless you want years of this. But.... if it's the last straw and there's a huge backstory, well, how can anyone give an opinion really.

If SIL is a cake maker, why would you not ask her to make the cake if she’s done it every year? I think that’s why it looks like you have an issue with them.

Call in sick to the meet up, they could have ruined your child's birthday, and how dare the FIL speak to your mum like that. Concentrate on your own family, ignore them. They sound awful. Let your H deal with them.

My sister hasn’t spoken to me for more than twenty years because our brother asked me to decorate his wedding cake! Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I wouldn’t even meet with them again until they apologised for spoiling a child’s birthday and threatening your mum

🙄…immediately getting hard work vibes!

I agree - don’t enter into a feud over what seems to be about you not wanting to
impose on your SIL and her getting the hump for not being asked to bake the cake. It’s clearly a misunderstanding- poor communication. Maybe she assumed you’d ask, maybe you thought it was an imposition. It sounds like your in laws wanted to be involved in the party which is lovely and you hadn’t realised they were offended. Uncross the lines, reach out to them, try and move on. Life is too short. No one has done anything awful or unforgivable.

So they never even thought of your DD birthday until the party. I think it’s more likely they’ve forgot and went to the party to cause drama which you didn’t really need. They behaved like children in a playground over who made a birthday cake for a child that was having her first proper birthday party. I wouldn’t be having anything to do with them after showing you up like that.