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Original poster

URGENT - in-laws

175 replies

WorthyMintQuail · 21/02/2026 19:58

I need someone’s help with this and your views of situation…

My child has been in out of hospital since the age of 9 months and consequently she has missed three out of the five birthdays as she’s been in hospital. This time round, we had a birthday party for her at a play centre.

Rewind slightly… my SIL is a cake maker and usually makes cakes for my kids for birthdays etc. this time round she never reached out to ask about what we wanted etc. We arent ones to ask or assume so went else for the cake. (One of my friends)

Fast forward to party day. It was a scooby doo themed party. I did everything myself and bought everything myself with the help of the husband the day before with party bags. My MIL comes into the party room which is in separate room from the play centre and starts asking me questions about the cake such as “who did the cake”, “why did you go to her for the cake” “what flavours are the cakes”. Questions that were odd to me, I turned round and answered said questions and also said “they don’t seem to of gone too well, as my SIL is ignoring me” to which she responded “are you surprised, we’re not exactly family. You didn’t include us in anything. You quite clearly don’t want us here”. I was dumbfounded. Anyway the disagreement kept going, I was getting upset, and my husband came in at this point, sticking up for me etc. Then my FIL comes in, same situation etc. Back and forth, back and forth. Till he leaves the room, and walks past my mum calling me a drama queen. My mum said that he shouldn’t say that and to which he turned to my mum and said “you better keep out of it, if you know what’s good for you”. Now, my instinct was to tell him to get out and leave so that’s what I did. Since this day I haven’t spoken to them and I don’t wish to ever. But I want to know other people’s views on this matter really?

OP posts:
DotAndCarryOne2 · 21/02/2026 21:24

I can see SiL’s POV if she has always done the cake, but l can also see OP’s side of things if there was no offer forthcoming - especially if SiL doesn’t charge for the cakes, as it feels a bit cheeky. FiL was well out of order speaking to OP’s mother like that - it was a threat and l wouldn't be speaking to him again until he apologised.

But the biggest thing for me is the fact that this was one of the only two birthdays OP’s DD has spent out of hospital, and these churlish people didn’t give ruining it a second thought. Unless there’s a huge back story we’re not getting it would seem to be entirely about the cake and OP not making them feel welcome enough. Well newsflash, it wasn’t about them, it was about a sick little girl having a very rare birthday party outside of a hospital bed. I’d find their behaviour very difficult to forgive.

Harrietsaunt · 21/02/2026 21:24

Why would you be meeting them tomorrow? I wouldn’t bother.

pteromum · 21/02/2026 21:27

Why did you say

they don’t seem to have gone to well? About a friends cake.

I don’t get it?

why did you not ask SIL as many others have said.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Alcoholrecovery · 21/02/2026 21:27

Itsmetheflamingo · 21/02/2026 20:15

I think not getting the cake from your SIL was a pretty bold move. My MIL makes fairly shit cakes (they would’ve been amazing in the 80s and she’s kept that vibe) and I have always asked her to make the GC cakes because it makes her so proud and feel useful.

but there must be more to it than cakes

this is so nice. And this is what makes the world go round without you falling off. Do things that make other people feel good and appreciated.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 21/02/2026 21:29

morebutterthantoast · 21/02/2026 21:22

I wouldn't have approached SIL about the cake if it wasn't brought up by SIL herself, either. Just because she has always done in it the past, doesn't mean she wants to keep doing it every year, ongoing.
Your FIL sounds pretty horrible.

💯
I think if an offer wasn't forthcoming from SiL in the usual fashion it was okay to assume she wasn't interested or able and not want to seem entitled by asking.
PiLs sound unhinged.

Woodfiresareamazing · 21/02/2026 21:31

WorthyMintQuail · 21/02/2026 20:06

its urgent because I’m meeting with them tomorrow. Please if you’re not going to post anything nice, don’t post anything at all. There’s really no need.

This info was missing from your first post. Also, when was the party? ie how long has it been since you saw them? Why are you meeting them tomorrow? What is your husband's view?

Theredjellybean · 21/02/2026 21:31

It sounds like an episode of EastEnders...
Honestly I cannot imagine behaving like this at a child's party.
Why didn't you just tell MiL that your friend offered to make cake and as SiL hadnt..you presumed she didn't want to. Then say sorry if you had misunderstood, and say same to SiL...but sounds like you all like the drama

saraclara · 21/02/2026 21:32

It sounds like a lot of drama that could have been saved with some communication

That. And the drama will continue if you refuse to have anything to do with them.

No-one covered themselves in glory. So I'd just go through the motions tomorrow, being perfectly pleasant but not getting involved in any more dramatics. If the cake is mentioned, simply say that SIL hadn't mentioned it, and as the friend volunteered one, you took her up on it. You could be generous and say that you recognised that you probably should have mentioned it.

C152 · 21/02/2026 21:32

safetyfreak · 21/02/2026 20:59

That's really sad. Did you not stand up for your mother?

Show quote history

No, at the time I was crying upstairs with my newborn, because of the horrible behaviour of now exH. (Apple didn't fall far from the tree there.) We were both taught not to rock the boat, to rise above and ignore the poor behaviour of others, that it was our job to make others around us feel comfortable etc. I can't say that approach served either of us well and I try not to do it anymore.

GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf · 21/02/2026 21:33

Nah if someone spoke to my mum like that I don’t care who they are I’d be raging and they’d be giving her a sincere apology and they better hope she accepts it. Bet your FIL wouldn’t have said that if your dad or your mums partner (if she has one) was stood next to her.

I hope your DD at least enjoyed her birthday and got all the presents she wanted.

Resprayingmyaferraris · 21/02/2026 21:34

As pp said it sounds more like there is a.backstkry .
How does your sil normally contact you to make cakes ?
Why didn't you approach her.

But over riding all of that is a little girls 5th bday that's not been spent in hospital and ok let's say sil was hurt and bewildered surely the over riding emotion here and importance is ops DD and being well and having a good bday.

Your in laws have shown their merit and mettle by letting how sil feels over a cake feels like it gives them licence to cause uproar, bad nasty feelings around what should be a very special day

They seem to have the sense and emotional maturity of college frat boys on their first.cancun holiday

Miranda65 · 21/02/2026 21:34

Who really lives like this? Why is such utter trivia considered urgent? Absolutely everyone involved needs to grow up.

Piknik · 21/02/2026 21:38

The only thing in this nonsense drama that needs addressing is the way your FIL spoke to your Mum.

They are your DH family - leave it to him to sort. Facts as i see them and that you and DH can communicate if you want to:

  • SIL didn't offer a cake, you didn't want to demand one so sorted it.
  • Absolutely ridiculous that this caused a drama
  • Completely unfair to upset OP whilst she is trying to host DC party - especially as it's one of the few celebrated outside of hospital
  • And more importantly, what on earth was FIL thinking threatening your mum?
deadpan · 21/02/2026 21:39

It all seems a major issue for asking your friend to make a cake. Did they really think you'd only buy cakes from your SIL for the rest of your life? Surely they knew by the time it came to their granddaughters birthday that you and your husband had gone elsewhere. They will have realised weeks before and got themselves wound up in to a frenzy, how pathetic.
No vitriol directed at your husband I bet, because you're the evil harpie. God I hate in-laws. I'd play it cool and calm when you see them, remember that you're upset too, not just them. Im glad you had support from your husband, I didn't when my in-laws decided to flip for literally no reason.

Eggybreadwithnuts · 21/02/2026 21:39

So every other year when the SIL has baked cakes, how has it come up?
Why didnt you ask as time got on...why didnt you call her and ask if she would like to do the cake as she has done for all the others. Simple solution really...no as if it was a stranger

Lostworlds · 21/02/2026 21:40

Your FIL comment towards your mother was wrong and I wouldn’t tolerate that.

Everything else seems dramatic! Instead of waiting for your sister in-law to offer, why not just ask in advance if she’s able to make the cake?

it seems like she was upset and your MIL asked questions as to why you didn’t ask her to make the cake. These questions seemed to push your buttons and then it looks like it all went too far.

It’s up to you how you act towards them tomorrow, if you want to move past it then be polite and leave it be. If you don’t want to have a relationship then explain that to your dh and try avoid them.

LakieLady · 21/02/2026 21:41

Itsmetheflamingo · 21/02/2026 20:15

I think not getting the cake from your SIL was a pretty bold move. My MIL makes fairly shit cakes (they would’ve been amazing in the 80s and she’s kept that vibe) and I have always asked her to make the GC cakes because it makes her so proud and feel useful.

but there must be more to it than cakes

I'm so used to seeing GC used in a different context that I just spent at least a second wondering wtf a gender critical cake looks like...

Namechange568899542 · 21/02/2026 21:42

Sounds like everyone handled the situation terribly. To be completely honest though from my perspective it reads as though you were happy to have cakes made by your SIL when she was offering it for free but as she didn’t reach out this time you’d rather pay someone else to do it, than reach out and possibly have to pay her? I can see why she’d be somewhat upset as it gives off the vibe that you only think her work is good enough when you don’t have to pay for it.

NewZebra · 21/02/2026 21:43

I don’t see how you did anything wrong. They sound like knobs.

UncannyFanny · 21/02/2026 21:48

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 21/02/2026 20:02

😧 all that drama from them because you decided to buy a cake for your daughter rather than ask your sil to make it?

…And they would have got away with it too if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!

Sgreenpy · 21/02/2026 21:50

Just be polite, keep attending 'things', invite them, etc but if they want to he arseholes they will be.
I haven't seen my in laws properly since my son was 5 - hes 19 in April.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 21/02/2026 21:50

Namechange568899542 · 21/02/2026 21:42

Sounds like everyone handled the situation terribly. To be completely honest though from my perspective it reads as though you were happy to have cakes made by your SIL when she was offering it for free but as she didn’t reach out this time you’d rather pay someone else to do it, than reach out and possibly have to pay her? I can see why she’d be somewhat upset as it gives off the vibe that you only think her work is good enough when you don’t have to pay for it.

But, surely that doesn't excuse the behaviour? SiL could've said, Sorry I was caught up and forgot about niece's cake. Next time ask me. Or, why didn't you just ask me?

SiL was always the one to offer and never needed to be asked. I think the onus is on her. 🤷‍♀️ PiL are batsheeet, though.

elfendom1 · 21/02/2026 21:51

You sound a bit 'off' OP. What is relevant about your daughter being in hospital? You just launch in with that and launch out with well FIL made a threat, no doubt to get audience sympathy but it it is too obvious, the whole thing sounds weird, why don't you just say what you are really upset about?

Lavender14 · 21/02/2026 21:52

What has your husband said about it?

Specifically about the choice of cake, the comments made by his mother and most of all the threat made by his father to your mother?

Was he consulted in the decision not to approach sil about the cake?

PippaToryFripp · 21/02/2026 22:00

Why meet them tomorrow if you don’t wish to speak to them again?