URGENT - in-laws

[WorthyMintQuail]

I need someone’s help with this and your views of situation…

My child has been in out of hospital since the age of 9 months and consequently she has missed three out of the five birthdays as she’s been in hospital. This time round, we had a birthday party for her at a play centre.

Rewind slightly… my SIL is a cake maker and usually makes cakes for my kids for birthdays etc. this time round she never reached out to ask about what we wanted etc. We arent ones to ask or assume so went else for the cake. (One of my friends)

Fast forward to party day. It was a scooby doo themed party. I did everything myself and bought everything myself with the help of the husband the day before with party bags. My MIL comes into the party room which is in separate room from the play centre and starts asking me questions about the cake such as “who did the cake”, “why did you go to her for the cake” “what flavours are the cakes”. Questions that were odd to me, I turned round and answered said questions and also said “they don’t seem to of gone too well, as my SIL is ignoring me” to which she responded “are you surprised, we’re not exactly family. You didn’t include us in anything. You quite clearly don’t want us here”. I was dumbfounded. Anyway the disagreement kept going, I was getting upset, and my husband came in at this point, sticking up for me etc. Then my FIL comes in, same situation etc. Back and forth, back and forth. Till he leaves the room, and walks past my mum calling me a drama queen. My mum said that he shouldn’t say that and to which he turned to my mum and said “you better keep out of it, if you know what’s good for you”. Now, my instinct was to tell him to get out and leave so that’s what I did. Since this day I haven’t spoken to them and I don’t wish to ever. But I want to know other people’s views on this matter really?

Why is the thread “urgent”?

I would not have given business to another cake maker. You should have got it from your SIL. I would apologise tbh

Since this day I haven’t spoken to them and I don’t wish to ever. But I want to know other people’s views on this matter really?

but now you say you’re meant to be meeting them tomorrow? Why?

Do you pay for SIL’s cakes usually or not?
say that you were not sure if she wanted to do it as she didn’t contact you so went elsewhere in a hurry.
As to other questions say that you are having a really difficult time and you need support rather than judgement. Get upset and start crying.
I know it’s ridiculous but one of the way to beat drama is with more drama.

Well, she's apparently meeting them all tomorrow.

But she didn't include that in her rather rambling OP.

what is your relationship normally like with SiL? I mean presumably you told the inlaws the party date and invited them? Does SiL normally reach out and ask what the party child would like? Does she always expect to be asked? Did any of the inlaws offer to help I mean to put the best spin on it, there was a misunderstanding between you and SiL but it does sound to me as though this is not the whole story?

indeed

in fact she says she hasn’t any intention of ever speaking to them again in the op

If your SIL usually makes the cakes, then I can imagine it may have hurt her to see that you had had someone else make the cake. However, that in no way excuses your PIL speaking to you like that and especially the way your FIL spoke to your mum!

For god's sake, don't do this. Start crying on purpose because it's all too much? - NO. Deal with it properly and behave in a mature fashion and perhaps they will too.

I don’t know why either you or your husband didn’t either say to your SIL ‘I was just wondering about a cake for Susan’s birthday, don’t feel you have to do one but if you can we’d love it and her party is two weeks on Saturday’ or ‘Sandra is making a cake for Susan’s birthday two weeks on Saturday so just come and enjoy the party’

Just not saying anything to her when she always does the cakes is passive aggressive.

I’m a cake maker too, and I will always offer. But if it had slipped my mind, I’d expect my brother (your husband in this situation) to have reached out and said hey, are you still okay to make the cake as usual?

In your SIL’s shoes, I’d be pissed off you’re happy to pay elsewhere for a service you’ve presumably had for free from me for years. If you haven’t had it for free and you’re a paying customer, then I don’t know why you/your husband didn’t reach out to her to order your cake.

The rest of the drama is unnecessary, but I do think it all would have been avoided if you didn’t slight your SIL in this way.

I’d guess @WorthyMintQuail doesnt like her SIL one bit

Yes.
So none of it makes sense, really.

Why are you seeing them tomorrow?

Personally I wouldn’t be meeting with them, I’d be done with the in-laws.

be nasty to me all you like but do not speak like that to my mum. I’d be furious if a man tried to intimidate my mum like that. He sounds vile.

all this drama over a bloody cake and no communication.

And I doubt we’ll ever get the truth if the situation

"Since this day I haven’t spoken to them and I don’t wish to ever."

How is this going to work if you're meeting up with them tomorrow?

Nobody seems to have covered themselves in glory here but if FIL spoke to my mother like that he would be dead to me and I would absolutely not spend one second in his company ever again!

From the OP:

"Since this day I haven’t spoken to them and I don’t wish to ever"

And in response to everyone asking why it's urgent:

"It's urgent because I’m meeting with them tomorrow. Please if you’re not going to post anything nice, don’t post anything at all. There’s really no need"

Why are you meeting with them? If you 'have' to (can't imagine why), just tell the truth - your SiL didn't offer and you didn't wish to seem entitled so you bought one elsewhere. I would though, make it clear that you don't appreciate your Mum being verbally intimidated, and that bullying comment was completely out of order.

When did party happen op ?
If just leave it to your hubby allow him to facilitate any contact they have with your little one and stay out of it .
Try not to let his relationship with them affect your family life and accept it for what it is .
Do t give it headspace or dwell to much just cut off and use the time your dp spends with his family as a bit of time for yourself

If the cake was the issue it seems totally out of proportion, however I suspect that this has been an issue discussed and brewing for some time. They seem to feel excluded. Without blame on either side I would recommend that each side states their grievances without a response the each side goes away to think about what they could do differently,

Sounds like there's a lot more behind this and the cake just tipped everyone over the edge.

When you say your daughter has been in hospital for most of her birthdays, did you still do something for her when she was out of hospital? Have your in laws always felt left out or second best to your parents? Your FIL was very rude to your mum and should apologize but it sounds like they're resentful towards your parents possibly having more of a relationship with your child then they do? And they blame you?

About the cake, you probably should have asked your sil if she wanted to do the cake before going ahead with someone else but I don't really think that's the big deal here.

You either go low contact because you really know these relationships or you try and talk to them tomorrow if you think it's worth it and if they'll listen and you'll also listen to them. Good luck.

I think a big over reaction from both sides. The same sort of family disagreement which happens all the time. Bit inappropriate to have all this going on at your child's birthday party.

What does your husband think about all of this, OP?