URGENT - in-laws

[WorthyMintQuail]

I need someone’s help with this and your views of situation…

My child has been in out of hospital since the age of 9 months and consequently she has missed three out of the five birthdays as she’s been in hospital. This time round, we had a birthday party for her at a play centre.

Rewind slightly… my SIL is a cake maker and usually makes cakes for my kids for birthdays etc. this time round she never reached out to ask about what we wanted etc. We arent ones to ask or assume so went else for the cake. (One of my friends)

Fast forward to party day. It was a scooby doo themed party. I did everything myself and bought everything myself with the help of the husband the day before with party bags. My MIL comes into the party room which is in separate room from the play centre and starts asking me questions about the cake such as “who did the cake”, “why did you go to her for the cake” “what flavours are the cakes”. Questions that were odd to me, I turned round and answered said questions and also said “they don’t seem to of gone too well, as my SIL is ignoring me” to which she responded “are you surprised, we’re not exactly family. You didn’t include us in anything. You quite clearly don’t want us here”. I was dumbfounded. Anyway the disagreement kept going, I was getting upset, and my husband came in at this point, sticking up for me etc. Then my FIL comes in, same situation etc. Back and forth, back and forth. Till he leaves the room, and walks past my mum calling me a drama queen. My mum said that he shouldn’t say that and to which he turned to my mum and said “you better keep out of it, if you know what’s good for you”. Now, my instinct was to tell him to get out and leave so that’s what I did. Since this day I haven’t spoken to them and I don’t wish to ever. But I want to know other people’s views on this matter really?

Cant understand why you didnt just say you dudnt want to keep "putting upon your SIL". And youbthought youd do her a favour, give her a break from cake making.

Your FIL threatened your mother. That's all I'd need to have NC with him unless he gave her a solid apology and said he'd never do it again. A second offense of that nature and there would be no second chances.

I can see why SIL would be disappointed you didn't ask her to make the cake and might take it as a snub, but this is really a whole lot of drama over nothing. Unless there's more to it?

If my MiL told me she felt left out I would try to find out why. Your FiL was rude to your mum but I would try not to have a family falling out at a kid's party. Surely everyone was there because they care about your DD and are happy that she was well enough to have a birthday party this year.

You haven't given a lot of detail, so this is all a guess, but my initial take is:

You've been pretty self involved as a family for the last 5 years (totally understandable given your DD's issues) and your in-laws have fragile egos and a lack of consideration for how hard this has been for you. So without realising it, you have made them feel like you have no interest in them (perhaps, in their minds, they think you feel you're too good for them, or similar).

SiL not reaching out about the cake maybe due to this too, or it may have just been because she had something of her own taking up her bandwidth. In any case, you're feeling a bit neglected on what is a particularly special birthday because DD isn't in hospital this year. You're, perhaps, expecting everyone to feel that extra special bit and so are a bit blindsided that your in-laws feel sidelined in your life (and feel it appropriate to mention it at the party). You get defensive. Your in-laws get defensive. The situation escalates.

Your in-laws don't sound like they have great social skills or a particularly generous spirit, and what your FiL said to your mother was really out of order. So I get why you feel like you never want to see them again. But they are still your DH's parents and your DC's grandparents, so if I'm right about this all stemming from them incorrectly feeling pushed out because you haven't had much time for them, it might be worth trying to reset with them. What do you (and DH) want long term?

If your SIL always makes the cakes for your children's birthdays, why didn't you ask her to make this one? It sounds like you've gone out of your way to cause an upset to be honest.

What I think about this situation is.....it's a bloody cake, who cares where you got it from? They ruined their granddaughters party over a fekking cake and now next year you'll probably be antsy about ordering because of this situation. So silly of them tbh.

Also I really need to know what happened at the meeting today? Tell me they apologized.

"...they don’t seem to of gone too well,"

Its upto you if you want to talk to them again. It depends on how much value they have to you and the child.

On the surface this is about a cake, but rarely are situations like this just about the seemingly innocent incident. There's obviously been stress owing to your Childs health, so I'm curious about the impact this has had on everyone. If you are meeting them tomorrow (today), then what you do depends where/why you're meeting them and your readiness to engage in aeaningful conversation. If the place and why isn't an appropriate place, then stating this if they do bring something up would be perfectly understandable. However this doesn't mean you also have to endure passive aggressiveness etc, move away and do what you need to do. If you are prepared to have a meaningful conversation into whatever is under all of this (and you want too actually move towards a repair) then you could suggest that a date is made to have this conversation (again I wouldn't propose doing this today as I'm imagining the meet up is for something else?). Then of course you always have the option of staying away. Having a poorly kid is extremely taxing and having to deal with this too could add unnecessary stress for you. Ultimately its you and your little family that matter. Now if you can't think of anything that could have triggered this and it was just a cake, leave them to it, because there are some people who will fall out with themselves in a phomebox, and then blame you and tell everyone they can about how hard dome by they are! Let them argue amongst themselves and walk away.

FIL's comments to your mother were completely unacceptable, regardless of who should or should not have made the cake. At the very least he should offer a sincere apology to your mother but I would have serious concerns about anyone who threatened a member of my family, and would be civil but very LC with them from now on. Certainly wouldn't invite them to any family occasions in the near future.

😂😂

Perfectly normal to invite grandparents. In my case and most other grandparents I know, I'm hands on, so pitch in and help out.
@elfendom1 of course the OP's child being in and out of hospital and therefore not being guaranteed to be able to have a birthday celebration, is relevant.
OP, emotions must have been running high for everyone. There's been a breakdown in communication and your DH is equally responsible. As the pp suggested, stick to you not wanting to appear pushy and were waiting for them to get in touch. It's strange that there's been no communication about the party between you all, though.

I remember my DMs response to our first play centre party was, "I'm happy to pay for some of it as long as we don't have to go anywhere near it" 😆

It's hard to follow the various threads here as some of them appear contradictory. That sometimes happens with text on the www.

The birthday cake is a 'don't sweat the small stuff' issue. A failure of communication, as this was, doesn't have to be an insurmountable problem and amounts to a whole lot of angst over not very much.

Your FiL's behaviour to your mother is outrageous and you were quite right to ask him to leave.

The really important issue here is the health of your DD and the course of action that would most promote her wellbeing. All-out NC is going to rupture her relationship with her grandparents and possibly DH's siblings in law. In some circumstances that's sadly unavoidable and has to be borne as the cost. But I'm not sure this merits that kind of scorched earth response.

Grey rock might be the way to go here, together with an admission that it's unfortunate about the cake but no offence was intended and DDs situation is understandably taking up most of the family's energy at present. I can understand you don't feel you want to talk to him, OP, and agree it's annoying that the in-laws have made the birthday of a sick child all about them. But in your shoes, I'd be guided by what's in her best interests. A divided family, unless unavoidable, doesn't currently fit that bill.

Hope today wasn't too onerous for you.

good for you Worthy xxxx

What a question to ask. It's urgent because it's urgent for her. Why is that our business.

Your DH needs to have a conversation and make things clear. This sounds like a case of misunderstanding that has just blown up, and really they do seem to have overreacted.
Whether you go low contact or no contact with them is up to you. Low contact would be less stressful in the long run I suspect.

If you shout urgent in Your thread title, completely reasonable to ask!!

@WorthyMintQuail supposedly met them all today

Some good phrases here. But mostly you deserve an apology as well as an explanation. You’re not the drama queen here.

Interesting how your MIL cornered you on your own about this and chose not to speak to her son or both of you. Classic overbearing behaviour.

Hopefully your DH backed you to the hilt today and did not leave you alone with them for a moment. Depending on how they behaved, going very low/ no contact is an option.

Not far off.

OP you should have reached out and messaged them well in advance about party, venue etc. “Looking forward to celebrating dc birthday with you all”. If your DH did that in your name as well then I’m surprised at the reaction you got from your in-laws.

Given what has happened I’d not meet them tomorrow. Let your husband be the diplomatic one a make sure he has your back. I wouldn’t rush to be in a room with a family member who threatened my Mum.

Let your husband explain that you were busy and rushed and it wasn’t a deliberate decision to exclude anyone. I’m guessing there’s some backstory about perceived grievances for MIL to blurt out that you don’t consider them family.

Christ what a nightmare. My neighbour used to drive me nuts every time I went into the garden...oh Lisa can you cut this back, leave this high blah blah...oh Lisa blah blah. Then we had a massive row. Now we don't talk and its great. I can go in the garden without hearing her grating voice. So you have the same. Enjoy your own family. They've made their bed.

We aren't ones to ask or assume

ALL the initial problems stem from this, imo

If you had reached out and asked if SIL had time to make the cake and if SIL and MIL would be able to help a little with the party. .....literally none of this would have happened.....none of it

It's as though you've only just met your husbands family and dont know them at all. It's so odd that , knowing how they are and who they are, you made the choices about the party which you did

However you are where you are. Your FIL was vile to your Mother, I couldn't let that go.

But why oh why werent you simply inclusive from the outset?

I think op try to put it behind you.

From what you have written they over-reacted, but do you really want to fall out over something so trivial?

If they raise it, maybe try just saying:

"I am sorry if the cake caused offence. It hadn't been meant to. Because SIL hadn't offered, I thought organising it myself was the right thing to do. I'd love SIL to do it next time and perhaps we [you don't need to say I] should have communicated better. Can I suggest we all put it behind us; I am willing to."

I don't really understand your OP...

MIL and FIL interrogated you about a cake at a birthday party. And you replied explaining that as SIL hadn't offered but your friend did, friend made the cake.

End of. Was SIL upset or bothered then? Why the IL interrogation?