URGENT - in-laws

[WorthyMintQuail]

I need someone’s help with this and your views of situation…

My child has been in out of hospital since the age of 9 months and consequently she has missed three out of the five birthdays as she’s been in hospital. This time round, we had a birthday party for her at a play centre.

Rewind slightly… my SIL is a cake maker and usually makes cakes for my kids for birthdays etc. this time round she never reached out to ask about what we wanted etc. We arent ones to ask or assume so went else for the cake. (One of my friends)

Fast forward to party day. It was a scooby doo themed party. I did everything myself and bought everything myself with the help of the husband the day before with party bags. My MIL comes into the party room which is in separate room from the play centre and starts asking me questions about the cake such as “who did the cake”, “why did you go to her for the cake” “what flavours are the cakes”. Questions that were odd to me, I turned round and answered said questions and also said “they don’t seem to of gone too well, as my SIL is ignoring me” to which she responded “are you surprised, we’re not exactly family. You didn’t include us in anything. You quite clearly don’t want us here”. I was dumbfounded. Anyway the disagreement kept going, I was getting upset, and my husband came in at this point, sticking up for me etc. Then my FIL comes in, same situation etc. Back and forth, back and forth. Till he leaves the room, and walks past my mum calling me a drama queen. My mum said that he shouldn’t say that and to which he turned to my mum and said “you better keep out of it, if you know what’s good for you”. Now, my instinct was to tell him to get out and leave so that’s what I did. Since this day I haven’t spoken to them and I don’t wish to ever. But I want to know other people’s views on this matter really?

I feel bad behaviour from in laws but depends if you want to get on for the sake of the children. Maybe just apologise and they apologise then go from there.

How did you get on today op? Did you get any more clarity or decide a plan for moving forward with your dh? Hope you're OK..

He is the only one I find sinister here. SIL is either rude or absent minded not to ask about the cake, if she was happy to do it.
If MIL genuinely feels you don't include them as equal grandparents, she has the right to talk to you (respecting that your kid has been through so much more than most), but she shouldn't have done it then. She should have sent a message saying she'd love to see you more, and is there anything she could do to help make this easier for you around work/childcare whatever. If you and your partner really have tried to include her as much as possible, then you are not to blame, but I'd give her/SIL another chance, as they weren't threatening. FIL wouldn't be seeing me/my child alone unless he apologised and completely changed his behaviour.

Anyone who threatened my mum would be experiencing instant regret.

Hope it went OK today.

Unless there’s more to it, IMHO they’ve been extremely churlish and self-centred.

They should’ve been so happy your DC was able to enjoy her birthday. And wanted to support you and your DH in celebrating with her. You could’ve perhaps asked if your SIL fancied baking a cake. But, equally, she could’ve offered. You had a lot to organise.

However, the behaviour of both PILs (and SIL if she didn’t speak to you) at their GC’s birthday party was appalling. For FIL to threaten your mum is dreadful.

But IMHO it’s best not lower yourself to their petty behaviour by refusing to speak. Be civil and mature. Rise above it. Not least for the sake of your DC and DH. If they want to be nasty, it’s their problem, not yours. If they didn’t apologise you can keep them at arms length, e.g. no more birthday invites.

I would be telling FIL he needs to apologise for threatening my mum or he won’t be having anything to do with my children or me

Your instincts are right- I’d have kicked them out the second they started being drama llamas at my child’s birthday party. Threatening someone else (your mum in this case) would mean I’d wash my hands of them and having else to do with them. The apology from them would have to be particularly grovelling after this trashy behaviour.

I hope your child has many more birthdays not celebrated in hospital going forward.

Be pleasant but take no nonsense. I’d give your Fil a wide berth.

What is it about SILs and cakes on here? There was another thread a couple of weeks ago about a SIL who gave a gluten-free birthday cake to her kids (the cake was the OP's).

It strikes me that people need to find a sense of proportion about cakes.

Yes they would certainly have been told to leave and I wouldn't be spending time with them again.

It would have helped if you'd made it clear why this is urgent.. mm.

Anyway - does your SIL normally make a cake - which you pay for... or does she make a cake as a gift?

That may make a difference - if you normally buy a cake from her and this time you took your custom elsewhere, that could be recieved like a kick in the flaps.

If she normally offers, didn't this time and you have a friend who makes cakes and they offered... different story.

But it does sound like theres a lot more back-story here than just a cake. If you want constructive advice, you probably need to spill it, or any advice you get is likely not going to apply.

I suspect the OP left the thread after the first few replies!

But why should the op appease the in-laws? She’s done nothing wrong so why are you advocating for her doing all the grovelling? Her FIL threatened her mother - should she just stfu about that too? Honestly… 🙄 this people pleasing martyrdom can fuck right off.

I agree with taking the high road of dignity but what you are suggesting is just being a doormat. You don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. They need to take responsibilty for their actions and apologise.

It sounds like there is more to this than the cake. If there isn't then they are being unnecessarily horrible. I think you might have explained better than you didn't want to ask about the cake but it sounds like a big drama for no reason.

I am sure you think this is urgent ….but it’s not.

Your sister in law ruined your daughter’s birthday with her behaviour and your father in law threatened your mother.

Personally, I would see this as a gift and cut all contact with them. They aren’t safe people.

And who can blame her?

This exactly!! Why do some people bother?! How did it go today?

I had a horrible experience with my MiLs live in partner where we stayed there over Christmas and I don’t know what to do when we see them so additionally keen to hear how you managed

I wouldn't meet with a man who threatened my mum. That would be a hard line for me, and I'd expect my partner to respect that and not expect me to go with him if he wanted to meet him.

I only see something as people-pleasing if I'm actually doing it to please people.

As I understand it, the op actually would have liked the SIL to make the cake, but didn't like to ask, and so would be perfectly happy for SIL to do it going forward. Or is that wrong?

The OP also seems stressed about meeting with them and I get the impression she isn't relishing the tension .

I always get surprised on these threads how much energy people have for altercations that ultimately only cause them stress. If defusing suits me, then it suits me - and in the case of cakegate, I simply couldn't be bothered and would try to kick it into touch for my own ease, not theirs. MIL clearly wanted to feel included and missed the point that the communication had been poor. I think the op should point that out (and I specifically said she should say "we" all communicated badly, not I; she doesn't need to take the blame) by saying it was a misunderstanding and I'm ready to put it behind me if you are.

I also have not suggested she apologises for asking the FIL to leave: he deserved it. Again, I think she just suggests they all put it behind them. That isn't people-pleasing: it's defusing - or even glossing over - for her own convenience. Wanting to move on isn't the same as people-pleasing at all. I think people get that confused sometimes.

@WorthyMintQuail I suspect the world feels like its crashing around you, being at war with your inlaws is not nice.

I think there are a few things at play here.

A. If your SIL generally makes the cakes, the assumption was probably made, rightly or wrongly that she would do it again and has taken offence that she wasn't asked. So if its raised just explain it was just a misunderstanding because you neither expect nor assume that she would make a cake and as such, when she didn't offer, you just cracked on. But to be fair, you have every right to arrange the cake, its your child.

B. I don't know what is wrong with DC but I think you must appreciate it will have been distressing for them too and celebrating at home would be an extra special occasion and maybe they have had their noses pushed out of joint. But in saying that, they need to appreciate that having a 5yr old child who has only had two birthdays at home, means you have not had an opportunity to push the boat out yourself and its reasonable to assume you would want to. This is special for you and your husband and they should just let you enjoy it.

C. They were obviously wanted as they were invited.

D. FIL was had no right to call you a drama queen and talk to/threaten your Mum in the way he did. She had a right to question/defend you and you her. He needs to see that it was inappropriate for him to misdirect his anger at your mum...well lets be honest it was inappropriate to raise any of this at a kids party hence the request to leave.

But what you haven't mentioned here is how your husband has reacted to you asking them to leave, you have said he was defending you before hand? All of this, to be honest, its his family and he needs to support you. How this goes down tomorrow greatly depends on his stance and what he contributes to this.

You didn't say that, it just read like a really weird, childish argument over who made a cake. Honestly. I know you've been through a lot with your child being ill etc, but if you read this from another person you'd think it was absolutely nuts.

It's a bit of a shit show.

Someone simply asked why urgent and the OP went from 0-100.

I imagine does the same in RL too.

I used to make my DGDs cakes, cost me a fortune, took me ages to do them, then one year she didn't ask me to do it, went elsewhere, I did feel put out because everyone comes to me asking to do the cakes and I assumed I would be doing them.

I don't offer to do them anymore because I felt unappreciated, was like a kick in the teeth tbh. Of course, i'm not petty and if she asked me to do another cake of course I would for DGD sake, but I understand how SIL must feel.

The parents should have stayed out of it though.

How did your meeting with them go?

Sorry but I would cut them off entirely. Let your hubby deal with them.
It's definitely going to happen again.